Subliminal Talk

Why? Because of some hypothetical "could be" that isn't, and doesn't really apply or matter?

(03-29-2019, 06:11 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Why? Because of some hypothetical "could be" that isn't, and doesn't really apply or matter?

Hey Shannon. Was this in reference to me being resistant to the self worth building? I wrote a lot here, not sure which part you're referring to.

Officially got rid of all the dating apps on my phone and accounts. It may work for some guys but those stupid apps were only hurting me. No matter how much I told myself it wasn't a big deal after evaluating it more I realized it was a contributor to stress in my life so I ditched all of them. Plus I'd find myself sitting there on tinder mindlessly swiping away when I could have been doing something more productive.

I took a two day break to clear my head with my music. Came back to it and I started "understanding" stuff more. A lot of intuitive stuff that helps me write, but I can't really describe it. All I know is that it feels like I can express what I want better without worrying about dumb stuff like if my chord progression is interesting enough.

Weather is getting nicer again and I decided I'm going to get back into skateboarding. I'd be interested to see how FRM effects that. Most of the time in the past I was too afraid to skate anything other than flatground. Never learned how to carve inside bowls or drop in on quarter pipes.

Overall I've been feeling better. And I think it's because I've been letting go of that death grip of control that was holding back the effects of the sub. Making a conscious effort to stop controlling was a bit difficult, it basically felt like going against my every instinct that kept me safe in the past so it was hard to convince myself it was a good idea. But I think I've gotten better at it.

(03-29-2019, 02:46 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Damn, this is tough. Back on LTU yesterday. While listening I felt that self worth building and simultaneously the pushback from subconscious. But instead of going along with that negative view of myself I just kept enforcing self compassion and kindness. After that I noticed a lot of guilt pop up.

Where I'm at now with my job, I'm not all that happy. Some of the challenges I have to face I really have no drive for. So it becomes something I really have to force myself through and if I don't keep on top of myself I slack off. That's been a thing in my life, if I have no interest it's damn near impossible for me to focus. And here's where the guilt sets in. I feel like I should be trying harder to learn this stuff and that I have a great opportunity others would kill for. I mean I have a job, a lot of others don't even have that. But I just don't feel happy. I know I should be grateful for these things but in the grand scheme of things I don't. I could be in a far worse off situation like in a warzone, homelessness, terrible poverty, etc. But for some reason acknowledging that doesn't really offset the amount of discontent I feel in my own life. I've felt like I've been on autopilot for the last year just grinding this out. It's incredibly 1st world problems I have, but it just feels like mental torture getting up every day knowing I've just traded 8 hours of my life I'll never get back.

I've never really fit in. So it's no surprise that the common approach to life makes me deeply unhappy. I've always felt guilty about that.

I recognize what you are saying and can understand it fully. Thats the thing with guilt, it makes you feel guilty. Not because you "should" but because you are troubled with it. As you build up self-worth the feelings of guilt will subside and you will start to feel that you deserve to have the life you have, be able to enjoy it, and being able to dictate for yourself what you should and shouldn't do, rather than having a feeling over you that you should do this or that, that's not really going to be satisfied, until you work on the core problem - which is overcoming the guilt in itself. This will also take care of the problem of "not fitting in" as you start to feel like you deserve to be a part of stuff.

(03-31-2019, 10:20 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Officially got rid of all the dating apps on my phone and accounts. It may work for some guys but those stupid apps were only hurting me. No matter how much I told myself it wasn't a big deal after evaluating it more I realized it was a contributor to stress in my life so I ditched all of them. Plus I'd find myself sitting there on tinder mindlessly swiping away when I could have been doing something more productive.

I took a two day break to clear my head with my music. Came back to it and I started "understanding" stuff more. A lot of intuitive stuff that helps me write, but I can't really describe it. All I know is that it feels like I can express what I want better without worrying about dumb stuff like if my chord progression is interesting enough.

Weather is getting nicer again and I decided I'm going to get back into skateboarding. I'd be interested to see how FRM effects that. Most of the time in the past I was too afraid to skate anything other than flatground. Never learned how to carve inside bowls or drop in on quarter pipes.

Overall I've been feeling better. And I think it's because I've been letting go of that death grip of control that was holding back the effects of the sub. Making a conscious effort to stop controlling was a bit difficult, it basically felt like going against my every instinct that kept me safe in the past so it was hard to convince myself it was a good idea. But I think I've gotten better at it.

Totally agree with you on the dating apps. It's an unnatural way for people to meet TBH. I better like meeting a girl on a party, through some friends at a cafe, or anything IRL. If you need to use dating-apps I think the ones that are like tinder where you very easily can decide who you like/don't like based on shallow stuff isn't really good for anyone. Also, to constantly having "prospects" in your pocket and chipping in to the "swipe right"-mentality is just destructive. It make you forget the value of a human being and real contact, as everyone become replaceable.

