DMSI 3.2 A Day 27
Had quite the ol roller coaster ride this weekend, and not in a fun hands in air don't care kinda way...So I went over to one of my friends places who was throwing a little party this weekend. One of the girls there works with "kinky girl" ( Girl i was regularly hooking up with, butt decided to cut things off with around a month ago) She is actually who I met her through. Well at one point of the night she pulled me aside and told me some rather shocking news... "Kinky girl just told she is pregnant". My heart instantly sank. I'm trying to figure my own shit out right now, the last thing I need is adding a kid to the mix.
When she saw my reaction she quickly explained that she said she didn't think it was mine. Apparently after I made it clear I didn't want a relationship with her(but we still proceeded to bone for while) she went on a sexual rampage and started meeting up and rawdogging it with a bunch of random guys.She thought the dad was one of said sexual rampage victims and they are apparently going to have a paternity test when shes further along. I always use a condom myself, so I at least had that going for me. The time frame still worries me though as how many weeks pregnant she is lines up pretty damn close with the last time we had sex. Ive had a condom break on me before with another girl though(took an uber bline at 5am straight to walmart for some plan b lol) so I feel like if it would have broke on us I would have noticed. Pretty weird to say, but man am I glad she was getting pounded by multiple other dudes without condoms lol. That at least puts my mind a bit at ease, but I still wont fully be at peace with the situation until I know for sure some little tyke with my dna wont be running around.
So enough of possible fatherhood talk(shudders) So girl wise nothing too out of the ordinary has been happening. Still getting vibes from my attractive client. At the party one of my friends gfs was showing a lot of iois towards me. Every time i look at her and make a joke she is giggly as all f. She said i could sit next to her on a cooler at one point which was quite the tight fit. I kind of just sat on the edge out of respect for my friend whos an awesome dude and like 5 feet away lol. Towards the end of the night she made fun of me about something and her back was towards the fire, so i grabbed her shoulders and pretended like i was about to throw her ass straight in.She laughed and put out her hand against my chest and immediately goes "Wow your chest is so hard" Im like damn easy girl your boyfriendis literally right there lol. And then she played it off like yeah dont want him to get all obsessed with going to the gym.
As far as my emotions have gone lately someone elses journal I was reading the other day summed it up pretty well. I almost feel like im at war in my mind. Just a lot of emotional turbulence going on and negative thoughts coming up trying to keep me from progressing forward. Some of my biggest issues ive been dealing with these past few years, some almost my whole life to a degree have been coming up and slapping me right in the face. Ive got nowhere to hide from them though, so all I can do is grit my teeth, bear it, and proceed forward . No more alcohol to cope, no Netflix bunging(dont even watch tv anymore besides occasional ufcs) mo social media binging or constant phone use to hide from my feeling(have been limiting my time on social media and overall phone use, probably the toughest stimulus to keep away from) Ha vent fapped in the last 37 days, no videogames.
My life now is basically composed of essentially only productive activities. I am either working with clients, working on my website, learning, or training. While my internal environment doesn't feel much different from when I started 3.2, my external world has definitely shifted, particularly my habits. Im just on another level of productivity now then where I was before. Im taking REAL responsibility for the direction of my life and it has manifested in my daily actions. How I prioritize my time. What I do and what I dont do.
Like I said though, internally it is still a battlefield. At times I think to myself how can I feel this way and still have these thoughts with all that I have changed externally? In retrospect though it really hasn't been all that long, so I think I need to better apply the principal of patience here. I might feel like this shit is tough to deal with and hard to handle and I am not exactly sure how I am going to overcome some of these mental barriers, but what is the alternative? Giving up? Fuck that shit.
A shift I am starting to notice is I am no longer "waiting" for dmsi to fix all my life problems. I think in the past I have used subs as a crutch or excuse not to take responsibility for my life. Like "oh eventually this sub should overcome my resistance and just do everything for me." In my mind now even though I am playing dmsi it is up to ME to overcome my obstacles and achieve my goals in life. I will continue playing dmsi in hopes that it will aid me with my life goals, but I am no longer willing to just passively sit back and expect it to do everything for me.
