RERUN 3 AM5

[aswase]

Yes. Thats me.

Also, to any readers out there. Im curious as to wether or not anyone has changed from antisocial to social.
I was nice, and a pushover before, but still talked a lot. Going into the program, I went mute... Now Im just not really interested in people. At least not in person. Im not sure if its the programming, and I haven't defined something properly or what.
I want to be interested in others, and stuff, but when it comes to me meeting people in person, i feel socially awkward now. Like I dont know what to do with my hands.. or I feel that im looking into peoples eyes too long, or at the wrong time; I look in their eyes when im listening, but talk into space. Fuck.

Im curious also as to if, OAA will help with this issue since ive stacked it on about a week ago for support.
I keep thinking back to this picture of a rat brain who is exposed to other rats versus the one in isolation, and the differences..

I think Im going to try to start dorming; join a social community of some sort, cause other than bodybuilding.. I dont really have any interests. I kind of like snowboarding, but at the same time... I cant due to where I live.
Damn. I Just feel really lost is all.
Im stuck to where I hate to waste time, and want to spend it studying/ doing something, but ive never really wanted to do anything other than video-games, watch anime, etc.
I dont want to fall back into that, but Its really all I had.
I never did sports growing up, and whatever extracurricular activities my parents put me in as a child, I used to just straight out refuse.. Now that i understand what the hell is going on, I wish I didnt.

How does one become something he never was/ enjoy things that he never has, but has done a lot of in his life.
I feel like im slowly falling apart. These subs.. they're good and all. Sure. But still.

Ive pretty much cut off everything that I once was, and have nothing now.
Just got a job.. not one that I really enjoy, but maybe itll hold me over for a while. Im really after the slightly higher position.

Im really hoping that the people whom work this job wont be negative influences towards me due to it being in the food industry.

Any who. Not much else to say.
Tomorrow my sleep phones come in, and i'm switching them out with my stereo system.
Ill put that one in the gym.
----------------------------

Ive also been having more negative thoughts about the program popping up. Im not sure if its resistance, or if it makes sense.
Everyone has a different perspective of whom they want to be, and a mission/direction in life.
If someone uses subliminals, and has no direction in life is that person just wasting time?
Not to say that subliminals dont work, but that one with no direction is simply not ready.
I constantly see people on the forum whom have become better at what they are already doing, when they first hop on the program, but when it comes to changing a person... thats not so much prevalent for example;
Someone whom is extraverted may become a super player, but an introvert may simply become more focused on his business.
As for the no direction. I look at it as if someone is taking steroids but not lifting (My current lens). Or is listening to the sub considered the lifting?

Im a little bit confused. I want to believe. Ive been wanting to believe in these programs since I started, but im curious as to whether or not its just resistance in itself. My conscious mind, or unconscious mind wanting to give up control.
Lately ive just wanted to give up control, and stop listening for good. Im wondering if its positive or not. Whenever I read about alphas, the strongest ones seem to let go. They dont care. Are indifferent, etc. Mentally, and emotionally tough.
Thats not to say that If I were to drop the subs, and just try to be me, itd be all rainbow n sunshine, and id be living the life I want to.
Im just curious if there are certain circumstances where one is truly not ready to use subliminals, or if its just a lack of self control, or resistance.
I remember the first time I ran through the program, I was under 18, and it was complete hell. From that day to now, Ive only recently written out my mission, but have be dumbfounded as to what the next steps are to being whom I want to be.
Im wondering if like i said. Im beginning to rely on the subs to the point of it being detrimental to my growth.

I think ive repeated myself, and may seem to be talking in circles or something along those lines.
I dont want to be a quitter, but I dont want to be holding myself back either.
As much as id love to just wake up at the end of all of this, and say that I truly have changed a lot, and all these thoughts were just fake, and my views on myself were just resistance that didnt wanna let go till I did.. Im really sure if thats whatll be. Ive suspended my belief for this long, so ill keep it up for now..
I just wanna try AM6, and get the results that I see other people getting on the forum..
The results ive been getting have been antisociability. Self respect.. Not sure what else to add since im in a negative headspace at the moment. Im sure I have a lot of other positives in there just not wanting to pop out at the moment.

[Benjamin]

This is interesting...

i feel socially awkward now. Like I dont know what to do with my hands.. or I feel that im looking into peoples eyes too long, or at the wrong time; I look in their eyes when im listening, but talk into space. ****.

