Spiral's BAMM Journal

[Spiral]

So, I'm becoming more annoyed with the type of work I do. It means nothing to me and it creates nothing positive for the masses. It doesn't advocate change. I've been shifting over to giving back first before giving to myself for the last year or so. It's been a continuous road to travel and I'll keep traveling it and switching my mindset until it's natural for me to want to and actually inspire and create positive change for the world. So you can see why I wouldn't be happy with making a television show.

I'm focused on freedom for myself too. I don't care about material stuff. But, I need money to eat... have a roof over my head and travel which I think I'd like to do for a while.

I'm at a point where I don't like talking much because it doesn't accomplish anything unless it's discussing an idea. I still have bad habits though.. very bad habits that I'm consciously working on. I have so much crap I need to clear out and I'm working on being patient... so I'm trying to enjoy the process.

I have trouble doing the work I don't want to do (ie. work that means nothing to me) but I freakin' enjoy the hell out of busting my ass doing work that will benefit me and others in the future. Screw all that hubub about challenges. Stick one in front of my face and I'll conquer it. That really only includes sitting behind a computer, animating, researching and/or brainstorming. Anything having to do with my social life is sort of out the window and I am having trouble pushing through the invisible wall holding me back in that area. But since BAMM focuses on making money and not so much social life I'm ok with it.. but not really. I just don't want to keep talking because it doesn't matter.

Anyways.. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel.. but it's not bright enough nor does that mean anything right now. gotta do what I gotta do no matter what now.. with patience gratitude and confidence

[Spiral]

Just found out a good baseball player I like is having trouble with nerves in his elbow like I had.

It hits home with me and I know I could help him. It's unfortunate to think that I may never be able to. Left a comment on the article on mlb.com but not sure what other routes I need to take.

It's silly to think I can actually get a hold of him but maybe..

[Spiral]

Stage 1 hasn't been very subtle so far. I have alot of fears that I must deal with. I've discovered the main one but I have yet to move past it through experience. I've been doing alot of self awareness work lately and I'm getting a little impatient. I got so caught up in asking the question and thinking about it too much I forgot that maybe I should just calm down and do something else for a few days. So that's what I'm going to do right now.

The most interesting thing so far that I've had the ability to do is trace back certain events and see how they connected up to the most recent event of that time. Sometimes all it takes is 5 minutes to an hour.. sometimes it takes a couple of days. This hasn't really been the case the last few days since I've been anxious about finding the right answers to my questions. Like I said, I'm going to take a break from that. I'm going to focus on reviewing the tutorials on programming I have as well as read this new book I got.

[Spiral]

Alot of fear is coming up about procrastination and success. I forget sometimes about the bigger picture unfortunately. But only for a moment.

Stage 1 is bringing up alot of fears about my ability to do things to the best of my ability. I know I'm not doing things to the best of my ability.. and I'm accepting that and taking it for what it is. I feel like procrastinating all the time... but I don't because I KNOW that doesn't do anything. I suck it up and it's not so hard to do now.. and I do the responsible thing. I don't feel guilty about feeling lazy or feeling bad emotions because I know now I can just let them go instantly. I wonder what Stage 2 has in store. I have about 2 weeks left.

[RainbowAbyss]

Hey Ryu...ahh I mean Spiral
Doing the responsible thing is the sxxt.
The world teaches us responsibility is towards others expectations,
it sounds like you responsibility is towards your own aspirations.

[Spiral]

Yea. I look back at the last post and it said " I know I'm not doing things to the best of my ability.. and I'm accepting that and taking it for what it is."

It's difficult right now because I'm alway so critical of my self and my own work. I try to let go of the perfectionist mentality and just go with my creative flow. Sometimes I get impatient for new ideas as well since I sort of let them just come to me. Planning out a script and storyboard though takes some thinking. I get annoyed when I have to sit down and think a good bit for 30 minutes to an hour because it brings me back to my K-12 days. I hated school lol. But.. as I continue with BAMM I'll be enjoying myself more. That's what usually happens with using subliminals . I do work even though it may seem stressful at the time but I feel so damn good that I'm actually doing work pushing to get things done.

[Shannon]

I do work even though it may seem stressful at the time but I feel so damn good that I'm actually doing work pushing to get things done.

That is very much much the experience I have building multi-stage sets. It's what gets them built, actually.

