Thanks Shannon. Talking to my online mentor really helped me out a lot with the issues I have over this girl. We determined I'm caught up in a karmic cycle of guilt, projection, punishment and unforgiveness, and that the way out is taking responsibility, which is the opposite of guilt. Realizing that, I realized that whenever these negative feelings about the girl arise, I just say to myself "Okay. I take responsibility for what I did and the consequences it brought. I take responsibility for what I've created and manifested in my life, and I take responsibility for changing it." I went and looked at one of the most hurtful art pieces she did, just to see if this method helps and it does. I was feeling way better looking at this hurtful art piece than the last time, during which I felt anger, resentment, pain, guilt, etc. I didn't feel any of that this time when I looked at it. Or if I did, it was only mild. I told myself: "I take responsibility for the creation of this drawing and the damage to the relationship with this girl that it represent... and I take responsibility for eventually changing it" I take am taking back ownership of my own creation and my power to create. With great power comes great responsibility, so if I just start taking responsibility, I can wield greater power for change. It makes me feel better, because as my mentor said: "Am I creating? If so, I create what I experience, so then I am not a victim (in a higher sense!). Then there is no one to blame or judge. Or I blame and judge, being a victim, but then I cannot be creating, I deny my power to create." That really changed my outlook and made me feel empowered, like "Okay, so I fucked things up really badly before, but if I take responsibility for my power to create and take responsibility for creating that fucked up situation, I can take responsibility for changing whatever I don't like" I've been feeling A LOT better ever since.
Had another unproductive day today. Part of me wanted to watch some videos on music production/composition, but another part of me just felt frightened by the prospect of learning that stuff. I think a lot of that is due to some kind of internalized belief that I need to work through.
But I was thinking about how I've been so focused on executing lately. Achieving the goals of LTU in the long run, but I failed to account for my emotional state. Here LTU was pulling up all this stuff that needed to be healed and I tried to brush it off. I tried to retreat or dissociate like I usually do vs processing and facing what it is that's holding me back.
All I know is that deep within the core of my being is a lot of pain. And my biggest stumbling block has always been underestimating how much emotional damage I have inside of me. Combine that with an overall lack of validation or denial as to how deep it goes and I end up in a cycle of being in pain but telling myself to get over it and that it's not a big deal.
It's hard sometimes when you feel really messed up inside, but you haven't had a traumatic life or one filled with a lot of hardship. You question how did this happen? What happened? But even if you get the answers, for example a mother that was sometimes checked out and didn't validate your emotions all the time. It doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem possible that such small minuscule things could have such a massive impact.
For me it feels like one of my defense mechanisms for making it through the pain was to deny it. I guess at one point I didn't express it or I wasn't heard or I couldn't communicate it and I gave up. I think I've been hitting a really deep layer with LTU. This deeper layer I've been having a really tough time accessing my emotions. Just being able to create a space for myself where I can heal from them.
Like i said this goes deep. This feels like it's touching on my inability to connect with other people on an intimate level or accept love from people. I don't want to sound negative here, but I am very emotionally damaged and stunted. Ironically it seems like for a good portion of my LTU journey I was trying to escape this part of me vs heal it. This piece of me is the one that believes it's fundamentally flawed in some way, undeserving of love, and unimportant in any way. It drove me to just keep shrinking away more and more, abandoning my core being and to start taking on traits that just net me positive experiences from people. Outwardly I could interact with the world, but inwardly it felt like I was completely cut off from everyone. There was no "me". Only the routines I had learned.
I still don't understand how it got this way. But ultimately I don't need to. I just need to heal from it. But I have to be honest with myself at all times vs running from it. Sometimes it's hard because it all feels like my fault and the emotional pain is seen as weakness vs something that needs compassion.
EP, karma is a religious concept and therefore violates rule 4 to discuss on the main forum. Please refrain in the future from discussing it outside the off topic area.
(08-11-2019, 02:53 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]EP, karma is a religious concept and therefore violates rule 4 to discuss on the main forum. Please refrain in the future from discussing it outside the off topic area.
Sorry.
Bumped up the volume last night because I had the urge to do so. I woke up this morning and immediately felt more stable. The only way I can put it. Upping the volume definitely seemed to push me more into executing. I think I might have had the volume too low and I was able to resist it too much.
Anyway today I've been feeling stronger with what I have to work through. My last post I felt really broken up and damaged. I kept diving back into that pain. But I realized today it's a decision you have to make to start living a certain way. The past is the past, it's the decisions I make now that effect me. And I need to choose to heal and move on from these pains, not keep holding onto them.