I was reporting that the other day and then Robstar said the same thing and now you're reporting it. Until now i've read nobody else report this. But I feel similar.. awkward, like I may be making too much eye contact and feel a little weird, but at the same time people are treating me much better like at toastmasters despite the awkward feeling I felt like I was the centre of attention in the tea break room and such.

For me even though there's that little awkwardness there is still a baseline of confidence but some of the time it doesn't feel totally natural yet.

[aswase]

I think its confusing, because all of the subliminal data is compartamentalizing in the brain. I noticed that I only act like that during the first few hours off the sub.

[aswase]

Had a weird dream last night; thing it involves overcoming guilt shame fear(OAA), and control (Am5).
Basically me, and my younger brother (10) had to move out of a condo filled with negative people, whom were also family (loved, but made bad choices), and we left in my car and ended up stopping on a corner in the middle of some farm land, and my brother hopped out of the car to stretch his legs on the corner and his shoes were untied. I told him I forgot something, and that he needs to get in the car but he wouldnt listen (Control). So I just drove away to go grab my stuff. When I came back to the corner, he was missing. I Searched everywhere for him and found that he was beaten in a farms closet down the road. After watching a video on a camera of what had happened, I looked down back at him to see that he was perfectly fine. Then things got really weird. We crawled out of a hole in the wall of the closet, and he was showing me where the people that beat him were. They were aliens, and nothing like the 15yr olds in the video he showed me.
Wtf. Cant imagine what that portion of the dream was about.

[AJK]

To those whom are reading this, I have a question. Preferably answered by those whom have read the black dragons 2.0, or models. In the book it states that happiness is easily attained, but only attained by being good to others. What if those others are disrespectful to you? I would consider that niceness, but i'm curious as to what others views on are good/kind, versus nice.

I read Models about four times.

Giving means giving without ulterior motives. That means the only thing you really have are the things you willingly give away without expecting anything back.

The sub-story of the story that you told demonstrated that you are still emotionally connected to your ex. You entered into a pissing match with her bf. You could have easily said "No problem, I'll take you to the hotel for a nice dinner in exchange." They would have gotten what they needed, you would have demonstrated to her bf that you weren't trying to ingratiate yourself to your ex, and you would have gotten a meal out of it. If you did that, you wouldn't have likely posted anything. You are just smarting because you couldn't be the knight in shining armor.

[aswase]

To those whom are reading this, I have a question. Preferably answered by those whom have read the black dragons 2.0, or models. In the book it states that happiness is easily attained, but only attained by being good to others. What if those others are disrespectful to you? I would consider that niceness, but i'm curious as to what others views on are good/kind, versus nice.

I read Models about four times.

Giving means giving without ulterior motives. That means the only thing you really have are the things you willingly give away without expecting anything back.

The sub-story of the story that you told demonstrated that you are still emotionally connected to your ex. You entered into a pissing match with her bf. You could have easily said "No problem, I'll take you to the hotel for a nice dinner in exchange." They would have gotten what they needed, you would have demonstrated to her bf that you weren't trying to ingratiate yourself to your ex, and you would have gotten a meal out of it. If you did that, you wouldn't have likely posted anything. You are just smarting because you couldn't be the knight in shining armor.

To be honest, I don't feel emotionally connected to her. I was once obsessed with her years back of course. Perhaps there are underlying feelings; not that i'm aware of at the moment really, but I have been busy.
I already ate, and the guy immediately got pissed when I offered a shorter solution. I had a spare 15-30 min, but not an hour to and from at 10:30 at night.
That. and the fact that I can only drive illegally at the moment.
My question was wether or not helping them even after the boyfriend got pissed when I wasn't really thinking about doing anything with his gf was reasonable. It was only after the fact that I started thinking of creating an opportunity haha.

From my understanding, it would've pushover work, and I made the correct decision. If I helped, then I would've been the "Knight in shining armor." "Giving means giving without ulterior motives. That means the only thing you really have are the things you willingly give away without expecting anything back." Your solution was a trade btw. Not giving.

Thanks for the insights though. Just cause I don't consciously feel anything doesn't mean there aren't any subconscious emotions at work.

[aswase]

My first step towards retribution is going to be classes on socializing. Ive been isolated too damn long stuck studying.

I want a sociable, fun, self improving life.
Perhaps ill join cycling or running... i'm gonna start first with getting a job at a juice bar instead of pizza hut, then adding in a social activity.. then getting a gym membership, and by then college starts up. Im also going to start working out with a friend from high-school every other day irregardless.
He's a calm, submitting alpha, and is pretty damn small too. Plays soccer, and is also great with girls. Im gonna help him as much as I can to help him figure out what he wants to do in life since he's stressed out, and i've already done the heavy lifting in that area.

