confidence

[ffaux]

Absolute Self Confidence 5.0

Day 14
After some early doubts I seem to be seeing some effects from this program. Albeit not as expected.

I seem to be feeling a lot less confidence and a lot more awkwardness since starting. But it also appears as if I'm surfacing some things to my conscious awareness that I need to deal with. I've used the release technique quite a lot recently to let go of the things that I'm digging up.

On the converse I simultaneously seem to have more focus. Previously I could never decide on whether I wanted to deal with my relationship/dating issues, money issues, or health issues first but I seem to be having a clear focus on money as the first priority for the time being.

I also seem to feel best when I have the subliminal playing in the background and often let it take priority in my spare time.

All of these are interesting phenomena but I'm still haven't seen enough to rule out placebo. Let's see how things develop.

[ffaux]

Day 15

Some pretty intense resistance today. I haven't felt this kind of frustration and anger for a while. Again have been using the release technique to help me let this all go with varying degrees of success (but definitely more so than I used to have).

I bought the Audioengine A2+ speakers to put above my bed on either side and they finally arrived this morning. It's a whole lot of overkill for what they're currently used for (playing a subliminal) but good speakers stay good speakers so I thought I'd make the investment since I was buying new ones.

Still not feeling or seeing anything tangible that I could call absolute self-confidence.

[ffaux]

Day 16

Dealing with some tough shit again today. There's a lot of old things that I "dealt with" by saying no, rejecting and resisting that have resurfaced. They're fucking chewy ones though and it's fairly difficult to digest to be able to say yes and let go.

Mood has swung down because of the above and I'm skipping my friends birthday even though I know it could bring me out of this state and elevate my mood (hello depressive tendencies). I'm choosing to let this be this time and give myself the space and time to make peace with myself.

[ffaux]

Day 17

Interesting day today. I've noticed a surge in productivity and focus.

I've been devouring new knowledge with only a few breaks in between reading sessions. Where I would previously meander and feel resistance I now just read. No doubt this is the effect of applying the release technique extensively and letting go of extrinsic motivation.

I feel like the subliminal has been the influence for using the release technique so much but, again, it's difficult to confirm since I'm still not seeing anything I'd describe as absolute self-confidence in my behaviours.

I had a moment of mental quiet today which is something I hadn't experienced since I first dabbled in the release technique. It was valuable to observe a tangible outcome of releasing so much recently.

[ffaux]

Day 18

I believe the subliminal might be having some kind of effect. I have become extremely productive and organised.

I've now got on my wall the embryo of my 2014 roadmap for what I want to achieve this year. I was browsing the internet and felt the question bubble up of "What do I want to achieve this year?".

I've never thought of my life this way before!

I'm going through planning cycles and processes at work to determine what the business is going to achieve this year and as this question bubbled up I was struck with the realisation of the haphazard way in which I have been living my life.

How have I let myself drift from year to year with these dreams I've never realised whilst I've merely existed. No wonder I haven't felt any sense of real direction, I haven't had any.

How this is related to absolute self confidence is unclear to me but I can see some vague threads of possible connection. Very interesting.

[ffaux]

Day 19

I had a moment at work yesterday where some obvious political plays became clear to me around an innovation initiative I'm driving into the business. After pondering the situation for an hour I came to a clear understanding of where I had gone wrong and what I needed to do. It was almost as if I could see the fabric of the matrix for this specific issue.

What needs to follow is a brave conversation with my GM and I have no sense of doubt or trepidation about having it. Whether that will translate into action or not remains to be seen but where previously I would talk myself out of such a talk I now have 100% certainty that this conversation needs to be had.

[ffaux]

Day 20

Went to the mall to get some groceries and got attention from two cute girls whilst there. When I came home I decided to put the subliminal on for a bit and started using the release technique. I noticed a lot of insecurities come up that I subsequently let go.