PS.
Guilt is result of an underactive solar-plexus chakra. LTU will help you overcome this, but if you want to aid the recovery you can work directly on this energetic center with different exercises. Anearobic exercise is good for this as it stimulate abdominal breathing (where the chakra draw it's energy from) such as running or anything that will make you short of of breath. You can also look into wim-hof breathing (and just practising abdominal breathing in general) and cold showers which I use with good results.

Thanks man. Guess I was going through a fog there. I seem to be past it.

Update on my life. I went to see Kevin Saunderson last night. If you don't know who he is, he's basically one of the founders of Detroit Techno. Absolutely insane set he performed. And just feeling that music brought on an almost enlightenment with my own stuff. I've been so bogged down in the technical, trying to get things really polished, but music is so intangible. Even if you can dissect an artist and copy everything they do, you won't be them. And that's what I love about music, when coming from the heart it's an amazing form of self expression.

I thought about how I'm always worried if my stuff sucks. I honestly didn't realize just how much I was making my music for other people. Or rather trying to appease other people. My biggest block is entering that self critical mode while creating where I question everything or even fear something sounding bad. But when I was listening to Kevin's set I realized the way his music was making me feel was something I haven't felt about my own music in a long time. And that's so wrong.

I'm not gonna say the technical isn't important, especially in electronic music. But you can see beyond the technical if the music is good. And I realized, what do I really want out of my music? And what can I let go of so the process is more fun and fulfilling to me? I basically settled on the fact that the music always comes first. I'll work on the technical as much as possible and won't give up, but that isn't my main goal. It's time I took the pressure away from being amazing at everything and just enjoy the process.

It's funny because I KNOW for a fact if I dropped that attitude I would be much happier with my music. And yet there's a fear that says if you don't obsess on this you'll never be great. But that desire for greatness and to be admired, it just stems from self esteem issues. That's the trap. I just have to work past that fear. It tugs at me. This isn't just music, I think this is my perfectionist side. Always pulling me back in, trying to convince me if I continue to beat myself up and burn myself out that's the way to greatness.

(04-06-2019, 02:39 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks man. Guess I was going through a fog there. I seem to be past it.

Update on my life. I went to see Kevin Saunderson last night. If you don't know who he is, he's basically one of the founders of Detroit Techno. Absolutely insane set he performed. And just feeling that music brought on an almost enlightenment with my own stuff. I've been so bogged down in the technical, trying to get things really polished, but music is so intangible. Even if you can dissect an artist and copy everything they do, you won't be them. And that's what I love about music, when coming from the heart it's an amazing form of self expression.

I thought about how I'm always worried if my stuff sucks. I honestly didn't realize just how much I was making my music for other people. Or rather trying to appease other people. My biggest block is entering that self critical mode while creating where I question everything or even fear something sounding bad. But when I was listening to Kevin's set I realized the way his music was making me feel was something I haven't felt about my own music in a long time. And that's so wrong.

I'm not gonna say the technical isn't important, especially in electronic music. But you can see beyond the technical if the music is good. And I realized, what do I really want out of my music? And what can I let go of so the process is more fun and fulfilling to me? I basically settled on the fact that the music always comes first. I'll work on the technical as much as possible and won't give up, but that isn't my main goal. It's time I took the pressure away from being amazing at everything and just enjoy the process.

It's funny because I KNOW for a fact if I dropped that attitude I would be much happier with my music. And yet there's a fear that says if you don't obsess on this you'll never be great. But that desire for greatness and to be admired, it just stems from self esteem issues. That's the trap. I just have to work past that fear. It tugs at me. This isn't just music, I think this is my perfectionist side. Always pulling me back in, trying to convince me if I continue to beat myself up and burn myself out that's the way to greatness.

Ask yourself why you need to be great? Is "being great" maybe something that just is a picture in your mind? I read something Kygo said that "he always just wanted to make music to play for his friend in his backyard" and that really gave me the picture about what it's all about - enjoying yourself with other people. That's where the emotions and joy come from which is ultimately needed "to become great", not the other way around.

(04-06-2019, 02:39 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks man. Guess I was going through a fog there. I seem to be past it.

Update on my life. I went to see Kevin Saunderson last night. If you don't know who he is, he's basically one of the founders of Detroit Techno. Absolutely insane set he performed. And just feeling that music brought on an almost enlightenment with my own stuff. I've been so bogged down in the technical, trying to get things really polished, but music is so intangible. Even if you can dissect an artist and copy everything they do, you won't be them. And that's what I love about music, when coming from the heart it's an amazing form of self expression.

I thought about how I'm always worried if my stuff sucks. I honestly didn't realize just how much I was making my music for other people. Or rather trying to appease other people. My biggest block is entering that self critical mode while creating where I question everything or even fear something sounding bad. But when I was listening to Kevin's set I realized the way his music was making me feel was something I haven't felt about my own music in a long time. And that's so wrong.