I recently started adding more cold pressed juice into my diet to help clean out the junk in my veins as well, and now when I workout, my mind seems much much clearer in comparison to the usual. Im not sure if my old high fat diet caused any damage to my health, but I can only do what I can.

Im taking a break studying wise tomorrow, and focusing on just living. My mind is just overwhelmed by the subs+sleep-phones, and all this extra studying. Sleep-phones are awesome btw.

I also finished reading the personal MBA, and reviewed models, as well as mastery and am ready to take on a mentor. I also finished compiling notes on planning, and goal setting, and to-do lists/ simulations.
Im currently compiling a list of people with background information, stories, and personality info so I can get in their heads, and am ready to get to know them. I think that even though im ususally antisocial, its because im just being overwhelmed by everything. Ive planned out my life. have my goals set. my mission in place. philosophy, and beliefs written.

Im thinking that although I may on the outside may seem to just be wading in the water, im more like a duck, and kicking like hell beneath the surface.

All my childhood till now has been wasted time in my opinion, and the direct opposite of it now, is also just bogging me down.

Think ill take the much needed AM break when im finished.
I havnt taken a break in about two years..
I think its time.
Even if its just for a little..

as far as I can see, my personality/character is just about where I want it to be.
Just need to take action now that the opportunity is here, and I have the confidence, as well as knowledge/foresight to get to where I want to be.

Well. here it goes.
Last week of am5 stage4.

My run of AM5 ends on halloween.

AM6 start up is gonna be on November 8

[aswase]

Got some light tinnitus going on, and a dull headache. Gonna take a day off for my brain to recover.
Also. Noticed that I can take criticism, insults, and stuff along those lines a lot better. I feel kind of detached when things like that happen, and if its constructive, I don't feel like lashing out. Its kind of the mindset of "this person cares enough to tell me I suck. Thats so nice of them. Now I know."

[aswase]

So lately Ive been thinking. The frequency of the ultrasonic sub is in the range that thoughts are in.
Well. Lately Ive been becoming more sensitive to to the sound of the ultrasonic, and have had to lower the volume over time. (just 2-3 notches on my phone over ~ 2 years or so of using subs.)
But Im curious.. if one were to train their hearing over time.. I think hearing others thoughts could be possible. Maybe not in a crowded room sure, but one on one in nature or something along the lines.. That'd be cool and creepy.

Also. Tinnitus.
Im not sure if its really tinnitus, or just my brain replaying the subliminal from memory in my head or something along those lines. That makes more sense to me. Ill see what I can find on the forum when I have time.

[apollolux]

The frequency of the ultrasonic sub is in the range that thoughts are in. [ ... ] if one were to train their hearing over time.. I think hearing others thoughts could be possible.

Crowded room or not, I think the thing stopping that from happening is all the fluids, skull, and scalp encasing the brain, kind of like a soundproofed room, so whatever thought waves do escape are so filtered and muffled that they're completely unintelligible to people. This is probably why electronic brainwave readers attach probes directly to the scalp, to be as close as physically possible to the brain without opening up the skull or other invasive procedures.

[aswase]

Stage 5, day 2
So far, ive had a threesome; gaining a sex partner, and another potential around the corner. Ive been hanging tons with my buddy from highschool in college too, and have been partying nearly on the daily.


Im feeling depressed at the moment though.
A feeling of disconnection from people. Just a recent feeling/urge to be outcome dependant oncemore. Lately I havnt fallen into that; stage 4 is really strong, but tonight just isnt for me. Cant wait for all this stuff to finally be imprinted wholly in my brain.
Whatever I guess.


Also. The brain deadness is popping. again. People arnt laughing at what I say.. or aknowledging me at some points. Maybe need some more sleep. nbd. can catchup this afternoon after work at my new job.
Ive been down n out of lithium for the past two days, and im tryna figure out how long I can last without, but it really does help.

I dont want to use any of that shit, but what if my brain is really just different. Maybe permafried.
I can live with it. Just need to figure out what works for me. Maybe one day ill feel okay for real. Thats what I hope to achieve through these drugs.
Its fucked up... but what if its true?
Im not used to thinking this negatively.. ill just do my best. Its all I can do.

Maybe Im just dehydrated. Thats a bad habit of mine.

Drink more water.
Sleep a little more.
Drink more juice.
Eat more calories.
Take a multi.
Talk louder.
Stop smoking.
Take some lithium.
Immersion in social situations.
Tbc...

