Overcome Fear, Guilt, and Shame

[mat422]

As promised made a new thread. I want to keep things easy and not jumble up my sub experience into one thread. In hindsight it probably would have benefit me to make separate entries so I could see how each sub affected me, but whatever you live and learn.

Anyway not much to report on. I'm feeling a little better. I went through a few rough weeks and I feel like I'm coming out of it. Life can be pretty surreal at times for me. Hell, human behavior is strange at times.

But I started working out again. Hopefully it will boost my mood a bit. I guess this is relevant because believe it or not I had some kind of shame about wanting to look better. I've always been on the skinny side and I've got a pretty small frame. I'm not obsessed with being huge, but packing on a little bit of muscle wouldn't be too bad. There's a lot of extreme fitness fads going around where they try and kill you with their workouts, and if people like that more power to them. But for me just gaining more strength and building a nice physique is good enough for me.

[mat422]

Got hit with some heavy depression today. Not much to say but I just have to ride it out and hope things are better tomorrow. Something I always struggle with on days like this is guilt. Lately I've been working on some music. And I've realized I really love music. But sometimes it's like the pleasure of making music, anything really, is sucked right out of me. And then I feel compelled to try to make it anyway because I need to get better. But my creativity is stifled, I get frustrated that I can't generate that same passion I felt, and ultimately it makes me feel worse when I can't achieve what I want. I think a lot of that is due to my drive to get better, which aids me greatly when I have the energy. But it's a tremendous burden filled with a lot of guilt when I lack the energy to get it done.

But at least doing something will help me out. I can't make assumptions without actually exploring something and getting up and doing it. Even if I don't do too well at it, it's still something.

[mat422]

I am contemplating a long held problem I've had for a while now. Namely, skepticism. Despite not being a scientist, I seem to still apply a similar mindset. As far as subliminals go, I have no doubt they work. The subconscious mind exists and influencing the subconscious mind is a concept grounded in the physical realm. Simple behavioral change really. But also affecting the physical is possible because our bodies regulate everything and constantly receive input and output like a computer.

However, the concept of energy or any really new age stuff I can't grasp. I'm not a naysayer, I can't prove it does exist and I can't prove it doesn't. Things such as chakras, meridian points on the body, etc. All concepts that I have pondered.

I tend to hear stories from energy practices about people "feeling better". I believe it's good that an individual is feeling better and has benefited. But more importantly I believe we must know the exact reason why they are feeling better. Was it the actual method and theory behind it or the placebo effect? The placebo effect is still powerful and shouldn't be discredited, but tapping into that pure mind power should be the focus. I feel like every year a new energy therapy comes out with the same promises as the last one.

I'm not one for blind faith, but I'm also not adamant to tear down everything just because I don't understand it. However, I'll probably still continue to be a skeptic only because I feel it's in my nature and I question the validity of everything.

[Shannon]

Balanced skepticism is the royal road to true wisdom. Unbalanced skepticism is the fool's road to blindness.

[mat422]

Balanced skepticism is the royal road to true wisdom. Unbalanced skepticism is the fool's road to blindness.

I try my best to keep my skepticism balanced. One more thing I've come to realize these past few days is how much damage I've done to my own state of being by some self help stuff I internalized over the years.

Particularly this ignorant message about how thinking is the enemy and the barrier to reaching more peaceful states of being. Being mindful of one's own thoughts is a great practice, but I believe there is no state of mind without thinking other than complete death of the brain. Some of these books teach you to not use rational critical thinking by labeling such behavior as unnatural or a fault of mankind. As if we need to take a completely natural process such as thinking and unlearn it in order to achieve some mystical state.

I thought I was living in a more peaceful state of mind or making progress. But I think I was training my brain to operate in a lower state, like a trance like state almost. My mental processes seemed dull and there was a lack of sharpness to my life. I was living in a state of mind where everything seemed unreal or hazy. And when I experienced a lot of anxiety I'd revert to this state because I thought it was relaxing my mind, but it was an escapist behavior that grew and grew until I started get stuck in it more and more.

