whome's OF 5.75G journal

[whome]

Day 17

I continued to listen to the ultrasonic version overnight, with no A/C and the ceiling fan. I kept waking exhausted, but emotionally I was still OK (which I attribute to the ketamine treatments). Friday was the first day of the three day break, so I tried sleeping with earplugs and the A/C and was just as exhausted. Last night I slept with A/C again, and woke this morning less exhausted.

I’m not sure what the exhaustion means. It could be sleeping in a room with no A/C and a temperature in the low 80°Fs. It could be triggered resistance by the sub, which certainly was happening with different subs I’d used before. I’m leaning towards it being the sub because usually sleeping with A/C immediately makes me feel better, but not always. I’m unsure.

I’m coming to the end of two on/off cycles. I can give it a few more cycles, but I hope that something visible shows up. I’m not seeing any effects like I was seeing earlier re weight, so I’m not sure what I’m looking for.

[Shannon]

Exhaustion is well documented with this program. It's an effort by your fearful subconscious to prevent the program from achieving its goals. I went through it, and many others have also. For me it was so bad at one point that I couldn't work for 5 days. Then I almost gave up, but decided to keep going, and the exhaustion just stopped. Now it never makes me tired.

So what your describing to me sounds like you're not seeing results because you're fighting the program so hard. But that means it's doing something that your subconscious is trying to fight, and if you keep at it, I'm betting the program will win. I would strongly suggest you use it for as long as possible up to and possibly exceeding the directed 8 months.

It needs time to work through the fear, and the resistance.

[whome]

I would strongly suggest you use it for as long as possible up to and possibly exceeding the directed 8 months.

I don’t mind if I have to use it longer than the 8 months. That’s not quite the question, though.

I went through it, and many others have also.  For me it was so bad at one point that I couldn't work for 5 days.  Then I almost gave up, but decided to keep going, and the exhaustion just stopped.  Now it never makes me tired.

You’ve written that subliminals tend to work on you pretty well (iirc). Yet even you had a rough start with this one and almost gave up.

Subliminals tend to not work well on me, with pretty strong resistance from my subconscious. How much listening to the sub and pushing through this exhaustion should I do? If it was tough for you, it’s hard to know if I will have the strength to push through for as long as it’ll take, or even if the sub is strong enough to overcome my resistance.

[Shannon]

I would strongly suggest you use it for as long as possible up to and possibly exceeding the directed 8 months.

I don’t mind if I have to use it longer than the 8 months. That’s not quite the question, though.

I went through it, and many others have also.  For me it was so bad at one point that I couldn't work for 5 days.  Then I almost gave up, but decided to keep going, and the exhaustion just stopped.  Now it never makes me tired.

You’ve written that subliminals tend to work on you pretty well (iirc). Yet even you had a rough start with this one and almost gave up.

Subliminals tend to not work well on me, with pretty strong resistance from my subconscious. How much listening to the sub and pushing through this exhaustion should I do? If it was tough for you, it’s hard to know if I will have the strength to push through for as long as it’ll take, or even if the sub is strong enough to overcome my resistance.

When I was experiencing the resistance that exhausted me, I wasn't going to give up.  I was going to shift my strategy.  The only time I came close to giving up was when I thought I was in a catch-22 where I couldn't keep working if I kept going, and my GF needed me to keep going.  Moving to something else appeared to be the only option to continue making money.

It turned out to be my own subconscious trying to trick me into giving up.  And when I didn't, the exhaustion stopped.  

If you use this program long enough, if you use it the right way, it will work.  You just have to do those two things.  I have no doubt that it can overcome your resistance if you do.

I tend to execute my own subliminals well, but when I resist, I have the strength of a mountain to fight it.  It overcame that.  I am one of those who has a personality with the potential for the most resistance you can have.  It overcame my hardest resistance, and this was the hardest resistance I have ever shown to a subliminal.  It can work for you too, as long as your usage patterns are correct.

[whome]

Day 22

Today was ugly.

I’ve been doing the ultrasonic subliminal overnight for three weeks now, and therefore I’ve not used my A/C. I’ve been exhausted those three weeks. And today’s ketamine session was brutal. Everything was numb under the exhaustion, and coming out of it I was exhausted, terribly dizzy, and my grief burned like it hadn’t in months.

Last year I was exhausted for a month because I was trying to avoid using the A/C, so I’m not clear if it’s the A/C that causing the exhaustion here, or the sub. So here’s the plan.

