whome's LTU5 journal

[whome]

Give it a shot.

I'm thinking of listening to it essentially constantly; overnight ultrasonically, and then just running the hybrid on a loop on my work machine on headphones.

I've been doing the four-days-on-two-days-off ASRB2. I suppose that during those two off days I should entirely take a break, no listening to it at all?

[DavisMind91]

So... if you are using LTU5 and you feel like 5 loops a day isn't enough, see what happens if you use it "as needed" for the mood stabilization, success, luck, motivation, etc.

Well, 5 loops a day clearly isn't enough. I wouldn't be using "as needed" for mood stabilization, luck, success, etc, as I don't see any of those from it. But perhaps increasing the amount I listen will mean it would start having an effect?

I’ll be increasing my listening time too so I can’t wait to see what happens for you too.

[Shannon]

Give it a shot.

I'm thinking of listening to it essentially constantly; overnight ultrasonically, and then just running the hybrid on a loop on my work machine on headphones.

I've been doing the four-days-on-two-days-off ASRB2. I suppose that during those two off days I should entirely take a break, no listening to it at all?

If you're going to listen constantly, you'll probably need those days off.  Just change one variable for now, with the amount of time you listen.  Take 4 days on and 2 days off still.

[whome]

Day 106

This is day 4 of the on-cycle; I've been listening pretty much continuously for the last few days.

Is this helping? I don't know. I'm still feeling the grief and exhaustion. Maybe if I push myself to feel happier I do, but I don't know if that was going on even before doing this.

I'll be taking the next two days off, as per the cycle to give myself a rest. We'll see.

[whome]

Day 107

A day off.

No news yet on the toad medicine or when I might do that.

It seemed like this grief hit hard about two weeks ago, and that vaguely corresponds to when I stopped taking "adrenal support" pills in a simplification of my supplements. So I reordered them, and will start again when they come in. I still want to heal this existential terror/grief, and so even if the pills help I'm still going to go for the toad medicine.

Thursday through Saturday of last week (days 102–104), I pushed myself to go and do social stuff. Usually I feel burned out in that area, and lately I've felt completely dead emotionally, but I managed to go. There was a speed dating ad on my Facebook, and I said "fuck it".

Thursday: "Speed Dating 2.0" where you log into their app on your phone and find each person milling around. That is far less awesome than it sounds, mostly because that means that no one can put their phone into DnD and is constantly looking down to figure out moves. I had a handful of interesting conversations but nothing came out of it. Best interaction: Her: "So, what are your plans for the weekend?" Me, confused: "Laundry?"

Friday: A woman I matched with on Bumble. (I match maybe every month or two.) She was Japanese, in town for sales support. She kinda matched the pictures, but in person I wasn't interested. And I had real problems understanding her, so we chatted and split up.

Saturday: Speed dating; I was comped, which was good since there were only six women and if I'd paid I'd have been angry. On one hand, I was on fire. I put on my charming personality over my exhaustion and had great conversations, finding some little topic that I could talk about, and turning that into five solid minutes of connection. On the other hand, none of them was physically attractive to me. I prefer women skinnier, and they were my weight and up. I'm 75kg (165lbs), so that is tough.

So yay, got myself out there. Oh well, not much to show for it.

[SaltyMeatballs]

@whome

Been following your journal for sometime keep up the good work. When u say toad medicine are you referring to 5me dmt? Ive had quite a bit of experience with the medicine so if your looking for guidance let me know.

[whome]

Oh!

Yes, I'm talking about 5-MeO. The reason I am looking at that particular one is because my acupuncturist has done quite a few different medicines and sees this one as having the best chance.

I'm hesitant about drugs. My existential terror has hit hard whenever I've done drugs before, so I'm not a fan. OTOH, I'm looking for something strong to stitch my psyche together. It really does feel like I have a hole in me, a hollowness of not being OK existing.

What I'm searching for help about is that feeling of pain in my chest, the hollowness, the overwhelming existential grief and terror that seems like it lives deep in me and is intertwined with my sense of self, that every so often erupts and overtakes me, and that is burning most of the time at a low level.

Dunno if you can speak to whether 5-MeO sounds right, but if you have thoughts I'd be grateful to hear them.

[SaltyMeatballs]

[edited as per rules]

[Benjamin]

Guys this isn't the place to expand on drugs like that. It's not an image we want here.

[whome]

Sorry; wasn't intended to get into a disruptive level of detail. Apologies.

[whome]

Day 112

I'm still pondering the 5-MeO and have questions out to people who might help. No answers yet. I will elaborate no further, as per the request by Benjamin. Please let me know if this is too much, or if it's OK.

Meanwhile, I've been listening to LTU5 as much as I can; overnight just a straight-up looping of the ultrasonic (not caring any more about getting exactly 5 loops), and during the day as much looping of the hybrid trickling stream as I can. About the same time I went back on the "adrenal support" supplement that I stopped. I'm feeling a tiny bit better, but I'm still feeling the grief underlying everything.

A few days ago I had a session with a sexuality coach, and the topic of body shame came up. She asked what I disliked about my body, and I answered with a good 15 minutes of things that I either hated in the past but have mostly gotten over (mostly), or things that still push the "you are broken and fundamentally unlikeable" button that expresses itself in my body in much the same way as the existential grief does.

There seems to be some kind of requirement to see yourself as attractive before others will, and I don't. When I was a kid, my undesirability was drilled into my head by my family and classmates (everything from my ears to my teeth to my voice, to being told, literally, that "no one wants to hear what you have to say"), and that never shifted one bit in puberty, so that shame in existing and avoiding people because I was unwanted mapped into a feeling of sexual unwantedness.

My sexuality coach and I are trying to figure out how to make me feel desirable. It's not clear how to proceed. Given that the self-image of myself burns in the same way that existential grief does, I'm also hoping that perhaps the drug work might affect that part of me, too.

[Shannon]

What volume are you using and what format now?

[whome]

What volume are you using and what format now?

Overnight: Loops of ultrasonic. iPhone Xs, 12/16 volume.
At work: Loops of hybrid trickling stream. Mac Pro (2012). Headphones. System volume 15/16, volume in the player app of about 40%.
At home: Loops of hybrid trickling stream. Devialet Silver Phantom, volume 45/100.

[Shannon]

And after all this, you have noted nothing that would indicate it is having an effect? Not even tiredness?