mat422 alpha journal

[Shannon]

Alright thanks. I just did a test run for a little bit with the subliminal playing at a normal level. Weird sensations. I felt very disorientated, head was pulsing, and a little nausea. I guess I'm just really sensitive to these ultrasonic subs. I'm just going to go back to what I had it to before even if it seems a little low. I'd rather not have any physical effects from the sub.

Those symptoms mean the ultrasonic was too loud. You appear to either have a bad idea of how loud it should be in trickling stream or you are very sensitive to ultrasonic audio. Either way, use it at the loudest volume at which it is comfortable for you.

[WildFlower]

I posted in my journal about a month ago the same issue; feeling pressure in the head after listening to the sub too loud. I wouldn't get the pressure whilst listening to it, but rather the day and accompanied with a feeling of lethargy. I turned the volume down a bit and since then not had any problem with it. The volume I have the sub at now is perhaps on the quiet side but you could still listen to music at that volume and understand every word spoken. I just think we have a temptation to play these subs to loudly, try it with the volume down a bit for a few days and the pressure headaches should vanish.

[mat422]

Those symptoms mean the ultrasonic was too loud. You appear to either have a bad idea of how loud it should be in trickling stream or you are very sensitive to ultrasonic audio. Either way, use it at the loudest volume at which it is comfortable for you.

Haha, I'm pretty sure I have the trickling stream at a low enough volume. Any lower and I'd have to strain to actually hear it. I guess I'm just that sensitive, because even at a relatively low volume I still get a headache.

I posted in my journal about a month ago the same issue; feeling pressure in the head after listening to the sub too loud. I wouldn't get the pressure whilst listening to it, but rather the day and accompanied with a feeling of lethargy. I turned the volume down a bit and since then not had any problem with it. The volume I have the sub at now is perhaps on the quiet side but you could still listen to music at that volume and understand every word spoken. I just think we have a temptation to play these subs to loudly, try it with the volume down a bit for a few days and the pressure headaches should vanish.

I'll give that a go. I think I end up playing it too loud because I want some acknowledgment that it's there. Even so, my definition of loud seems very quiet so I get kind of paranoid when I have to lower it more. But I suppose if I get a headache at that level it just shows that I'm capable of hearing it at an even lower level easily.

[Spiral]

mat, this means you have exceptional hearing my friend! want to trade ears?

[Shannon]

Yes, basically you have exceptional high frequency audio sensitivity. Not necessarily exceptional hearing, but exceptional sensitivity to very high frequency audio.

Maybe you should stick with the trickling stream instead?

[mat422]

Adjusted the volume one more time lol. Originally I was playing it too loud I guess, for my sensitivity at least. Anyway things seem to be better now. After all I started at stage 1 with the ultrasonic and it's worked so I really have no reason to doubt it wouldn't. The headache I thought I was getting from the sub was actually sinus pressure I had yesterday so go figure. The interesting thing I noticed is when I play either the ultrasonic or masked subliminal I always have some sort of emotional response to it, so that's a good indicator if it's being registered by my subconscious.

This will never happen again lol. From this day forward I'm setting the sub up and just forgetting about it. That's one of my problems irrational worrying, kind of like when you leave your car and then wonder if you locked the door or not and it's all you can think about for the rest of the day. For me at least, that's a lot of excess stress that I really don't need.

[mat422]

I maybe released a ton of baggage last night while listening to the sub, I'm not sure. But today I'm feeling a lot better. Sometimes when I put this sub on at night I get all these feelings that need to be released. I think it's resistance to the sub. I physically tense up and get feelings of anxiety. But when I relax and let go it subsides. I have to consciously tell myself to not resist the sub and just go with it otherwise I can't fall asleep. I think I'm at a middle point right now and it's causing my mind to go a little crazy. So I'm trying to really just let go and stop resisting so much, but a lot of it is subconscious so there's only so much I can do.

I think at the beginning of stage 3 I was still on a high from finishing up stage 2. But right now stage 3 is challenging some deep rooted beliefs and causing some massive inner turmoil.

[mat422]

Got a mini revelation today lol. You know it's hard to pinpoint solidly how the subs make me feel at times but I know it's these breakthroughs that I understand on a deep emotional and intellectual level that let me know I'm evolving as a person.

Anyway I was always worried about finding my ideal career, like I only had one chance to do it. I'm going to college now and majoring in computer forensics, I honestly don't know if it's something that I'm 100 percent into, but I'm giving it a shot. I have to go through all these preliminary courses before I even start to actually apply what I'm learning. For all I know I might be walking right into a dead end. In the past that used to frighten me because all my certainty was taken away and I was left with fear of the unknown. But now it's ok. I'm seeing that life takes a lot of twists and turns and you can't expect everything to go as planned. It's better to venture forth into unknown territory than stay in the same place because of fear.

Fear is something that is ridiculous when I think about it. I'll never settle for less than I deserve because of fear. People are afraid to leave jobs, afraid to change, afraid to stand up for themselves, and it really holds them back. I'm not fearless, but I feel like I'm slowly internalizing it. I don't know about finding a purpose in life, but I'm determined to find a job that makes me happy for the rest of my life and something that I enjoy. I'm willing to keep trying until I find something that resonates with me. I won't let fear make me settle because I consider settling a fate worse than death.

[ronatello]

I won't let fear make me settle because I consider settling a fate worse than death.

Well said!
I have basically hit a crossroads where I HAVE to do something or just waste away. It was always my dream to move back to California because where I live now has no appeal to me whatsoever. I have always felt a "disconnected" feeling from living here. So either I can live here and be miserable for the rest of my life or move away (which my subconscious or "ego" is being very resistive and wanting to cling to the status quo). I do have relatives in Houston TX and while it's not my dream spot, it could be a step in the right direction.
Needless to say I'm grossly dissatisfied with the way things are going for me as of now. It's time for change!
And for all of those that happen to struggle with the subs: JUST...KEEP...GOING...!!

