The saga continues: AM 6

[Frosted]

That whole being perceived as dominant and being challenged by insecure guys is on point! I mentioned in my journal how I went to a restaurant and this juvenile boy who worked there got all amoggy cause I was feeling particularly dominant and idgaf.

Honestly I wouldn't mind being challenged all the time if I had the personality for it or if I could handle it better. Maybe it will come with time idk.

[mat422]

That whole being perceived as dominant and being challenged by insecure guys is on point! I mentioned in my journal how I went to a restaurant and this juvenile boy who worked there got all amoggy cause I was feeling particularly dominant and idgaf.

Honestly I wouldn't mind being challenged all the time if I had the personality for it or if I could handle it better. Maybe it will come with time idk.

I think for me it's all about developing that transcendent alpha mentality that Shannon talks about. If you see it as tiers it's like the lowest is when you're pushed around and taken advantage of. Then you've got the level above that where you're competing with the other alpha guys, who may be confident but are still riddled with insecurities that make them aggressive. Then above that you've got a level where you watch all this stuff play out and realize it's pointless to engage in it and you let the other guys think they're more dominant or whatever to avoid needless stress in your life.

[Frosted]

Alpha 1.0 vs alpha 2.0.

[mat422]

No words can describe how I'm feeling right now, but I'll try. I've been trying to understand how people can be happy in life. But damn it feels like I have these moments of feeling good followed by a slap in the face from reality. When I'm away from my job for about 2 days in a row my mood goes up. When I have to go back I get this awful sinking feeling in my stomach. I wonder if this happens to everyone or if it's me. It feels like the moments of happiness aren't enough. What I mean by that is it's like being constantly given these brief moments of clarity and peace and then it's torn away. It just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like how life should be.

But I don't know how to get out of it. I'm working on building up my programming skills. But to be honest I've been procrastinating a lot with it. I know part of it is because I'm not super passionate about it. In fact I've found myself being pulled consistently to working on my music and these past few weeks I've created something I'm really proud of. I can spend hours and hours on music, I can persist even when I'm hitting a wall, and out of everything in my life even when I've contemplated giving it up I've still come back to it. I just wish I could have that same focus towards programming or anything that could make me money to live on. I don't know. Maybe I need to pursue something like working in a music studio, but I can tell that fear is still there as well as self doubt about my own abilities. As well as still being stuck in that "realistic goals" mentality. You know, that mentality that everyone around you drills into your head and discourages going for anything that might not be deemed secure or guaranteed. Essentially fear.

And I just realized something. I've been a hell of a lot more positive lately. Instead of cowering into a corner when confronted with challenges and criticizing myself, I've been building myself up and trying to figure out how to get the most out of life. Still trying to figure out what that is. Especially now that I've embraced more of who I am and the fact that I need to work harder on accepting myself and not trying to change myself to fit my environment. Also screw retail jobs, I'm so done with those. Never again. Perfect example of me thinking I needed to change more to get used to working a job like that. Nope, I'll never be comfortable in a job like that because so far experience has taught me they are all toxic environments to work in.

[Frosted]

Yeah I'm with you on the whole work thing :/. I've been pondering what to do with my life cause if I spend most of my life in a negative state because of work then it's not worth it. That's why I want to become an entrepreneur and eventually start leading a more stress free work life. I don't yet know what I want to do though.

Edit: just finished the rest of your post. Yep, I resonate with the retail thing as well. I even used the word toxic as well when talking to my mom about my past jobs. All either customer service or restaurant biz and I can tell you it's not for me. All that pressure and dealing with people's shit! I would prefer something much more isolated.

[mat422]

Yeah I'm with you on the whole work thing :/. I've been pondering what to do with my life cause if I spend most of my life in a negative state because of work then it's not worth it. That's why I want to become an entrepreneur and eventually start leading a more stress free work life. I don't yet know what I want to do though.

Edit: just finished the rest of your post. Yep, I resonate with the retail thing as well. I even used the word toxic as well when talking to my mom about my past jobs. All either customer service or restaurant biz and I can tell you it's not for me. All that pressure and dealing with people's shit! I would prefer something much more isolated.

Any solid plans for how you'd go about becoming an entrepreneur? I'd probably be content a step below that doing some freelance work. Just anything where I don't have a miserable boss would be good I guess. I just hate when people in positions of authority abuse that power and make your life crap and there's nothing you can do except quit.

[Frosted]

Yeah, a lot of my bosses have been shitty. My last boss was coolish but the assistant manager felt like making everybody's day miserable and also the guy one step above my position had it out for me :S.

I don't yet know the how I just know that it's either figure it out or go back to... that *shivers*. General idea is to start something online. I've got my mom as a cushy net so I think I would be able to do it though I'd probably have to get a job while I make my plans (which sucks cause it drains my energy and stresses me out which ironically makes it harder to make a plan to get out).

[mat422]

Yeah, a lot of my bosses have been shitty. My last boss was coolish but the assistant manager felt like making everybody's day miserable and also the guy one step above my position had it out for me :S.

I don't yet know the how I just know that it's either figure it out or go back to... that *shivers*. General idea is to start something online. I've got my mom as a cushy net so I think I would be able to do it though I'd probably have to get a job while I make my plans (which sucks cause it drains my energy and stresses me out which ironically makes it harder to make a plan to get out).

