Subliminal Talk

Hi guys, 
First of all, I like the new forum. Looks neat, and simpler. Good job to those who updated the forum.
I gave much thought on which sub to start, and LTU 5 won the choice. I had to pull my emergency fund, which I never touch unless it's a real emergency. Hopefully, I don't regret spending that much money while I am making so little. (For those of you who remember, I make less than a minimum wage here, and barely make over $100 a month. That's what I am getting paid under the conscription.)

Anyway, why LTU 5 instead of USLM 4? There two reasons.

1. Time. 
I thought that I would be able to start USLM 4 by the end of January, and it turns out that it isn't the case. I couldn't wait much longer, as I needed to start doing something that can help shorten my conscription. (Assuming that it's a possibility. It is nearly impossible, such to a point that it will require some sort of miracle to shorten the length, which basically Luck Maximizer will be heavily depended upon. I can always get seriously hurt to a point of being dismissed, but of course I don't want that.)

2. Areas of improvements. 
My current main goal/objective would be to get out of this conscription situation ASAP. However, that relies entirely on the luck part as I don't have anything to influence that situation. (Technically, I can try reaching out to asylum, overseas human rights organization, journalists and etc, but these will likely backfire in my life as I'm going to get much negative attention in the country that's making me do the conscription. Or I can seriously get hurt to a point of becoming disabled that I can become "no longer fit to serve." Again, not a thing to consider. Therefore, I don't have a control over the issue, and it's entirely on the external influence. Luck maximizer's the only thing that can help, at least it seems that way.) Therefore, if I were to use USLM, I'd be mostly relying on LM part, while not relying much on US part. I can also work on other goals, but my primary goal is to get out of the conscription ASAP, hopefully much sooner than the set date.

USLM is one part of LTU5, but I see that there are many other things that are definitely needed. For instance, I'm in this Social Service Corp. Basically, I work at the lowest branch of municipal level government office. (It isn't exactly municipality, but it gives a good idea.) The work environment can be pretty toxic from what I can see. I'm being treated as a second class citizen/semi-slave. (Not explicitly, but I can sometimes sense that.) There are many backstabbing going on. There are many talking behind colleague's back happening too. These are all already toxic, and have negative impact on my mentality. Although I notice that these don't have that much impact on my mental state or health (or that of emotion), I can see that long-term exposure to these can have subtle to maybe noticeable influence on me. I want to prevent that and be free from it.

Basically I suppose I will rely on Universal detox (and btw, I have had infections on my shoulders, and ligaments/tendons on arms. and even when I had these, I was required to do heavy lifting at work... stomach issues (which happened twice), had flu, and of course the stress, and negative mentality that could have accumulated from the past and from this work), E3, disconnect from negative stress (oh btw, not just the work, my dad's super anxious about my future and he basically dumps all that crap on to me from time to time.).

Also, this conscription has costed my master's degree (it's complicated and a long story. I believe I have shared the story elsewhere, so I'm going to make it short here.). It's in the past, so I will need to definitely let go of this. I don't feel much attachment to the past, but I know and can feel that sometimes it clings to me. (Not just the master's degree issue, but many other things that have been in the past.) Letting go of the past will be very helpful.

Overcoming victim mentality will be a huge on for me, and for those who are in similar situation. One thing I noticed about guys who are in similar situation (i.e. conscripted guys and those who are in the social service corp) when I attended education seminar for the guys in social service corp is that there is a huge victim mentality, (well duh, you are conscripted...) and they try to pass it onto each other. It's really terrible, and to a point that guys recommend to others that we are victim and such that we should try to avoid all the work at social service corp. (Like suddenly disappearing at work, and disobeying the rules and etc.) A guy who is at my work? He has a very similar issue too. I remember some guy said that our current status is that of a public slave. Public slave. Well, that's a real victim mentality. Okay, there's some truth in that. However, there's a big difference between accepting, thinking and acting like a public slave, and owning and taking initiative in one's life despite being in such a shitty situation. 

