USLMax Interlude and Musings

[Have at ye]

I fail to see how lying down, being maudlin, feeling tired, doing nothing productive and playing video games constitutes progress, TBH. It's an escape mechanism, fear-avoidance.

My past 5.5g subliminal experiences do support this claim. I remember having a similar reaction on DMSI 3.2. It was simply fear-based resistance. I leave it unchecked, I'll waste weeks of time and come to the same conclusions I would have otherwise.

I can focus on 11 y/o and younger stuff while still being productive. There's always time in a day to think.

Interesting trivia fact: there is, indeed, no such thing as "a kid-self", I just use it as a shorthand for parts of the subconscious that became programmed to react a particular way to particular stimuli. In essence, it's all me. In fact, the subconscious/consciousness in general is most probably more like a singularity (physically - kinda like a black hole) than anything else. Allowing it to become divided upon itself is a terrible idea.

[Have at ye]

Fixed my sleep schedule, printing out some scores and going to Bardic practice.

People all around me seem to be coming down with various illnesses; hopefully I'll be able to tough it out and not catch anything myself.

Got contacted yesterday by one of my DMSI responders, she wants to meet next week for drinks.

[Have at ye]

I did catch a bit of something, but I'm experienced enough to know how to deal with it so that I can continue bardic practice. Should be all good by next week's tour. I've been gunning for a bit of a higher repertoire lately (lately meaning - this past week, lol, whilst still working on the low-low stuff for balance reasons), and I've been experiencing the good 'ol "money note" fears due to that. But it should pass, I just need to get used to the higher tessitura.

Tomorrow I'll be USLMaxxing using the updated version in the morning. The secondary ASRB break of the previous version ends today. Much obliged to Shannon and the Indigo Mind Labs "where are the links? Is it linked yet?" ( ) squad for the release!

Among other things, I am also noticing a marked increase in libido. A *marked* increase. And some stuff that could potentially be DMSI 3.3 TID, or just programming from DMSI 3.2 that stuck and is now coming to the forefront now that fear removal's in play.

That stuff I mentioned previously is in the process of being worked through. I have a lot of repressed anger due to the fact I'd get punished in situations in which I'd express discontent of any kind, and also being put in situations in which I felt I was being mistreated and frightened and nobody cared and even approached it in ways that made it look like it's my fault, presenting it as such to my parents, and my parents taking their word for it without question, and then I'd get yelled at or punished otherwise. Pah.

[Have at ye]

Playing USLMaxx ver. 3 right now. It's making me kinda twitchy. Like, my fingers twitch, and my abdominal muscles also twitch, etc.

Otherwise, it's making me feel really, really good. B)

[Have at ye]

The twitchiness has passed (currently at the end of loop 4), but now I feel a bit chilly. So probably giving off lots of heat.

[Have at ye]

At the end of loop 5, getting that "subliminally tired" thing (like RTBoss mentioned in his journal). I definitely need to eat something now, too.

[Have at ye]

Interesting.

I feel like total shyte.

After listening to my loops yesterday, I went to a gig with a bro at the smyphony, and couldn't focus at the music at all because I was too busy feeling bad internally. This has apparently continued until today. I am also very tired physically despite the fact that I had quita a lot of sleep. Oh well. Maybe it's the infection I'm fighting, too.

Starting up my loops, gonna see what happens.

There's some national holidays around here until the 12th, so I've got a couple of days to "get a grip". On 13th I'm touring.

[Have at ye]

Went to a party today, even though I didn't feel like it all that much (because my mood seems to be oscillating between angry-sad-hopeless, mostly due to professional reasons which are getting worked through *hard* by USLMaxx3), but I'm glad I did, because I had fun and met with some decent people I've not seen in quite some time, and some very nice and attractive women which is always a plus. Noticed quite a bit of responses which were similar in scope to actively DMSIng, but it all may have been due to the fact that I was relaxed and somewhat calm and kinda talkative, despite not being in the greatest of moods altogether.

All this even though the party did feature my ex, and she did start to act weird (obviously) when she noticed that attractive women are actively chatting me up and hanging around. She tried some game-y bull, but - I am very pleased to report - it did not affect me emotionally in the slightest.

[Have at ye]

Listening to my loops for the day. It does seem that derpage is progressively getting removed, because I seem to be feeling better each listening session.

[Have at ye]

I'm noticing that when I'm listening to my loops of the day, I'll often think back on a fear I know that I have, or have had, or may have (f. in. if a hypothetical situation I've not experienced personally yet should occur, and I notice that I'm nervous/afraid at the prospect), and then say to meself: "Yup, let's get rid of it", and hopefully I'll be rid of it soon enough.

[Have at ye]

Touring from today, so I switched to nighttime listening while sleeping for the most part. Noticed one instance when I was feeling good and dozy, almost near going into deep restful sleep, when I experienced a sudden start, thought I heard two female voices yelling "NO" in my left ear (one was my ex's, the other I can't really tell), and became alert, but soon regained calmness and sleepiness after that (I felt good about it afterwards, as if something has cleared).

Had a dream, too, of the somewhat normal dream variety. Lots of things going on in it, one part pertained to a female I know, and then it somehow smoothly switched to a different scenario (as dreams are wont to do) where I was in my childhood room, and I noticed a cockroach infestation in it (a pretty serious one). So I got something like RAID to spray them roaches, kept spraying and spraying, they only seemed to be getting more numerous and would only move away from where I last sprayed, without seeming to drop. So I kept spraying, they moved directly to my bed and got all over it, I ran out of RAID, ran out of the room to find my father, asked him for more RAID to get rid of 'em roaches, he said there's very little left and I'll have to manage somehow. Got another huge, but near-empty can of RAID, and went to spray it on the roaches again, but there were only two or three weak puffs left in it. I think more stuff happened in the dream, but I do not remember exactly what, and I woke up soon after.

Getting the occasional physical fear reaction when listening to the subliminal, but they do tend to pass after a time. Sometimes I also experience quite a bit of sadness, but I often cannot tell what exactly I'm being sad about.

[Have at ye]

Physically tired due to the tour. Mentally tired due to some of the people I have to work with. Pressing on, day six of USLMaxxing today, two days of break after.

[Have at ye]

Heh, nearly started listening to the previous version of USLM by mistake (they sound different somehow), fortunately caught it within a couple of seconds and am now playing ver. 3. On break until Saturday afterwards.

[Zane]

Heh, nearly started listening to the previous version of USLM by mistake (they sound different somehow), fortunately caught it within a couple of seconds and am now playing ver. 3. On break until Saturday afterwards.

I bet your subconscious misses the old version, no wonder this happened