Glad to be back on LTU today, I was slipping. I went out to the city to some bars with some friends over the weekend and it sucked. Just straight up sucked. Loud music, couldn't hear anyone, drinks expensive, and there was just a huge feeling of disconnect. Didn't know how to talk to anyone or what to say, it just all felt so pointless. Moments like that make me wonder if I'm trying too hard to fit in places I just don't care about fitting in. Or rather not so much fitting in, but feeling like I need to push my comfort zone more and do more things outside my circle.
I think part of it is I still have anxiety with people. It may not manifest as really obvious things like increased heart rate or nausea like it used to. But it's still this block that makes communication hard and awkward for me at times. So I just end up standing around minding my own business waiting for a point where I can jump in the conversation but I don't care enough to join. Consequently I look like an aloof asshole.
So that was that. I started dissecting this anger I've been feeling lately. I've realized the anger is a response to fear and the fear is based on LTU pushing me to get out of the situation I'm currently in which I'm not happy with. Every time those fears were challenged I noticed myself getting irrationally angry. But getting angry doesn't change anything. So I sat down and told myself to be honest. I think the only way to move past fear is to fully acknowledge that you are afraid and then do something with it. I've been trying to pretend like I'm just angry and everything sucks, but underneath it all is a really vulnerable person just afraid of damn near everything. And it's not that it's hard or impossible to move beyond this stuff, it's just my active refusal to do so. It's bad enough being that afraid of everything, but it's even worse when you actively judge yourself for it like I do. Because when you think about it, how do you even reconcile in your head that you're a full grown adult and still have the most irrational fears? Talking on phones, looking people in the eyes, making small talk, being a well adjusted goddamn person. I feel like I perform every day and I'm so tired of it. That's been my goal now, just to say it's ok I'm afraid and stop feeling like I need to hide it or something. Because the more I do that, the more buried it gets and I have to dig it back out. And fear is at it's worst when it influences your actions in a way where you don't believe it was fear making those decisions.
Life tune up indeed. That's what I need more than anything right now because I'm legitimately sick of my life. I woke up this morning and I'm in the exact situation I was afraid of falling into when I was 18 years old. Nothing like having your worst fears come to life.
That was an extremely brave admission Mat. Respect.
Thanks man.
Morning inisght. After that last post and getting back on LTU I started thinking about life in general. I've been affirming how I live now is not my reality and I just need to choose what I want. To do that I've realized I have to let go of any identification with this current life I live. What's "me". Which is funny because if I never got to choose who I wanted to be and what I wanted to experience, can I truly say that those beliefs I hold about myself are "me"? I don't think so. I think I was conditioned to behave in a certain manner that isn't me and I've just been following that. The anxiety is because I strongly identify with that being a part of me.
I was thinking about Shannon's radio station analogy for choosing a different reality. The anger and frustration won't do anything unless I use them as fuel to tune into something else. Otherwise I'm getting angry at the radio for not playing the songs I like and that's it.
When I get home from work today I'm going to really write down my goals. Zero in on these and I won't accept limitations or compromise. I'm going to shift my focus to what I do want vs constantly reinforcing undesirable aspects of my life by giving them excessive focus. I know this is possible, I just have to be consistent and not let the fear pull me back to old comfort and safe ways.
Oh one more thing. I understand how it's not that other things are impossible, but rather I put too much weight in the life I've currently experienced for the longest time. Basically I see some things as more true than others when in reality they are equal, it's just the subjective perspective I project onto it. So to move into another life it's not about trying really hard and fighting to overcome, but rather letting go of the old life as "the truth" and allowing the new to emerge. If excessive effort happens that implies one reality has more weight than the other, which means a part of me is still identifying with it too much.
The problem is for me and possibly others the fact that humans are pattern based creatures. If your life has followed a consistent pattern for years you start to believe that it's your life. When in reality it was just a collection of experiences that you tied together in a neat little bundle of internalized behaviors and thinking. The freedom is understanding that all of that time and experience does not coorelate to "truth". And if that doesn't equal a truth or reality that means alternatives are just as possible or easily lived.
