whome's DMSI 3.3.2 journal

[whome]

Day 56 (day 5 on)

The popping in the wall is back. It’s pretty quiet and so I thought I could sleep through it, but it kept me up, so I had to put in earplugs. I still don’t know if the ultrasonic is making it through, but I’m carpetbombing so I’ll keep at it.

Finishing up work today before heading home for the holiday. No signs yet of execution; been feeling pretty down.

[Shannon]

Earplugs are not likely to be allowing it through.

[whome]

I didn’t think so; foam earplugs especially cut out high frequencies.

I’ll make it up in the loops at work, but unfortunately if I have to wear earplugs overnight to sleep with the popping in the wall, that takes precedence over subs.

[Voytek]

No signs yet of execution

Same here after using it for almost two months.

[whome]

Day 57 (day 6 on)

Last night there wasn’t popping in the wall so I got the ultrasonic loops in. I now have the trickling stream on loop as I sit on the couch.

Tomorrow I head home for the week of Thanksgiving. Recently my father’s not been doing well. He’s older, and had a fall due to blood pressure medication issues, and at this point he has issues standing up because his blood pressure will dip too low and needs to be watched over 24×7. The idea that this will be the last time I see him alive keeps coming up, and my grief is back to eating me up from the inside.

I’ve talked about the grief and terror before. I’ve heard lots of advice, but just about nothing that is useful. The common advice is that you have to feel your feelings for them to move through you. Thanks, but the grief and terror don’t feel like normal feelings. They feel like crushing death. They don’t move through me to be released; they just sit there and the more I feel them the more they eat me alive.

The only thing I’ve ever seen that talks about this are some enlightenment books by Jed McKenna that I read years ago. He talks about the blackness of death and terror, and how to achieve enlightenment you have to go through it to the other side. And I don’t know. As much as I want the pain and grief to stop, at least right now I’m occasionally feeling good and having fun. If I tried to go through the grief and terror, I don’t know if I would come out the other side without going insane. Literally.

The pain isn’t quite intolerable enough that I’m considering other options, but it’s getting close. I’ll keep at DMSI for now, but if LTU5 didn’t execute and DMSI with the latest functionality isn’t executing, then I’m not sure what my options are.

[whome]

Day 59 (day 8 on)

Yesterday I had constant acid reflux, like my lower esophageal sphincter was refusing to close and stomach acid kept creeping up. Was it fear? Dread?

Today I woke incredibly exhausted. In bed by midnight but could barely pull myself out of bed by 10am. Everything feels fuzzy, I can’t focus, and I’m emotionally shot. This is so not good.

Today’s the last “on” day. I wonder if taking a break will be good, or will only make things worse.

[whome]

Day 60 (day 1 off)

Yesterday I was emotionally crushed, but met up anyway with a longtime friend of mine for dinner. As soon as I saw him, my emotions just collapsed. He was understanding and sat with me while I drank tons of ice water. Slowly, slowly my emotionality returned, and after a few hours I was feeling reasonably normal.

This morning I woke to feel a buzzing in my torso, which I took to be good news. I wandered around the city, and even visited my old university, which has changed so much that it doesn’t even seem to be the same place.

I went to see my father. He’s pushing around a walker, which is new, but he’s not obviously in worse shape, so a lot of the terror has subsided.

[whome]

Day 63 (day 4 off)

Thanksgiving continues.

My choices for Thanksgiving were to be with my friend’s wife’s family about a 2½ hour drive away, or to be with my brother’s wife’s mother’s friend’s family, so I chose the former. I had a decent time with them, and managed to be fine the whole time.

But I’ve been waking exhausted and emotionally shot for a while now, and it’s starting to eat at me. I woke at 7:30, and managed to pull myself out of bed by 8, to prep to meet my brother at 9:30 for WiFi work. That complete, I got some food and returned home, but by 2pm I ground to a halt emotionally. It’s not helping that my brother is scraping by and saves on his heating bill by leaving it at 70°F but the chill has been eating away my emotional support.

That and realizing that when I return I have several big presentations I’m not ready for, and I just can’t.

Back on DMSI and the hope that it can reinforce my emotional strength tomorrow.

[whome]

Day 64 (day 1 on)

Put the ultrasonic version on loop, and went to bed. Actually woke feeling a bit better this morning.

[whome]

Day 65 (day 2 on)

And... woke exhausted. Flew back home, so we’ll see if being in my own bed helps.

I have the cutest nieces, and they love me, and saying goodbye was tough. They’re very affectionate, and it feels weird and uncomfortable to be the recipient of affection. The idea of this being parallel, that I’m not in a relationship because I can’t accept the affection or feel scared that accepting it would mean being trapped or needing to meet her expectation isn’t lost on me.

[whome]

Day 66 (day 3 on)

Not great sleep but not terrible. It is good to be back in my own bed, and somewhat good to be back at work.

I have a ton of things that I’m trying to catch up on now that I’m back. I have to figure out if I’m hosting Christmas and/or NYE, and get on that. I have to prepare for two concerts.

<insert frazzled sound here>

[whome]

Day 67 (day 4 on)

Last night was one of my singing groups and I’m nowhere near prepared as I need to be. Tomorrow is the concert for a different group, and I’m really not prepared there, though the consequences of that aren’t as severe.

I need to study my ass off.

I’m still waking having slept terribly. As I was waking up this morning I could feel that it was the grief in me creeping up and clenching me in its grip while I slept, so that’s kinda a confirmation.

[Leo1990]

Not to hijack your thread, but I have listened two days and a friend of mine was asking for my advice on how to be as confident/cocky about being a sexy man, as I seem to be.

Sounds a bit random, but this was voiced yesterday. He said that since he has known me I've been like this (5 years), but only voiced this yesterday?

Anything like this happen to you?

[whome]

Anything like this happen to you?

While I’ve been asked about my expertise in my professional life, no, I don’t remember anyone ever having asked me for advice like that.