Subliminal Talk

Very interesting.

Be the observer really stuck with me today. I found myself reminding myself of it all day whenever I would start to get stuck in my emotions. They are all temporary, the less attention I give them, the faster they will pass.

I got a new perspective on my life. I kept focusing on how much I disliked my situation, but I dug myself further and further into a hole of permanence. I framed my entire potential, the possibilities out there, and my future based on this one job I've been at and my situation tied to it. I've had tunnel vision for a long time now. I only saw the path that I deemed possible and it wasn't a path I wanted to go down. But I kept going down it anyway because of fear.

Reality. What I called the truth of life was nothing more than my own limited beliefs projected on the world. For those who tried and failed I'd use that as evidence that only "lucky" or gifted people excelled. For every amazing thing that happened to a person I'd look for the cracks in it, try to tear it apart and expose the fakeness of it. For every person suffering I'd empathize and take on the belief that the world is a cold uncaring cruel place where you have to fight for survival. All of them only seemed more "real" to me because it's all I've ever experienced.

I kept waiting for LTU to change me. But it's a tool. I have to be the observer. I have to change my perspective. I have to understand on a deep level that my entire life is my own creation. If I have fears of LTU not working, I created those fears. If I slip up, I'm responsible for righting myself again. There's no dependency on LTU to "work" because I'm the one making these changes.

Hmmmm must have hit something. As soon as I had those thoughts and realizations it's like I snapped back. I became even more resistant to allowing these emotions and letting them go. I started resisting what came up and thought I was bypassing my negative thoughts, but I was really just holding them off using willpower. Definitely still fear about allowing these more powerful emotions that still exist within me. I don't know how to describe it but it's like a feeling of wanting to stop fighting it, but at the same time being afraid of being consumed by them.

I think part of me is still fighting the direction LTU is taking me. I can feel it as built up tension in my body. I'm doing my best to relax and let go, to allow myself to follow the instructions. But I find it very stop and go. One second I'm following along, the next second it's like I hit something that snaps me back like a rubber band. Even though it's very uncomfortable, I find myself being more positive so that helps offset it.

You know what? Screw this. Not LTU, just this whole mindset all my life to be "better". Nothing has ever been good enough. And even when I reach an improvement the bar always moves and I'm sick of it.

I'm tired of constantly feeling like I have to have mastery over my emotions. As if I have to be this shining example of human achievement. I feel like part of my lack of happiness is because I put too much on myself. I'm only human, yet for some reason I expect myself to be more than that. I don't know where this comes from, but it's colored every aspect of my life.

Even running LTU I feel this overwhelming need to have it work really well. And not just so my life gets better. It feels like it's the wrong motivation. It feels like I'm not doing it for myself, but just to become someone that's better because I've always been ashamed of who I am. Always trying to run or hide it, never fully embracing myself. And I'm not talking about the negative beliefs. Rather my core self, it seems like that's the thing I'm always trying to change or feel bad about.

I don't know. It's just so weird how my whole life has just felt like an effort existing as myself. It's been tiring and I really want to lay down that burden and move onto something else.

Some days I just get so frustrated and I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. Like I want to do more, but I don't have the energy or I just don't know how to move forward. I'm probably just fighting LTU because I'm afraid. There's a certain level of fatigue I'm dealing with every day. Where it feels like I have to try as hard as possible just to make it through my day. For a good couple of weeks I found myself drinking coffee again because it helped me focus. But then I realized what it was really doing was derailing LTU and giving me an out.

Basically I'm disoriented. That's the only way I can put it. I genuinely don't know anymore about any of this. What I've dealt with, what I'm still dealing with, how to move past it, etc. It feels like I just took my entire encyclopedic knowledge of self help books I read over the years and threw it in the trash. Maybe that's what I need. To come at this from a new perspective vs old thinking. So I don't have any expectations or pressure of what I "should" be doing to get better.

You just need to chill the F out, and live life day by day. You are probably thinking about not achieving what you had set out for yourself a long time ago, and probably thinking about what the future holds. Keep calm and focus on today for a little while. Let go of everything, and live in right now. Sometimes you have to go with the flow, you can’t just control
Everything. Think of your life as if you are on a wave and it’s taking you in all sorts of directions while you are floating on it, but for once you are not trying to control where it’s going. You just let it go where it wants, and when it does go to good or bad parts, you let it, without fear, anxiousness, or worry. Then when that tide slows down and the waves lose it’s strength, it’s time for you to be in control again.

(03-17-2019, 12:09 AM)lokko Wrote: [ -> ]You just need to chill the F out, and live life day by day. You are probably thinking about not achieving what you had set out for yourself a long time ago, and probably thinking about what the future holds. Keep calm and focus on today for a little while. Let go of everything, and live in right now. Sometimes you have to go with the flow, you can’t just control
Everything. Think of your life as if you are on a wave and it’s taking you in all sorts of directions while you are floating on it, but for once you are not trying to control where it’s going. You just let it go where it wants, and when it does go to good or bad parts, you let it, without fear, anxiousness, or worry. Then when that tide slows down and the waves lose it’s strength, it’s time for you to be in control again.

I understand what you're getting at, but I'm hesitant. Going with the flow in life has caused me more trouble than it's benefitted me. I've actually been trying to break away from that mentality as I find it too passive and opens up a lot of possibilities for complacency.