Had quite the ol roller coaster ride this weekend, and not in a fun hands in air don't care kinda way...So I went over to one of my friends places who was throwing a little party this weekend. One of the girls there works with "kinky girl" ( Girl i was regularly hooking up with, butt decided to cut things off with around a month ago) She is actually who I met her through. Well at one point of the night she pulled me aside and told me some rather shocking news... "Kinky girl just told she is pregnant". My heart instantly sank. I'm trying to figure my own shit out right now, the last thing I need is adding a kid to the mix.
When she saw my reaction she quickly explained that she said she didn't think it was mine. Apparently after I made it clear I didn't want a relationship with her(but we still proceeded to bone for while) she went on a sexual rampage and started meeting up and rawdogging it with a bunch of random guys.She thought the dad was one of said sexual rampage victims and they are apparently going to have a paternity test when shes further along. I always use a condom myself, so I at least had that going for me. The time frame still worries me though as how many weeks pregnant she is lines up pretty damn close with the last time we had sex. Ive had a condom break on me before with another girl though(took an uber bline at 5am straight to walmart for some plan b lol) so I feel like if it would have broke on us I would have noticed. Pretty weird to say, but man am I glad she was getting pounded by multiple other dudes without condoms lol. That at least puts my mind a bit at ease, but I still wont fully be at peace with the situation until I know for sure some little tyke with my dna wont be running around.
So enough of possible fatherhood talk(shudders) So girl wise nothing too out of the ordinary has been happening. Still getting vibes from my attractive client. At the party one of my friends gfs was showing a lot of iois towards me. Every time i look at her and make a joke she is giggly as all f. She said i could sit next to her on a cooler at one point which was quite the tight fit. I kind of just sat on the edge out of respect for my friend whos an awesome dude and like 5 feet away lol. Towards the end of the night she made fun of me about something and her back was towards the fire, so i grabbed her shoulders and pretended like i was about to throw her ass straight in.She laughed and put out her hand against my chest and immediately goes "Wow your chest is so hard" Im like damn easy girl your boyfriendis literally right there lol. And then she played it off like yeah dont want him to get all obsessed with going to the gym.
As far as my emotions have gone lately someone elses journal I was reading the other day summed it up pretty well. I almost feel like im at war in my mind. Just a lot of emotional turbulence going on and negative thoughts coming up trying to keep me from progressing forward. Some of my biggest issues ive been dealing with these past few years, some almost my whole life to a degree have been coming up and slapping me right in the face. Ive got nowhere to hide from them though, so all I can do is grit my teeth, bear it, and proceed forward . No more alcohol to cope, no Netflix bunging(dont even watch tv anymore besides occasional ufcs) mo social media binging or constant phone use to hide from my feeling(have been limiting my time on social media and overall phone use, probably the toughest stimulus to keep away from) Ha vent fapped in the last 37 days, no videogames.
My life now is basically composed of essentially only productive activities. I am either working with clients, working on my website, learning, or training. While my internal environment doesn't feel much different from when I started 3.2, my external world has definitely shifted, particularly my habits. Im just on another level of productivity now then where I was before. Im taking REAL responsibility for the direction of my life and it has manifested in my daily actions. How I prioritize my time. What I do and what I dont do.
Like I said though, internally it is still a battlefield. At times I think to myself how can I feel this way and still have these thoughts with all that I have changed externally? In retrospect though it really hasn't been all that long, so I think I need to better apply the principal of patience here. I might feel like this shit is tough to deal with and hard to handle and I am not exactly sure how I am going to overcome some of these mental barriers, but what is the alternative? Giving up? Fuck that shit.
A shift I am starting to notice is I am no longer "waiting" for dmsi to fix all my life problems. I think in the past I have used subs as a crutch or excuse not to take responsibility for my life. Like "oh eventually this sub should overcome my resistance and just do everything for me." In my mind now even though I am playing dmsi it is up to ME to overcome my obstacles and achieve my goals in life. I will continue playing dmsi in hopes that it will aid me with my life goals, but I am no longer willing to just passively sit back and expect it to do everything for me.