I'm not gonna say the technical isn't important, especially in electronic music. But you can see beyond the technical if the music is good. And I realized, what do I really want out of my music? And what can I let go of so the process is more fun and fulfilling to me? I basically settled on the fact that the music always comes first. I'll work on the technical as much as possible and won't give up, but that isn't my main goal. It's time I took the pressure away from being amazing at everything and just enjoy the process.

It's funny because I KNOW for a fact if I dropped that attitude I would be much happier with my music. And yet there's a fear that says if you don't obsess on this you'll never be great. But that desire for greatness and to be admired, it just stems from self esteem issues. That's the trap. I just have to work past that fear. It tugs at me. This isn't just music, I think this is my perfectionist side. Always pulling me back in, trying to convince me if I continue to beat myself up and burn myself out that's the way to greatness.

The best art is the left overs of an exceptional artist creating to please themselves. Others can like it or not; their opinion (and it is only an opinion) doesn't matter or come into play in influencing the artist in their expression and creative process.  It is the process of creation that really matters, it is the creative life force. The creation itself is the result, the left over, and in and of itself, only matters to the degree that it gives pleasure to the artist who created it.

Forget "being great". Be creative. Be alive to your fullest potential by drowning in the creation process as if nobody will ever know.

(04-07-2019, 03:06 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]The best art is the left overs of an exceptional artist creating to please themselves. Others can like it or not; their opinion (and it is only an opinion) doesn't matter or come into play in influencing the artist in their expression and creative process.  It is the process of creation that really matters, it is the creative life force. The creation itself is the result, the left over, and in and of itself, only matters to the degree that it gives pleasure to the artist who created it.

Forget "being great". Be creative. Be alive to your fullest potential by drowning in the creation process as if nobody will ever know.

Thanks for posting that Shannon. I needed to read that.

Thanks Shannon. I'm going to meditate on that and really make it my primary focus.

So after reading about Shannon's emotional healing in his journal, I'm trying to be more honest with myself. So here goes.

I'm afraid. I've been afraid most of my life. I try to tell myself I'm not, to be courageous, to be strong, but I'm always afraid. I'm afraid of this world. I don't see it as a place of opportunity. It feels more like something that rips things away from you. I'm moving forward, I'm not running, but to deny how I really feel about all of it does me no favors.

I've hit a lot of walls in my life. When I was younger I was pretty idealistic. But the more challenges I faced and the more I felt it beat me down, it got harder. It never really felt like I was getting better. It just felt like I learned to cope better. It gets to a point where it just becomes about survival. Not really living.

I try to hide all this from people. I think to myself, you're an adult you should be past all this. It becomes impossible to form friendships for me because it feels like a dark secret I carry.

There are just some things about myself, I can't even describe or put into words. Like I just think about my life and feel like this can't be it. This can't be all there is. Sometimes I'm so deep in this weird autopilot state with work and it breaks sometimes on the weekends. And I get this really dark feeling that washes over me. It's like this clarity and it scares me to death because I see I'm not happy. When you're so afraid of change, you bury that unhappiness. You deny it. For the sake of survival you just keep moving forward. But that's not sustainable, you crack eventually.

I guess my biggest fear has always been. "What if I can't achieve happiness?" It's always felt like it's there for most people, but for me I had to really try at it. And it was always those in between moments in silence when I was alone it would hit me like a truck. This feeling of things being wrong but not knowing how to fix it.

The biggest question I have for you is... "What if you CAN achieve happiness?"

I think you are actually afraid of that more than of not being able to, because from my point of view, the only thing preventing you from being happy is your own fears.

Maybe I am wrong, but I thought I'd say this so you could at least contemplate it.

(04-08-2019, 01:32 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]The biggest question I have for you is... "What if you CAN achieve happiness?"

I think you are actually afraid of that more than of not being able to, because from my point of view, the only thing preventing you from being happy is your own fears.

Maybe I am wrong, but I thought I'd say this so you could at least contemplate it.

You might be onto something. I'll have to think on it more, but I'm wondering if fear of happiness is a thing because I'm terrified of having it taken away once I achieve it. So I don't allow it in the first place.

Alright so fear of happiness is apparently a more common thing than I realized. I'm going to have to make a list of the negative aspects I associate with happiness and break the association one by one.

There's a lot of conditioning here that I'm following. Instead of believing the fear is strong and untouchable I have to see what keeps it in place.

Off the top of my head I know as a kid I didn't allow myself to be happy unless my parents were happy. I felt a lot of guilt that I could enjoy life while they were stressed about work or money.

I think that overall, yeah. I haven't allowed happiness in and I've assumed that it's a fear of not being able to be happy.

I like this one