Subliminal Talk

1st day off 3rd cycle.

A few things to note.

1. I am being more fearless in giving people negative feedback, or saying things without really thinking about consequences. even if it could get me into trouble. This can be a result of FRM, but at the same time, it reminds me of very old me, in which I remember that when my autism was less in control and less managed, I was like that. It's similar to saying things without really caring consequences. I think I had more control/reserve for this behavior, and now it seems to be getting weaker.

This can be good, and it can also be very bad. We shall see.

Anyway, I believe I need to develop skills/abilities to better tweak what and how I say things, without preventing me from delivering my messages, thoughts and feelings. I have found too many times in which I later realize that I could have carried the conversation better. I could have formed my arguments better. I am currently not seeing the development of these yet, but I feel that I am taking a step in developing solid skills in being able to deliver my message, ideas, opinions, arguments, thoughts, and feelings in more effective way that gets understood better. It will take reflexes, better reaction, better thinking speed, and better anticipation. It will be a significant skill to develop.

2. I began python coding at work. I already asked for a permission and got one. The very beginning was pretty simple and easy as I have a little experience with programming. Hopefully I will develop solid understanding of how programming language works, and that it will help me better understand AI. (Not that I am specifically interested in building AI, but I have developed general interest in AI. To not confuse people, I have always had interests in technology. This isn't something that was developed after the use of LTU)

3. Interesting sexual imagination/thoughts dynamics.

Remember how I mentioned there really wasn't a person I found very attractive. It turns out that it's changing. The two I mentioned in an earlier (don't recall if it was this journal or in the other one) post have sorta become more attractive. I notice that one actually have quite a nice body (at least to my taste), and I don't know if the girls suddenly decided to get a plastic surgery or wear better bra, but their breasts (including the 3rd one, who I found less fitting to my taste) seemed to be more attractive. (Weird word of choice, I know, but I think this is a better word choice than just "bigger').

The funny thing is that the the top two ones, my preference sorta changes constantly. Let's name the girls A and B. One one day or one time, I'd find A more attractive, and in some other time, or day, I'd find B more attractive. This dynamic has been going on for a while, but it was subtle. Therefore, I decided to wait and see to make sure if it was actually there.

However, what was really interesting was my thought/imagination I had today. Normally, I don't imagine having a sex with a live girl, who happens to be a real girl in my life. (i.e. classmates, co-worker, and/or a girl I see on streets, and etc.) Maybe I'd imagine being on a date or something similar, but not having sex. This is especially true for when I am at work or in a class.

Not today.

As I heard a footstep coming towards me (which didn't turned out to be a gov employee who was going to his post), I turned my head to check if a civilian was coming for my help (specific tasks assigned to me), and then I saw one of the girls I mentioned above. I don't remember what she was doing, but I remember that it was then I had this non-stop imagination/thought about having sex with her...... I couldn't control the thought, and I couldn't really concentrate on the coding/reading interesting stuff online. (Which sucked, as if it didn't happen, I could have gotten more practice and studied more.) This thought/imagination went for a while, as it actually continued even after lunch time.

After I came back from the lunch, something equally interesting/amazing happened. After I returned to my post, all the imagination/thoughts involving the girl was gone, and I no longer found her attractive. I was like, wow, that's a real sharp shift.

Can this be the result of improve love life module? Or is this a residue from DMSI (though the last DMSI run was nearly three months ago.)

In the end, I should be careful to what may happen, if I were to start a relationship with any of the girls at the work. It's a dangerous path with too much risk involved.

And speaking of this reminded me that I calculate too much about women in general. Not necessarily so much about appearance (only calculation I think I do regarding the appearance would be are we good looking together? Do we look compatible together, in terms of appearance? I mean, there are great looking people, when put together, something's off. That kind of stuff, I'd be calculating.), but more about other qualities. I'd be calculating/thinking is the girl smart enough? Is the girl educated enough? Is she open enough? Does she have a good understanding of culture? What's her personality like, and is it compatible to mine? And et cetera. Yeah, I do that a lot, and do it in excess. I do this involuntarily; it isn't necessarily something I deliberately try to do, but this is rather an automatic response I do, when I have a chance to observe an attractive woman for a while. Sure, I see attractive women on streets, but since they pass and I know nothing other than their appearance, these assessments do not happen when I pass by attractive women on streets. But when I can observe women (attractive ones) for a while, this happen automatically and all the time.

The girls at work are not exception. I see how they work, and do things, and I assess them. Well, I don't know if it is a good thing, but I do this, and writing today's incident reminded me of what I do. Writing about it and deliberately questioning whether it's a good thing is something else and perhaps significant that I am doing it.

