Pushin' My Luck to the MAX! USLMax 5.5G

[findingme]

I'm seeing RT walking in his home with steel toe boots on now. The latest 2 incidences both were about unexpected foot injuries, both at home.

Since I've had similar experiences at home, I wondered if it was meaningful. I live in a small place, and when I'm lazy I'll leave my work boots out sometimes, and I have to be cautious walking to the bathroom late at night with the lights out. Those "ouches" wake me up, for after I've cursed, I realize some bigger connections. For myself, I realized I was trying to ditch responsibilities in other parts of life , and the pain there is similar. I rarely change things immediately, but it's been eye-opening a few times. The little things woke me up to the bigger things, painfully.

[RTBoss]

Strange. Was just checking my email, and I have one from a headhunter from a company that places fitness professionals for a local corporate wellness job. I've never been contacted about a job before like this.

I was (recently) thinking "what if" scenarios about going back out in the world to work - more for social reasons than monetary, though more money would help my wife feel less stressed. But, then there's the kids. We'd need a daycare solution and to arrange transportation for things like preschool, and it seems like something that'd get messy fast.

My kids will only be kids once. Maybe this is more of an opportunity for me to see how lucky I am to be in the position I am in and appreciate it more. It's something I've taken for granted and/or at times lamented, but faced with an alternative...seems to be what I'd choose to do over going to work for someone else and missing a good chunk of that.

[RTBoss]

Two days into V3, and things are going well. My wife said I was touchy yesterday, and I was. My eyelid twitched on and off all day - something that only occurs when I'm pretty stressed. Also took a nap, as I was very tired in the afternoon.

Today has been much better. Mood's brighter, eyelid twitch is gone, yet I can tell a lot is going on under the hood. The good news is I'm not as aware of what's going on, in the sense that I'm not miserable like I was when I first started V2. Also napped today for about 90 minutes. Like Shannon said in his thread, this program is suckin' a lot of energy. It's just a different kind of tired, and when you experience it, you know when it's from a sub.

[JakeKennedy]

Two days into V3, and things are going well. My wife said I was touchy yesterday, and I was. My eyelid twitched on and off all day - something that only occurs when I'm pretty stressed. Also took a nap, as I was very tired in the afternoon.

Today has been much better. Mood's brighter, eyelid twitch is gone, yet I can tell a lot is going on under the hood. The good news is I'm not as aware of what's going on, in the sense that I'm not miserable like I was when I first started V2. Also napped today for about 90 minutes. Like Shannon said in his thread, this program is suckin' a lot of energy. It's just a different kind of tired, and when you experience it, you know when it's from a sub.

For what it’s worth my gf has been exposed to both days of USLM3 and has had an eye twitch all day today which she normally doesn’t have.

[Ruffian]

Hey RTB! I've been running each successive version of USLM since Sept. 30. Last night was my second night of V3, and in my dreamscape, I walked up to...RTB! “RTB” was sitting in a chaise lounge, and I sat down in a chaise lounge next to him. I asked him, “If you could run any sub, either existing or custom, what would it be?” And then I woke up.

Now, “chaise” is my personal metaphor for communication between the conscious and subconscious. I believe “RTB” is my metaphor for that part of my psyche that is responsible for my interest in ,and actualization of, running subs.

I will also mention here that I have not as yet set my specific goals for running this sub. So I believe this dream is my subconscious asking the “RTB” part, what do you want? So, time to set those specific goals, I think.

At any rate, I hope you don't mind me posting this in your thread. I just thought that you should be aware that my subconscious has turned you into a metaphor!

[RTBoss]

Hey RTB! I've been running each successive version of USLM since Sept. 30. Last night was my second night of V3, and in my dreamscape, I walked up to...RTB! “RTB” was sitting in a chaise lounge, and I sat down in a chaise lounge next to him. I asked him, “If you could run any sub, either existing or custom, what would it be?” And then I woke up.

Now, “chaise” is my personal metaphor for communication between the conscious and subconscious. I believe “RTB” is my metaphor for that part of my psyche that is responsible for my interest in ,and actualization of, running subs.