I have to be incredibly mindful of when I revert to this behavior now. There's a difference between relaxation and slipping into this state. I believe they call it depersonalization in psychology. Due to the levels of anxiety I'm subjected to my mind looks for a way to escape that feeling, but it's an unhealthy behavior I need to change.

[SexyMofo]

hey Mat! Try this book for size, maybe it could help you fighting off that depression and keep it away. The title of the book is 59 seconds - Think a little Change a lot by Richard Wiseman. It's a great book man. hope you get out of that depression rut that's been plaguing you.

- Mofo

[Benjamin]

Hi Matt,
Just popping in to give you some encouragement, good luck using OGSF. It will be awesome to hear your results as you go along.

-Ben

[mat422]

hey Mat! Try this book for size, maybe it could help you fighting off that depression and keep it away. The title of the book is 59 seconds - Think a little Change a lot by Richard Wiseman. It's a great book man. hope you get out of that depression rut that's been plaguing you.

- Mofo

Cool I'll check it out.

Hi Matt,
Just popping in to give you some encouragement, good luck using OGSF. It will be awesome to hear your results as you go along.

-Ben

Thanks Ben, I'll be sure to keep updates on how things progress.

[mat422]

So yesterday I made some progress. In my bouts of depression I had trouble keeping myself from slipping further down. I realized it's because sometimes no matter what I do, it won't go away. Not in a permanent way, but more like you can't overcome it in just a few weeks. It's a process and as long as I keep going I chip away at it. It made me realize even if I felt bad, that's no reason to feel like all my efforts are pointless. Every little thing I do benefits me, even if I can't see it. And most importantly it's a transitional period, not something that I'm stuck with.

Then this morning I had a bizarre experience. Around 2 am I was in a state of dreaming but being conscious of my own body in my bed. Not sure how to describe it. Anyway, I had this pulse or sensation of sensitivity for a couple of minutes at the base of my tailbone. And simultaneously a powerful orgasmic sensation through my body. I woke up out of my dream in a state of what I can only describe as mania. I was unable to go back to sleep, I was full of this energy I couldn't understand. I understood with this knowing, some kind of absolute conviction about how individuals hold onto their problems. I was always more of a logical person, I had to understand something. But I realized the more you try to understand something, the more real it becomes. And consequently, it becomes a part of you whether you want to believe it or not. My attention was solely focused on depression and anxiety as part of me, they merged with my identity. There exists another part of myself, my true self you could say, that is not affected by these problems. And all it takes is letting go of these problems, because they aren't me and I have no use in holding onto them. But if you told me that a couple of weeks ago I would have held onto these problems tightly as it was all I knew and fear kept them in place.

That being said. I didn't have some grand epiphany where I've completely detached from these negative emotions and problems. But I can say the strong hold they seemed to have on me has decreased as well as my self defeating yet comforting habit of holding onto them as a form of identity.

Today I feel different. Prior to today I felt like I was in a fog or haze. But now there's this sense of clarity, a strange sensation that I'm frankly not even sure if normal people experience. If I expressed this to a psychologist or psychiatrist I feel like they would diagnose me as bipolar and put me on medication. But I'm not labeling this experience, I'm going to explore it and come to my own conclusions.

I want to think that it's all the subliminal. But I looked up the pulsating in the tailbone thing and apparently it's a symptom of kundalini awakening. Clearly the subliminal is doing something, but this additional experience is strange. I'm starting to think that the physical is linked to the spiritual, and the more you improve yourself in the physical, the more spiritual growth as well. Frankly I feel a little nuts, because if I explained this to any of my friends they'd think I went off the deep end.

