Spiral's Sex Magnet 2011 journal

[Spiral]

Damn, everything's going all weird right now. I'm having trouble letting go of some of the stupidest stuff dealing with women. I also have some anxiety coming back.. but I guess this can be expected. Man I felt angry on the ride home yet I'm ok at the same time. Right now I'm getting over it but man sometimes doing these subs can really suck.

[Spiral]

So far so good. I had a couple of weird days there but today was a nice today. Tomorrow should be better before I plummet down the rollercoaster again.

What I have noticed so far is an increase of self-worth, assurance, good increase of assertiveness, and an immense change in self-esteem although it has been very subtle through the last couple weeks and sometimes can't understand how I feel so good. Also, I thought I knew what it was like to not give a %$#@ but this continues to change every day. I love it! I'm becoming very emotionally detached... BUT I know how to feel my emotions. I'm not a zombie by any means. I have also noticed that even if I'm not haveing a good day I'm very calm and collected and detached from others and their negative feelings towards me. This in turn draws them to me. Funny how these things work, huh. Also I don't really go out of my way to socialize with someone unless We cross paths or are in the same area as each other. But I'm becoming a little more social and holy shit I was flirting with everyone today. Even the men at the office. But of course no homo. It's like flirting is really becoming internalized as a fun way to socially interact with people.

[RainbowAbyss]

woo, sounds exciting spiral, the transformation begins!

[Spiral]

Meh.. last part of resistance for stage 1 has just hit. I feel lost. Pissed off at everything. I feel like I am just missing a huge piece of me. I want to feel these emotions also but I can't.. or I just don't want to. If I could feel them fully I would cry. I feel like I've been taken advantage of.

[Spiral]

Also noticing a pattern here. When I'm having my bad days I suck at drums. When I'm having good days I'm exceptionally good. On the bad days I can't hold the rhythm consistently. for some reason that's the hardest thing to do right now.. and I'm not playing the hardest songs.. But I've been practicing these songs for months now and It's like I've taken a huge step back.

[Ryan]

Oh man, Ryan, I know you're only 5 days ahead of me but damn I've been having similar days and add a break-up on top of that. Stage 2 should hopefully be much better =) Yesterday I was so damn depressed I didn't know what to do with myself.

And I don't play drums much but I have a set in my basement (actually my dad's). I have no clue how to play drums other than just feel it. On bad days I'm the same, on good days I feel so in the moment and focused that I can literally feel what to play.

Ryan

[Benjamin]

Interesting about the drums. I found when I was training martial arts regularly. The days I was feeling really bad it just didn't flow and the days I was feeling really good and confident in general it would all flow and be a great training session.

I guess the ideal is being able to have the same level of skill despite your emotions on that day.

[Spiral]

Yes ben, I wasn't having fun playing my drums last night because I kept fucking up. I'm like "I'm not this bad.. am I?" I was definitely not my usual self.

[Patti]

Hope you're feeling better! Can you imagine how good you're gonna feel when you release and get rid of all this underlying garbage?!

[Ryan]

Hope you're feeling better! Can you imagine how good you're gonna feel when you release and get rid of all this underlying garbage?!

It is hard, it's extremely hard. I mean, for me, it's a feeling of being lost and feeling so sad but you can't describe it, it's just an underlying depression and slight loneliness feeling which scares me because I don't feel any urge to pursue or get to know any women which can cheer me up, but I shouldn't rely on that to cheer me.

[Spiral]

It's hard sometimes. Today however.. I felt compelled to start a conversation with one of my neighbors. She has a couple of small dogs she brings outside and they always just roam around. We ran into each other twice today and I just asked her about her dogs and it just came out naturally. And to my surprise my voice was deep and loud and my old beliefs tried to come out and soften my voice but I stayed strong and finished my sentances smoothly. And it was nice too because I didn't want anything from her. She calmy answered my questions and we were both pleasant with each other. It's these kind of feelings that make my day that much better.

[Spiral]

First night of Stage 2 - 8/8/2011

I guess I'll do a quick recap of stage 1.

I stopped caring so much about what people think. I thought I didn't care before starting sex magnet but now I REALLY don't care. I'm guessing this will continue to be amplified which I'm very excited for. That's the only thing very noticeable. And sometimes it's hard to pee. Other days it just flows better than others. Except for the first week or so. It was different. Probably from the parts in the script about wet dreams etc. I can feel those muscles down there being worked on. All and all it's an interesting experience so far.

I can tell as well people are more and more affected by my presence. I don't feel like I'm better than anyone but I feel like I have less baggage than everyone. Basically no bullshit. I can sense that shit now from a mile away. And I will usually call people out on it if I care enough about it or if it pretains to me specifically. That's all for now.

[Benjamin]

Hmm interesting that the muscles are being worked on. I assume it is something to do with the pc muscles to last longer in bed.

I like the sound of not caring what people think even more, I know this has improved for me with Alpha, but there is still alot of it there.

I just started Stage 6 of Alpha, I look forward to SM.

[Spiral]

3rd night of Sex Magnet. Getting slightly stressed out from some of the things that have gone on at work last couple of days. It's not easy sometimes to relax but it's mainly because of all this new material bombarding my brain.

Sex drive is very high but I have no desire for a release. It's torture haha.