I know that I don't have such a big victim mentality, but I sometimes notices having victim mentality and resorting to victim mentality to avoid doing hard work. They usually come when I think about my high school classmates, college and grad school classmates. Most of them, if not all of them are super successful. (To give an example, a guy expanded his business from several stores in a city to nationwide, and has now over 500 employees, another guy a real estate guy who regularly deals multi million dollar projects, and etc. Many guys are like this, though I lost touch with most of them.) I try not to think and compare them to me, but sometimes it happens. When comparison happens, victim mentality kicks in. I want to prevent that and eliminate that. Sometimes it works in helping me, but I know and can feel that it does more harm than good.

I don't know about guilt and shame, but I probably have those, especially around sex and women. I think. Not too sure, but that's what I can think. Other than that, not so much on that.

Not so much anger, and definitely can use gratitude and appreciation.
In a nutshell, yeah, I am in a situation in which I can benefit from entire modules and script of LTU, and not only I can benefit, but I absolutely need LTU's positive influence on my life. Otherwise, I can see how this experience of conscription and social service corp will go bad.


To summarize my primary goals with LTU regarding the conscription are

1. Shorten the conscription length (by a lot) in a manner that's legal and safe that the shortened conscription will not come back and bite me later. (Many guys who have somehow avoided or shortened the sentence had trouble later on their lives.)

2. While doing the conscription, detach and shield myself from all the negativity in the work, and turn that all the negativity to positivity.

3. While doing the conscription, let's make that conscription much easier. (i.e. no more physical work, especially those that injures me.)

These would be my primary goal related to conscription. I have another goal as well.

1. Figure out next step after the conscription. Thanks to the conscription, my next stage has become more vague and confusing. (due to that master's degree gone) However, it also in a way opened new possibilities as I would not be as locked in. (People tend to be locked around the degrees they hold. Not always, but many times.)

Anyway, I need to be moving on to next stage of my life, which would be start building my life and my empire. (In a figurative sense of empire, not a literal sense. Who knows maybe I will build a literal empire. LOL) Basically I would love to have a more concrete picture of what that next stage would look like than let's do the work that I love to do that will help others and thereby leaving significant and meaningful remark in the world, while also build lots of wealth, happiness, joy, comfort, and etc. 
I have worked, researched, thought, pondered to picture that concrete picture. Sadly, I'm not yet near the picture. Hopefully, LTU can help me with that.

2. Once that next step is determined (and also while determining that next step), prepare and move to that next step. I suppose it can be to prepare for another education, get a job, training or whatever. Being idle and resting can be good, but I think this can be a good time to be moving towards that next step, start building the foundation of the empire.


Those would be two main goals on my two currently most important area of life: 1. conscription, and 2. the next stage of my life after conscription. Yet, I might add a third one, love life. I currently have no love life (to be more clear, no romance and sex). Since LTU has a module on improve love life, I am curious to see what it will do. Will it improve my love life in a way that I will be loving my family (parents) more? Will it manifest a girlfriend or a wife? Well, I do plan on going back to the US or go to a different country. I wonder how it will work out then. Anyway, love life is going to be a secondary one. Primary are conscription and the next stage of my life.
 
These are what I have in my mind for LTU, and I suppose I have much expectation/hope. There is a saying that when you have higher expectation, the disappointment will be larger. I hope that LTU will live up to the hype and will not let me down. $600 was a huge investment, (as I wrote, I make roughly $100 a month. Yeah this conscription sucks. If I have gotten a paid internship instead, I would have made $2,000 per month during the internship period, and if I did well, I would have gotten a good job already. Even if I got an unpaid internship, it would have been much more useful for my career aspect.) and I need that investment to be a good one.


LTU 5, what's your limit? Let's do the impossible!

Wow - I'll be watching this journal, for sure.