I’m going to stop doing the sub overnight. I’ll keep the A/C running overnight, and shift listening to the daytime. I think I can find 6 straight hours during the day.

If sleeping with A/C helps with the exhaustion, that will be great, and I will continue like that.

If it doesn’t, then that’s a harder problem. The existential grief/terror/fear that run me is deep in my core, and I can’t say that I’m reassured by statements that all I have to do it stick it out.

[whome]

Day 24

Stopped listening overnight, started listening during the daytime.

A question (kinda for Shannon): What kind of power does the subconscious have? Specifically, a lymph node on the right side of my neck has been inflamed and hurting for a week now and it isn’t stopping. Is that the kind of thing that the subconscious can do? I went to the doctor and they have no idea why. But I realized this morning that there’s a slight pain in my jaw near a tooth that I had a crown put on a year ago. I’m not sure if the pain in my jaw is caused by the inflamed lymph node, or if the lymph node is caused by the pain in the jaw and some tooth thing.

I am going to ask around about the possibilities of those things, but can the subconscious push back against me listening to subs by doing serious damage to my body? A lot of bad things have been happening to me since starting to listen to it, but I don’t know if I should be attributing that to the sub, or if it’s not something the sub can do and it’s pure coincidence.

[Shannon]

Day 24

Stopped listening overnight, started listening during the daytime.

A question (kinda for Shannon): What kind of power does the subconscious have? Specifically, a lymph node on the right side of my neck has been inflamed and hurting for a week now and it isn’t stopping. Is that the kind of thing that the subconscious can do? I went to the doctor and they have no idea why. But I realized this morning that there’s a slight pain in my jaw near a tooth that I had a crown put on a year ago. I’m not sure if the pain in my jaw is caused by the inflamed lymph node, or if the lymph node is caused by the pain in the jaw and some tooth thing.

I am going to ask around about the possibilities of those things, but can the subconscious push back against me listening to subs by doing serious damage to my body? A lot of bad things have been happening to me since starting to listen to it, but I don’t know if I should be attributing that to the sub, or if it’s not something the sub can do and it’s pure coincidence.

The subconscious is the control panel for the body.  It regulates all the body's autonomic functions that keep you going which you don't consciously control.  Now as to a specific lymph node, I don't know if it would get that specific.  I also doubt that the pain in your jaw has anything to do with an inflamed lymph node.  There are much easier ways that the subconscious would be trying to get you to stop, like the ever popular headaches.  I am not convinced that what you describe here means that anything is being done by your subconscious to try to pull "scorched earth" tactics.  

However, if you conclude that it is more than likely, then the path to take would be to reduce the volume.  The volume is equated to urgency, and if you push too hard one of two things will typically happen:

A) The subconscious will resist if it can, shutting down execution.
B) The subconscious will try various sneaky tactics to get you to stop running the program if it cannot resist.  

Option B is where we are having the "scorched Earth tactics" come in.  The subconscious is trying desperately to get you to stop what you're doing.  The best way forward without giving up is to lower the volume until your subconscious stops pulling these kinds of tactics, but you are still able to make progress.  Basically, you're trying to balance the speed of progress with what your subconscious can handle.  Go a cycle or two at that volume, and then slowly try to increase it again as you make progress.

I don't think from what you've said here that that is what is happening; I think what you're probably dealing with is just a fear of "what if", not actual scorched earth tactics.  Usually those will be simple and obvious.  Headaches are popular for that reason.  But as I said, if you, knowing more of what's going on than I do, decide you think it's more than likely to be caused by scorched earth tactics, then that is how you would best deal with it.

[whome]

Day 29

Two days into the new cycle.

I’m listening during the daytime, and using earplugs overnight with the air conditioner running. On one hand, I’m feeling slightly less exhausted. On the other hand, the lymph node on the left side of my neck is now hurting and the pain in my jaw is still there, and it’s hard to pin exhaustion on the sub when there’s so much in my body that’s failing and hurting and not letting me get a decent sleep.

Can I blame all this infection and pain on my subconscious resisting the sub? Honestly, I don’t know. For years, my relationship with my body has been “I don’t trust my body because it keeps failing on me” and that’s reinforced because my body keeps failing on me. I’ve had spans of terrible sleep for years, long predating any subs, so it’s hard to pin this directly on it.

