AM Stage 5 Day 6
I'm freakin' exhausted. I've been using headphones as much as possible, following Shannon's suggestion, and I've been really cranky this week. Three separate issues came up yesterday that put me in a bad light when viewed from one angle.
My boss took that angle in all three cases. He basically called me a liar and asked me to justify the disparity between my stated workload and the numbers he got back from our partner. The letter from the partner shows that their numbers are inaccurate (they only track things I approve, not the ones I reject, where I was keeping the emails of all things for my records).
Later, an issue came up where I made a mistake during something, reversing a decision I had already made. I didn't have context at the time, and I didn't think to check back for prior decisions. I compounded that mistake by sending an email while frustrated and without checking all of the historical evidence.
While I was writing my retraction, he interrupted me by asking for the evidence on which I based my first decision. I said I wasn't sure if I had a written copy of it, and I needed a minute to change gears. He started to say, "Well, it's very important that you have this for something so big--" at which point I interrupted him, saying, "This is not the time to chastise me over details. I'm trying to put out a fire."
This was amazingly effective, because I said it with an edge to my voice, but without raising it or changing my posture. I had a demon inside me, though, telling me to stand up, gesticulate, and start intimidating him like a little bitch.
As each item landed on me throughout the day, I became more and more emotionally unsettled. I was angry, and I needed to escape, because my emotions were really powerful and starting to influence my decisions too much.
Once I got out, I went directly to pick my daughter up for the evening. On the way there, I spent every traffic light going through mental calming exercises because I want my time with her to be all about us without bringing my work frustrations into it. We had a great time, though she slept a lot, coughed a lot, and spiked a fever last night.
At the beginning of a new stage, I have found the first week to have the greatest change. This week has been particularly bad, far worse than any other. It makes me question the wisdom of moving on to WM2 when compared against repeating AM5.
On the one hand, I want to be attracting women and enjoying my time with them. Right now, I feel like that is missing. On the other hand, I feel that increasing my Alpha is very important.
Were I completely objective, I would tell myself to wait until Stage 6 is done and re-evaluate, that nothing is set in stone, and that Alpha is the more important of the two choices I've set for myself. That it's going to benefit me, and therefore those women I attract, a great deal if I get the Alpha dialed in before entering into relationships and having the alpha level increase, which can put a fly in the ointment.
I would advise myself to practice patience, spend two weeks following Stage 6's completion to introspect and choose a path forward.
Unfortunately, being objective is only an exercise. In the meanwhile, I have doubts about where I'm going next, doubts about my job, doubts about how I've scheduled my day-to-day life, and doubts about what I want. So I try to control these things by making plans about what I'm going to do, and while they're not carved in stone, I have an inner battle about treating them that way.
"I said I was going to do BASE next, but I want women, and the business isn't going anywhere right now, and Shannon hasn't released in 9G/HST/OMFG so start attracting a soft harem, man!"
Next week, I'll have changed the plans again.
I'm noticing that I'm amazingly aware that this is really just mental masturbation. My inner alpha, coming into strength, is seeing the analysis paralysis as just another way I sabotage myself, rather than setting up eventual goals; taking action at appropriate times; and abandoning tracks that have proven fruitless instead of chasing sunk costs. It's a strange feeling, like being two people at once inside my own head, and the thoughts of both people are both my own thoughts.
I've got Irrational Sean over on one side, and I've got Cool Sean on the other. Anyone else get like this in Stage Five?
I'm freakin' exhausted. I've been using headphones as much as possible, following Shannon's suggestion, and I've been really cranky this week. Three separate issues came up yesterday that put me in a bad light when viewed from one angle.
My boss took that angle in all three cases. He basically called me a liar and asked me to justify the disparity between my stated workload and the numbers he got back from our partner. The letter from the partner shows that their numbers are inaccurate (they only track things I approve, not the ones I reject, where I was keeping the emails of all things for my records).
Later, an issue came up where I made a mistake during something, reversing a decision I had already made. I didn't have context at the time, and I didn't think to check back for prior decisions. I compounded that mistake by sending an email while frustrated and without checking all of the historical evidence.
While I was writing my retraction, he interrupted me by asking for the evidence on which I based my first decision. I said I wasn't sure if I had a written copy of it, and I needed a minute to change gears. He started to say, "Well, it's very important that you have this for something so big--" at which point I interrupted him, saying, "This is not the time to chastise me over details. I'm trying to put out a fire."
This was amazingly effective, because I said it with an edge to my voice, but without raising it or changing my posture. I had a demon inside me, though, telling me to stand up, gesticulate, and start intimidating him like a little bitch.
As each item landed on me throughout the day, I became more and more emotionally unsettled. I was angry, and I needed to escape, because my emotions were really powerful and starting to influence my decisions too much.
Once I got out, I went directly to pick my daughter up for the evening. On the way there, I spent every traffic light going through mental calming exercises because I want my time with her to be all about us without bringing my work frustrations into it. We had a great time, though she slept a lot, coughed a lot, and spiked a fever last night.
At the beginning of a new stage, I have found the first week to have the greatest change. This week has been particularly bad, far worse than any other. It makes me question the wisdom of moving on to WM2 when compared against repeating AM5.
On the one hand, I want to be attracting women and enjoying my time with them. Right now, I feel like that is missing. On the other hand, I feel that increasing my Alpha is very important.
Were I completely objective, I would tell myself to wait until Stage 6 is done and re-evaluate, that nothing is set in stone, and that Alpha is the more important of the two choices I've set for myself. That it's going to benefit me, and therefore those women I attract, a great deal if I get the Alpha dialed in before entering into relationships and having the alpha level increase, which can put a fly in the ointment.
I would advise myself to practice patience, spend two weeks following Stage 6's completion to introspect and choose a path forward.
Unfortunately, being objective is only an exercise. In the meanwhile, I have doubts about where I'm going next, doubts about my job, doubts about how I've scheduled my day-to-day life, and doubts about what I want. So I try to control these things by making plans about what I'm going to do, and while they're not carved in stone, I have an inner battle about treating them that way.
"I said I was going to do BASE next, but I want women, and the business isn't going anywhere right now, and Shannon hasn't released in 9G/HST/OMFG so start attracting a soft harem, man!"
Next week, I'll have changed the plans again.
I'm noticing that I'm amazingly aware that this is really just mental masturbation. My inner alpha, coming into strength, is seeing the analysis paralysis as just another way I sabotage myself, rather than setting up eventual goals; taking action at appropriate times; and abandoning tracks that have proven fruitless instead of chasing sunk costs. It's a strange feeling, like being two people at once inside my own head, and the thoughts of both people are both my own thoughts.
I've got Irrational Sean over on one side, and I've got Cool Sean on the other. Anyone else get like this in Stage Five?
Fear is a liar.
There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. -- Ernest Hemingway
There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. -- Ernest Hemingway
