mat422 alpha journal

[mat422]

lol, thanks for that Shannon. I'd say the perfectionist tendencies have their perks at times, so I'll be sure to add being hard to get to the list.

[woceyes]

Thanks for the encouragement. Teasing is something I definitely have become more comfortable with thanks to the sub. Underneath it all I just feel it's very hard for me to connect and let down my guard. I think it's more of a fear of rejection than worrying what she thinks about me. It could be both though who knows. I'm one of those guys when something goes wrong it replays in my head over and over, and I can't stop it. I'm very critical of myself which I try not to be, but one thing can easily ruin my entire day or throw me into a depression. But that's why I started the sub anyway, because I was aware of these things and couldn't actually consciously change them.

I was there as well Mat. I would over analyze every thing and get stuck in my head because of this i would think low of my self. I would think it didn't work with this girl why would it work with that girl, this would snowball into more reasons not to do something. The alpha sub has made it way more easy for me to not care what people think and just be me. The harshest judge you will ever meet is yourself.

By the way, teasing women and treating them like a little sister seems to be the Magic Bullet. It instantly puts them into a familiar/comfortable/known you forever/he's not needy frame of reference for them, and it's fun to boot. I have friends who are better at it than I am, but it's absolutely deadly for getting women to be interested and sometimes even pursue you.

That inner holding back isn't healthy for you, but your perfectionist tendencies will make you refuse to be easy for women to get, and that's another thing they can't seem to get enough of. Tell a woman no after she's interested and she'll hunt you down like a lion stalking a gazelle. lol

Shannon i love that magic bullet and was always told that but i don't think i could have actually been as good with it if it wasn't for the flirt sub and Alpha male plus i have 2 sisters who i have teased my entire life. I agree it is major fun, the entertainment i get from it is better then most things we have in daily life.

Ill add to the magic bullet is do a lot of high fives and handshakes it makes it fun and less serious or tense. i mean the most important thing is just to have fun and be in the moment. Can't criticize yourself if you were just having fun can you?

[mat422]

So I managed to find a job working at a driving range, even though I know next to nothing about golf lol. Anyway, my brother is working there and he said his boss needed extra workers so I figured why not. I pretty much got hired on the spot and today I'm going in for training. Before alpha male I don't think I would have stepped up to take this job because the anxiety would have been too bad. I'm not free of anxiety, but it is an unknown situation so that always tends to make me a little nervous. It's kind of like I have the anxiety, but at the same time I'm able to operate independently of it. It's one of those things that's hard to explain but it's almost like you know exactly what to say without thinking about it.

So now that I've got a job I don't have to worry about my gas bill from commuting to college. I've been pretty much draining my savings account over the past year. I'm pretty good with money so I can get by only working 2 or 3 days a week at this job. I enjoy my free time anyway, more so than material stuff, but that's just me. I know plenty of people my age that work everyday to fund their expensive lifestyle buying stuff they really don't need.

[Patti]

So I managed to find a job working at a driving range, even though I know next to nothing about golf lol. Anyway, my brother is working there and he said his boss needed extra workers so I figured why not. I pretty much got hired on the spot and today I'm going in for training. Before alpha male I don't think I would have stepped up to take this job because the anxiety would have been too bad. I'm not free of anxiety, but it is an unknown situation so that always tends to make me a little nervous. It's kind of like I have the anxiety, but at the same time I'm able to operate independently of it. It's one of those things that's hard to explain but it's almost like you know exactly what to say without thinking about it.

So now that I've got a job I don't have to worry about my gas bill from commuting to college. I've been pretty much draining my savings account over the past year. I'm pretty good with money so I can get by only working 2 or 3 days a week at this job. I enjoy my free time anyway, more so than material stuff, but that's just me. I know plenty of people my age that work everyday to fund their expensive lifestyle buying stuff they really don't need.

That's a great job to have especially if you like to be outside! Good to see the sub is working and getting ya out there!

[mat422]

I read about things you and others have done that they would not have had it not been for the alpha male program. I hope that by using it I can do that as well. Im tired of being one of the people at work who just does ok.I want to kick it into high gear and become a top performer myself

I'm sure it will benefit you. If you have the determination and will to do better then the alpha male program will bring it out of you.