My overly critical nature is what harms me the most. I keep asking myself the question of why I'm such a perfectionist and why I'm so appalled by anything that isn't deemed perfect. But the why doesn't really matter. What matters is my actions and what I do. I need to start reminding myself that nothing needs to be perfect, people have imperfections, mistakes are ok, overly critical judgement is like a poison for me and other people, no good can come of it.

I've lived with this for so long I see it as how the world is. But it doesn't have to be that way. But I do need to make an effort to change it and no longer think like that. To stop seeing life as some competition of who's better at something. My solution was to always try to be the best I could be at everything because I was operating from within that framework. If I wasn't the best, well I wasn't good enough. But that only applies if I keep telling myself it applies. If that's how I measure my worth in this world.

The irony of all this, it didn't bring me closer to anything. It didn't fuel me, motivate me, allow me to surpass others. In fact the people who are less judgemental, less critical, and don't compare themselves are the ones that flourish in life. I had this delusion for years that this is what gave me my edge, this is how I was different than others and would go on to achieve bigger and better things. But all it ever did was hold me down, keep me stuck, and burn me out. All the pain and suffering, I thought it was forging me and building me up. But I could have easily grown in the absence of that suffering as well. That was just the delusion I held onto.

Lately I've been finding myself thinking that contrary to popular belief, pain and suffering serve no practical purpose whatsoever.

I keep having these feelings of fear/sadness that pop up. And I feel like I can only process them alone. When I'm around people I feel like I need to hide these feelings. It's been hard at work because I've been feeling incredibly vulnerable lately and my knee jerk reaction to suppress it fills me with tension. I know, the answer is don't suppress it. But easier said than done.

Which leads me to my next discovery. I'm entirely uncomfortable being open with my emotions around anyone. The thing is, it's not even outward emotion. I mean just feeling it. I'm trying to be more open, but basically it backfires and I get afraid and close off more. Part of me definitely doesn't feel safe around people.

The whole thing has been exhausting because it feels like I'm getting pulled in a certain direction, but too afraid at the same time.

(03-17-2019, 01:33 PM)Have at ye Wrote: [ -> ]Lately I've been finding myself thinking that contrary to popular belief, pain and suffering serve no practical purpose whatsoever.

They motivate,  do they not? You would not move without them to incentivize action.

They can also be used by the subconscious to punish the self, it try to manipulate it.

(03-22-2019, 10:33 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-17-2019, 01:33 PM)Have at ye Wrote: [ -> ]Lately I've been finding myself thinking that contrary to popular belief, pain and suffering serve no practical purpose whatsoever.

They motivate,  do they not? You would not move without them to incentivize action.

They can also be used by the subconscious to punish the self, it try to manipulate it.

Well, yeah - ultimately they incentivize action aimed towards *their removal*. Or avoidance (so temporary removal). So it's somewhat like getting whipped to go faster - there can and do exist other motivating factors towards action. Heck, I'd even go as far to say you do not need motivation to act, only the will to act, but that's kinda abstract.

The way I see it, f. in. personally in my case, while pain and suffering have been a motivating factor towards action, I can very well see now that I could have very well learned all the things I have learned and taken the course I have taken *absent* the experience of pain and suffering to drive this course. There have been zillions of others possibilities that may have had led towards the same end.

True about the subconscious trying to use it to punish the self in order to manipulate (as well as people using it against other people for the very same purpose). I've actually been experiencing a little bit of backlash, I think, these past couple of days DMSI-wise, I'll write a little something about it in my journal over the weekend.

Went to a music show last night. Heavy downtempo bass music, it was pretty chill. Took me a bit to turn off the part of my brain that heavily analyzes music. I tend to do that a lot because I'm always learning from music. But last night taught me you have to know when to shut that off in your own music as well. Sometimes I get so caught up in refining the track so much I lose the initial inspiration of the track. I guess it's moreso silencing that inner critic. Where I'm at right now with my music, it's definitely lacking in areas. But I can only bridge that gap by continuing to work on that, so criticizing myself heavily for where I'm at makes no sense because I'll only prevent myself from reaching that.

I'm noticing the ultra success kicking in. I've been struggling with concepts as it pertains to creating music and it's been clicking for me. There's a lot out there right now that is just plain wrong as far as music creation goes. I've watched so many tutorials, read blogs, forums, etc. and there is A LOT of bad information. I'm learning more doing things on my own vs looking for the info out there. I'm actually unlearning a lot of terrible habits right now that I picked up from researching some of this stuff. USLM is definitely putting me on the right path as far as figuring this stuff out goes, but I've realized it is a harder path. A lot of music has been condensed down to a formula or paint by numbers creation without discussing the principles behind it. It's those underlying principles that make a good musician. I think the reason they can't be taught is because a lot of it is intuitive and comes with experience.

But going to this show last night it was surreal for me. To watch these guys performing their music. Living this life connected to music. Like a whole different reality compared to what I've been in. But I also felt upset at the same time because it felt like I'd never have that. LTU is still working out a lot of self esteem stuff, so that definitely plays into it. When it comes to music and that whole lifestyle behind it, it's basically a social thing. And people have always been my weak point. Or rather it's my perception of myself and I how I relate to  other people. Even if someone wants to befriend me it's always a feeling of "why?" Needless to say I've always felt like an outsider.

Do you wonder why they want to be your friend because you don't trust them?