OGSF 5.9G adventures and random musings

[Have at ye]

So I switched to OGSF from UMSv2, as it's time to deal with guilt, shame and fear once and for all. 

I was definitely experiencing some TID from OGSF prior to that. I listened to my loops and then slept throughout most of the day, with some very interesting dreams which were kinda all over the place. Some were definitely related to shame and fear that springs from it.

I am not experiencing agitation as of yet, but I am experiencing a lot of internal tension which is kinda a hamper on my singing exercises but that's probably also due to the fact I had a long break from it.

In other news, got a lead on a singing job - with an employment contract! - and will call a guy tomorrow to see what's what. Fingers crossed, this could be a good opportunity.

I've had some digestive issues recently, maybe this could be related. Trying to eat less as well to lose some weight while I'm at it.

[Have at ye]

Okay, now it's four days off until the 6th.

Currently the program seems to be hitting my shame-sensors in the self-esteem/"I wasted my life and have nothing to show for it" thing I have been obssessing since my psychotic episode about. Hopefully this will clear it out eventually as it's a terrible thing to think. I also have waaaay too much free time on my hands right now and apart from reading books I've no inclination to try other hobbies to fill it out.

I'm getting close to finishing that big translation job I've been doing this past month. Good on me! I do have thoughts that I'm a shitty translator, though, which re-occur at regular intervals. I did, to my shame, accept a couple of small jobs in a field in which I have had no previous experience and thus did a shoddy job, so this has exacerbated the sentiment. I should not accept work I'm not a good fit for, despite the fact that I'm dying for regular work. I accepted out of fear that I'm not making enough money (I am currently comfortable financially though not rich by any means).

Going to give a call to a guy who's supposed to be looking for singers. It'd be choir work, so not exactly a dream come true, but it'd be steady work with an employment contract and all the bells and whistles of that, so let's hope for the best! I could use regular work, TBH, to have job security and not quite as much time to mope about. We'll see. My first singing teacher is really trying to help me out which I very much appreciate. Good guy, that guy.

[Have at ye]

I came to the conclusion today that I set very high standards for myself, and expectations of myself, and when I cannot meet them, or feel like I'm not meeting them, this results in tremendous guilt and shame, which then results in fear. Let's get rid of them! Maybe not the standards and expectations, but the driver behind them.

[Shannon]

Set your goals high, set your standards high, but make them achievable. Maybe it takes effort, maybe it takes a lot of effort, but achievable. Sounds like progress to me.

[Have at ye]

Thanks.

I was thinking recently that while I was experiencing that psychotic episode, among other things what came up was my guilt at using DMSI in the first place. I had these voices telling me that I should be banned from using subliminals and other self-help things of the sort altogether. This may have been the reason why my results on DMSI were inconsistent, perhaps after I've used OGSF this will change and I'll have even more success using various subs.

Also I had a lot of self-recrimination regarding being interested in women at all. I had this voice shaming me for even daring to look at women due to my spell of erectile dysfunction and porn use. Maybe this can get fixed as well.

Interestingly enough, I've been no-fapping and no-porning since August last year, but I can't say I'm noticing much of a difference in my sex drive (it's a bit low right now but maybe that's compared to how it was when I was using DMSI).

In other news, I have a meeting with the guy from that choir-job sometime next week. It's looking good, potential employment-wise.

[Shannon]

Have you had the whole hearing voices thing checked out by a psychological professional? Having a psychotic episode and hearing voices points in the direction of that being a good idea.

[Have at ye]

Have you had the whole hearing voices thing checked out by a psychological professional?  Having a psychotic episode and hearing voices points in the direction of that being a good idea.

I have. I've been to a psychiatric facility for three weeks, am in psychotherapy now and on meds. Have not heard voices since.

[Have at ye]

Can't wait to put on the loops tonight. I'm experiencing some fear and nervousness coming up. Meeting with my singing teacher today, I also have a phone call planned with a guy from that potential choir-job to set up a meeting later in the week.