[aswase]

Stage 5 day 3

Ive become selectively mute again.
Not sure if its lack of calories, or the lithium stopped working like how it used to. My mind is just blank kind of.

I slept around 12 hours last night/morning and pissed off my parents.
Ive been staying out kinda late partying/ hanging out with friends to try and fix this, but my parents want me home.
I feel that its kind of fucked up, since I hate being alone in my room like I used to be before, and hate that theyre holding me back.

Hopefully If I get enough money, I can start living on my own, and wont have to deal with this anymore.
Just need to make sure not to fall out of my workout habits, and to keep smoking to a minimum or quit. Lately ive been socially smoking, and not buying packs. It at first helped me socially, but now is holding me back in ways. Maybe Ill buy a box mod.

So far, women are definitely attracted to me. Just need to start talking....
Ill usually grunt in response, or play around physically with them, play games, sing, but nothing wants to come out verbally. Atleast. In comparison to everyone else.

My focus, other than staying out, and hanging as long as possible, is to start working on my leadership, marketing, finance, and sales skills, to get promoted to manager at work.

Overall, ive just noticed myself being more caustic/polarizing/unethical/blunt/More antisocial, but not scared of interaction. Just bored/ too lazy for conversation. I really enjoy doing things though, and am more verbal with my hands and body than my words so to speak. I do what I want when I want, and can do anything.
Comfortable everywhere I go, except around women sometimes.
Another positive, is that its easier to force myself to do stuff earlier so I wont have to do it later.
Because i do what I want however, i also end up procrastinating in a lot of areas. homework, or rockclimbing? nobrainer.

During the first half of most my days, im fried, but after 5 hours or so, my brain kicks back in 85%. Need to up my sleep some more to maybe 10 hours. also started upping my calories; ended up real lean 6%, and lost a little muscle from my negligence, but Ill do it right this time.

I only get upset when im wrong, and no one wants to explain why. Thats also one of the few areas where if people make fun/prod at my inexperience, where Ill turn a little caustic. So... confusion anger. other than that, I seem to give less fucks in all areas. I also got another parking ticket. FUCK. didnt notice the red curb till hours later since I got myself into a rush.

My focus right now is on gaining a mentor, then I can get promoted to manager at my job, and then move on out, making my own business, and living on my own.

[aswase]

stage 5 day 5,
Anxiety.. just a little at the end of the day for some reason.
Ive been contemplating some issues which I haven't aggressively been attacking lately.
Due to my lifestyle, I get every food vitamin/mineral/salt/molecule in more than sufficient quantities, as well as pro hormones from food... except low calories.
Im never really hungry, so ill go weeks into a deficit without even noticing, but currently im going to make calories my focus.
Ive dropped down to very low bf, lost a little muscle, and my thinking has become.. erratic. Atleast, when I do think. Anxiety.. im thinking thats also from not eating enough, and a little from not enough sleep, but ill work around it.
I think its a reason as to why ive been such a loner for quite some time too. Food brings people together. Healthy or not; and Ive been neglecting it for too long.
My goal is actually to reach double digit fat %, and to eat as much calories as I can to re-jumpstart my system, even if its force fed.

Also. Ive been asking a lot more questions to people lately. From my science side, its from the low serotonin in my system from low body fat. Thats my consensus, and ill start from fixing that. >3000 calories a day.

Soon after, Ill go back to searching for a mentor aggressively.

Other than that, life is great. I just got a number from a cute girl, and invited her to go hiking with me and some friends this weekend. It'll be awesome. She ended up saying no, and didn't give another day or time though, so I guess she isn't interested for whatever reason.. Im fine with that Ill go look for someone else who's interested.
And another thing.
I cant stop saying awesome at least in the very least, three times a day. I never used to use that word, but.. That really stood out to me for some reason. Its my usual response to how I feel about everything lately. I kind of like it. Now I just need to work on having more detailed opinions other than just "good", or "awesome".

[ffaux]

Other than that, life is great. I just got a number from a cute girl, and invited her to go hiking with me and some friends this weekend. It'll be awesome. She ended up saying no, and didn't give another day or time though, so I guess she isn't interested for whatever reason.. Im fine with that Ill go look for someone else who's interested.

Can I suggest that you strike up a conversation, rebuild trust and then invite her to something more casual like a drink or coffee which is low risk and low investment for her? That way she won't feel like it's such a big deal. Remember, she doesn't even know you…