[whome]

Day 35

Day two off, four cycles down.

I’m still sleeping and waking exhausted. Moving listening to the daytime hasn’t helped with that. Being constantly exhausted is a real problem.

First, I already have a strong tendency to float off into my head and out of my body, and being exhausted means that I’m constantly in my head. This has turned out to be a real problem when working with my healers, where I can’t concentrate on what’s coming up in my body. Progress that I’m making only comes despite being exhausted.

Second, the exhaustion interferes with my ketamine sessions. Two sessions ago the dizziness took hours to recede, and this past session the dizziness turned into overwhelming nausea. When I first started with ketamine, I tracked my emotions day by day. With exhaustion, I can’t feel in detail what’s going on emotionally, so I can’t do that. Tracking my emotions is how I can determine how well the ketamine is working and if I have to adjust it. Given that ketamine is the tool that I’m using to help regulate my emotions, this is another real problem.

The exhaustion hit me as soon as I regularly started listening to the sub, and it hasn’t let up. I’m very torn. If the exhaustion would let up soon, I could probably keep pushing through it, but I don’t have faith that it will. Fear is very very very very very VERY foundational to my identity, and I have seen it be stronger than anything I can bring to bear. If I stop, I’m sure I’m going to be hit by guilt about “surely it would have helped if you could have stuck with it”, but that’s standard self-hatred, and that usually fades.

Is there any way to know that you’re “almost there” past the resistance?

[RTBoss]

Is there any way to know that you’re “almost there” past the resistance?

For me, regarding getting past the exhaustion, I suddenly stopped needing to sleep-in late (or go to bed early) and had periods of high energy, and even a general positive mindset and euphoria.  For me, that occurred after a couple of cycles.  It seems to be different for everyone, though you're probably the person I've read about this affecting for the longest period of time.

[Shannon]

Is there any way to know that you’re “almost there” past the resistance?

For me, regarding getting past the exhaustion, I suddenly stopped needing to sleep-in late (or go to bed early) and had periods of high energy, and even a general positive mindset and euphoria.  For me, that occurred after a couple of cycles.  It seems to be different for everyone, though you're probably the person I've read about this affecting for the longest period of time.

For me, I was exhausted to the point of not being able to do much besides sleep all day for a couple few days.  Then my subconscious almost succeeded in tricking me into quitting for something else, and when I refused, the exhaustion just... disappeared.

I still use more energy than normal, but as long as I'm not also doing a lot of physical labor too (which is part of what I'm doing during my vacation, rock hounding is very physically demanding), I don't really notice it anymore.

If fear is foundational to your identity, you'll just need to use it longer, more loops, and/or less days off.  OF will eventually break through anything your subconscious can throw at it, as long as you keep going and you're using it at a reasonable volume and amount of loops/days on/days off.  The exhaustion means it is working, of course, because that means some part of you is fighting hard to stop it from doing what it's doing.  In most cases, it's because of a fear of death; in your case, it may be a fear of death and a fear of losing your identity without fear, which your subconscious may or may not also equate with death.

But if you keep going, it will work.  If your ketamine treatment is for something caused by fear, then only removing the fear will solve the problem.  I don't remember what you're taking the treatment for, but I think I remember it had to do with depression, and I have seen serious depression overcome with this program.  That really surprised me, but it makes sense that depression would arise from feelings of hopelessness based in being unable to get past fear.

Whatever the case, stopping the subliminal doesn't need guilt.  It's not an obligation.  But, if I were in your shoes, I would want to solve the problem.  If the ketamine is not going to solve it, I would probably give OF the full 8 months and then decide if I wanted/needed ketamine.  Or you can give ketamine a chance and then if necessary, do OF.  But whatever you do, I think it would be really beneficial for you to do a full 8 months of OF.

[whome]

If I were in your shoes, I would want to solve the problem.  If the ketamine is not going to solve it, I would probably give OF the full 8 months and then decide if I wanted/needed ketamine.  Or you can give ketamine a chance and then if necessary, do OF.  But whatever you do, I think it would be really beneficial for you to do a full 8 months of OF.

Oh, I want to solve the problem.

The reason I’m doing ketamine treatments is because I lived for years with a burning, excruciating pain in my chest. It ranged from “not terrible” to overwhelming. I was only capable of feeling somewhat happy on the best of my days. Now that I’m doing ketamine treatments, the volume on the pain is significantly reduced.

