Maybe some day I'll make a sub specifically for that.
(02-14-2019, 04:37 AM)cataleya Wrote: [ -> ] (02-14-2019, 03:40 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Super tired. For some reason I couldn't sleep at all last night with LTU playing. Felt a lot of tension and caught myself grinding my teeth. When this happens it's usually a sign of resistance for me. The teeth grinding is a response to try to diffuse the anxious energy. So I'm really tired today which is going to make work a bit difficult. Normally my reaction to these kinds of days is to have some coffee, but I've stopped doing that because I noticed the adverse health effects it has on me.
Also feel like I might be getting sick. Or maybe it's the detox. My body has been calling for tons of water.
I have been grinding my teeth since I was a kid. It doesn`t happen every night, but when I wake up in the morning and my jaw hurts I know I have been grinding all night. I was secretly hoping subs will eventually deal with this, but no such luck so far.
Try trauma releasing exercises. I've think I've read people being free from this habit with that.
Edit: here is one:
https://www.thejaneevans.com/why-knowing...ur-health/
@
Shannon that would be great. I tried wearing night guard but eventually I just bite through it. And the sound is not really pleasant for the person sleeping next to you if they are a light sleeper
@
Greenduck thanks for reminding me. I did try TRE once and it felt good. Just kind never stuck to it. I will give it a go once again.
@
mat422 Sorry for derailing your thread
p.s. I felt super tired when I first started listening to US/LM, but after a week or two I went back to normal. So hang in there!
(02-12-2019, 05:24 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Very tired. Even though this is supposed to be an all around life tune up, I still find myself intensely focused on my music. I've been analyzing different artists, seeing how they execute stuff, how I can improve my own stuff etc. I can't tell if I'm still under the influence of perfectionism or if this drive to make things as good as possible is healthy. Since I work with electronic music there's a lot more to it than just learning chords and scales. Whereas a person playing guitar just has to focus on their one instrument, I'm composing all the instruments and have to consciously keep in mind how they interact with each other. In addition to that I'm crafting the timbre of them and manipulating it throughout the song to effect overall tension/release.
I don't want to sound like a dick here, but I've heard a lot of music from other artists that is very flat, formulaic, and seems like low effort was put into it. Yet some of them are very popular. Part of me wishes I could just say screw it and not care about the finer aspects of music production. But another part of me is driven to push myself to go above and beyond what's already out there. I can't say at this point in time my music reflects this attitude, it's nothing special or unique. However, I feel like I'm rarely content with what I make. I used to see that as a bad thing, but now I feel it's probably good because it pushes me to grow. I'd hate to be a person that stops being able to see when their art needs improvement and stagnates.
I found myself avoiding working on my track today. These past few days I hit quite a few walls with regards to music making. It gets to the point where my mind starts associating it with stress because I can't figure out what's not working in it. But sitting on my couch I realized it's a problem and it will be solved, so I'm better off trying vs just avoiding it.
Overall still trying to determine if these attitudes help or hurt me.
Music will never be perfect, just make sure that you are doing your best at any given time and you'll be fine. Anything after that point is self-flagellation and counterproductive.
(02-14-2019, 03:58 AM)DarkTempatation Wrote: [ -> ]Hi @mat422 have you read a little update of my LTU on Shannon's journal discussion;
https://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-Men-s...-?page=385
If you get the chance I mean I'm doing good with I think I'm resisting too sadly
From what I've seen for you, it definitely looks like minor resistance. Especially if you're feeling that happiness/gratitude feeling. I wouldn't worry about it too much to be honest. There's gonna be occasional bumps in the road. Don't think of resistance as a complete refusal to execute, sometimes it's just slowing down or not getting on board with the whole script. You'll get there.
(02-14-2019, 06:15 AM)cataleya Wrote: [ -> ]@Shannon that would be great. I tried wearing night guard but eventually I just bite through it. And the sound is not really pleasant for the person sleeping next to you if they are a light sleeper
@Greenduck thanks for reminding me. I did try TRE once and it felt good. Just kind never stuck to it. I will give it a go once again.
@mat422 Sorry for derailing your thread p.s. I felt super tired when I first started listening to US/LM, but after a week or two I went back to normal. So hang in there!
No worries Cat, it's always nice hearing from other people. I can say that the teeth grinding stopped about a day ago. I'm thinking it was an overload sort of response. I got a lot of sleep last night so I feel less stressed in general. I think it's just the job routine that really gets to me, not enough time to decompress when I get home and I was also stressing myself with my music a bit. I could see it going away further down the line when LTU has me in a good place.
Man, if there's one thing I need to learn is to not second guess myself. This song I've been working on for a bit now has gone through so many changes. Finally I ended up right back where I started. All the in between stuff where I thought I was improving it was just the fear. There's a certain clarity I have when I start a song that gets lost along the process. This is probably why it takes me so long to finish. Not because I'm being super attentive and refining fine details, but rather I spend most of that time second guessing everything and changing and adding too much.