There are a lot of users, including myself, with first world problems.  Sometimes we lose perspective, and forget just how good we have it.  Reading about a situation like yours is sobering.  Thanks for sharing.  I hope LTU works miracles in your life.

Good luck!

Im have also been conscripted into the armed forces and recently began playing LTU. Already I am noticing postive effects which I intend to start journaling about from next week. Ill keep an eye on this thread also. Good job bro.

Thank you RTBoss and SaltyMeatballs.

@RTBoss, the funny thing about my situation is that I am currently in a country that is considered a first world, though my situation sounds like the situation in a third world doesn't it?

@SaltyMeatball, Once you start a journal, give me a heads up. I'll try to follow it as well. Good luck to your conscription, and LTU journey.

Anyway, I am noticing one worse thing compared to the previous forum. It takes much longer to post, and also it seems just way too stuck to quote. At least on my end. I definitely will need to investigate this further.

First of all, I need to make a correction to my first post. I didn't have infections, I had inflammations. Inflammations on both shoulder's rotator muscle, and inflammations on ligaments/tendons.

Now let's get to the report.

Today was pretty interesting. Keep in mind I just listened to LTU one day. (5 loops on night, while I was awake and sleeping.)

First let's start with the effect I felt. I noticed a few things today.

1. Extremely sensitive emotional state. Or you may say extremely heightened emotional sensitivity.

This feeling isn't something new to me. I had experienced this state back in early 2010s when I was depressed, and back when I was INFP/FJ. (I have taken MBTI testings a few times. Almost all the times, my results were different. I was first either INTP or TJ, then I became INFJ, and then INFP, and the last test was INTP or TJ. I also remember that T and P/J score is pretty low to a point that it can go either way. Also, my latest result shows that my I and N have gotten weaker, but still pretty strong. I see this as a good sign as I believe going towards the middle is a sign that I am maturing that I can go either way based on the needs and my wants.) This was a time, I was told the most empathetic person that a school pastor has ever met. (Keep in mind this man has met thousands of students and people, because of his work.)

So what was it like? Well, I was watching TED at work, (I am allowed to and typically read NYT, WSJ, FT, Bloomberg, and VOANews, and etc at work. I also occasionally watch TED. It is allowed, and if somebody at work disputes that, I can bring a statement from former defense minister.) and it was about a woman's experience being a juror, in which she sentenced a death penalty. Hearing her experience and the process of healing and reconciliation was too emotionally strong and bonding to me that I almost cried. It made me feel sad, but not only sad, but there were many other emotions involved, which I cannot describe.

The feeling of extremely heightened emotional sensitivity and state feels same as being on Ritalin/Concerta/Adderall. How do I know? I took them in the past. (Well, my mental health history is a long one, and I'd not share it. If interested in knowing more, PM me.) For those who don't know, I suppose it is similar to the feeling raised heart beat after drinking 10 cups of coffee at once. Yep, that heart pounding from the coffee is the feeling.

The TED wasn't the only thing I had emotional sensitivity. I don't remember, but there was also something else. (Don't remember if it's something I read or watched.)

To me, I suppose the LTU's module on emotion isn't making me letting go or erase emotion or negative emotion. Rather it seems it is restoring that emotional side of me. Why does it feel like restoring even when dealing emotions, the heightened emotional sensitivity and state is damn difficult? There are several reasons.

1. Back when I was INFP, INFJ, and on the borderline of being severely depressed and normal, I wanted to feel, and I wanted to have more rich emotions. However, after I moved on to more academic focus, especially after I went to a grad school, I went back to not wanting emotion or wanting rich emotional experiences. (I suppose more specifically negative emotions.) This not wanting emotion was basically the same thought I had in 2007~8, when I was severely depressed and suicidal. Anyway, I had sorta shut my emotional side of me down, pretty much ignoring it. Now that emotional side, sensitivity, and empathetic ability just went live again, it feels like that was restored.