Yeah it's like playing Russian roulette whenever you start a new job. Sometimes it takes a while for people to show their true colors too.

Good luck with everything. A few years back I looked up some online marketing stuff trying to figure out a way to pull in some passive income. I was in way over my head. I did notice a trend though. More people were making money telling people how to make money with online marketing than actually making money from the marketing itself. Lots of webinars that were free, but then roped you into buying some 200 dollar product. Felt like I was dealing with sharks online, decided I didn't have the personality for that kind of stuff. Plus all that energy I'd be pouring into creating some kind of business just for the sake of money. It felt like I'd be better off channeling it into something I actually wanted.

That drained feeling is the worst though. Nowadays the only thing keeping me going when I'm feeling that way is telling myself every day I don't do something to get myself away from this crap I prolong my misery. I wish I had more energy to get stuff done right now, but if I keep waiting for it to magically appear I'm not gonna get anywhere. So it sucks but it's what has to be done in order to improve my life.

[mat422]

Started stage 3 yesterday and I'm already hitting some massive resistance. Is stage 3 when the actual alpha programming kicks in? I'm thinking it is. There's a lot of shame coming up about being a powerful respected person. I want all the effects of being dominant without actually being dominant? Yeah that doesn't make any sense, my old self is fighting this tooth and nail. I can feel the program leak through at times, I catch myself with slower movements, I give off this vibe of relaxed energy like I expect everyone around me to respect me, and then I snap away from it because I feel like I'm being cocky or full of myself. Like it's bad to be this way.

In my own head it's fine to be emotionally healthy, but for some reason going one step above that and really standing out gives me a feeling of it being bad or wrong. I'm probably just overthinking this again and my comfort zone is being pushed and my subconscious doesn't like it. Coming up with reasons like I'm losing myself or becoming a jerk, anything to throw off my progress. I've ran away from too much in my life, I won't run from this it's too important to me.

[mat422]

Yup stage 3 is gonna be fun. Woke up in the middle of the night and it felt like someone had stabbed me in the gut with a screwdriver. Lots of chest pain too. Had a dream where it was about 4 years ago when I didn't have so much on my mind and enjoyed life more. I think in the back of my head I've been tied to my past and wanting to go back instead of moving forward. Last night felt like some kind of catharsis.

[mat422]

Procrastination is back. I spent close to 2 hours yesterday tweaking a kick drum for one of my tracks. I should have been job searching, I should have been learning more about coding, I should have been practicing that coding. The worst part about all of it is that tweaking that kick drum for 2 hours was more procrastination to avoid finishing my track. It's like goddamn procrastination inception. Nothing in my life feels productive at all right now.

I know all this is my fault, I'm doing this. I can't blame my subconscious or anything like that. I'm just hoping somewhere down the road this gets better. All these issues are probably flaring up because of stage 3 so I'm hoping what I'm going through is just a healing crisis.

[mat422]

I've been procrastinating too, except now I don't get panicked right before the deadline and do it real quick.

Hey at least it gets done. That's good

---

So the other day I felt it was necessary to read up on the AM6 instructions. I don't know why, I just felt like it was a good idea. It got to the part in the instructions about reading that book by John Alexander. I realized I never did that in my prior runs. So I bought it and I've been reading it and I realized some really important things about myself.

First off it was stupid of me to assume I knew what alpha was without having any real experience with it. When I saw that book in the recommendations my first thought was that it could be helpful but I was above all that. I wasn't. I had some serious insecurities surrounding that area of my life. I took the "I don't care" apathy route where on the surface I convinced myself none of it mattered but underneath it all I wanted it. Told myself I didn't care if I was dominant, but I did. Our wants, desires, they exist. It's better to acknowledge them and go after them instead of pretending we don't need them in order to make ourselves feel better. There's a difference between being a slave to what you want and actually getting it.

Anyway as I was reading this book I was really insecure. Everything this guy was talking about I didn't live as and I wrongly assumed that I didn't have to follow what he did. That I could do my own thing and get my own better results. But here I was taking a good hard objective look at myself. Did I have success with women? No. Was I a leader?. No. Did I have the mindset of being an alpha male? Hell no. I was still wrapped up in my old self somehow thinking that my way of living and being was more genuine or truthful than being alpha.

I like drawing similarities between things in my life to demonstrate points so that's what I'm gonnna do now. In music, you have theory. Theory helps you write cohesive music that sounds good. Sure you can just bang on the keys and spend hours trying to figure out something good, but it's a waste of energy and time. Theory helps you make something that sounds objectively good, not great mind you, but good to most people. It's the same thing with this alpha stuff. It's important to have a foundation to go off of for alpha behavior so you have a rough guideline. When you're more advanced you can go off and do your own thing, but in the beginning stages it's important to understand that sometimes you don't know as much as you think you do about something.

I've always been the type of guy that needs to understand the why behind something before I really get it and I feel like reading this book is helping me grow faster and get past some of the resistance I was stuck on and not realizing what it was.

[Frosted]

No, I was saying that it went from me doing the work at the last second to not even doing it period.

[mat422]

No, I was saying that it went from me doing the work at the last second to not even doing it period.

Oh yeah that's definitely a problem.