So what's my verdict with my LTU 5 experience? Whatever is happening with me, or whatever I am experiencing and observing after I began LTU 5 is not stable. It feels pretty volatile, it feels like I am riding a cosine function. Or to better put, I feel like being in an ocean, riding wave when a crazy storm is amplifying the wave. It's a bumpy ride, and feels like a big one.

Funny thing about it is that it doesn't emotionally tax me, nor create much stress. It's creating a confusion and perhaps frustration of seeing mixed results and having sharp turns. (i.e. imagining being all over a girl, and find her no longer attractive all of sudden.)

I don't know. What's going on? Is it even working? I'll leave that for the readers to decide.

2nd day off 3rd cycle

One thing to note. LM seemed to strike, and in this time good luck.

I watched someone play Total War Shogun 2, and I wanted to play it. It was on sale, so I grabbed it at cheap price.

Nice.

Oh and I forgot to run 1st run of 4th cycle. It was supposed to be yesterday, so I accidentally broke secondary ASRB. Oh well, what's done is done.

I'm starting 1st run of 4th cycle starting today.

1st day 4th cycle.

Nothing much to mention except that I felt I got much done in coding. I had much distractions from gov employees asking help and from civilians requesting something from me (now that work load has increased.) Despite this, I still got quite a bit of coding practice done, and I am starting to understand why it is called programming "language." I also now begin to see how thinking ability like the ones required for discrete math and flow chart would be a huge bonus in building a program.

Building understanding of programming/coding, and getting things done. Great!

Funny thing? Even though I think that LTU has contributed to this, I feel that much of it is done by myself, and by what I already had, not by LTU. Interesting.

Another thing to mention is that a girl had rough end of day that she ended up crying and rushed to washroom. What a place to work.

If you'd like to see what LTU5 is doing... stop using it.

(03-18-2019, 11:11 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]If you'd like to see what LTU5 is doing... stop using it.

Dear Shannon,
It's a very tempting thought, and maybe I should do it. However, I'm more interested in getting positive results ASAP.

Day 2 4th cycle,

More progress made in programming. I made several versions of the same program, except the coding structure and style all varied. As I was progressing in the lesson and the chapter of online book, I made new program to test the new concept, and to try to make it my own and apply it.

I spent huge chunk of time on programming (3~5 hours), and I was able to maintain focus well.

One thing I am also finding about programming is that the more proficient in mathematical abilities are, easier the programming becomes. Sadly, I have been away from math for so long that I find this to be a challenge.

Also, I find that my progress is rather slow, even though I am making much progress. Okay, this sounds contradictory, but what I was saying is that even though I made much progress, the overall progress I made is still small for the entire programming.

Overall things have been okay, except that one gov employee was hysteric again. She has become hysteric ever since the year 2019 began. Worst part? This person is showing hysteria only to the conscripts. I think I am getting why this person is getting hysteric, but the problem is that it is directly worsening already terrible conscript situation.

These stuff needs to be addressed ASAP, and the conscript issue needs to be resolved ASAP. There isn't much I can do though, sadly. Hopefully LM's good luck maximizing will soon again show its power again. (Just like the sale I got.)

Day 3 4th cycle.

Lucky day for me? Well, I got some gifts. One from a civilian, whom I helped, (she gave me eggs) the other from the office; they gave me fruits. It was basically a distribution of the gift they got, but they chose me instead of the other conscript. (The other conscript has built a bad reputation, so it is somewhat understandable.)

Perhaps it's too early to tell, but I think LM is now turning to great; good luck is now starting to show up.

Day 4 4th cycle.

Learning programming/coding is going well. I'm a bit slower than I'd like to be, but I am nonetheless making steady progress. My application of the concept to build my own programs was great. (It's a simple program, but the important thing is that I am making my own program (although simple programs) and applying the concept, not just following the examples.)

I had quite a few civilians come to me for some help. All the interactions have been great.

Interactions with co-workers have been great. (Well, to put it in a more emphasis, I am building a good relationship with one of an employee, who's not exactly a gov employee, but an employee nonetheless.) The hysteric employee is still showing signs of hysteria, and I hope that it will be gone soon.

Nothing much to report. I suppose there weren't significant things observed.

1st and 2nd day of off days (4th cycle) had nothing to report.

Day 1 of 5th cycle, again nothing noticeable.

Day 2 of 5th cycle,

One, too much work. Literally 8 hours of work, which is kinda rare for people in my situation. (I'd say comparing to people in my situation, the work load I handle would be at a top tier, unless of course if you count the ones who are given the work that they are prohibited to do.)

Another thing I noticed from last week is that I am sweating much more on my armpit, and it smells bad. Today, I wore cloth that were freshly laundered, and guess what I smelled it again.

I never had smells from my armpit, or armpit sweat, but now, it's a different story. An inconvenient one, unfortunately. I wonder if it is a result of detox module.

