USLM V3 Journal

[findingme]

I'm a little bummed. I should care more. I should. But something first pissed me off, I sat a while thinking about options, and I'm detaching slowly.

The reason for this: I tried to be open to seeing my mom, so I texted her asking if I could come over tomorrow. My truth: I need to do my laundry. I thought she'd like to see me.

She replied with "yes. I hurt my leg and I need some help. Can you make some time?"

I didn't respond, but it really pissed me off that she's trying to hold on to me through sudden "injuries". I won't derail.

Living around her is a total mindf***. The message was and is "don't be honest. Don't be direct. Guilt and manipulate to have your needs met."

I considered writing here minutes after this text, and I stopped since I wanted to secretly scream "save me from my mom!" A good direct friend I know would ask me, "so what are you going to do? That's up to you"

I'd like to totally bow out now. Her needs are not massive. But the indirectness and emotional manipulation is really bothering me, and I'd like to call her out on it.

My truth: I've never done this. I can do it. I've just never done it.

I'll end this post since I can do something.

[findingme]

Regarding taking responsibility, I messaged one of my traders today since I've invested in BTC mining with her. I've been chatting with her for about an hour now.

This is a step up for me. I've had way more attention in recent weeks in investing, and I made a numbered list of questions for her. I invested about 2 weeks back, but I'd dismissed a lot of detailed curiosity questions before. I excitedly brought this discussion to her, right near the end of my work day.

I've been throwing question after question, for I wish to see a financial gain. It's not that I NEED a financial gain. I'm just seeing opportunity right in front of me, with people I've known and worked with over a year now.
_________________________________________________________________________

Regarding responsibility with my mom, my mindset is shifting. I'm not responsible for her emotional well-being. I'm only responsible for my own. When I take hers on, I get downright angry now. I'm not a emotional caretaker. Her alcoholism dictates her choices, so I distance myself from her as much as needed. It hurts her, and she makes her choice daily. When and if she listens to her own intuition, she may ask for help. But I am not responsible for her directly. We all have a free will, and I'm using mine. I'll go to her house tomorrow, with limits.

[findingme]

------

[findingme]

I'm keeping my eyes open for the AM6 price dropping again. After sleeping on it and writing about it to a past AM6 user this morning, I realized I'd like to do AM6. My reasons were revealing, even to me.

I wrote last night, after working a half day, my norm on Saturdays. This is major since during the week, I'm getting daily interaction, which when good, I'm both giving and receiving positive words and feelings with other men.

But.....my weekends are different. I spend 75% of it home alone, seeking some regular interaction and feedback at first, which is why I write here heavily on Friday nights, Saturdays, and even Sundays. I'm so used to depending on people's attaboys and encouragements at work, and by Sunday, I'm in partial withdrawal.

When I was in my previous position with this present company, I'd take a day off work regularly. I note this since I began seeing myself as un-dependent on everyone else, and it moved me towards home businesses. Not needing people emotionally is and was my biggest draw to work from home. Money's never been a major emotional reason for me, but being independent, competent, and confident is gold in any business endeavor, whether one's an employee or a business owner. And it was and is emotionally attractive to me.

Another AM6 motivation is to change me into a confident man. I wrote and deleted my post just prior to this since I spit out and swam in self doubt. I whined, pined, and hoped someone would give me balls to move forward.

How can I model this to my daughter?
How might I ever have the nads to approach a beautiful woman, much less a wife-to-be in the future? I scream "needy".
I have no regular guy friends who I can ask for guy advice and encouragement. I don't see myself as an "equal" presently. I give off "needy" vibes.

I know it's only 5G, nor does it have FRM. But gold is gold, whether shiny and prepared, or dirty and rough. Gold is gold.

[Zane]

You should first complete 3 months of USLM then u can jump on AM6. I think that will be much better decision.

[findingme]

I do know that. Jumping wasn't an agenda for me.

I've used other subs for lesser times, jumped, and not felt good about myself. I'll be finishing 3 months of USLM

[findingme]

I did something good for myself. I just texted my mom, telling her today was not a good day for me to come over. I apologized.

