USLM V3 Journal

[Zane]

Its good to see that you are making progress on USLM my friend. Keep going.

[mat422]

Nothing too deep man. I've learned if you go looking for stuff you'll find it, even if it's not there. The mind is a minefield sometimes. Sometimes it's better to stop looking inward so much and move forward instead. It is a balance though. You can't outright deny troubling emotions, everyone deserves to be heard and validated. It's all about what you do with those emotions after allowing yourself to feel them.

When I said I saw doubt I meant the familiar "Can I really do this? This fear seems much bigger, more powerful, more influential than me", stuff like that. I've learned fear is like those puffer fish. When antagonized it makes itself bigger in an attempt to prevent you from pressing on. But it's an illusion, it's never as hard or scary as your imagination interprets it to be.

I think it might have just been you going on the break to be honest. I've had these strong doubts on mine as well. The fear gets a little more wiggle room to try to influence you. But the good news is it's only two days and then you're back on track.

[findingme]

Yeah, Mat, those fears really speak up at times. Knowing it'll become less and less is encouraging.

I'm seeking to do some things differently this weekend, while noticing me fighting it some, out of fear. However, this is nothing new, so panic is not on the table. The FRM is picking at things one day at a time.

Here was something different. I talked on the phone with my ex for over an hour this morning. She requested child support early, and I'm able to do so, so I'd begun the interaction. Throughout our convo, she said one thing which makes me feel good. We were talking about cooking, and she made a clear comment. She'd been married before we got together, and the ex's mom she'd bonded with well, teaching her some recipes she still uses. She said if she could have her way, she'd still be married to me, but have his mother.

Lots of thoughts and feelings there. .......... It's not a "problem" at all. I want, and am afraid.
It also makes me think of a quote from "Taxi Driver Wisdom". It was something like this:

"Men don't choose to marry the person they love. They marry the person who loves them".

It just feels true. I am open to different thoughts on this, and encourage it. This book I've had since our honeymoon, and some things make me think. I'd not agreed fully with that thought many times, but after our discussion this morning, I feel differently.

Maybe I'm just.....normal

[findingme]

Something happened today which is important to me. I cooked what I wanted, and even played with the recipe, putting in a bit of Worchestershire Sauce.. It keeps me going back for more.

It's a very heavy (fatty) dish, but I love it. I'm a skinny guy (only 145 lbs), so I'm really enjoying it. It was a dish I was told about 3 years ago, and ever since I began making it, it's been very popular during holidays. This is the first time I've made it for myself. I might add some bacon next time........and still seeking ideas. A coworker is bringing some Sunday dinner for me tomorrow, and I'll pay attention to his own dish. He makes some GREAT food!

I did this for me. I'm taking care of me today.

Written by a guy who's told daily by others "you need to EAT!!"

[Shannon]

After my mother died, I spent 2 years living alone because I was healing, learning how to take care of myself fully and could not get women to look twice at me to save my life - probably because I was still healing.

Anyway, during that time, I taught myself how to cook, and as part pf taking care of myself, I would make delicious meals every night.

One of the things I invented was "Shannon style mashed potatoes", which a friend of mine shortened to "Shannonatoes" as a joke. I make them to be as delicious as possible, and they're like $25 a batch to make because they use a lot of different ingredients. I was reminded of this when I read the above post, because it hit home, and because "Bacon! I can make them even better by adding bacon!!!"

Now they'll cost $30+ a batch. Thanks, guy.

[findingme]

Thanks Shannon. I'm touched by your willingness to share this with me. I didn't think I was still healing, but me talking to my ex today, with the resulting confusion, well....I'm not sure what it is. I'm unwilling or unable to put any controls on it. I did feel sad, scared, and hopeful, all at different times. Plus shame at feeling I'm alone. Thanks for the reply.

And yeah, this meal was not a normal meal. This one dish cost maybe $15, and it still hasn't had any bacon yet. It'll be a $20-$25 dish then. I'm wondering what you put in the mashed potatoes.

Putting emotional growth alongside good meals, I've been eyeing the very things which always cost more: good oil and cheeses, good spices, butter.....all things I've avoided these last few years.

I'm listening to USLM hybrid right now, and am feeling old relational feelings tied to my ex. Fear keeps peeking out.

