USLM V3 Journal

[findingme]

I've been on USLM3 for 3 days now, and I finally had my first dream on it.

I was home alone in a former rental me and my wife were living in. She might of been at work. I walked in a room, and a man taller than me was looking at me. I saw he had eyes/had no eyes, as just skin coverings showed, back and forth. It made no sense. My survival thoughts were " fight? run? comply?" I stayed, scared to resist him. I realized he was a burglar, but I kept eye contact, to communicate I wasn't a threat. I never raised my voice or challenged him in any way, and I wasn't owned by terror doing this. I stayed in his vicinity since this was our place, and I knew he had no right to be there. To disguise the tension, I asked him if I knew him, me wondering if he'd worked for the company I work for now. This made him leave. His car was even right in the driveway.

This is very similar to how I handle fear of others now.

My main goal on USLM, which came up days ago, is to not be controlled by fear. I'll be more specific as I identify the sources.

[findingme]

Just noting some things since starting USLM3:

• I've been more conscious of my dress and image
  

• I've felt MUCH less fear of taking responsibility at work and also at home
  

• I've noticed my posture and attitude is more positive and intentional.
  

• Instead of feeling fear when looking people in the eyes, I've felt motivated to do this. Old irrational fears always had me looking away before. I did no planning or preparing to look at people in the eyes.
  

• I'm thinking a lot of one business I learned of 2 weeks ago. I feel a mix of "why not?" and motivation. It's also 95% passive.
  

• I followed one guy's suggestion today to end my workday 30 minutes before I was scheduled to leave. When asked why by my shocked coworker, I repeated the very line he had hit me with weeks earlier. He's a military historian, and one day he corrected me with "Hitler lost the war since he didn't listen to his generals". At that time, I was leading a group of 4 or 5 (fearfully), and I was making quick, ineffective decisions, making it harder for everyone. I'm no advocate of Hitler in any way, but my coworker's wisdom makes sense every time I think of it, for it told me I wasn't hearing others around me. I listened and followed the suggestion today.
  

• Having dreams related to actual fears tell me the FRM is hitting on major issues in my life.
  

[mat422]

Nice man. Glad to see USLM3 is doing some good for you

[findingme]

I'll share something that's going on in my life. It sucks, but I'm not all enmeshed and attached to the end result.

Last Monday, my niece killed herself. She was on bipolar meds for years, had been in a bad spot for 2 solid days, and finished it with her boyfriend's gun, him even calling the cops before it happened, hoping he'd change her mind. She was only 23, and was slowly breaking away from old patterns. She was heading into her 3rd year of college, having moved recently out of my mother's apartment, her home. (My sister gave up her rights when she was 17). I was never very close to my niece, mainly since she kept almost everything inside, her survival strategy while living with my mom. She was a brilliantly creative introvert.

While trying to sort out burial details, an ugly battle began between my mom and my sister, me wanting no part in pointless pain-making. My mom began grabbing to anything of my niece's since .....fear, fear, and more fear prompted her. My sister fought back, claiming parental legal rights, which I learned she still has.

Fortunately, I have had an excellent intercessor: my ex-wife. My ex was completely stunned when I told her of the suicide, for she's been in regular touch with my niece for years. She'd texted with my niece the day before this happened. My ex contacted my sister, whom she's made peace with in recent years. She found out my sister is trying to make peace with herself by giving back to her daughter something when she'd felt like a failure for so many years. She's attempting a casual memorial gathering, while my mom has insisted on a very rule-oriented, structured memorial (on the Rule 4 end).

It feels like such a cluster****. 2 adults fighting like children. More division and fighting. Uggggg......


I've not involved myself. I've listened to my mom, and I played ignorant to her today, saying I knew nothing, when I know my sister's setting up a memorial herself.

Some hope in this involves my daughter, who attempted suicide a month back herself, mostly from hanging with a very bad crowd. She's seeing the outcome of my niece's suicide, and is seeing all the pain it actually caused. My ex said that it REALLY affected her.

I'll get to see my daughter this weekend since they're coming for the memorial. I thought of this today while at work, and I began getting mad. I realized........I might have lost my daughter. I imagined blowing up at her, yet remembered doing this my last time I saw her. I took some self-inventory, wondering why I was angry. I then did some Rule 4 stuff, seeking help to not damage our relationship in any way. I don't want another cluster****. I want better. Fear and anger feed off each other, causing more and more of it. **** fear.

I am very grateful to have the FRM in USLM. I'm not all in my emotions, yet I feel them. And I'm not owned by them. Thank you for creating the FRM Shannon.

[findingme]

Nice man. Glad to see USLM3 is doing some good for you

Thank you Matt. Your words in my E2 thread have stuck with me: you haven't been "swallowed" by your emotions while on USLM. Those words gave me courage. I'm feeling it now on USLM myself. Thank you

[Shannon]

I am so sorry to hear about your niece. I've talked more than my fair share of people out of suicide and had some do it anyway. I know how that feels. And then to have your mother and sister fighting over it is even worse. I hope you find peace, my friend, and maybe your daughter will understand a little better after this...

[findingme]

Thank you Shannon. I truly appreciate your support...... As I re-read my post about it, I'm beginning to feel it now. I got choked up and spilled tears.

Broken is their "normal". And......I love them. Fear is what keeps people locked up in "broken". I lived there myself a very long time, and I'm still learning to walk away from broken, every single day. I've not even contacted my sister yet knowing the bitterness I've heard about recently. I'm unsure how or if I'll do so. Sounds very bad, very cold. I've remembered old emotional "slaps", and have not called or texted, me expecting more ugliness. I might on a whim. Most likely I'll do it without much thinking about it beforehand.

