10-17-2017, 08:29 PM
Well I'm back and actually really enjoying life at the moment.
I can say that without a doubt that this time in my life is tied with probably that time after the E2 experiment as the best days in my life so far. I guess this need to be expounded upon and it this is going to be a long, long post so do bear with seeing as there's a lot to go over. Also I was kind of motivated to even start posting again because I PM'ed like 2 people about what was going on and one of them suggested I should start journaling again. So here I am sharing my findings yet again. Anyway, I should start with how I got to my current state. Basically I noticed a major problem with when I tried running either MLS or UD. I noticed that I would be able to run them for like 3 days (if that) but soon afterwards my subconscious would use a certain trick to get me to stop. It felt like there was this "terror" button in my head and my subconscious could at will push it when motivated enough and then I would go into this full terror mode. When I say this I am not over-exaggerating. I literally would have this sense of terror and be paralyzed with fear. Needless to say I would not be able to continue the sub, though I would try again days later only to get the same result.
I realized due to this that with more and more powerful tech being used my mind just kept on getting more and more desperate and extreme in how it would resist. Therefore after much thought I finally decided I might have to deal with "fear" itself directly. I had thought about running OF 5G a couple of times over the year but always found some excuse or reason not to do it (After the results I'm having right now I'm pretty sure this was self-sabotage). Anyway, I will fully admit now that this was an experiment though I will leave the the 2 ingredients involved unnamed seeing as I have strived a while now not to let to what I do show badly on Shannon or any of the admins here. Also, I don't want to opening promote such a thing since Shannon does not agree with such methods. With that said I will say I have found the exact combo I have been looking for all along and that I have had resounding success finally with this and OF 5G.
Anyway, its about to be almost to a week since I did the experiment and have continued to run OF 5G and I do have to say things have been life changing. There is a lot of things to mention so I will break things up to : (1) Things I noticed during the experiment, (2) Things I noticed on the first day, and (3) Things I have noticed the days following. Anyway, lets get to the things I need to mention and hope I don't forget anything.
During the Experiment: hmm its hard to say in exact words what I was experiencing at times. To be honest trying to remember a lot of it is hard though I have a theory about that. I remember during my first E2 experiment that at first I felt extreme joy, love and peace but then about 30 mins in a literally passed out on my bed with the headphones on (it was my first time using MDMA so my body had never known its effects and felt overloaded to a degree). Either way besides that i noticed obviously that I had not memory of any insights or such besides those feelings I mentioned. I noticed this time that even though I was not using that particular chemical that I didn't black out or anything but I seemed to move from one state of conscious to another as the my subconscious obeyed the script and changed things around. This might explain some of the gaps of not remembering well. I'm thinking as well that this is a trick my subconscious uses for better or for worst. Some might remember a few weeks ago I was complaining about how my subconscious seemed to be making me forget any revelations I might have that would cause real change.This was at a time when I wasn't even experimenting or using any such substances. I'm thinking that the side of me that obeys the instructions uses this to achieve the goals of the sub while another part tries this in order to derail the suggestions. I will give further proof of that in the other section. There are 2 things I remember clearly though. The first was that I clearly remember feeling my brain being restructured to deal with fear in a unique way. For those that don't remember OF 5G does have a unique phrase in it that tells the subconscious to move the dealing of fear from the "fear/instinctual centers of the brain to the intellectual/logical parts of the brain". I clearly remember this happening (more on that later). The second major thing I remember happening was I thought of "fear" once during a long pause in the session and what I felt was interesting. I felt disgust at the thought of fear. When I say disgust I mean the most disgust I have ever felt in my life. It was like the idea of fear was repulsive to me. There is no other way to describe it.
First day of the experiment: I will probably forget a couple of things because there was so much that I noticed. The first was my sense of "sight" looked different. I should add that this is hours after said chemicals are out of my system so it wasn't really that in my opinion that caused this difference in my perception of "sight". I also noticed that I felt a little bit "wobbly" on my feet when walking. After thinking about why I felt this way I came to a logical conclusion. On a side note I have found that my decision making, conclusions and intuitions have pretty much been spot on since I've gotten rid of the "fear" factor as one could call it. Anyway, as I was saying I came to the conclusion that my "Senses" had been modified and more than that, there seemed to be a "middle man" between my Senses and the rest of my brain. Before I get to that I should explain something else that will be enlightening to this.
