Rise of a Sith Lord (AM6)[Complete]

[DarthXedonias]

Stage 6, Day 16

Well, the last few days have definitely been stressful but I have had a very big breakthrough as well. Essentially, over the weekend I made a incompetent mistake at my job and that got me pretty down for the rest of the day. I got over most of it the next day but then I made another mistake. Just to give you some background I take making incompetent mistakes very, very hard. I think the INTP (even though I turned more INTJ recently) under stress explanation does justice here:

"Their desire for accuracy and precision exacerbates any error they may perceive in themselves or in others — they are, in other words, highly self-critical. Wanting to be competent and know everything, their standards grow increasingly higher. When fear of failing becomes overly pronounced, INTPs are quick to feel unintelligent, slow, and powerless."

Pretty much after I made a mistake the next day I felt so down and powerless that I actually left work early. It was hard enough walking home because I just wanted to just sit down and not move at all. When I got home I just laid down in my bed and took some medication to help me sleep because I didn't want to think. Every time I thought I kept thinking about my failures over the past few days. I woke up later and instantly got flood with thoughts again, so I tried to go back to sleep again. Needless to say, I was in a very, very "Dark" place that day. I woke up again later and called my friend, who is a nurse, to talk about it. He knows I've had these dark depressions and panic attacks before. While talking to him I made some realizations. The whole time during AM6 I have never had these dark panic attacks and I kept wondering why I was having them recently.

I came to the conclusion that I hadn't made a incompetent mistake that was completely my fault since beginning AM6. Also, its seems like AM6 kinda of changed the reasons why I felt bad. Before I would fear making incompetent mistakes because of a fear of how others would perceive me. Now its because of how I would perceive myself because I hold myself to a much higher standard now. With that insight, I felt a bit better but still somewhat down. The freaky part is what happened when I went to go lay down again. I was sleep (or half asleep anyway) and I had this dream. In the dream I was being intimate with a woman. I recognized the woman right away. If any of you have watched the anime "Sekirei" you would know her as Karasuba. For those that don't know, She's somewhat considered the "villain" you could say in the series though I just see her as someone who has a obsession with battle. She's actually one of my favorites characters.

Anyway, in the dream she said things along the lines that "I should enjoy everything in life including the bad". "Revel in those feelings because all of them are a part of life (Love, anger, joy, hate, etc). "Enjoy every up and down of life as if it is a roller coaster". After I woke up I had this unbelievable feeling of happiness and power. All my negative memories didn't upset me or make me angry anymore, they actually made me happy and powerful. In a earlier post I mentioned how before AM6 a PTSD (or panic attack) would get me depressed and sad but after Stage 3 they would just get me angry. Now I get a very good feeling of confidence, happiness and power. Its like My subconscious now feeds on those bad memories and turns them into something positive I can use to push me forward. For me, this feels like a major breakthrough. Hopefully when I get started on WM2, My PTSD as related with social anxiety will be obliterated.

Lastly, I've been thinking lately on my previous post about the Auras for WM2 and SM3. I wondered if the reason why your able to get more amount of women on WM2 than SM3 is because the WM2 auras might be less threatening. I mean people might not have much fear, shame, and guilt involving finding a person magnetic, sexy, and attractive but they might have some of that built up against desiring someone sexually right off the bat (based on upbringing of course). What do you guys think?

*Edit* In response to Maniac360: I meant more about the auras and how they would effect how many women you would pull between the two programs. For example, Lets say you have two guys, one with Auras developed from SM3 and another developed from WM2. Lets say that they both meet a woman and this woman might have some Fear, shame and guilt built around her sexuality. Therefore She might choose the WM2 guy over SM3 guy because hes less threatening with his Aura (Magnetic, sexy, attractive). I could see how this might be effected not only by upbringing but cultural norms as well. If you were to take so same two guys and send them to Japan the SM3 guy would probably do just as good at pulling women as the WM2 guy because he wouldn't be at a disadvantage since Sexuality outside of marriage isn't taboo there and there really isn't a culture of "Slut shaming" as it were.