2. Those of you who have read my previous journals may remember that I have high functioning autism. Based on my understanding and reading academic/medical findings of more recent studies, autistic people are more detached from their emotional sensitivity, intelligence, and state, not because they lack that ability, but because they have way too much emotional sensitivity. Too much that they don't know how to deal with it, nor can they express it in a language. Therefore, they resort to shutting that side down and ultimately detaching from that side. Why? If they don't it becomes very difficult to survive, as they don't know how to deal with it, and those without autism cannot help much either as they have no clue what's it like to go through that extremely rich emotion.

Based on this belief/thought/fact, today's heightened emotional sensitivity, state and empathetic ability seems like a restoration to me.

Now what do I think about this? I don't know, it can be a good thing, but I am also worried. Why? because this state can lead me to be seriously depressed and potentially suicidal. I am gonna need to keep a close eye on this. Still, if I can master dealing with the heightened emotional sensitivity and empathetic ability, it would be a huge asset to me. Therefore, it can be a good thing. Let's hope that LTU can help me master that ability.

The next thing can be potentially LM's work. One of the works I am required to do has to do with garbage. (It can be either taking garbage to garbage processing site or going out in the community and picking up garbage. ) I was asked to go out and dispose all the juices that has been expired. While doing this, a government employee told me that after lunch we would need to go out and do the garbage work. (This time it was to pick up the garbage from the office, and while doing that go outside and pick up garbage from one of the community.) I was thinking "seriously? one of the explicit goal was to make this conscription easier, and just I started LTU and setting that goal, I get this work?"

After I disposed the juices and came back another employee told me that there is a haircut service. (This is a service in which two hairdressers come and give haircuts to old people who are on social welfare.) Basically, I'm the one who oversees this (technically it should be the employee's job, but outsourced to me.) I was like okay. At the same time thinking "yes! I don't need to go out, as I actually cannot go out, since I need to do this work." The bad part is that both the employee and I forgot about the service that I had shortened lunch time. (Typically, I go out earlier as I need to comeback earlier. However, because we both forgot about it, I left at the same time, but had to come back earlier.)

Still the LM part need to be seen as I don't know if they have brought the garbage at the office to the processing site. If that didn't happen today, that means I may be required to go there.

So we have emotional side, or internal side of me with LTU, and potential LM work today. And there is this one odd event happened.

After the haircut service, I cleaned the place (normally you'd think that the volunteers will clean, or help clean, but they never did, and I'm the only one who cleans afterwards. This situation should be improved later.) and came down to report to the employee. I reported the situation and went to my station to drop my belongs. (I went directly to the place after the lunch.) And then I decided to go and clean up myself a bit (got some juices from the previous disposal work), and once I came back I decided to go talk to the employee again. I needed to talk to the employee as one of the old lady who came to get haircut showed signs of dementia (couldn't remember her phone number, and she also told me that she couldn't remember her address once that she had to wait till night for her grandchild to pick her up). Since all of these old people are on social welfare, I thought it was imperative to report, and at the same time, I need to know whether this one actually has dementia, as for sure she will come back. (I recognize most of these old folks as same people come over and over again.)

This was when odd thing started to happen. The employee was talking to her superior, and basically she was complaining how her work has been difficult and etc. (I didn't plan on eavesdropping, but accidentally ended up doing it.) The atmosphere turned odd as I accidentally heard the employee's complain that how her other superior was the worst. I said what I needed to say, but couldn't actually get things checked, as the atmosphere turned pretty bitter and this employee seemed mad, and requested that I leave them alone until their conversation is finished. Well, first of all, they were talking in the public space, and that if they need to have such privacy they needed to picked up a better spot. (Pretty inappropriate to complain about your superior in a place where other employees can hear...) I apologized and left the scene. Here the heightened emotional sensitivity didn't help. I suppose anger, sadness kicked in along with many other emotions. Had raised heartbeat for a while, and the heightened emotional sensitivity and state was there for a while. (One downside for this state is that it basically prevents me from being able to focus and work on anything. This is one of the reason, why mastering the control over this is essential.)