As I said in the first section my brain did change its structure to deal with fear. One thing I noticed that first day that goes along with the senses thing is that upper left-side of my brain is highly active now. The first day it felt sore and active but the soreness has since been gone though it is still highly active now. I've gotten use to the activity so I think nothing of it really now. I only notice it if I focus on it now a days. Now before all this i distinctly remember my brain being more active in the lower right side of my brain. This is the place where the amygdala is active and it mostly controls fear. On the first day of this experiment it was totally different. The upper left side of my brain was sore and highly active and the lower right side of my brain was pretty much dormant. I found out a few days later that the upper left side of the brain is where your logical/analytical processes are. When I put this all together I came to the revelation about what was going on with my senses. Essentially the upper left side of my brain is now the middle man between my senses and the rest of my brain. This would explain the high activity in that part of my brain now since its taking on more responsibility. The reason I believe this occurred was so that fear doesn't become a problem anymore. Whatever my senses pick up that would normally cause a fear response no doesn't cause a fear response because it goes through that logical/analytical part of my brain first.
As with my senses I believe this also explained the wobbly on my feet thing. My subconscious totally re-did my nervous system, posturing, and standing, etc. Before I had a lot of fear (also anger/hatred that was born from that fear) so I believe that affect my entire body. I believe after the experiment my mind re-did all this so my muscles and everything was way more relaxed and stress free. I noticed when I , for example, clenched my fist that the muscles I used were very relaxed when I did so (along with still sensing a middle man at work when using my sense of touch). Lets see, another thing that I noticed was the intense anger, rage, and hatred I had previous has vanished. As some of you might remember I said I'm pretty sure I had Misanthropy due to all the traumatic events I had happen in my life done to me by others. Well, its completely gone now. I noticed during the first day that I might try to encounter things that would irritate/anger me but I couldn't get there. It was like I feel something inside of me trying to rev up to that type of reaction but it would just stop because there was no "fuel" to get it to that point. It made me understand that my anger and hate were fueled by fear and after the fear was taken out the other emotions just crumbled to nothing.
I did notice as well I felt weird around people and it felt like something was off around them. It wasn't til later I realized that it had to be with me not having any fear or anxiety around them. I just felt calm or happy around them. I did notice as well that people would either smile more, be happy or enjoy my presence at work. I don't know why. Also, I have this dichotomy that is interesting. I have this general feeling of love towards humanity as a whole but on a individual level don't give a crap about their opinion of me. Or to put another way i don't "fear" their opinions about me. Maybe someone can shred more light on this phenomenon. Hmm I know I'm forgetting some other stuff but I will just move on to the present for now.
Present: I have gotten use to this new state so things feel more normalized now. I have noticed now that I have gone from calm and sometimes happy sometimes of the day on the first day to now just generally full of happiness and joy now. I also feel good emotions more viscerally now and I'm not "afraid" of feeling those emotions anymore. I think before I had fallen into the trap of you must not let your emotions affect you because they could cloud your judgement therefore I numbed myself. Though the funny thing is that was born out of "fear" of letting my emotions make me make mistakes. So I traded out all those emotions only to be ruled totally by one emotion (fear) which led me to be controlled by 2 others (Anger/hatred). So glad I'm over that now. As I mentioned before hand the upper left side of my brain is now the most active and it feels completely normal to be this way now. Also, I have noticed that since I don't have anymore fear that when people try to intimidate me or get angry with me they are actually the ones that end up getting very afraid. Example of this would just yesterday when I scared my Philosophy professor. I went to turn in my test and when putting one of the papers down I accidentally hit the back of his laptop. Things happened quickly and was pretty much none-verbal so it wasn't til a few mins after this thing happened and I analyzed it that I realized "consciously" what just happened. Basically he looked up real quick and his facial twitches made it look like he was about to get angry. Only thing is as soon as we made eye contact he went dihl type look. Like we stared each other down for a good 20 seconds or so then his eyes slightly diverted down just a "bit" as if he was looking at my chin instead of my eyes. He then kind of nod his head and then I stopped staring at him and get ready to go.
