Transcendental Sith Lord's OGSF 5.9G Journal

[DarthXedonias]

I've enjoyed reading your posts.  They're very reflective and make me think.

In your very first post in this thread, you shared how you felt shame or guilt about being happy, and it touched me.  I'm on E5, and happiness (so far) has not been a strong influence.  When I used E2 years back, I was in my 3rd month, and suddenly I felt quite free to be happy.  It was awesome.  I thought it was Positive Thinking, Positive Attitude which had hit me.

But recently, I think I was wrong in that assessment.  Guilt has always kept me unhappy, and I've spent a lot of my life trying to assuage it.  My happiness shift on E2 seemed much more relevant to guilt removal, because not carrying that was a MAJOR change for me. 

I've not crossed that plateau with E5 yet.  I'm only 2 months in though.  Still moving through some inner hang-ups.  

Thanks for your clear writing here at IML.  It encourages me.

Thanks, glad I'm helping out some people with writing here. 

Well, there was one thing that has come up and I'm pretty sure its not resistance. 

So I don't check the form as often as I used to but I noticed that the MHS update will be coming out soon and its going to be 5.10G. That's not why I'm talking about that now though. Basically the last week or so I have noticed that I've been improving immensely however there is still one sticking point. Basically i'm stilling having flashbacks from triggers for my PTSD. It has either gotten better or worst based on what sub I have used in the path. Along with that I feel like having used OGSF has helped me analyzing my issues a lot better. I notice when it happens its like a trigger happens and it literally feels like a short circuit happens and I get this automatic emotional response. The thing OGSF has done for me is that right after this short circuit I do recover a lot easier and try to calm myself down better. Now though I want to get rid of that and I do remember it was on MHS 5.5G that I actually got the best relief of any sub honestly. I don't know in detail why but I have some assumptions. Based on the research I have done when someone experiences trauma or has PTSD some parts of the brain are literally damaged. This is usually the neocortex and hippocampus. Basically there is lower activity and damage to the prefrontal cortex (rational decision making area) and Hippocampus (learning area). At the same time the amygdala becomes hyper active (fear center of the brain). Apparently also a lot of control is given more to the lower, instinct parts of the brain. This would definitely explain why the reaction feels automatic and I don't feel like I have control over it as much. When this type of damage is done those parts of the brain have a problem distinguishing between a threaten then and a threat now. 

I do think this is why MHS worked the best because it was working on fixing the damage done and I could better regulate myself since my regulation centers (such as the prefrontal cortex) were healing however I never did it long enough to really fix the issue or make it permanent. So since this is the next thing I need to get rid of I will be switching to that. I'm actually happy with what I did with OGFS so far as I was coming up on the 3 out of 4 months mark. However I really do want to get rid of this as I feel like this is the last thing keeping me from moving on as it were. One other thing which I want to address which OGFS made me realize, I really am a dopamine addict. As in it feels like all these years I was wasting my time getting cheap dopamine rushes instead of actually accomplishing things. I noticed this when before I basically have cut out porn but was still watching a lot of youtube and playing video games. I then cut out youtube (haven't watched it except for something to do with my studies) so that only video games was left. However I noticed one I stopped the youtube watching the porn urge came back. I realized then that my mind was so addicted to getting a certain amount of cheap rushes each day that once I stopped youtube I wanted to compensate with something else. I have now deleted all my games basically off of my PS5, stopped watching youtube and will continue with the no watching porn. 

I believe switching to the new MHS will help with this. There was one other major benefit I noticed when I ran the old MHS. I'm pretty confident that it balanced my brain chemistry. I say this because I didn't have these sudden urges to or compulsions to do certain activities and I in general felt this very good feeling. I was actually happy and joyful just being alive. It was like normal things actually interested me. I also had this body high that felt amazing. It felt like I just had power coursing through my entire body. I don't think I tried the 5.75G version but I do remember this on the 5.5G version. As a side note I noticed whenever I stopped sing MHS 5.5G and next sub I used would work very well. As I would see results almost immediately. So given all this I think my plan will be to run the MHS for 6 months (or however is recommended) and see if I can make the healing permanent so I don't have to revisit this issue. I truly believe if I can fix this and heal my brain that things will go a lot better. I might even return to OGSF afterwards or run MLS or an upgraded MLS if that is out by then. This might be my last post in this journal since the new MHS will be coming out soon. I will make another journal if I start running the new program and something worth posting comes up.