My training at my job yesterday was just so stressful for me because the guy training me had such a thick accent I couldn't understand a lot of what he was saying. So there was a lot of miscommunication that probably made him think I wasn't a good worker. But overall it doesn't matter, I'm already hired and I'm not a slacker when it comes to work so if he's got a problem he can take it up with me. I just hate when people evaluate me when I'm under a lot of anxiety, I don't do well under pressure and I make more mistakes than I should.

Anyway after my long day at work I had to go to my accounting class and take a test. I pretty much bombed it. I was tired, stressed out, and I just had difficulty focusing. I felt like I was reading another language on the paper. This class has been difficult for me because I have no interest in it at all, it's at night, and it's almost 3 hours. But it's required for my degree so I need to take it.

I can't learn if I don't have an interest in the subject. It's very hard for me. I hear the professor talking or I read the words in the textbook but nothing connects. It's even more stressful when I try to draw connections but I can't. It just causes me to lose motivation after a while. I started off strong in the beginning of the semester, but I just lost it after a while. I just need to pass this class, and I probably will because I can usually pull myself together.

My mood pretty much took a nosedive since yesterday and today I'm just trying to relax and recover from it. Had some trouble sleeping last night too. I hate how the smallest of things send me over the edge sometimes. Or maybe it's just that I'm already dealing with a ton of stress and it was just enough to send me over the edge.

[mat422]

Well tonight's the last night of stage 3. I figured I'd sum up my experience like I have been doing in the past. For me I didn't really notice a lot in stage 3. I wish I could say more about what it has done for me, but it's hard to tell. There's that feeling that something is different and at the same time it's not. I guess what I'm saying is the positive traits that are building still aren't powerful enough to combat the negative side of me. I've lived with that negative side for so long it's hard to notice the small positive things a lot of the time. So I'm sure stage 3 has affected me in valuable ways but I'm ignorant to it.

But progress is progress, and as long as I am moving forward even the slightest bit I'm happy. It's hard to tell what will happen from this point forward because so far each stage has made me feel very different. Stage 1 was the most brutal, stage 2 made me the happiest person for no reason, and stage 3 caused me to nosedive into depression at times and feel hopeless.

[Shannon]

Hard work is hard to do. Hard change is hard to make. Long roads seem shortest at the end - until you turn around. Patience, grasshopper. The journey is not over.

[mat422]

Hard work is hard to do. Hard change is hard to make. Long roads seem shortest at the end - until you turn around. Patience, grasshopper. The journey is not over.

Amen to that. If there's one thing I've learned it's the journey and not the destination, so you have to enjoy what you can. The roughest of days only make me appreciate the good days even more and make me stronger.

[Cortez]

Hard work is hard to do. Hard change is hard to make. Long roads seem shortest at the end - until you turn around. Patience, grasshopper. The journey is not over.

Amen to that. If there's one thing I've learned it's the journey and not the destination, so you have to enjoy what you can. The roughest of days only make me appreciate the good days even more and make me stronger.

Exactly! Sh*t happens, but so does lot's of fun stuff...

[mat422]

So I'm coming more to the realization and really understanding the concept of wanting things that I don't have. Particularly in the women department. As a kid growing up I was horrible with girls, probably only hung out with them on occasion. Either way it was always something I wanted more than anything because I never had it. I think it grew into an obsession as I got older because I felt it was something I needed to possess, no longer wanted to possess. I didn't feel secure in myself because I didn't have a lot of experience and because of that I felt like less of a person. I don't think I actually wanted women, I wanted to be good with women, basically an ego thing. My damaged ego as a kid was looking for fulfillment based off a horrible deranged way that would never lead me to peace.

Now that I understand where the neediness comes from I see how my validation wasn't coming from a place inside of me. My validation was based on how good I am with women. So as long as validation was coming from an outside source I would never feel internally fulfilled.

Of course this doesn't make me a master of seduction or the ultimate ladies man lol. But it's made me realize that women shouldn't be a goal in my life, I should take the time to do what I want to do and meet women along the way. I'd rather have internal peace and calm than always trying to get more and more women. I'm happy doing my own thing, and that's enough for me, anything else is just the icing on the cake.