I'm pretty sure I wasn't smiling during this either. I'm pretty sure my face was completely calm but my eyes were pretty intense. I was kind of in a laughing mood for some reason after I left class and it took me a while like I said to figure out what the heck just happened. Apparently what happened was my professor was about to get angry but then he saw me being non-scared and staring him down so he broke first. His fear from such a non-responsive reaction to his anger outweighed his own anger. Related to this for some reason that is related to my E2 experiment this whole "find it funny and hilarious when people try to intimidate me or get me angry" is back in full force. I know OF 5G is suppose to replace fear with "its opposite", love and wisdom. I can only think that the opposite of fear in my subconscious is funniness? I do find this likely since Charisma on command did a video about this. About how where other people would be afraid in a certain situation, high confidence/ high value people actually laugh or make light of the situation. The normal guy will get scared or afraid when the girl starts shit-testing but the above average guy just won't take her seriously because hes not "afraid" of losing her in the first place and will often make light of her pathetic attempts to lower his value.
I think that is all for now even though I don't even think that's all of it so far. I do plan on keep running this for a while longer though I do have sub plans in the near future. Basically I am either going to (1) move on to OGFS 5G (which has OF script in it so it will reinforce the OF concepts and also help me get rid of any guilt and shame, (2) Move back to 3.1 since now that Fear is dealt with I have no doubt in my mind now that I can execute 3.1, or (3) Keep running OF 5G until 3.2 comes out. If anyone has any suggestions for which option do please give your opinion. Before I forget as well, my Subliminal tolerance has been drastically lowered. I've noticed something when running OF 5G normally that points to this. If I run it for 2 hours then stop I start fully executing like 5-10 mins after I stop listening. If I run it for the at least 8 hours or so I am really tired and don't get a bloom for about 24 hours afterwards. Though I should mention that is still a improvement because before any of this my blooms happened with 3.1 about 36 hours afterwards. Therefore my taking fear out of the equation has drastically increased my suggestibility to subliminals it would seem. Apparently, less is better for me now.
Anyway, I will update when something comes up or when someone has a question. Either way this has got to be one of the best times during my life right now. Take care all!
I can say that without a doubt that this time in my life is tied with probably that time after the E2 experiment as the best days in my life so far. I guess this need to be expounded upon and it this is going to be a long, long post so do bear with seeing as there's a lot to go over. Also I was kind of motivated to even start posting again because I PM'ed like 2 people about what was going on and one of them suggested I should start journaling again. So here I am sharing my findings yet again. Anyway, I should start with how I got to my current state. Basically I noticed a major problem with when I tried running either MLS or UD. I noticed that I would be able to run them for like 3 days (if that) but soon afterwards my subconscious would use a certain trick to get me to stop. It felt like there was this "terror" button in my head and my subconscious could at will push it when motivated enough and then I would go into this full terror mode. When I say this I am not over-exaggerating. I literally would have this sense of terror and be paralyzed with fear. Needless to say I would not be able to continue the sub, though I would try again days later only to get the same result.
I realized due to this that with more and more powerful tech being used my mind just kept on getting more and more desperate and extreme in how it would resist. Therefore after much thought I finally decided I might have to deal with "fear" itself directly. I had thought about running OF 5G a couple of times over the year but always found some excuse or reason not to do it (After the results I'm having right now I'm pretty sure this was self-sabotage). Anyway, I will fully admit now that this was an experiment though I will leave the the 2 ingredients involved unnamed seeing as I have strived a while now not to let to what I do show badly on Shannon or any of the admins here. Also, I don't want to opening promote such a thing since Shannon does not agree with such methods. With that said I will say I have found the exact combo I have been looking for all along and that I have had resounding success finally with this and OF 5G.
Anyway, its about to be almost to a week since I did the experiment and have continued to run OF 5G and I do have to say things have been life changing. There is a lot of things to mention so I will break things up to : (1) Things I noticed during the experiment, (2) Things I noticed on the first day, and (3) Things I have noticed the days following. Anyway, lets get to the things I need to mention and hope I don't forget anything.