Then, I noticed that the employee went to somewhere more private and began crying. (I could hear. I have a pretty good hearing. However, I am also noticing that my hearing ability is slowly degrading as I am not hearing 20khz range. Funny thing though much higher range, I can hear, but found that I cannot hear 19.5~20khz range. I am aging I suppose. Just two months ago I could hear that range fine, but now, I can't. I suppose this can be a good thing now that I don't hear ultrasonic edition.) The superior followed, and it later seemed like she cried too. I was like ?????????????????????????? What the fuck's going on? I started LTU, and now some crazy shit's going on here after listening to it one day.

I don't know can LTU make others extremely emotional? Anyway, that was pretty bizarre.

To summarize, I noticed three things.

1. Emotional side has some impact. My extremely sensitive emotional sensitivity, heightened emotional state and empathetic ability came back/is coming back. It can have negative impact that I need to learn how to control/master myself during such state. If I can do that it will be a huge asset. (Which I believe will allow me to live more fully, and can potentially help me with my future lover (assuming that I get one.))

2. Potential LM work, but will need to observe more to know for sure.

3. Bizarre event at work, and can LTU spread to non listeners?

I also have a question about LTU usage.

USLM has this instruction:

To get the most from this program:

1. Consciously pick what you want to focus on being successful with. A maximum of three goals, and the fewer the better.
2. Write it/them down.
3. Keep that/those goal(s) in mind when you make decisions during your day.

Bonus tip: Make a vision board and put it where you will see it at least once a day.

While using LTU, should I do the same (since it has USLM in it, and I have specific goals/reasons for USLM to work)? Or just leave and forget it?

And if I need to make a goal statement, can anyone help me fine tune it? I don't want the goal to appear, and yet have negative impact as well. (i.e. shortened conscription based on injury, or illegal means or ended up in a way that will come back and haunt me in the future...)

Quote:Bizarre event at work, and can LTU spread to non listeners?

Not unless they are exposed to it. I'm not sure what's so odd about the situation, it's just a confrontation someone had at work.

Quote:I also have a question about LTU usage.

USLM has this instruction:

Yes you can do that too for the USLM portion. Usually you'll want to keep goals in the positive, like "I want to earn $500 a week." And not on the negative like "I don't want it to be illegal" or "I don't want gnomes to steal my underpants."

Because then your mind is focused on that negative thing. And your underpants may go missing.

(Someone has to get the reference here.)

Yes. Always keep your goals positive. But because LTU5 is doing so much at once, make it one and only one goal, please.

Dear Shannon and Ben, thank you for your posts. And damn..... I was going for two goals, one for conscription and two for next stage of my life. Both are equally important.

Oh well, I'll need to really think about it and figure out how to make these two into one goal. I have a feeling that these two are intertwined, and that making the two goals into one would be possible. I will need your help (and others) in checking whether I set a goal properly; not having negatives and all positives, while patching loopholes.

I'll think about it, and come up with a few statement for possible goals. I will also think about which one would be more pressing and important, in case that I cannot merge the two into one.

And @Ben,

The employee's crying and possibly the superior's crying were odd for a few reasons.

1. They were not having a confrontation.

I will try to clarify what was going on. Let's set the employee as A, the superior whom she was taking to as B, and the superior who she was complaining about as C.

A and B get along very well, and in the situation, A was whining/complaining about how her life/work has been difficult lately, and that C was especially the worst in making her life difficult/miserable. (I am extracting information from what I heard, which was basically that "C is the worst, and that he's contributing in making my life/work the most.")

A was basically the whiner and B was the listener, who was consoling A. I know B was consoling her because I also accidentally heard B's response.