[Spiral]

Thankfully there hasn't been an overflow of negativity in the second half of stage 1. I say this because I felt very wierd today after going to the Toast Masters meeting in my town here (which I enjoyed myself very much)... it was probably the damn double bacon chz burger I got from steak and shake. And I got next to nothing done this afternoon. I also forgot my sugar and protein shake at work.. argh! So I know there is no good or bad but the day just seemed like it was going bad. On the way home I was questioning everything I have been doing up to this point with my projects.. other projects currently in limbo (or so it seems) and just my future in general. I have received some closure though.. from my own thoughts just now.. or maybe from another source... hmm. I could have never imagined to get to where I am now. But.. it was me who got me here. I've succeeded all my life. I've been privileged.. and lucky if you want to call it that but I've always been a pretty hard worker. Sure I've taken short cuts in life and have made countless mistakes but I've always succeeded. And now I'm succeeding with subliminals. I thought I knew without a doubt that I would become successful.. but now I know. "Resistance" is futile

I also know that without a doubt everyone on this forum striving toward their vision and goals will get there. Of course, it's not enough for me to believe that.. you have to believe that. I had a very similar thought at the checkout register at Publix a few hours ago. The young lady scanning my produce was heavily made up.. slight double chin but didn't appear to be overweight. Just overall unattractive, but I caught myself before I judged too much. I was very friendly to her and walked out. I don't know what she thinks about or does but I said to myself "damn.. I feel sorry for her because I bet she's super self conscious." (I could tell by her body language and expressions) and I figured she just wants somebody to love her, inspire her and support her. By the time I got to my truck I knew that there is someone out there for her. Whether she knows it or not.. I know it. Now it's up to her to believe that and also believe in herself. What we talk about most and praise about in ourselves are actually our weaknesses; so it seems I still have some learning to do.

[Spiral]

Again this day started off feeling kind of weird.. but I feel like a little kid on a playground.

I still have battles with my ego in day to day situations but I think I'm becoming more controlled and open minded. I continue to consciously focus on improving my focus, patience and awareness of healthy breathing.

[Spiral]

My biggest fear i've been battling with is not doing what I want to do in this life time before I die. I feel impatient towards achieving success but it's not overwhelming. I'm sabotaging myself out of spare time by wasting it by going on facebook, posting on this forum, hanging out with friends at a bbq. I'm hating the work process right now. I feel very indecisive and confused and starting to feel lonely again. Depression really isn't the issue though. Maybe it's my lack of sleep over the last couple of months. I'm going to be proactive in figuring out what's wrong and why I keep waking up multiple times throughout the night.

I guess on a positive note I'm seeing improvements in my workouts. Doing more reps.. gaining more muscle. Also raising my BPI consistently with Lumosity training.

[Spiral]

So yesterday I received some clarity on one of my projects and my partner has decided to move on to other things for the time being. No biggy... nothing I cannot handle. Yesterday and today I made some progress on the project and the only reason why is because of what I kept thinking and saying to myself today. I was walking through my office absolutely disgusted. It's the same office floor, walls, doors, people I've been with for almost the last 3 years. I can either let this be it or I can continue to move forward. And I can make things happen faster. I was feeling very off all day and just didn't want to talk to anyone. almost no eye contact was made. This is very unlike me but I didn't care. Unfortunately all compassion was out the window today. I was still pleasant.. just didn't go out of my way to acknowledge anyone. It's all the same shit anyways. No growth.. no expansion.. everyone talks and says the same stuff all day everyday and I want no part in it. I am now firmly making the decision to be just a little bit more productive than I have been lately. The absolute need to get out of this place is overwhelming and the only thing I can do is move forward with patience yet very swiftly and gracefully.

[Spiral]

I've been very productive. I've been feeling needy for a companion. I know I don't have time though. I don't even have time for friends. There are days where I'm fine being with myself. There are days when I just want to quit my job. There are days when I just want to move out. I will move out though at the end of May. Some of my neighbors are just lame. Once I start making enough passive income I can break away from the system and find people I resonate with

[Spiral]

Surprisingly I almost felt like crying earlier today.

I still get nervous around small crowds of people where there is no focused attention. My neighbor had like 10 friends over and they were just kind of standing there watching me come to my door. They were all dressed in the same outfit so I pleasntly asked what's the occasion? they told me they were heading to a choir concert to perform. At this time I just froze... and I wasn't thinking about anything but going into my house. And the way they were looking at me... (all girls btw) they wanted to rip my clothes off.. sooooooo I got somewhat spooked. I could have just chillaxed and asked them to sing me a song. Either way.. I've noticed alot of self talk because of the OFSG in this subliminal... I feel pretty good some days then other days I just don't feel like expressing myself. I can if I feel I have to for a professional meeting but if it's for my own purpose... i don't go out of my way to express myself unless I'm at a super market speaking with a cashier or talking with a store clerk. I'm clouded with limiting beliefs it's sickening. I know why I almost cried to. It's a personal matter and I won't mention it here.

The indecision to take action lately is draining me.

Other than that I'm productive as hell and carving a new path as hard and cleanly as I can.

[Sean]

Spiral, it's great that you were able to engage them to ask what's up. It's a step in the right direction, and will bolster your confidence for the next time you encounter a similar situation.