Thank you for helping me feel not alone.

[Shannon]

Shannonatoes use Yukon gold potatoes, six cheese Italian shreds, fresh minced garlic, Lowery's seasoned salt, butter, heavy cream, and I can't remember the rest. (And now baked Smithfield bacon crumbled, damn you! ) It's been a couple years since I made them. Last time I made them, I kind of stole the show a little too hard when I was contributing to a family dinner for my girlfriend-at-the-time's family, making everyone rave about them and leaving the woman who usually made mashed potatoes upset. Normally, that would be "whatever", but this woman was the wife of my girlfriend's billionaire brother, and I'd like to keep her and him on good terms, because they may be important connections for me when I am wealthy.

The secret in making Shannonatoes isn't just in knowing what to use, it's in knowing how much to use and exactly when to add it. That is for you to figure out. But if you're like me, you'll let your taste buds do the walking and figure it out right quick.

Enjoy the process of discovering and eating whatever your taste buds lead you to!

[findingme]

I need some feedback on my behavior.

Shannon spoke about healing, and I felt safe enough to look at my life presently. I am sad right now, and wishing to know if I'm doing the right thing. I'm not sure if this is normal, or if I am causing myself more pain.

With my mom, I've purposely avoided her this week and weekend. While having Thanksgiving dinner with her, my brother, and his girlfriend, my mom made a comment which was not accurate, and it was pointed. She said (trying to keep me away from my brother's gf) "he's someone who'll never change. He's been like that for 20 years, and he'll never change". It was mean and hurtful, and it reminded me of when I introduced my mom to my last gf (now my ex-wife). I don't remember the exchange, but my ex does still, knowing my mom is not a nice person. She knows she's mean and trying to keep her sons to herself.

I realized days ago I'd be ashamed to introduce a gf to my mom in the future. It's also why I've had no desire to see her lately. She's still nursing bitterness from my niece's death, trying to control anything she can, bitterly.

And......I am being honest here, thinking I was mad at other females too. I thought I was mad at my ex. And even my daughter. No.

I am mad at my mom who hurts people and takes little responsibility for it. I was generalizing it to all other females for a while

On that note, I have not communicated anything about this to her. The truth is I don't wish to expose myself to her since she is relationally destructive and dishonest. I even wrote a letter to her while on E2 (though I typed it), but it still sits 10 feet away from me. I said I'd send it, but was afraid to.

Why am I afraid? I imagine she'll abandon me again, like when I was young. I needed her emotionally, and she could not and would not give of herself. Which is how all of us treat her now: she just doesn't want to be affected by people emotionally in her life. Which demands very short trips to see her. She just doesn't want to be vulnerable at all.

I am listening to USLM right now, but I began this post feeling sad, scared, and guilty for staying away from her. Why did I feel this way? Simply put, children think black and white, on and off, yes and no. My feelings have desired to "never" see her again. But.......USLM is working. It's not all or nothing. It's just not now.

Something I will mention, in regards to E3, is a desire to have some closure on issues or topics in relationships. One thing that is BIG in dysfunctional relationships is not communicating one's needs to the person in conflict---and from what I know--it's primarily a fear that they'll leave us. I've not lived with my mom for 26 years. But the unfinished business, the unasked questions, the lack of courage on my part, has caused me decades of suffering. (I had not planned this) but maybe that's the assertiveness I've spoken about. Dealing with issues between us I've needed to address, so healing inside me can happen. So I can be a man around my mom, not a boy.

I do ask this of you Shannon, if it's possible. Thank you for helping me open this up.

[findingme]

Shannonatoes use Yukon gold potatoes, six cheese Italian shreds, fresh minced garlic, Lowery's seasoned salt, butter, heavy cream, and I can't remember the rest. (And now baked Smithfield bacon crumbled, damn you! ) It's been a couple years since I made them. Last time I made them, I kind of stole the show a little too hard when I was contributing to a family dinner for my girlfriend-at-the-time's family, making everyone rave about them and leaving the woman who usually made mashed potatoes upset. Normally, that would be "whatever", but this woman was the wife of my girlfriend's billionaire brother, and I'd like to keep her and him on good terms, because they may be important connections for me when I am wealthy.