During the Experiment: hmm its hard to say in exact words what I was experiencing at times. To be honest trying to remember a lot of it is hard though I have a theory about that. I remember during my first E2 experiment that at first I felt extreme joy, love and peace but then about 30 mins in a literally passed out on my bed with the headphones on (it was my first time using MDMA so my body had never known its effects and felt overloaded to a degree). Either way besides that i noticed obviously that I had not memory of any insights or such besides those feelings I mentioned. I noticed this time that even though I was not using that particular chemical that I didn't black out or anything but I seemed to move from one state of conscious to another as the my subconscious obeyed the script and changed things around. This might explain some of the gaps of not remembering well. I'm thinking as well that this is a trick my subconscious uses for better or for worst. Some might remember a few weeks ago I was complaining about how my subconscious seemed to be making me forget any revelations I might have that would cause real change.This was at a time when I wasn't even experimenting or using any such substances. I'm thinking that the side of me that obeys the instructions uses this to achieve the goals of the sub while another part tries this in order to derail the suggestions. I will give further proof of that in the other section. There are 2 things I remember clearly though. The first was that I clearly remember feeling my brain being restructured to deal with fear in a unique way. For those that don't remember OF 5G does have a unique phrase in it that tells the subconscious to move the dealing of fear from the "fear/instinctual centers of the brain to the intellectual/logical parts of the brain". I clearly remember this happening (more on that later). The second major thing I remember happening was I thought of "fear" once during a long pause in the session and what I felt was interesting. I felt disgust at the thought of fear. When I say disgust I mean the most disgust I have ever felt in my life. It was like the idea of fear was repulsive to me. There is no other way to describe it.
First day of the experiment: I will probably forget a couple of things because there was so much that I noticed. The first was my sense of "sight" looked different. I should add that this is hours after said chemicals are out of my system so it wasn't really that in my opinion that caused this difference in my perception of "sight". I also noticed that I felt a little bit "wobbly" on my feet when walking. After thinking about why I felt this way I came to a logical conclusion. On a side note I have found that my decision making, conclusions and intuitions have pretty much been spot on since I've gotten rid of the "fear" factor as one could call it. Anyway, as I was saying I came to the conclusion that my "Senses" had been modified and more than that, there seemed to be a "middle man" between my Senses and the rest of my brain. Before I get to that I should explain something else that will be enlightening to this.
As I said in the first section my brain did change its structure to deal with fear. One thing I noticed that first day that goes along with the senses thing is that upper left-side of my brain is highly active now. The first day it felt sore and active but the soreness has since been gone though it is still highly active now. I've gotten use to the activity so I think nothing of it really now. I only notice it if I focus on it now a days. Now before all this i distinctly remember my brain being more active in the lower right side of my brain. This is the place where the amygdala is active and it mostly controls fear. On the first day of this experiment it was totally different. The upper left side of my brain was sore and highly active and the lower right side of my brain was pretty much dormant. I found out a few days later that the upper left side of the brain is where your logical/analytical processes are. When I put this all together I came to the revelation about what was going on with my senses. Essentially the upper left side of my brain is now the middle man between my senses and the rest of my brain. This would explain the high activity in that part of my brain now since its taking on more responsibility. The reason I believe this occurred was so that fear doesn't become a problem anymore. Whatever my senses pick up that would normally cause a fear response no doesn't cause a fear response because it goes through that logical/analytical part of my brain first.
As with my senses I believe this also explained the wobbly on my feet thing. My subconscious totally re-did my nervous system, posturing, and standing, etc. Before I had a lot of fear (also anger/hatred that was born from that fear) so I believe that affect my entire body. I believe after the experiment my mind re-did all this so my muscles and everything was way more relaxed and stress free. I noticed when I , for example, clenched my fist that the muscles I used were very relaxed when I did so (along with still sensing a middle man at work when using my sense of touch). Lets see, another thing that I noticed was the intense anger, rage, and hatred I had previous has vanished. As some of you might remember I said I'm pretty sure I had Misanthropy due to all the traumatic events I had happen in my life done to me by others. Well, its completely gone now. I noticed during the first day that I might try to encounter things that would irritate/anger me but I couldn't get there. It was like I feel something inside of me trying to rev up to that type of reaction but it would just stop because there was no "fuel" to get it to that point. It made me understand that my anger and hate were fueled by fear and after the fear was taken out the other emotions just crumbled to nothing.