[Patti]

Got a mini revelation today lol. You know it's hard to pinpoint solidly how the subs make me feel at times but I know it's these breakthroughs that I understand on a deep emotional and intellectual level that let me know I'm evolving as a person.

Anyway I was always worried about finding my ideal career, like I only had one chance to do it. I'm going to college now and majoring in computer forensics, I honestly don't know if it's something that I'm 100 percent into, but I'm giving it a shot. I have to go through all these preliminary courses before I even start to actually apply what I'm learning. For all I know I might be walking right into a dead end. In the past that used to frighten me because all my certainty was taken away and I was left with fear of the unknown. But now it's ok. I'm seeing that life takes a lot of twists and turns and you can't expect everything to go as planned. It's better to venture forth into unknown territory than stay in the same place because of fear.

Fear is something that is ridiculous when I think about it. I'll never settle for less than I deserve because of fear. People are afraid to leave jobs, afraid to change, afraid to stand up for themselves, and it really holds them back. I'm not fearless, but I feel like I'm slowly internalizing it. I don't know about finding a purpose in life, but I'm determined to find a job that makes me happy for the rest of my life and something that I enjoy. I'm willing to keep trying until I find something that resonates with me. I won't let fear make me settle because I consider settling a fate worse than death.

Computer forensics sounds like an awesome career choice. I love all those types of tv shows. It is a pain that you really don't get to your actual major until junior year. But remember no education is a waste, it may not lead you where you're thinking right now but anything you learn is a good thing. My daughter changed her major 4 times and even though it slowed her degree down, I'd never want her to do something for any length of time she didn't like. It will all come together for you, cause it sounds like you know what you don't want.

[mat422]

So I was just having some thoughts and pondering a few things. I'm still unaware of just how much past events can influence one's behavior. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, but I remember one event in particular that might have caused some emotional trauma. I was probably only in 4th or 5th grade. I don't remember why the event happened all I remember is the actual event. Anyway, these two girls pretty much verbally abused me calling me a loser, stupid, idiot, all the while destroying something I owned. I don't remember exactly what they said or how long they said it, but it was pretty much a direct attack on me. Now at that point in time I didn't have as much awareness and understanding as I do now, after all I was just a kid. So a lot of that hurt me pretty badly.

I'm wondering if I was traumatized to some degree and at my young age made a hasty association with girls=danger. Granted, most guys have some degree of anxiety around girls, but sometimes it feels almost like a phobia for me. Even after getting to know them better I still have a lot of fear and uncertainty that makes me very reserved. Sometimes even if cute girls give me signs of interest it scares me. I pretty much see them as a threat. It's a very primal reaction that overrides a lot of my logical mind and the only reason I can give for it is that event I had as a child.

But like I said, I'm not 100 percent sure how the mind internalizes these things. I hate using past events as excuses for my behavior, but at the same time I can't help but feel that they are linked. I think events that produce a lot of emotion in the body tend to build associations at an incredibly fast rate. Which in my case fear and avoidance was the learned response to girls at a very young age. Over the years I was almost always exposed to girls so it only strengthened the association that developed.

I'm hoping the sub can sort out this problem. So far I've been feeling better, but I can tell I've still got a lot going on inside my subconscious with regards to negative beliefs.

[woceyes]

mat i would say yes it could but im not an expert.

In my first journal when i was using just different subs i used the flirt sub and it brought up one really bad experience in my childhood (i kneed a girl in the stomach with out thinking) At the time i thought i was hot Sh** and ended up in major trouble with the school and my mom. This had led me to believe that after that moment in my life i was outcast-ed by the rest of the kids and was scared to do anything with girls and women for fear of hurting them and experiencing more backlash. I realize now it was my own guilty conscious for never being able to apologize to her and forgiving my self for doing it and used it as an excuse to keep my heart frigid and not get close to people.

So i believe that past things can affect you and when your a kid defining your world and who you are as a person. negative acts can weigh you down. If i only knew and had subs/affirmations when i was younger my whole life out look would have been completely different.

All i can say for the girls showing you interest is if you like them enough to even strike up a conversation with them just tease them and treat them like your little sister that will ease any pressure you have on yourself for saying something perfect. Remember where all humans we all bleed red and make mistakes. if you do just laugh and move on.

You can do it Mat whether its now in the set or later on

[mat422]

Thanks for the encouragement. Teasing is something I definitely have become more comfortable with thanks to the sub. Underneath it all I just feel it's very hard for me to connect and let down my guard. I think it's more of a fear of rejection than worrying what she thinks about me. It could be both though who knows. I'm one of those guys when something goes wrong it replays in my head over and over, and I can't stop it. I'm very critical of myself which I try not to be, but one thing can easily ruin my entire day or throw me into a depression. But that's why I started the sub anyway, because I was aware of these things and couldn't actually consciously change them.

[Shannon]

You remind me a lot of myself, Mat. Hang in there. It may not be an easy ride, but you have what it takes, or you wouldn't be on the road you're traveling in life in the first place.

By the way, teasing women and treating them like a little sister seems to be the Magic Bullet. It instantly puts them into a familiar/comfortable/known you forever/he's not needy frame of reference for them, and it's fun to boot. I have friends who are better at it than I am, but it's absolutely deadly for getting women to be interested and sometimes even pursue you.

That inner holding back isn't healthy for you, but your perfectionist tendencies will make you refuse to be easy for women to get, and that's another thing they can't seem to get enough of. Tell a woman no after she's interested and she'll hunt you down like a lion stalking a gazelle. lol