Sean's AM Journal

[Sean]

Yes, alcohol is a poison, and I was drinking it out of habit, not a desire to use it as a crutch for social anxiety. I've used it so little over the past few months, I'm finding myself very sensitive to the effects, which can last days afterwards. I'll have to refresh my vitamin supply, because I'm out of the neon-pee, er, I mean B, vitamins.

I quit sodas years ago. I hate the taste of colas now, except for a Mexican Coca-Cola about annually. Most of my liquid intake is water, occasionally a Biotest pre/post workout drink, and iced-tea. Coffee or hot tea occasionally, and, if the water and iced tea are dreadful, a root beer. I try to keep myself clean, in that regard.

Shannon, I'm really interested in your manifestor. Would this be a good thing to go along with BASE or Ultra Success? Or instead of one of those? A friend of mine and I are starting a business, and it seems that every road block costs us a great deal of time and we're not moving ahead as we would like. BTW, you are still a huge tease.

I briefly considered going out tonight, but I want to do nothing at all. I have work I need to get done, and the same problem applies. Mostly, I want to shut the world out. I'm currently not even excited about seeing my daughter tomorrow night, and that is unusual. I normally look forward to this with great anticipation and excitement. She's such a love.

I'm feeling broken. I saw a bit in a movie about an old guy dying, and later another man's sense of loss when thinking about his long-ago childhood. "It seems a thousand years since I ran in the sunlight as a little boy..." It does seem a thousand years since I ran and played as a child. Maybe this is my turn, where I'm changing how I present my inner little boy, and grieving over the change.

What comes to mind also is resisting the step into manhood. It's like there is a fear there. When I look at the fear, to understand it, I keep hearing my ex-girlfriend's voice telling me I'm afraid of responsibility and being depended upon. She was a wicked woman, so I can't rely on her opinion without some kind of corroboration.

I'm feeling the need for comfort. I really just want to hold and be held by a woman who loves me. The rational part of my brain jumps in and labels this a little boy's need for mommy. And that brings up all three of my significant love relationships, where each felt like my mother in the relationship.

And now, when I start to think of it, and get at the root of what's going on, I start distracting myself with other things. "Ooh, I need to move that onto a USB stick." "I wonder what's new at reddit." "Don't forget to pay your storage bill tomorrow."

I thought I had hit a rough patch before. This one is rougher.

Today, my boss had some negative things to say about my performance. They were accurate. He was incredibly rude while giving me the lecture, though. He'd ask questions, and interrupt, which is a pet peeve of mine. I think he knows it, too. His management style includes keeping people off balance that way, by bullying, interrupting, deliberate misinterpretation of arguments presented, and being a jerk. So much so that he made one of my colleagues cry. I was getting incensed by his interruptions and arrogance, and I'm glad he left when he did, because my self-control was running out.