2. This week's workload/work is not the worst seen. There were several times that I can think where work and workload was more difficult (for A), much more difficult. A never had such issue of crying in the public space before. (She went to more private space to cry, but it was still pretty public.) In fact, nobody had cried from what I have seen in the last 10 months or so. (Well, just of now I have 1 year left to go, and right now, the work is in a pretty easy time, but it is going to get pretty difficult...... I know as I've gone through nearly a year of the conscription.)

3. Talking behind backs, and complaining to each other about how their work sucks and superiors and/or bosses making their life happens all the time. Yes, I get to see and hear that too often, and that is one of the reasons why I consider my work environment pretty toxic. However, it usually just ends up as talking behind backs and they become pretty chill once after they dump all that stuff. Except yesterday, it never escalated that much into somebody's crying.

4. Timing. Okay, that much escalation happened the first time, and that happened when I just started LTU. Also, I mentioned how my emotional sensitivity has sky rocketed, while stability has become pretty
fragile. I was able to hang on, but not this employee. I just found the timing to be odd.

I mean it can all be just a coincidence, and like you wrote, it may be nothing. However, I felt it was odd, and thought to report it.

So today was day 2 of LTU 5. There were a few things to note.

Remember that I need to check the garbage disposal? It turned out that I, a government employee and another conscript needed to go and dump all the garbage. Guess what? It was the heaviest load we had to take to the garbage processing center.

Then can I say LM didn't work properly? Not entirely I suppose. Because even though the load was the heaviest we had to carry, we divided the load into three (unlike last time, which we had to take all at once, and the last time was 160kg), and that the work was not that difficult. In fact it was one of easier time. Still, being required to go to garbage processing center, and needing to stay there the longest was definitely not a pleasant experience. I wish I never have to do that again. (Yet, I will eventually be back there while I am in the conscription. I'm hoping that LM can work something out that stuff I will note be required to do this again, even while I am in the conscription.)

On a more positive note, I noticed faster recovery. I remember reading from Universal Detox that it may potentially result in faster recovery.

Let me explain. The day before I began LTU, I, another conscript, and a government employee needed to get down and move a steel cabinet (I suppose it is a fireproof one) that is loaded with emergency materials to somewhere. I know that it weights definitely the same if not more than me.

At one point of moving I needed to lift the cabinet, and it resulted in much stiffness on my left shoulder. Funny thing, the next day, I had much soreness on my right forearm. That night was when I began listening LTU.

And after 2nd night of listening LTU, the soreness on my right forearm has gone down quite significantly. I'd say the speed of recovery has improved by approximately 1.5 times to maybe even double. Normally I'd say it will take about 4~5 days to recover this fast, and it took only 2 days. (I know this from exercising/working out.) This was a pleasant surprise, and definitely a good one.

The third thing I want to report is about my emotion. I find that my emotional sensitivity and stability has come back to my normal or usual state. (I mean it has come back to the state that I have been used to for last several months.) I cannot say for sure as I didn't get to read or watch touching things, but still, I definitely find that things have become too calm today.

The fourth thing I want to report is a baby staring. I have reported many incidences of baby staring at me for a long period of time in my previous DMSI runs. It has been pretty typical. (Also, if I remember correctly, more animals (pets) were showing more attention to me, while on DMSI.) Baby staring at me came back, and the intensity of staring at me was actually stronger. Okay, so a person came for a service that I need to provide. I spent about good twenty minutes with the person, and she was carrying a baby daughter. This baby was staring at me the entire time (I'm not inflating or joking here. The baby was staring at me for entire time!) I was helping her mom. It was very noticeable to a point that another person who works at the office noticed and commented on that. (She actually mentioned that the baby's staring at me because I am good looking.)

With all the baby stares I experienced, perhaps it's a sign that I should wait another twenty years. Then I may get 20 college girls chasing me. LOL I wonder how college girls would think about an extremely popular guy who's near 50s, but still a virgin.

Last thing I want to report is an acute headache and fatigue I experienced at the end of the work today. This may be nothing related to LTU, as I sometimes feel these after the work, but today, it was a bit more intense.