Oh, and last thing, civilians who come to me now shows their gratitude more, and they express it explicitly.

(03-25-2019, 09:02 AM)sw72hw Wrote: [ -> ]1st and 2nd day of off days (4th cycle) had nothing to report.

Day 1 of 5th cycle, again nothing noticeable.

Day 2 of 5th cycle,

One, too much work. Literally 8 hours of work, which is kinda rare for people in my situation. (I'd say comparing to people in my situation, the work load I handle would be at a top tier, unless of course if you count the ones who are given the work that they are prohibited to do.)

Another thing I noticed from last week is that I am sweating much more on my armpit, and it smells bad. Today, I wore cloth that were freshly laundered, and guess what I smelled it again.

I never had smells from my armpit, or armpit sweat, but now, it's a different story. An inconvenient one, unfortunately. I wonder if it is a result of detox module.

Oh, and last thing, civilians who come to me now shows their gratitude more, and they express it explicitly.

I like the results you are getting. Would you recommend LTU5? I’m seriously thinking about getting it. The price is what is holding me back.

Most likely detoxing by the sound of it.

(03-25-2019, 09:11 AM)THolt Wrote: [ -> ]I like the results you are getting. Would you recommend LTU5? I’m seriously thinking about getting it. The price is what is holding me back.

It's difficult to strongly recommend LTU5. I'm getting results, but not necessarily the results I was hoping for the most.

For instance, my top two goals are conscription and career/future aspects. For conscription related issues, I was hoping that it would get shortened and easier while I am doing it. Shortening the conscription has not happened, and it is certainly not getting easier. As I mentioned, I am doing more work than conscripts who are in similar situation as I am in (those who work at government offices, except those who are given work that they shouldn't be doing). The worst part of it is that I doubt all the work I do would add to my career benefits, at least not on the resume.

The career/future part is tricky to tell. I mentioned that I had several thoughts about what to do/what to study/etc. After LTU5, I decided to start teaching myself Python, and made some progress. Unfortunately, These past two days, I couldn't do any of those at work, since they literally gave me too much work to do for a conscript. (When you pretty much have to tag address label to envelops, fold fliers, match conscription letters to the tagged address label, and put the fliers and the letters and seal nearly 1000 envelops in 2~3 days, while helping civilians sending fax, take in application for government jobs, review civilians' credentials and hand out parking discounts, and provide guidance to different services at the office to the civilians at the same time, you don't have any free time left.) Thus, my future preparation has been on hold for the last two days, sadly.

Still, there are some positive results, like civilians showing more gratitude, and being less negative despite being in negative environment. I find that the other conscript exerts much negativity, and being near such negativity and energy enormously influences my attitude and energy. With LTU5, I also find that such negative influence is getting smaller. It hasn't completely eliminated the influence, but I definitely feel that it is reducing.

To deliberately answer your question, do I recommend LTU5? I suppose it depends on how fat your wallet is, how fast of result you would like to achieve things, and what you would like to achieve. I suppose LTU5 is quite fast in achieving results despite how many things it is working on at once. However, more specialized subs (from LTU5) may work even faster, I guess.

If you'd be okay in spending $600 and interested in improving many aspects of life at once, then I say go for it. (Yet, I suggest not to have too much expectation. Otherwise, you may find yourself disappointed.) However, if it creates too much dent in your wallet, and if you need more concentrated - and perhaps quicker achievement - I'd say go for the one that you are most interested in.

I don't know if my answer helps you determine whether to purchase LTU5, but I hope it helps.

Day 3 of 5th cycle.

Today, I find that my armpit and armpit sweat smell to be not terrible. I still find that I have increased armpit sweat. I also find that my armpit sweats a lot especially when it's cold. Sadly, my work place is cold, and I couldn't put on my outwear on because of working on the envelopes.

Today's work load was still pretty high, maybe even higher, as the other conscript was pretty much sleeping the entire time. (Also, there was a civilian waiting for me even before the actual work shift started, so yeah, heavy work load from the very beginning of the day.) After some observation, I wonder if the guy has a narcolepsy.

Other than the work load and smell/sweat related issues, there was nothing else noteworthy to report.

Day 4 of 5th cycle,

Other than huge load of work, nothing to report.

Wait, actually there's one thing.

Although having this huge load of work is annoying, my mindset was like, okay, let's see who wins, work load, or I.

I had set certain number of goal I had and I basically continually pushed to get it done.

One thing that was interesting is that apparently, it must have given some impression to the other conscript. It's almost as there was some sort of fear in him. I could sense that. Well, it could be that he felt I did too much work and that he did near nothing. (Which is actually true to certain level.) He took some work on his own, (which is nearly unseen), and he was telling me to stop working. I didn't stop as I wanted to get to the point I decided to get it done, and I did.