Definitely some trial and error going on with LTU. But one thing is certain, I have to let go of old beliefs. It's just a matter of know what letting go is. I find a lot of the time it ends up with me almost trying to deny things. It's like very different parts of myself. One understands the goals and intentions for my happiness and another is holding on to old ways. My common mistake is trying to let go of that self holding on completely, as if it's just a bad habit rather than another version of myself. The answer is not one side winning out over the other but rather bringing that part that's stuck up to speed on the overall plan. That means being more mindful of the the emotions that might be trapped in that other part and releasing them vs trying to suppress it or not feel it.
I've also been led back to Reality Transurfing. I found myself reading a chapter of it today. I think it's definitely a piece of the puzzle for me so I'll be putting more focus on reading through it and practicing the principles. The way I see it LTU is handling the back end stuff, but having a clear conscious map also helps speed things along. One thing I really like about this book is it emphasizes the inner connection and following your intuition. It did give me pause to consider what I've been chasing after vs what I really want. There's a lot I want in my life that doesn't really follow the mainstream, so it constantly feels as if I'm being pushed and pulled into situations I don't want to be in just because it's popular opinion.
Anyway I think there's still some stuff I need to reassess. Understand what my true goals in life are for me and what success means for me independent of outside opinion. That's the only way I'll be happy. Following my path and doing things my way. I feel as if I still need to declutter my mind from all the bad programming I've internalized over the years that has taught me to operate purely from fear vs freedom and enjoyment of life.
It sounds like you're getting there. You just need a plan. That may take a while and it probably won't be perfect and things might go in a different direction than anticipated, but at least you'll have a direction to start heading in. It took me years to come up with a plan and I'm STILL not entirely sure about it, so don't worry if you don't have ALL the answers. I have faith in you man. You got this
It sounds like you're getting there. You just need a plan. That may take a while and it probably won't be perfect and things might go in a different direction than anticipated, but at least you'll have a direction to start heading in. It took me years to come up with a plan and I'm STILL not entirely sure about it, so don't worry if you don't have ALL the answers. I have faith in you man. You got this
Thanks man, the encouragement is much appreciated!
Today was a weird one. I was at work and all of a sudden I felt like I was 16 again skateboarding outside in the fall. I smelled the leaves, the cool air, and my emotional state. I should note that skateboarding was frequently my escape from life when I was younger. I'd have days where I'd take a break and just sit in the grass, but I felt seriously depressed and hopeless. It felt like I was going back to that time to process stuff.
After that one i seemed to be trying to find the source of my creativity anxiety and frustration. I went all the way back to elementary school where I remembered working hard on some drawing but there was another kid that was way better and I felt my art wasn't good enough. So from this I realized I've struggled with this for a while, it's not just an adult thing. I think life was really hard for me as a kid too. As an adult I can look at those situations now and understand them better. But I imagine as a kid it was just really heavy emotional stuff I had no control over.
I've really been trying to move forward and push past fear lately, but these events showed me maybe I have to take some time to work on healing the parts of me that were conditioned to that fear. Fear doesn't exist in a vacuum, it comes from somewhere. Me trying to bulldoze my way through fear, as if it was this tangible thing that stood in my way was an exercise in futility. I see now fear is attached to parts of my being that just need healing.
(05-24-2019, 07:25 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks man, the encouragement is much appreciated!
Today was a weird one. I was at work and all of a sudden I felt like I was 16 again skateboarding outside in the fall. I smelled the leaves, the cool air, and my emotional state. I should note that skateboarding was frequently my escape from life when I was younger. I'd have days where I'd take a break and just sit in the grass, but I felt seriously depressed and hopeless. It felt like I was going back to that time to process stuff.