[K-Train]

So I'm coming more to the realization and really understanding the concept of wanting things that I don't have. Particularly in the women department. As a kid growing up I was horrible with girls, probably only hung out with them on occasion. Either way it was always something I wanted more than anything because I never had it. I think it grew into an obsession as I got older because I felt it was something I needed to possess, no longer wanted to possess. I didn't feel secure in myself because I didn't have a lot of experience and because of that I felt like less of a person. I don't think I actually wanted women, I wanted to be good with women, basically an ego thing. My damaged ego as a kid was looking for fulfillment based off a horrible deranged way that would never lead me to peace.

Now that I understand where the neediness comes from I see how my validation wasn't coming from a place inside of me. My validation was based on how good I am with women. So as long as validation was coming from an outside source I would never feel internally fulfilled.

Of course this doesn't make me a master of seduction or the ultimate ladies man lol. But it's made me realize that women shouldn't be a goal in my life, I should take the time to do what I want to do and meet women along the way. I'd rather have internal peace and calm than always trying to get more and more women. I'm happy doing my own thing, and that's enough for me, anything else is just the icing on the cake.

I could tell that post was from the heart and believe me you're not alone. I wasn't as good with girls when I was young either, and I suppose it stuck with me but trust me Mat, there are very few men who can say that they've ALWAYS been successful with women.

Besides, the fact that you are seeking internal peace is a sign of maturity (which is ironic, seeing as how we're both pretty young lol). By the time you get to stage 6 you'll be amazed at how far you've come. Hell, I'm sure you've probably developed more internally than the average guy does in 30 years.

[mat422]

Haha, yeah the whole maturity thing is something I've always had. It's definitely made me feel out of place at times, but overall I'm thankful I'm able to see the things the way I do.

I know how you feel about getting validation from women.I used to be the same way.I was raised by very self absorbed and emotionally unavailable parents so for the longest time I based my level of happiness on getting some woman in bed. When I was in my late teens and twenties I tried to force relationships to happen usually with disastrous results that left me hurting. I am really beginning to understand now how the less you care about things most of society is obsessed with the better of you are.

There's a whole lot society says we need and how we should act. I've always been a rebel naturally lol. I just decided to let my hair grow out again after I got it cut. At times yeah it gets me in trouble because I go against the crowd so much. But I always hate conforming to society's standard of "normal".

[Ryan]

So I'm coming more to the realization and really understanding the concept of wanting things that I don't have. Particularly in the women department. As a kid growing up I was horrible with girls, probably only hung out with them on occasion. Either way it was always something I wanted more than anything because I never had it. I think it grew into an obsession as I got older because I felt it was something I needed to possess, no longer wanted to possess. I didn't feel secure in myself because I didn't have a lot of experience and because of that I felt like less of a person. I don't think I actually wanted women, I wanted to be good with women, basically an ego thing. My damaged ego as a kid was looking for fulfillment based off a horrible deranged way that would never lead me to peace.

Now that I understand where the neediness comes from I see how my validation wasn't coming from a place inside of me. My validation was based on how good I am with women. So as long as validation was coming from an outside source I would never feel internally fulfilled.

Of course this doesn't make me a master of seduction or the ultimate ladies man lol. But it's made me realize that women shouldn't be a goal in my life, I should take the time to do what I want to do and meet women along the way. I'd rather have internal peace and calm than always trying to get more and more women. I'm happy doing my own thing, and that's enough for me, anything else is just the icing on the cake.

I'm going through the same exact BS, at the moment. I feel so unfilled no matter how many women I get.

[mat422]

Absolutely man. I think a lot of guys think that getting a lot of women in their life will make them feel better. It will, no doubt about it. I'd be lying if I said that I don't want women. But it will only take you so far, and then you will be left wondering what better things you could do with your time.

You know what I hate? That feeling that you need a girl every day of the week to be happy. Before I started this set I always had that feeling. But lately I've been feeling good enough on my own and women are just a bonus that isn't really necessary for happiness.