The secret in making Shannonatoes isn't just in knowing what to use, it's in knowing how much to use and exactly when to add it. That is for you to figure out. But if you're like me, you'll let your taste buds do the walking and figure it out right quick.

Enjoy the process of discovering and eating whatever your taste buds lead you to!

Damn.......that sounds GOOD........Thank you! I'm full right now, but were it earlier, I might have gone shopping!

[Shannon]

I need some feedback on my behavior.

Shannon spoke about healing, and I felt safe enough to look at my life presently. I am sad right now, and wishing to know if I'm doing the right thing. I'm not sure if this is normal, or if I am causing myself more pain.

With my mom, I've purposely avoided her this week and weekend. While having Thanksgiving dinner with her, my brother, and his girlfriend, my mom made a comment which was not accurate, and it was pointed. She said (trying to keep me away from my brother's gf) "he's someone who'll never change. He's been like that for 20 years, and he'll never change". It was mean and hurtful, and it reminded me of when I introduced my mom to my last gf (now my ex-wife). I don't remember the exchange, but my ex does still, knowing my mom is not a nice person. She knows she's mean and trying to keep her sons to herself.

I realized days ago I'd be ashamed to introduce a gf to my mom in the future. It's also why I've had no desire to see her lately. She's still nursing bitterness from my niece's death, trying to control anything she can, bitterly.

And......I am being honest here, thinking I was mad at other females too. I thought I was mad at my ex. And even my daughter. No.

I am mad at my mom who hurts people and takes little responsibility for it. I was generalizing it to all other females for a while

On that note, I have not communicated anything about this to her. The truth is I don't wish to expose myself to her since she is relationally destructive and dishonest. I even wrote a letter to her while on E2 (though I typed it), but it still sits 10 feet away from me. I said I'd send it, but was afraid to.

Why am I afraid? I imagine she'll abandon me again, like when I was young. I needed her emotionally, and she could not and would not give of herself. Which is how all of us treat her now: she just doesn't want to be affected by people emotionally in her life. Which demands very short trips to see her. She just doesn't want to be vulnerable at all.

I am listening to USLM right now, but I began this post feeling sad, scared, and guilty for staying away from her. Why did I feel this way? Simply put, children think black and white, on and off, yes and no. My feelings have desired to "never" see her again. But.......USLM is working. It's not all or nothing. It's just not now.

Something I will mention, in regards to E3, is a desire to have some closure on issues or topics in relationships. One thing that is BIG in dysfunctional relationships is not communicating one's needs to the person in conflict---and from what I know--it's primarily a fear that they'll leave us. I've not lived with my mom for 26 years. But the unfinished business, the unasked questions, the lack of courage on my part, has caused me decades of suffering. (I had not planned this) but maybe that's the assertiveness I've spoken about. Dealing with issues between us I've needed to address, so healing inside me can happen. So I can be a man around my mom, not a boy.

I do ask this of you Shannon, if it's possible. Thank you for helping me open this up.

Ask yourself this.

If your mother abandoned you earlier in life, and she hasn't changed... did she ever not? Are you afraid of losing something you never actually had? Hmmm.

You can't change her, and expecting her to change is folly. So change what and who you can: yourself and your circumstances.

It sounds to me like your fears are based on a false premise, because

A) it sounds like she never was what you are trying not to lose, and
B) you can provide for yourself in any and all ways you are trying to be provided for by her.

[Shannon]

[quote='Shannon' pid='211336' dateline='1543789995']
Shannonatoes use Yukon gold potatoes, six cheese Italian shreds, fresh minced garlic, Lowery's seasoned salt, butter, heavy cream, and I can't remember the rest. (And now baked Smithfield bacon crumbled, damn you! ) It's been a couple years since I made them. Last time I made them, I kind of stole the show a little too hard when I was contributing to a family dinner for my girlfriend-at-the-time's family, making everyone rave about them and leaving the woman who usually made mashed potatoes upset. Normally, that would be "whatever", but this woman was the wife of my girlfriend's billionaire brother, and I'd like to keep her and him on good terms, because they may be important connections for me when I am wealthy.