I definitely needed a stronger push and I think raising the volume gave that to me. This inward push to keep moving forward despite the fear is what I need right now. Otherwise the fear wins out and I collapse into a comfort zone that makes me miserable. I see now that I also was stuck in the healing stage as an excuse to not move forward.
Hmmm read an old post of mine about trying too hard. I think I've been sabotaging myself by trying to make ltu work better or faster. When the reality is my subconscious knows the optimal way. All this pain and anxiety I've been subjecting myself to was probably the wrong way to go about everything. I guess I'm still stuck in my old ways thinking healing has to be painful for any growth to occur.
That and I'm a bit of a control freak. Letting go and allowing ltu to work on autopilot has me feeling like I need to be involved more or have a constant awareness of what's going on under the hood so to speak. I think in general there are a lot of fear based control habits that interfere with LTU that I need to watch out for more.
Was taking to that girl at work yesterday. My situation is a bit weird. I don't really work with her, just help her fix stuff when it's broken so the conversations are a lot more casual. Anyway somehow the conversation got deeper and I found myself talking about my long-standing issues being paranoid of people's intentions. Essentially opening up to a complete stranger. Why did I do this? Don't really know. Once you do that you can't really go back and like I said it's not like I work with her on projects or anything, she's in a completely separate department. But I felt the old familiar feeling of avoidance popping up, feeling like I should have just kept everything hidden. She kind of asked me though. I feel like sometimes people want to know more about me but at the same time I've got a lot of baggage. And I'm pretty good at conveying the opposite of that.
Word of advice, resistance doesn't always manifest as stress. Sometimes it can be passivity and an overly detached feeling. Just realized last night if I was truly letting go of needing to control I wouldn't be trying so hard to get the sub to work. I'd just be following the instructions. So that's what I'm doing now. Whatever it brings up I face and try to understand. But I don't go digging for more. I'm assuming these things are being addressed in a sequence or order that my conscious mind can't comprehend and by trying to "cut the line" so to speak I'm interfering with the optimal path.
I know Shannon has said it before, but growth and change takes time. Sometimes you have to take a step back and really address what's going on instead of trying to run head first into a goal you aren't prepared for. I think one thing to remember is we all use these subs to eliminate fear and blocks that make our lives difficult. The goal is the removal of those things, not constantly putting ourselves in situations that essentially retraumatize us.
I wonder if that's self deception talking you down from advancing your goals by pushing the boundaries?
Yeah you're right. Although my first point was mainly that resistance manifests itself as disinterest/detachment for me. So at times it can be comforting in a way. I guess my point was resistance doesn't always feel like a push back. I guess that's what makes it tricky
I've been trying to find a balance between pushing myself and not burning myself out. It's not even doing things out there in the world. I feel it internally. Like a battle almost. When I feel like I'm executing the script I get this slight headache, my body starts tensing up, anxiety, I also feel this tension or pressure in my chest. It's like the more I start executing the more it physically effects. I don't know if I should keep trying to push past that or not. Truthfully I am tired of waiting or preparing, I've been doing that all my life. But when I try to dive in my body has a very strong reaction. I guess I wouldn't mind it so much if it didn't tire me out so much and cause me to have trouble at work.
Just realized I've been far too concerned with the internal stuff going on. The tension/anxiety, I should do my best to relax and relieve those. But I shouldn't dwell on it too much. For example getting home from work incredibly tired, sitting on the couch and the temptation to watch TV. I can force myself in my head all I want, but until I actually get up and work on music I'm just burning energy fighting a resistant part inside me.
Still trying to work all this out. It feels like my emotional state/fear is definitely the brakes. The part of me that says we have to heal all this before continuing on. But really just another excuse to procrastinate. The more time i spend in my head trying to convince myself to do something, the more it gets twisted.
Maybe it would be helpful to have something you could go outside or "out" and do that you can do with or without others, which is fun for you, and which distracts you from your fears and fear based cycle. Sport or hobby or something like that. Hiking, racquetball (can be played alone or with friends, formally or just bouncing a ball back and forth), electric unicycle riding, bike riding, etc. I think that might be good for you.
Or running. Some people like that. Swimming if you have access to a pool. Maybe going to a gym and lifting?
Thanks Shannon. I've been trying to get back into skateboarding but I find myself wanting to work on my music on the weekends. I guess feeling like I don't have a lot of time and trying to budget it has caused me a lot of stress. I never really considered myself a workaholic, but I've been unable to relax without it feeling like I'm wasting precious time.
Definitely going to try to find something though. I do go hiking from time to time. It just feels like all I have are my weekends and cramming everything in them is damn near impossible.