That's it for LTU report.

Day 3 of LTU 5.

Today's a day off since it's a holiday here. I basically stayed at home all the time. Still there are a few things to report.

1. Dreams.

Since I didn't go to work today, I slept in late. Yet, I still woke up pretty much the same time, but I decided to go back to sleep.

First time I went back to sleep I had a dream in which I walked in to a room that resembles a dorm room (but also resembled sleeper train) in which there are plastic bunk beds, and at the bottom there were a few laptops. A guy walked to me and told me that he and I (and a guy who is in there) needed to work on a conspiracy theory project, and that I need to collect lots of information and data.

Well that was bizarre. Working on conspiracy theory project? That's really out of the blue.

Then I woke up briefly, and again I decided to go to bed. Again I had a dream, and the dream was completely different.

In this dream, I was either watching a TV or a laptop, and on it I was watching a porn. Though I was watching a porn, it wasn't something I deliberately put on or searched it for it. It just came out. In the porn, I recognized the female porn star, and it was Hyuna or Hyun Ah. (FYI, she's not a porn star in the real life. She's a singer.) Well in the porn, she was riding a guy pretty hard in a reverse cowgirl, and it basically finished with the guy pulling out and ejaculating his load on the girl's right legs. Then there was a brief interview of Hyuna on either the leaked sextape or what seemed to be the first porn scene. She was basically saying how she was satisfied, and how it was the greatest sex she had.

This was strange as I don't particularly find Hyuna to be my type nor do I think that she's very attractive or sexy. (I can see how she can be very sexy for some, but she's not my type. I just don't feel the attraction.)

I woke up after seeing the interview in the dream, and I obviously had a pretty hard morning wood. I've been having morning wood pretty regularly (almost every time I wake up), so I wouldn't necessarily make the connection to LTU. And this one wasn't necessarily the strongest morning wood I had, but was definitely stronger than my previous wake up. (After waking up from the first dream. Yep, I had morning wood even after that very non-sexy dream.)

2. Migraine like acute headache back of my head.

To be more specific, it was on the right side, but back of my head. I had this ever since today's waking up and I still have it now, although the intensity and frequency definitely has gone down quite much.

3. Had one quite strong verbal fight/dispute with my mom.

It gradually just went from lunch prep to laundry. I'm not sure if it was me or my mom that was more irritable today. It just escalated. And the intensity at the top was pretty intense. What was interesting is that normally we don't go to that level that my mom was even threatening to be physical. (She's never like this.) At the same time, I was not backing down either. (If it's that level, I'd normally back down, if not my mom.) She left, and after a while, things cooled down much for her, and when I found that she cooled down, I cooled down too.

These are three things I noticed today. Tomorrow I'm going out and getting a haircut. I'll be at a big mall. What will happen at a new scene? Will there be interesting events? Stay tuned for the next episode.

Day 4 of LTU 5. Gotta take 2 days off.

Okay, again there are a few things to note.

1. LM related issue.

Okay I went to get a haircut today. I made a reservation a few nights ago via online. I went to the salon, and found that my reservation was not received.... Apparently, they ditched online system, and left it still functional...

Well, they did it since last November, and the last time I got haircut was in January, and in that time, I made a phone call to confirm as I didn't receive a text confirmation. This time, I didn't as I thought I only get called if there is a problem with reservation. Big mistake.

So, the problem was that the guy who's supposed to give me a haircut wouldn't come in until noon (I was supposed to get a haircut at 11:00AM, and I arrived there 10:45 AM), and even then he had other appointments. Other hair designers were all fully booked too. Shit.

For some reason, one hair designer just had an opening, (I don't know if someone just canceled, or she just ended another client's service early.) and that I was able to start hair cut pretty much the same time, as I wanted to start.

Service was good, but it wasn't necessarily better than normal. Haircut was longer I can tell, but I know that designers usually take longer time to give me a haircut. (I don't know it's always been that way regardless of where I get haircut.)

