Transcendent Sith Lord's LTU 5.0 Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Well, think its time for an update and quite frankly something happened that has me quite annoyed (though I was pissed off at first).

First off not noticing much else with the sub besides the fact that I do have increased times of feeling more happy and also I want to actually do productive stuff. For example, I have to wait till I get the physical copy of my degree in the mail before I can move on with getting both that and my FBI check apostille. After I send those off it will be about a week or so before I get them back then I can look for jobs in Korea (The most likely choice at this point). I did apply to some local jobs (high paying district manager jobs) in case I want to stay here for 3 more months to earn enough to pay off my debts really quickly but I don't feel in the end I really want to do that. I just don't feel at home in this country and it doesn't mesh well with my personality at all.

Anyway, that brings me to the piece of "theater" I had to deal with today. Ugh, my mother finally cornered me for a "talk" which she had been trying do a few days ago. I had no interest because every time she wants to "talk" its really her just bitching/complaining about something and playing the victim. This is exactly what it turned into but even worst. She tried the whole guilt and shame bullshit to try to get me to stay here longer to "help her out". I'm not stupid though and I see right through what she is trying to do. She's basically trying to get me to put my life on hold and doing something that would actually make me happy (being in another country) in order to "take care" of her. Oh she didn't come out (because she knows she can't dare ask that of me) and say that but she couldn't have made it any clear. Basically saying how hard its going to be for her with the rent going up in July and how she can't really make ends me, etc.

This crap didn't work on me. A big part is that on LTU I find myself getting pissed off when I even get the hint of someone trying to manipulate me to do something. On top of that I just felt no pity for her. I'm not going to sit here and suffer with her just because she doesn't want to move out of one of the most expensive states there is. On top of that had she listened to me years ago she wouldn't be in this situation but she didn't want to listen. At the time she had gotten a substantial amount from a life insurance policy after my step father died and his retirement. I told her at the time that the money wasn't going to last and her best bet was to use the money to move to another state and straight up buy a house or cover most of the cost for it. She then wouldn't need to worry about anything at all as the retirement would be enough.

Did she listen to me? Nope, she didn't "feel" like doing that even though it was the best long term choice to make. Predictably, the money ran out a few months later (her giving money to people, paying ridiculous amounts of rent, and buying stupid crap she didn't need, etc) and then she had to get some night job that she hates. Despite her not wanting to listen and blowing off my suggestion I'm somehow suppose to feel "sorry" for her? Psh, I don't feel sorry for people who deliberately make bad decisions, even when presented with better long term ones, and then whine when they have to feel the consequences of making said bad decisions. I don't feel sorry for women who say they are strong, independent women who don't need some man but then when shit hits the fan they run to the nearest man and demand they take care of them. I don't know what it is but on LTU I have just grown to despise hypocritical and inconsistent people. More than any group they seem to piss me off the most at the moment while running this and I want nothing to do with them.

While thinking about this after it happened though I did realize something about myself that I should be proud about. Despite still feeling like I need some self development I was the only one out of a group of 3 children that is going to actually make something out of their life. This is despite the fact that I (and my brother) were treated less well than my sister by my feminist acting mother who basically showered her with stuff all the time despite her constantly messing up and getting into trouble. I'm the first one to actually graduate university. My sister only got as high as an associates degree in nursing and even with that she fucked up. She had a really well paid nursing position at one point but messed that all up by acting a fool and even got her parent rights taken from her because she literally beat her children. My brother doesn't seem to have any hope because he has just rolled over and become a "yes, Ma'am" to anything my mother says when she asks him for something despite him living alone.

Looks like I'm the only one that will be moving far, far away and basically breaking all contact because I realize how toxic this crap is. Funny thing is had I not done AM6 to start with all those years ago I doubt I would have come to this point or if I hadn't tried a lot of these 5.5G subs in between. I would probably be in the same, fearful place I was and being staying here to live miserably and only dreaming of finally moving to another country. Now, I'm actually doing it and I won't have to deal with this toxicity anymore thankfully. I also just feel like once I get over there that whether its the current or future version of DMSI I think my results will be "amazballs" as Shannon put it. I really do think my subconscious just really thinks I've had too much trauma with women over here and it would just be easier for me in another culture where there isn't as much of this toxicity in the dating culture.

Anyway, that's about it for now. Just need to get all this paper work finished and then I can start applying for jobs overseas right away. Still need to get a storage space for my stuff though and get a replacement drivers license (lost my previous one) but this shouldn't be too much of an hassle.