I sometimes feel like giving up, but it's mostly because I'm dealing with unease caused by various external and internal circumstances. F. in. I noticed some time ago when I was on the subway, while looking at an attractive woman, that I'm internally blocked from expressing my desire for her, and that's out of fear and shame. It's amazing I got as good results with DMSI as I did while dealing with all that at the same time, it must have caused internal resistance. Probably goes to show just how powerful a program it is.

Still trucking on, sent some application for freelance translation jobs. Not getting many responses, though.

Got some plans to meet with friends in two weeks' time, which is very nice because I've not had much interaction with people recently.

[Have at ye]

The singing class went pretty well even though we didn't have all that much time for it. He told me "don't be afraid of singing", hehehe. Hopefully OGSF will help with that!

That choir job is looking better by the minute, waiting for the call from that guy, we'll see.

[Have at ye]

Since the choir-job guy was late in calling me, I called him up and he said he's just been too busy to set up a meeting and he'll do that as soon as he can. I did consult a psychologist earlier in the day, though, to make sure I won't come off as a bothersome person - a symptom of fear/social anxiety - and decided that it's actually the right call to do. The choir job looks enticing and I also heard you can get solo work at the same institution as well if you sing well, so that'd be nice.

I am getting some negative side effects of the medication I am on, will have to consult with my doctor during my next visit and maybe switch up the meds to something that doesn't have these particular side-effects, as they are bothersome. But that's soon enough, on the 23rd.

Been having "back to school" dreams as well as dreams related to the fairer sex, sometimes mixed up.

Trucking on with translation jobs, should be finished with that big job I got advance payment on soon, planning to have it done by the 18th at the latest as I've got a little party coming up thereabout. I normally would be worried that I'll be out of work again, but, I dunno, call me optimistic about that choir job, feels like I should be a-shooin'.

[Have at ye]

Gravitated towards 5 days on, 3 days off.

Last night when I was sleeping I noticed a fear getting disconnected, like a *pop* occurring and me not experiencing a fear related to what I was dreaming about. Hopefully the same is happening for guilt and shame.

I've been experiencing tension and some anxiety in the recent days (although to a smaller degree than I used to) and am hoping that this program is going to help with that. Been also feeling a bit lazy and very sleepy, back to work today!

[Have at ye]

I think I've placed most of what I fear and fear shame and guilt about, and it's related to early childhood experiences as well as later failures in life. Thus I am afraid of doing pretty much anything except for staying at home and waiting out my life. It's no wonder life has been some tiresome for me - I've been fighting unconscious fears throughout. Hopefully this program is going to help do something about it. Listening to my loops right now.

Got back to work, got a new potential client for translation work (currently at the "sending samples" stage), which is good. Waiting on news on that choir job which could take some time. I could use some successes right about now, to keep me going.

[Have at ye]

Went to a rehearsal with a band today, I enjoyed myself and the fact the appreciated my voice. They said they'd prefer something more rock-sounding, but I've been doing belcanto so long it's not coming easy, that rock sound, but I did growl a little bit. We'll see how it goes, they now have three other guys to test. It'd be nice if they take me in, good music, good players, seem like good people, would be something constructive to do.

I experienced way less anxiety today on various fronts, but I did take some anti-anxiety medication as a precautionary measure. Lowered the volume of OGSF to -10dB as per foobar (I play it from my laptop speakers, hybrid). Am even beginning to start feeling normal yet again.

Silence on other fronts with the exception of a translation job every now and again. I'm getting close to finishing up that huge translation gig I got in December, should take me 3-4 days or so. I have a meeting with some friends on Saturday and my ex is not going to be in attendance which is a good thing as I could do without her negativity.

[Have at ye]

Oddly enough, having thoughts of giving up listening to subliminals altogether while listening to my loops of OGSF today. Resistance?