The saga continues: AM 6

[mat422]

In my desperation to find answers I wrote a letter to the universe or just anybody in particular. I was open about how I was feeling, the struggles I was facing, how tired I am of pretending all day every day, just a lot of personal stuff I couldn't easily talk to about anyone. I asked for help because I couldn't do it on my own. After I finished writing the letter, I looked it over. Then I got the urge to write another letter, this time focusing on exactly how I wanted my life to be. But the key point for writing this second letter was focusing on what really made me happy, not what's supposed to make me happy as dictated by society.

It was short, a lot shorter than my negative letter. And I realized everything I've been striving for these past few years isn't what I really wanted. It's just all been driven by fear. Fear of not having enough money, not being good enough, not being successful enough, etc. Even when I wanted to try to manifest a good job, it was still from the perspective of needing one and not really something I wanted.

I'm going to read that second letter every morning and every night to remind myself of what really matters in my life and hold onto that vibe as much as possible. It's far too easy to get wrapped up in all the chaos that surrounds you sometimes and to start chasing after stuff that really doesn't matter. I can't claim this is the best way to go about life and hell I'm no shining example of someone who's got it all together. But if you're going to live your life you might as well live it on your terms instead of bending to some abstract rules that seem to be put in place by society.

[mat422]

Now more than ever I realize how much time I've wasted ruminating on things instead of doing them. It's like I'd look at my situation, feel bad about it, and then basically meditate on feeling bad. Even now as I type this there's this compulsion to sink away and close myself off to the world. To give up and quit. It's gotten easier to not fall into that trap, but when I'm stressed out and my defenses are down I have a tendency to sink back into it.

My biggest mistake overall I think with this journey of self growth is wrongly assuming I need to feel good before I can get things done. It's not ideal, but even in the middle of anxiety or depression I should push myself to get things done. More than anything I want my life to run more smoothly, but until that day comes I have to keep moving forward.

It's been really hard facing myself. Not hiding behind the excuses of depression or anxiety anymore. Seeing where I gave up in my life and quit. I could lie here and say I was always trying my hardest, but the truth is I wasn't. I'd tell people I was just to get sympathy. I used to hate tough love because it shattered the illusion of where I was in life. Let me tell you something, when a person isn't ready for the truth they'll do whatever mental gymnastics they can to escape it.

This sub has me majorly stressed. It seems like I yo yo between two extremes. One is when I decide to start executing the instructions and push past the anxiety and fear. And two is when I collapse inward and convince myself that I'm pushing too hard and I wasn't ready to change yet and I need to relax. I think the second extreme is just resistance getting the better of me and I fall back. I'm trying not to do that anymore. I'm trying to increase my resilience and not give up in the face of challenges or increasing stress. That's the type of person I need to grow into, not the one that backs down from challenges and hides away.

[ffaux]

I can relate to the feelings and thought patterns you're writing about. You're not alone.

[mat422]

I can relate to the feelings and thought patterns you're writing about. You're not alone.

Just hoping when all is said and done I come out the other side a better person. I've ran AM, not this one, in the past and the amount of emotional torture I seemed to go through with little gain was incredibly hard to deal with. It's like I want to tell myself all this struggle is going to be worth it, but the truth is I don't even know what lies beyond this.

[mat422]

You know I've been thinking about this lately and I don't give myself enough credit for my achievements. I'll go a whole day at work with no anxiety and tell myself that's how normal people are supposed to function instead of acknowledging how much I've grown. I'll finish a coding exercise and instead of congratulating myself I just dwell on the fact that there are people way better than me who already have jobs. Then I'll recognize the lack of compassion for myself and decide to read a book on compassion because for some reason I need something externally telling me it's ok not to be hard on myself. That last one is the most sad humorous thing I've encountered in my life. I literally need a book to tell me it's ok to be nicer to myself. There's a problem with that.

From today onward I'm going to be nicer to myself. I'm going to do my best and if it doesn't work out I'll just figure out how to make it work without getting down on myself. This whole tough love beat myself up to achieve results hasn't been working so it's time to try something different.

[Nox]

It sounds like you need to watch more cute puppy videos and heartwarming stories. For awhile I would try to watch or read something every morning that would make me tear up to help open up the emotions more. Not the stressful anxiety ones. The loving compassionate ones. Having compassion and gratitude will just kind of nudge the anxiety and stress out the door bit by bit.

[mat422]

It sounds like you need to watch more cute puppy videos and heartwarming stories. For awhile I would try to watch or read something every morning that would make me tear up to help open up the emotions more. Not the stressful anxiety ones. The loving compassionate ones. Having compassion and gratitude will just kind of nudge the anxiety and stress out the door bit by bit.

Yeah I definitely need more of that in my life. I've been very closed off emotionally for most of my life.

[Benjamin]

cute puppy videos

Even better patting cute puppies, though I don't know anyone who I can go pat their dog. It's funny since E2 when things opened up i've been patting random dogs more.

[mat422]

What the hell. I switched over to stage 4 last night. Had a few dreams about my old home and some really sad feelings of leaving behind my past and all the good times I had in that home. I woke up this morning and I have less anxiety in general. I can't tell if stage 4 is working or if just getting off of stage 3s really bumpy journey is giving me some relief.

How was stage 4 for some of you guys?

[Frosted]

Stage 4 is when it starts pulling out of all the depressing resistance shit and it becomes more enjoyable enjoy the easier last three stages it will get better by each stage you might even notice more female attention from the SM lead in .

[mat422]

That's a relief. Stage 3 was making me feel insane. We'll see what happens with the females. The other day at work I caught a couple of women glancing at me. But I work in retail, so it's not the best place to gauge interest. Still, a few of the glances I got were a mix of curiosity/confusion sort of a deer in headlights look. Kind of funny actually.

[mat422]

Still feel myself internally resisting. I had a couple of days where I consciously attempted to reinforce being alpha and all the behavior I wanted. But it felt like I was straining to do so. I'm at a point now where I realize my growth comes at it's own pace, I can't say or do anything to hurry it along. I've always been a meticulous person, intensely aware of the small details and striving to get everything as perfect as possible. I can't help but feel that this is the same attitude I'm taking towards my own growth. But I was constantly telling myself it was bad and I'm not growing fast enough or dwelling on past issues. I think it's more likely my mind is trying to clean up everything, leave no stone unturned and do a thorough job. So when I slip back into old undesirable behavior it's more opportunity to grow, not a setback. But it's really important not to resist these negative states in favor of holding onto more idealistic representations of where I want to be. In doing so I ignore issues that still need to be worked on.

I'm going to dive into a little bit of MBTI right now because I feel like it's relevant to my own growth. Being that my dominant function is introverted feeling, that's how I process nearly everything. That's my strength when dealing with emotions. I go inward and somehow resolve emotional conflict or troubling stuff in such a way I can't describe in words. My strength isn't thinking or logic and that's ok. I can work on those things, but the bottom line is it's better to focus on my strengths instead of trying to develop some weakness thinking my strength is inherently flawed in some way. To trust myself and how I'm going to move ahead and solve these problems is the most important thing I can do.

[Kol]

Great journal man, lots of great stuff and insights. Keep on trucking.

[4Kingdoms]

I owe 8,000 dollars in student loans and while that's not too much I still hate the fact I haven't paid it off.

Pay Off: How One Millennial Eliminated Nearly $80,000 in Student Debt in Less Than Five Years
https://www.amazon.com/Pay-Off-Millennia...566&sr=1-2