After that one i seemed to be trying to find the source of my creativity anxiety and frustration. I went all the way back to elementary school where I remembered working hard on some drawing but there was another kid that was way better and I felt my art wasn't good enough. So from this I realized I've struggled with this for a while, it's not just an adult thing. I think life was really hard for me as a kid too. As an adult I can look at those situations now and understand them better. But I imagine as a kid it was just really heavy emotional stuff I had no control over.
I've really been trying to move forward and push past fear lately, but these events showed me maybe I have to take some time to work on healing the parts of me that were conditioned to that fear. Fear doesn't exist in a vacuum, it comes from somewhere. Me trying to bulldoze my way through fear, as if it was this tangible thing that stood in my way was an exercise in futility. I see now fear is attached to parts of my being that just need healing.
Very interesting insight.
Still feels like pulling teeth getting stuff done. I'm hoping one day it's not like this and things run smoother. I'm currently working my hardest on confronting this internal fear. I understand a part of me is terrified, but if I wait I'll be stuck forever. It reminds me of a few years back when I couldn't even bring myself to get a part time job and I just sat in my room waiting to be ready. If that taught me anything it's that waiting to be ready never works. You have to push the comfort zone and face the fears. No it doesn't feel good, but the alternative sucks more.
Right now I'm home from work. Tired, about to eat. Internal conflict between working on my music or watching one punch man. One of those is more appealing because it doesn't involve work.
Just tried to work on some music. It didn't go too well. First everything just sounded wrong so I redid it. But it still sounded wrong. At this point I'm starting to lose my temper and get really angry at the part of me that is intentionally sabotaging my ability to finish music. I get angrier and push through it, but the music becomes even worse. Finally I take a break.
Here I am. I have to do some deeper searching within myself as to why I'm so allergic to success. Seriously. My attitude has always been "we'll do it and see what happens". Meanwhile in the back of my head it's just thoughts of failure or doing a crappy job. So on the surface it seems like I'm all nonchalant and unattached to an outcome, but I've already decided I'm going to fail to avoid success. So while my actions look like I'm moving towards something, in the background I'm figuring out ways to sabotage myself. I literally set myself up for failure and then get upset when it happens. It's just about the most idiotic and insane thing about myself.
I've been trying to force this piece of me onboard, but it refuses to budge. And just brute forcing it and getting angrier and demanding doesn't work. It just burns me out all around and gets me nowhere. It feels like I'm at a stalemate right now until LTU delivers more of a push that helps me get this part onboard. Until then it's causing chaos in my life.
I'll be paying attention to your posts to see if LTU5 helps with this. If so, that's all the more reason to want to get it. Anyway, I'm rooting for you and I hope you get all the help you need with your music.
Thanks man. Although I wouldn't use me as a metric to determine LTU's usefulness. I'd say if you're feeling drawn to it and have the money just buy it. It's possible you have a completely different experience than me.
(05-29-2019, 03:59 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks man. Although I wouldn't use me as a metric to determine LTU's usefulness. I'd say if you're feeling drawn to it and have the money just buy it. It's possible you have a completely different experience than me.
Well, I can't afford it just yet right now. Once I get payed for the help I'm giving dad with this neighbour's fence though, I'll purchase E3 and be using that until I go on diability and get backpay. Then I'll be able to get LTU5.
Anyway, I hope LTU5 helps you with your music
Bumped up the volume on my speakers last night. I feel better today, so maybe I wasn't getting the volume right for my level of resistance. I've noticed the more convoluted my reasoning gets for resisting the more likely it is that it's a convenient excuse. I need to keep pushing on and ignore these distractions. My mind likes to make excuses why change is so far off or presents these lllusions that I haven't progressed. When I latch onto them it feeds the doubt which distracts me from moving forward.
These urges feel like an itch in my brain at times. A compulsion to stop what I'm doing. The more I move towards what I want, the more I feel as if I need to stop and "think" vs do. I can't describe it all that well.