On a non music related thing. I'm having these weird sort of flashbacks to my time in school. School was always rough for me. I don't think I've let go of those emotions, simply buried them. I've done that with a lot in my life actually. Despite all the anxiety I faced at times, I pushed on. But it had a sort of build up effect on me. I've got so much stuff I pushed myself through, but it never really felt like I conquered it. I've been really restless lately, definitely feels like the emotional healing process. There's a part of me that developed with a very strong will to push myself past all these things, but another part that's still there weighed down by it all. I've very strongly denied that part of myself for a while now because I always wanted to move past it. But by ignoring it, it just continued to influence me in the background.
Back on LTU tonight. 3 day break wasnt too bad, but I also got sick so it was hard to tell what was what.
Went out to the city last night to hang with some friends. Alcohol was had, except for me. Just a few drinks, didn't care for them. Everyone else was hammered. It was fun. Usually when I'm hanging out with people I start feeling isolated, get stuck in my head a bit. Basically try a little too hard to fit in. But this night I just enjoyed the moment without expecting it to go a certain way, just letting it unfold.
Had a conversation with one of my friends while out. He recently had some of his art showing in an NYC gallery. Talked about his process, how much time he spends on his projects, just stuff like that. We both came to the agreement that dissatisfaction with your work is a good thing, but you have to take pride in every one of your creations as well. Made me realize I'm definitely too hard on myself and that it doesn't fuel my growth. My desire to be better will always be there, I don't have to beat myself up as a way to motivate myself. It's learning to disconnect the two, that fear that if I'm not whipping myself constantly I'll fall behind. So I keep engaging in toxic behavior that only hurts me. But I can have the desire for improvement without the negative aspects.
Just in general I'm glad I'm using LTU now. In all honesty looking at some of my thinking and patterns in my life I cause myself a lot more hardship. I make things harder for myself. And I guess that goes with self esteem really, you have to believe you're good enough in order to stop beating yourself up and being overly critical all the time. I could never stop being overly critical because in my mind I was just a fuck up and I didn't deserve it.
Absolutely lost it today when I got home from work. First I woke up feeling drained, but at the same time an internal pressure that felt like intense agitation. It only got worse as I went through the day. It developed into a headache. I couldn't focus at work due to being incredibly tired and honestly not giving a shit about any of it. The cold I though I was past magically resurfaced again and I'm feeling sick again.
When I finally made it home I wanted to finish up the track I was working on. So I started on that. But it wasn't working out and I got frustrated. I had this rage building inside of me. Just feeling completely sick of this routine, wasting my time doing shit I don't even care about. If I had less self control I swear I would have ended up smashing something or putting holes in my wall. The feelings were that bad.
This is what happens when you spend years going against what you really want and going down a path that isn't you. My denial has been so strong with regards to what I'm ok with. Basically the dam broke and I'm flooded right now with intense feelings of frustration and anger. There's absolutely no practical step by step thing here, it's just me releasing years of dissatisfaction. Just going most of my life feeling like everything is wrong and eventually get to a point where I just swallowed it and gave up. I thought I had to "mature". I just buried everything really and went along with the stupid fear based decisions.
Normally when stuff like this pops up my mind tries to rationalize or think of ways to not feel the emotions. But I feel like I just have to go through this for the sake of my own emotional health. To basically say fuck you to anyone that thinks I have to change to fit some societal role.
Sounds like the walls of fear that were holding you back are dissolving, and allowing you to purge the contents of the prison you are now disassembling.
I wanted to mention what happened to me last night. I was laying in bed trying to get to sleep but LTU was on. I was getting hit with these waves of emotions out of nowhere. Normally I hold back when this happens or try to fight off the emotion and suppress it. I didn't realize how badly I did that until last night. I gave myself permission to feel all these things without judgement and let go of trying to control my emotional state. I've realized there's a lot of fear surrounding that in general. Part of my issue of not getting to my core of my issues was always not feeling safe enough to even go there. Maybe a lot of shame from my childhood regarding emotional expression?
In any case it definitely feels like something lifted. Today at work I was a lot more carefree. Didn't really take things as seriously or worry about how well I was doing or how skilled I was or how I compare to other professionals. At the end of the day I'd always feel guilty for not being an expert in all this tech stuff or at the very least disappointment in myself for not trying to learn more. But then I realized this isn't what I want to do with my life and I don't have to prove my worth through showing how competent I am in some job. Definitely still work to be done, but I'm feeling more positive and like I'm finally breaking free of that chained down feeling I've had for most of my life.
There’s no like button, but consider it pressed for that last one.
(02-26-2019, 07:04 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Like +1
The worst thing is listed posts don't change colour after you've clicked them, so you don't know if you've looked before.
Phew, really rough day today. I start ltu 5 tonight, just coming off my 3 day break. I woke with a really nasty headache. But also this intense feeling in my stomach, I can only assume is the result of facing more fears. As the day progressed, I lost focus at work. I felt like 100% of my attention was going towards this internal healing. There was a connection between this feeling in my stomach and my headache. When I dove deeper into the feeling and didn't run away, my headache started to lift. But at the same time I got hit with these waves of panic.
I don't know how smooth LTU 5 will be for me, but I pretty much always expect the worst. My journey to freedom has been filled with a lot of emotional turbulence. Since I had a bad habit of turning away from these emotions, I'm more cautious nowadays about trying to make things easier. On one hand healing without the discomfort is welcomed, but on the other hand if I'm neglecting things because "it should be easy" I'll run into trouble.