I will also mention here that I have not as yet set my specific goals for running this sub. So I believe this dream is my subconscious asking the “RTB” part, what do you want? So, time to set those specific goals, I think.

At any rate, I hope you don't mind me posting this in your thread. I just thought that you should be aware that my subconscious has turned you into a metaphor!

Lol, very cool! Thanks for telling me. If your goals aren't private, you'll have to let us know what they are when you set them.

[RTBoss]

Mentally weary, today. Lots going on under the hood - my thought patterns reflect it. Have a bit of melancholy and even some apathy. Apathy like "How do people care about anything? What motivates them? Nothing anyone does ends up mattering in any way." I don't actually believe that, but I've had trouble with apathy in the past. I'm sure whatever is behind it is being worked on. Again, I'm very mentally tired, and a nap is forthcoming.

I sat down last night to write a post that was primarily just bitching, so decided against it and deleted the details before posting. Who wants to hear the negativity? I think that's a good thing, but I also want to report what's actually going on. TL;DR Had about the worst meal and service at a regular spot with my family, with a server we've never had issues with, and spent the meal/evening very pissed off. Whatever, not a big deal - onward.

[RTBoss]

One of my main goals is to "become a better parent." In short order, I've been led to a book called "Discipline Without Damage." It's eye-opening, describes exactly the situation my wife and I are in with our kids at the moment, our concerns we've had, and seems to be the exact answer we've been looking for. Damn book's made me cry already, from both relief for a helpful answer and shame at my own behavior toward my family out of ignorance.

Not only is this book going to help me become a better parent, but it's helping me understand some of my emotional issues that very likely stem from my own upbringing, and my parents' before them. Forgiving them for not knowing what to do - just like me now - will be easier, and frankly, I already feel lighter about all of it. My wife is also very happy with me for finding the book, and taking steps to be a better father. Should be very good for our relationship.

[apollolux]

Off-topic, I finally realized your avatar pic is a jug pouring out water, RT. All this time I was thinking it was some fancy myth squid putting one of its tentacles on its forehead because "it had the vapors" or something. XD

[Hatman]

I thought it was a Jamaican rasta squid lol

[SargeMaximus]

Off-topic, I finally realized your avatar pic is a jug pouring out water, RT. All this time I was thinking it was some fancy myth squid putting one of its tentacles on its forehead because "it had the vapors" or something. XD

Haha, I thought it was a fancy hookah!

[RTBoss]

I'm not sure when I noticed, but my anger-level has diminished significantly. I've felt irritated, or irritable, but not angry. Anger and fear are very closely inter-related, so this may be a sign the FRM is doing it's thang.

Edit: The night of the 8th - when my meal went wrong every possible way - was the last time I was angry. It used to practically be on a daily basis.

[RTBoss]

Had a dream I can actually remember. Of course, it was a nightmare.

Plane crash dreams are a recurring theme for me - symbolizing my fear of not being in control.

Was in a "safe" state-of-the-art jet with family. It's a dream plane, so it doesn't resemble anything that exists. I remember feeling happy about how smooth and safe the flight was, and we were approaching the time to land. That's when, out-of-nowhere (which is what always happens in these dreams), the plane plummets straight down, my stomach in my throat, and impending doom awaits.

I "wake up" in dream alive and fine. Lots of others are fine, but then a family member I love and respect says, "Now you will cry." One-by-one, family shows up. "He's" fine, "she's" fine, and then my son shows up, and he's missing a limb.

My face contorts into a silent scream - the kind of deep, guttural grief that is so intense you can't breathe, and no sound escapes you...

End of dream.

I think it represents my fear that though things seem like they're going to be alright, they won't, and there's nothing I can do about it - and I fear my son will end up hurt because of it.

This is clearly FRM at work, all related to my goal of "being a better parent," which is something immediately more necessary for my son. I haven't handled his 4-year-old energy or tendencies well, or with empathy and compassion, like I should. I noticed the way I treat his sister is night-and-day from how I treat him - and that's bullshit. So I'm workin' on it.

[Shannon]

Respect.