Maybe a year ago, before I was doing the treatments, I had this exhaustion reaction to a different sub of yours, but it wasn’t just exhaustion. Without the ketamine, my emotions were also trashed, and after a week of both physical exhaustion and emotional pain overwhelm, I could not continue and I stopped. Without the chemical support of ketamine keeping my emotions in check, I cannot push through a sub if my subconscious is fighting back.

Which is why I can’t consider your suggestion of “if the ketamine is not going to solve it, I would probably give OF the full 8 months.” It’s not like the ketamine “fixes” or “solves” anything. It just turns off the pain. But I don’t have the option of not using it.

My matrix of options:

• Neither OF nor ketamine: I live with pain varying from bad to overwhelming. I decided I was not going to live this way any more, so I don’t choose this one.
  
• OF but not ketamine: My subconscious fights back with exhaustion and overwhelming pain. The last time I experienced this with a sub, I folded within the week. If I were to insist on pushing through it, I would probably end up killing myself to make the pain stop. When subliminals trigger my subconscious to fight back with overwhelming pain, I stop listening to those subliminals because I’m not suicidal. This is not a tenable option for any longer than a week or so.
  
• Ketamine but not OF: My emotions vary from normal-ish to light-but-manageable constant sadness. The downside: I have to get a treatment every three weeks or so for basically the rest of my life.
  
• Both ketamine and OF: My subconscious fights back with exhaustion, but the ketamine prevents the overwhelming pain. It’s a bit better than the first option, but not by much. The exhaustion prevents other healing work and interferes with the ketamine sessions.
  

In that matrix, you can see that I’m going to keep getting ketamine treatments. The question is OF.

Every time I talk to my healer or the doctor about the fact that I’m listening to a subliminal that is bringing up these effects, it feels hard to justify to them, and to myself, why I’m pushing through the exhaustion. It’s hard to say, “I’m doing this subliminal and pushing through the exhaustion so that I won’t be dependent on getting ketamine treatments for the rest of my life” when the counter argument is, “you’ve felt emotional pain for your entire life; now that it’s gone, why are you pushing yourself through suffering when you can stop and actually enjoy living?”

That’s why I’m asking the question: how long is it expected to take before the sub breaks through? Without ketamine, the resistance broke me after a week. I had to stop for sheer survival. With ketamine, I’ve made it 5 weeks so far, but I see no letup to the exhaustion. Is there an end in sight? Is there a way to get a sense of how much longer it will be? I can push through the exhaustion for maybe two or three more weeks. I don’t have a problem with the idea of using OF for 8 months. But not if my subconscious is fighting me for all those 8 months.

OF will eventually break through

There’s only so much strength I can give to that “eventually”.

[Shannon]

In the end, it comes down to two things.

1. You are committing a logic error in thinking that your subconscious will always respond the same way, to later and later techniques and technologies. OF is a LOT more powerful than before, and you have a lot of options for how to use it. Volume adjustment up or down, days on, days off, loops per day... and something in there is likely to be a way through this issue.
2. You are welcome to use whatever methods you prefer to solve the problem... but if you're going to do healing with people who you think you need to "justify" your subliminal usage to, then simply stop the sub and let them fix your issues instead. If that doesn't work, then who has to justify then?

Whatever you do, I want to see you get better. If it's using my subs, great. If it's not, great. As long as you get better. But given what you've said, I would either stop using OF and hand my healing over to the "healers" to whatever degree, and see how that goes for making progress, or I would use ketamine and OF and adjust the settings until I found a way through. That's just me. Maybe I'm not aware of everything you're dealing with, and perhaps you choose differently. But if you are experiencing exhaustion, OF is being resisted because it's doing something, and that is important to consider.

[whome]

you have a lot of options for how to use it

My next ketamine treatment is in a week, next Thursday. My current plan is to put OF on pause until then, so I can go into the treatment with a clear head and avoid what happened last time. (I’m also curious how long it takes for the exhaustion from the resistance to clear.)

Following that treatment, I plan to pick up OF in masked format. I see two ways forward with OF: either as powerful as I can to get my subconscious to yield, or less powerfully to try to avoid triggering resistance. The former has been brutal and not fun, and by trying to push through the exhaustion, there’s a streak of self-hatred and self-punishment that I’m feeding. Therefore, I’m going to try the latter, in the hopes that it won’t be as hard of a battle.