Spiral's BAMM Journal

[Spiral]

I’ve decided to write a post now that I’ve gotten past the half way point on stage 4. I’ll probably be pulling an Andrew by posting only when there’s something to post about that represents my own growth and supporting evidence for the Optimus Engine and BAMM.

I just finished watching Cowboy Bebop again, which is a Japanese anime, and the last couple of episodes were very intense. There were actually a couple of quotes said that reflects how I’m starting to see things now. These quotes are the ones you’ve seen on motivational posters and in calandars; quotes by insightful authors, scientific geniuses and the greatest leaders of our world. The one quote I heard most recently was about death. It went something along the lines of this: “Death is always by our side. When we fear death it comes at us fast like a lightning bolt. But when we welcome and befriend our own death Death begins to treat us gently.” Last year I knew I had to get in touch with reality which I had been so disconnected with for years. The simple fact is nothing lasts forever. We will all die. When I thought about it it scared me. It still does. I did not know the answer to “how can I overcome that fear?” I know how now and it’s going to be a process, but I’m genuinely starting to enjoy that process.

Andrew said this in his journal: “So much has happened in the last 30 days that it blows my mind...sometimes the less we live the faster time flies by.” That’s a very good way to look at time and Death. That’s the first thing I thought of when I heard that quote from Cowboy Bebop.

Ever since I finally met Shannon and Andrew in person everything changed. That’s Optimus Engine for you. The week before I was finishing up a show another coworker didn’t meet the deadline of. Needless to say myself and my supervisor weren’t pleased and finishing this show in one week stressed me out. It was the most stressed I had been in a long time and on top of that I was trying to figure out how to build my computer. I finished the show and I built my computer. On that same night I met Shannon and Andrew and it couldn’t have been more perfect timing wise. I’ve underestimated Optimus Engine. They are both very fun people to be around and I feel like I can learn a lot from each of them. With all of us together it really felt like one big happy family. Being around other people at your level or higher in consciousness really makes things a lot of fun.

I’m becoming more confident than I ever have been and I’ve overcome procrastination. OE has given me glimpses of my future and how I will be. It keeps me going. Something I noticed today was an out of body feeling while I was driving. I know it now since I’ve had the feeling before but this time it stuck around for about 5 minutes. Actually, it was longer than that because I felt like I was gliding across the office floor before leaving. So it’s kind of funny. Am I really alive or am I just dreaming? I really see the beauty in life and it’s incredible however I’m still at the crossroads. I haven’t LET GO of NOT wanting life to be incredible which is silly.. But it’s a beautiful thing nonetheless to be moving past all the shit that’s held me down for years. Like I said I still have a lot to learn. LOL it’s all kind of funny

What does it feel like to not be afraid anymore? I am finding out