I did notice as well I felt weird around people and it felt like something was off around them. It wasn't til later I realized that it had to be with me not having any fear or anxiety around them. I just felt calm or happy around them. I did notice as well that people would either smile more, be happy or enjoy my presence at work. I don't know why. Also, I have this dichotomy that is interesting. I have this general feeling of love towards humanity as a whole but on a individual level don't give a crap about their opinion of me. Or to put another way i don't "fear" their opinions about me. Maybe someone can shred more light on this phenomenon. Hmm I know I'm forgetting some other stuff but I will just move on to the present for now.
Present: I have gotten use to this new state so things feel more normalized now. I have noticed now that I have gone from calm and sometimes happy sometimes of the day on the first day to now just generally full of happiness and joy now. I also feel good emotions more viscerally now and I'm not "afraid" of feeling those emotions anymore. I think before I had fallen into the trap of you must not let your emotions affect you because they could cloud your judgement therefore I numbed myself. Though the funny thing is that was born out of "fear" of letting my emotions make me make mistakes. So I traded out all those emotions only to be ruled totally by one emotion (fear) which led me to be controlled by 2 others (Anger/hatred). So glad I'm over that now. As I mentioned before hand the upper left side of my brain is now the most active and it feels completely normal to be this way now. Also, I have noticed that since I don't have anymore fear that when people try to intimidate me or get angry with me they are actually the ones that end up getting very afraid. Example of this would just yesterday when I scared my Philosophy professor. I went to turn in my test and when putting one of the papers down I accidentally hit the back of his laptop. Things happened quickly and was pretty much none-verbal so it wasn't til a few mins after this thing happened and I analyzed it that I realized "consciously" what just happened. Basically he looked up real quick and his facial twitches made it look like he was about to get angry. Only thing is as soon as we made eye contact he went dihl type look. Like we stared each other down for a good 20 seconds or so then his eyes slightly diverted down just a "bit" as if he was looking at my chin instead of my eyes. He then kind of nod his head and then I stopped staring at him and get ready to go.
I'm pretty sure I wasn't smiling during this either. I'm pretty sure my face was completely calm but my eyes were pretty intense. I was kind of in a laughing mood for some reason after I left class and it took me a while like I said to figure out what the heck just happened. Apparently what happened was my professor was about to get angry but then he saw me being non-scared and staring him down so he broke first. His fear from such a non-responsive reaction to his anger outweighed his own anger. Related to this for some reason that is related to my E2 experiment this whole "find it funny and hilarious when people try to intimidate me or get me angry" is back in full force. I know OF 5G is suppose to replace fear with "its opposite", love and wisdom. I can only think that the opposite of fear in my subconscious is funniness? I do find this likely since Charisma on command did a video about this. About how where other people would be afraid in a certain situation, high confidence/ high value people actually laugh or make light of the situation. The normal guy will get scared or afraid when the girl starts shit-testing but the above average guy just won't take her seriously because hes not "afraid" of losing her in the first place and will often make light of her pathetic attempts to lower his value.
I think that is all for now even though I don't even think that's all of it so far. I do plan on keep running this for a while longer though I do have sub plans in the near future. Basically I am either going to (1) move on to OGFS 5G (which has OF script in it so it will reinforce the OF concepts and also help me get rid of any guilt and shame, (2) Move back to 3.1 since now that Fear is dealt with I have no doubt in my mind now that I can execute 3.1, or (3) Keep running OF 5G until 3.2 comes out. If anyone has any suggestions for which option do please give your opinion. Before I forget as well, my Subliminal tolerance has been drastically lowered. I've noticed something when running OF 5G normally that points to this. If I run it for 2 hours then stop I start fully executing like 5-10 mins after I stop listening. If I run it for the at least 8 hours or so I am really tired and don't get a bloom for about 24 hours afterwards. Though I should mention that is still a improvement because before any of this my blooms happened with 3.1 about 36 hours afterwards. Therefore my taking fear out of the equation has drastically increased my suggestibility to subliminals it would seem. Apparently, less is better for me now.
Anyway, I will update when something comes up or when someone has a question. Either way this has got to be one of the best times during my life right now. Take care all!
"I have no use of disciples. Let everyone be their own true follower" - Nietzsche
![[Image: 1604394-bigthumbnail.jpg]](https://cache.desktopnexus.com/thumbseg/1604/1604394-bigthumbnail.jpg)