I'll let it go, sleep on it, and see what happens tomorrow.

[Broski]

Im so sorry for your loss man. My prayers are with you and your family and I wish you nothing but the best going forward

[findingme]

Thank you Broski. It's much appreciated.

[findingme]

I got to see my daughter tonight She was visiting friends in the park down my street, and knocked on my door. I knew it was her as soon as she knocked. She only stayed 3 minutes, then left with her friend who came with her.

My ex then called me saying she still needed to come by to arrange our plans for T-Day. Minutes later, she texted since they were outside. It was fun, as they were sharing stories and situations of late with me outside my daughter's car window, them both in their seats. Lots of laughing. Lots. My daughter was playing with her car window, and I played Quasimodo, seeking not to be left outside the tower (Hunchback of Notre Dame). Even her rottweiler, a 90 pounder in the backseat, never even barked, and both thought she would.

What was good also was my daughter asked me to rub her neck, for she'd been tense and sought me to rub it out. She said I have "magic hands". I'll see her 930 on Thursday morning now. It was great to see her. Special moments

[findingme]

Regarding USLM, I turned it on 20 minutes ago. I'd played it yesterday mid-day, but sleeping with it running seems to stick with me more. That's my plan.

I signed up with a newer online business I've been aware of for 2 weeks. I emailed my business sponsor, he asked when I could talk, and I replied I was available up to 8PM. He called, answered my questions, and I signed up an hour ago. I noticed something different this time. I realized this guy's been doing this kind of work for over a dozen years, and has heard every excuse under the sun. I realized I actually wanted to have some of HIS courage, and I even admitted that, knowing it was false motivation. He used a word a number of times to explain how one becomes successful: momentum. One can start at a comfortable pace, but one's momentum is what keeps them going. So I did my first steps, even noticing fear along the way. Which is also my main motivation to listen to USLM tonight. I want to go forward, not backward.

[findingme]

Straight to the point.

I've lived like a young boy a lot these last 10 years. If anyone I knew (or feared) said "do this", I did it. I did almost anything for attention and approval. I ended up avoiding a lot of people too, for I was embarrassed acting like this, being an adult male. But doing anything for anyone has effectively snuffed out a lot of personal ambitions; I traded me liking me for you liking me, me stuck in fear.

But USLM is changing something in me, I realize I've fought it, and I think I'm on the right road.

I reacted to my coworker today who was being a d*** to me. I told him off, he reacted like a street bully asking people around him to verify his (a**hole-ness), and they remained quiet. He's acted like this coming from a Brooklyn childhood, but.....I really couldn't GAF where he came from.

This was our only tense moment all day. I didn't seek his attention or approval all day, and I thought it good. I wasn't carrying a grudge. I knew something felt right in me since I'd stood up for myself. A similar disagreement happened two days ago, silence followed, but it'd passed by afternoon. And today, we resumed talking in the afternoon without any reference to this morning. Not a "normal" thing, in my experience, as I'd keep a distance years ago just to "show them" I had power. Fantasy thinking. Yes. And I see it now!

This has been my most prolific change in how I've handled people differently lately. It's not all or nothing. It's just what I needed to do. Sounds very simple, and I'm proud of this simple act. I'll even admit I've not had crystal clear, precise goals on USLM except to have self sufficiency, both emotionally and financially. Fear has hidden my goals and desires for years. That sounds whiny, and I'll leave it. I've realized I'm on a cliff of change, and I'm getting closer to jumping into more unknowns--a lot, in fact. I'm still looking down, seeking some old securities---and wow! Something is in me emotionally. I'm running USLM right now on hybrid (I normally run ultrasonic), and a subtle excitement is building. It's growing. And it's more powerful than years of past baggage. I can win this!
__________________________________________________________________________

I'll admit I had thoughts of posting 4 hours ago, when I got home. I even began and deleted it, for I had fears of expressing myself since I realized I tailor my message sometimes, and it ends up being clear--but not altogether honest. Like, it sounds cool, but I'd leave it so people wouldn't really know what I felt or who I was. I'm posting now since I'd read pieces of other's journals just now, and my submissive side began putting on a "I can do that! Yes sir!" mentality. So I came to share what I'm really dealing with.

This was easy to write

[Benjamin]

Very cool, it's good to see the growth from FRM.

[findingme]

I'm on my 2nd day of my break. I was concerned this morning before seeing my daughter, not knowing how I'd be. No bombs dropped, nothing bad really. It wasn't until we parted that I went "in my head". I felt moody, seeking some isolation from the game called socializing, as I noticed subtle fears rising today, mostly since being with people in need long-term tires me out. I didn't act badly with my daughter, but I did share with her I was nervous going to my mom's today. An OCD person managing socializing? I'd tap out were I not the only one who'll be joining her for Thanksgiving.

I feel some fear. Anger comes in a close 2nd, me not liking the BS put on in my mother's house. How can I deal with this?

Be a little distant.
Steer away from her complaining about her daughter's fiasco.
Walk out of the room.

I'm just scared since I've tucked me away time and time again when she bemoans her self-inflicted chaos.

I'm seeing a pattern in my own thinking now. This is her normal. I can't live in her helpless victim mindset. I'm realizing this has been the family foundation, the message displayed anytime life disasters happen. I also realize I'm simultaneously trying to shoo my own feelings away so she won't feel abandoned. But, she is an adult who is responsible for her own emotions.

My own feelings are all I can handle. I'm heading out soon, but wished to not isolate myself in my internal clash.

And....this is my 2nd day break of USLM. I have strength for today.