I also made some progress on my 2014 roadmap that I've put up. I finally have 5 major achievements for 2014 up there with the 6th pending my discussion with my manager around what I'm going to be delivering in 2014 at work. I find it interesting how difficult it is to think of things that I want to achieve over the course of the year given an almost blank slate.

I've noticed a lot of desire to play computer games come up since starting this subliminal. I had quite a bad relationship with games so I gave them up completely almost 2 years ago and haven't touched any games since. However, after starting this subliminal I've sought out games on several occasions and installed them, played a bit and then deleted them again. I have no idea what relation my old gaming habits has with absolute self-confidence.

[ffaux]

Day 21

So much negativity is coming up.

I had the brave conversation with my GM and it went well. This was followed by a meeting around my innovation initiative which went less well. I came home with headaches and anger so overwhelming that I've been struggling to do anything meaningful with all this energy using the release method.

It's touch right now. I want to retreat back into my cocoon. I think this is where the games come into play. Gaming is a mental withdrawal from the world back into the womb.

[ffaux]

Day 22

I'm starting to have dreams. I'm aware that I'm dreaming during the dreams, and I remember that I had dreams during the night, but I can't for the life of me remember the dreams themselves in the morning. But I know I'm having dreams and I'm assuming that these dreams are related to the subliminal.

It's interesting that I'm feeling more social anxiety and like I don't really want to socialise after starting this program. This is something I haven't felt for years. For about 7 years or so actually, not since back when I used to prefer to stay home and play computer games than socialise. I remember a note of sadness and feelings of social ostracisation sitting behind those decisions. This is not what I thought the connection to gaming would be but it's interesting that they have come up together after starting this subliminal.

[ffaux]

Day 23

I've noticed a big chunk of "No" (resistance) to which I'm saying no. It's interesting because it made me think of Shannon's BAMM journal where he talks about moving around resistance like water. Letting go of that resistance is simply saying yes to it. I wonder if the effectiveness of his subliminal programs will go up by integrating some elements of the release technique.

[ffaux]

Day 24

I had a very strange dream last night.

I found myself running up a winding path with my little cousin on my back. In front of me were three slim, grey foxes across the path. I scared them away somehow by running at them with aggression and they were frightened and ran out of my way. As I passed them however they attacked. They were attacking me from behind and were trying to snap at my cousin so I couldn't quite see them but somehow I managed to grab one of them. I grabbed it by its neck and started slamming it into the ground in full rage until it was dead and then threw it aside. I kept running.

The fox I had slammed recovered and started howling (like a wolf?) and instinctively I knew that it was summoning its pack. I ran over the hill and ran into a colourless apartment block on the right to hide. Outside the windows I could see wolves of all kinds prowling, looking for me. I was afraid and kept running, trying to hide. The wolves would break in and attack anyone they saw. Identityless humans died everywhere as the wolves attacked them in groups and tore them apart. I kept running and hiding. Up and around, finding ways through hallways and stairs, always running and hiding from the retaliation I started.

[ffaux]

Day 26

I've had what I would consider clear evidence that this program is effective. I was with my lover for the first time since starting this program it was very clear that my level of self-confidence was much higher than previously. I felt more comfortable being open and connecting emotionally. For no tangible reason at all I felt better to her than I ever have before. I felt no need to talk dirty. I felt a greater sense of immersion. I felt a more relaxed self-asuredness. Simply, I had greater self-confidence.

[ffaux]

Day 27

I feel like some of the focus and momentum I was feeling earlier in the program has been fading over the past week. I'm not quite as directed as I was. I'm not as motivated and I feel like I'm not making much progress in life right now.

[ffaux]

Day 28

Lots of struggling again of late. A ton of resistance. I've just realised that the ASC script telling me I need to "release" is what's driving my sudden focus on the release technique (something I've been trying to get myself to do for a while now).

4 days left before starting Emotional Pain Relief and Healing Aid. So far so good. I believe.