What really happened is doing laundry at her place is the only thing I need to do today. And it's after 1PM. I've avoided getting ready since 8AM. I was walking in my small place, and realized I had to shelve every good feeling to be around her, as sadness, hopelessness, self-pity, and fear dominate when I visit often. *** Truthfully, I avoid my truth when around her, and I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!. I've lied to myself for years, never knowing why, and it was me surviving her since she avoids truth herself.

I am responsible now. I have no intention of caretaking another capable adult today! Booyah!

[findingme]

This is a really a game.

AM6 was 120 last night.
It was 385 this morning.
It dropped to 250 an hour ago.

I had to use my 2nd Paypal account (personal account) which I have used maybe 5 times over the years. I had an old prepaid card, and went and put money on it to cover the cost of AM6.

Got home. It's now 440. Stinker!

I'll keep my eyes on it still.

[Zane]

This is a really a game.

AM6 was 120 last night.
It was 385 this morning.
It dropped to 250 an hour ago.

I had to use my 2nd Paypal account (personal account) which I have used maybe 5 times over the years. I had an old prepaid card, and went and put money on it to cover the cost of AM6.

Got home. It's now 440. Stinker!

I'll keep my eyes on it still.

Shannon mentioned It was $55 few hours ago.

[findingme]

I saw BASE introduced at that price before going to 270, but I never saw AM at 55 myself.

Looks like they took the afternoon off. I checked regularly on my phone while out doing laundry, but it's been parked at 440 a good part of this day.

[Shannon]

Today is supposed to be my day off. In order to have this sale be a ridiculous sale, someone has to manually change the prices. Ben is on Australian time, and has things otherwise to do also. So we have been trying to take turns and change prices.

[findingme]

Thank you Shannon. I'm in no mad hurry or need. I kind of picked up that this sale is a fun game, seeing as AM6 is down, up, down, up........... From where I stand, it requires me to play by paying attention, which are the rules in any game.

Days ago you spoke to someone about gratitude in your journal, and when I become uptight about missing an opportunity, it's only because I forget what I have or what I've experienced. To be able to change my thought life passively, via listening to subliminals, is a special gift. Very few have knowledge about, or belief in, the power of subliminals. And to be able to HEAL myself so passively.......I don't have words for that. I've focused a major part of my life on "fixing me". Tons of meetings, counseling and therapy sessions, and books. Actual results? Not much--at all. And why? I sabotaged myself regularly over the years, creating fears about any imagined healings. I went in circles, hoping noone would notice me.

Thank you for putting in so much effort in your creations. For now I have such first world problems such as "should I get this sub, or this sub? If I do this one, I'll miss X........." I get scrunch-faced, and then I remember: I've made more progress in 2 years than I EVER did elsewhere.

Which makes me ask you an experience question: should I pick up and use AM6, or would you recommend LTU 5.5? And my real wondering is....why do you say this?

I've looked at AM6 mainly for confidence and self-belief, something I've had little of. LTU will have loads of healing plus social awareness factors, and having good friends would be a real plus in my life.

May I ask your suggestion, and why?

And thank you for giving so much of yourself here. I see it.

[Shannon]

Which makes me ask you an experience question: should I pick up and use AM6, or would you recommend LTU 5.5? And my real wondering is....why do you say this?

I've looked at AM6 mainly for confidence and self-belief, something I've had little of. LTU will have loads of healing plus social awareness factors, and having good friends would be a real plus in my life.

May I ask your suggestion, and why?

And thank you for giving so much of yourself here. I see it.

Thank you for appreciating my efforts.

In your case, I would jump on LTU 5.5G hands down. For what you seem to need, it is by far a better choice than AM6. The design goal of LTU is to deal with many areas that are sticking points for people, all at once. Fear removal alone makes it the choice, but it also has all the other things that will be in it, including E3, another huge one for you.

You will be much more successful in your efforts if you do 3 to 6 months of LTU and then AM6 or whatever is out by then.

[findingme]

Wow! I just picked up AM6 for $90 . Thanks for offering this sale!

Have you decided what will be in LTU yet? You said you weren't sure how everything would fit months back when you listed possibilities in your journal.

Edit: I'm taking your advice for LTU 5.5 before doing AM6. Thanks for the specific response.