The secret in making Shannonatoes isn't just in knowing what to use, it's in knowing how much to use and exactly when to add it. That is for you to figure out. But if you're like me, you'll let your taste buds do the walking and figure it out right quick.

Enjoy the process of discovering and eating whatever your taste buds lead you to!
[/quo

Damn.......that sounds GOOD........Thank you! I'm full right now, but were it earlier, I might have gone shopping!

Remember, if it's not at least $25, it's not Shannonatoes!

[findingme]

Ask yourself this.

If your mother abandoned you earlier in life, and she hasn't changed... did she ever not? Are you afraid of losing something you never actually had? Hmmm.

You can't change her, and expecting her to change is folly. So change what and who you can: yourself and your circumstances.

It sounds to me like your fears are based on a false premise, because

A) it sounds like she never was what you are trying not to lose, and
B) you can provide for yourself in any and all ways you are trying to be provided for by her.

I'm grateful I was on E2 recently, as I remembered what I believe came from Overcome the Victim Mentality, which is in E2. Looking over the script, it pulls me away from victim thinking, but the latter part instructs me to take responsibility for my own life. I remember feeling empowered and motivated to make my own choices, to choose for myself what I wanted to do. With that training, I was motivated each day to look for things and experiences which I really wanted to do.

This was different than how I'd thought and behaved before, seeking other's permission and approval all the time.

I'm not wishing to keep that mentality. I know it well, and I look forward to E3 (or LTU) to live a different life. For yes, my mother never really gave me what I sought.

[findingme]

I'm slowly becoming aware of my fear-based lies. I'm seeing my fronts today.

Much of it is here, as I think more when I write, and I even imagine writing stuff while I'm at work. I share here more than in real life. My fear is all "who I am is not competent, worthy, or likable enough". I've seen Mat422 write a lot about that too.

I'll share something I've been thinking about today. I watched another Simon Sinek YT video yesterday, and in this video, he spoke of the "why?" of doing business. He said everyone knows the "how", and most make all their noise about their "how". He compared Apple to them, since from the start they never promoted any "how". They only promoted a "why" they do what they do.

Well, personally, it hits me since I've had no "why" in my home business. Thus, I've had little motivation to go forward. I'm "scared" to find my why. Why? I might find a reason to succeed, and therefore have nowhere to hide.....and be irresponsible. So, my fear is if I succeed, I'll lose my last chance of being irresponsible. Or immature. So far in my life, the funnest times in my life were when I was acting like a kid, and often, with kids. That's why I absolutely treasured my daughter's younger years. It's also why I remained a substitute teacher for 10 years, when I had done over 75% of my certification classes to become a full-time teacher. My "playground" changed from day to day, and I didn't have to take on teacher responsibilities. I loved being around children, young or old, plus being able to be a kid myself (undercover, of course)

Going back to my introduction to this post, I imagined putting on some front, sounding good, but being totally afraid of (being responsible myself).......I thought if I talked fast enough, you wouldn't see or smell my BS. .......and that's what I've hid behind, but have been afraid of being caught. So, out of fear of being known as a liar, I've hid, avoided a problem, and often created new ones. Lying breeds nothing but fear, for me. It's also been the easiest tool to go to for many years.

I'm not helpless. However, it seems the opposite of being helpless is........being responsible (headsmack!)

Damn. Shannon, I found a *********** root.

I'm listening to USLM and have been while writing.

[findingme]

I imagined Shannon saying "WHY are you afraid of being responsible? Keep digging"

I was the youngest of 3 boys, raised without a father, by an alcoholic mom. A codependent momma who taught us all she had.

I miss being "taken care of" by my brothers. I miss my brothers, or at least what I knew of them then. Life was not a challenge for me, except around Mom. I turned to my brothers for everything, and my mom for nothing. I miss being accepted as I was, which was playful, scared of being wrong/bad, and vulnerable. I did fear growing up since I see, in my head, one brother being hard on himself for goofing off, and he was punishing himself, showing a lot of anger at himself. I thought "I don't want to do THAT", but have never been taught how one takes on responsibility. I remember shaming myself when I got married, thinking one had to utterly hate themselves to grow up. Adulthood seems (seemed) like a miserable place to be. WhyTF would I want to do that?!!

That's as honest as I can be right now. I feel young now too.