Now, where does LM fit in in this situation? Okay, good luck in getting the situation resolved in a good manner. Unfortunate/bad luck to be in the situation in the first place. Therefore, I would reserve my verdict on LM part. (Well, when I booked this, I was on LTU 5.)

2. Headache

I had the same headache as yesterday in the morning, and it only last in the morning, and pretty much only till when I just woke up.

3. Assertiveness?

Okay at the salon, I was like making a few demands, like do you have any other designers available. If not, and if I need to make compromises in my time, I will just cancel it. (As I had other plans) I was also against calling in the guy to come in early, as it really isn't his issue. Besides, I don't know how viable that would have been. (I don't know how far away the guy lives from the place.) And the guy also has a night shift, and if he has to come in early, to give me a haircut? Terrible idea. Don't want to let a guy to design my looks who's annoyed/irritated by me. (He needs to come in early because of my reservation, although I didn't fuck up, it still can feel that way.)

The owner was insisting on calling the guy to come in early, and I was like, don't do that. I don't want to make that guy do it.

Okay, this may look like Beta way, but it felt like I was handling it in a very alpha way, like I'm owning the situation.

Also I got a call from my mom. (She dropped me off as bus schedule is terrible on the weekend.) I was telling her the situation, and she was like well then wait and get a haircut. Since I had no intention of spending much time there, or to modify my plans, I was like no, I'm not gonna do that. I'll see what happens. She told me again to wait and get it done today, and I told her "do not tell me what to do." I will decide what I will do. I will see how the situation unfolds.

The funny thing about the conversation with my mom was that it isn't something abnormal. I did that in the past, and I do that on occasion. Yet, the feeling of how I was telling was different. Difficult to describe. It wasn't something entirely irritation, or annoyance either. Not sure what that feeling is entirely.

I don't know, but it feels that a side-effect (not sure a good or bad) is becoming alpha, which sorta ties to my question about distinction between AM and LTU.

Not sure if becoming alpha (assuming that is what I'm experiencing currently) is good or bad in this case. (Being alpha can lead to terrible consequences at my military conscription work place.) We'll see.

An alpha does what's necessary. Doing what you need to do (such as taking an order and doing your job) is not always beta (though, for some, taking orders and being a worker bee is indeed beta and their natural state). On the other hand, being recalcitrant, obstinate, or too proud to take an order is not necessarily an alpha trait, if that's what you're insinuating. A true alpha is a leader of self, first and foremost, and acts (and reacts) from a place of strength within self. If you're going to be a leader, you pay your dues, and do so knowing the top is your natural place. That doesn't have to entail butting heads with your superiors and enduring "terrible consequences."

That's just my own viewpoint, mind you. I am not forced to do a military stint, as you are, and am thankful for that. ;-)

Thank you RTBoss for sharing your thoughts on what is being alpha. It clarified a lot, and I agree much with your thoughts on what is being alpha.

In fact, what you wrote isn't different from my thought on what is being alpha.

One thing I find being alpha being difficult in my situation is that there are many things that I have to put up with during the conscription that are really messed up. For instance, I had to turn blind eye toward a few things that were shady, or against my core principles. Or follow orders that were totally against my own beliefs/principles. In many cases, I managed to resist or dodge away this, but there were times that I simply couldn't do that.

I don't know how things would turn out if I am on AM instead of LTU (or LTU as well since I sorta feel that it is somewhat making me more alpha/assertive) while carrying out the conscription. And because of the reason above (conflicting my principle/beliefs and the things I need to do/ordered to do during the conscription) that I decided to save AM and run LTU instead. (And there were a few other reasons for LTU, and USLM is one of the biggest reasons.)

I suppose an alpha guy can take the conflicting principle/belief and survive, as it can be seen as paying his dues. However, I wonder, can an alpha guy take that kind of status/treatment for extended period of time like a year or two?