[mat422]

Ok, so the state I experienced this morning has worn off. It was an incredible feeling, but I knew it would fade with time. I'd compare what I went through as a step up. Meaning I gained insights that I don't try to internalize, I automatically assume these behaviors. But there is still work to be done and I'm ok with that. I've already accepted that I might fall back into bad days, but I'll move on from it. There is no shame in experiencing those feelings because it does not mean I have failed.

[mat422]

I think I might be starting to understand how my depression works a lot of the time. I've got my baseline level which isn't as severe. It still messes with my head and makes things difficult. This is the part that I feel is subconscious, I feel it, but I have trouble tying it to anything. This is what tends to wear me down. However, if I fall into the trap of negative thinking I can drag myself down even further. Recently I've been able to keep that persistent negative thinking at bay, but it only serves to stabilize me enough so things don't get worse.

I'm going to be visiting a hypnotherapist soon. I'll see if she can help me with a lot of this stuff. I have a feeling it's tied very strongly to my social anxiety. In life you have to interact with people, and when anxiety makes that incredibly difficult it makes life seem incredibly difficult.

I'm pretty optimistic about it. Although I am worried I'll come back from it unchanged. But these past few days I feel like I've really let go of that fear of the unknown. I want to change because I know the change will make me happy and that overrides my fear that wants to hold me in place.

[Shannon]

I look forward to hearing how the hypnotherapy goes.

[mat422]

Had to skip on the subliminal last night. I got a horrible migraine and the subliminal made that even worse.

Anyway my dad wanted to help me out with what I've been going through so he bought me a book about the law of attraction. I was into that new age stuff when I was around 16, I feel like I digested a ton of it. But back then I took everything said in faith, I wasn't exercising enough skepticism. But these days I find myself turned off by a lot of it because it's not accurate. About a year ago I probably would have just not read this book because I felt I was burned too many times with false promises. But I'm going to read it and see if I can pull out any wisdom. It's not that I don't believe in the law of attraction, I know there are laws governing the universe. It's that over the years many of these writers wanted to condense everything down into simplicity and explain everything with the law of attraction. For example they state bad things only happen because we think of them or subconsciously brought them into our lives. This is true in some cases, but not all cases.

But I'll take this event as a sign in my life and give the book a shot. I'd be foolish to pass up potential knowledge that could help me. I believe the upcoming hypnotherapist appointment was a sign of the law of attraction. My mind never stops searching for answers and I feel I subconsciously direct that energy outwards and it manifests situations into my life. Perhaps that appointment is a small step in an even larger direction. That's how I see it anyway.

As far as results with the subliminal goes. It's still a huge up and down thing. One day I'll be ok. The next day I'll be slammed with this feeling of heaviness that makes me feel paralyzed. It will lessen over the next few days, then hit me again another day. My issue is I'm not sure if I'd be experiencing that even without the subliminal. From my recollection I experienced the same kind of cyclical mood swings when I was younger. It's hard to tell if the subliminal is amplifying it though.

My current plan of action is get a job after visiting the hypnotherapist if she can fix the anxiety. From there scrape together enough cash to buy alpha 5.0. Then get on that immediately. It's been a year since I've run through alpha, I'm definitely due.

Typing this out right now I'm feeling the effects of OFGS. A few nights ago I got strong anxiety when playing the subliminal. But tonight it feels like it's generating a more feel good state. I noticed the worse my mood is, the more the subliminals fill me with anxiety. To the point where I feel like I'm dying almost and in some cases causing insomnia. They can be really rough on me at times.

[mat422]

Been reading that book my Dad got me. At first I didn't think there would be anything of value in it. I felt like I've been through it all. But sometimes it just takes one thing to be a catalyst to experience more change.

I've been thinking about my emotional state lately. Or just overall my state of thoughts and beliefs. I influence myself. My own state of being is my responsibility and my responsibility only. Happiness begins with the belief that I can be happy. If I can't accept that much then I am doomed to be miserable and stuck in the negative. My issue is that if I tell myself I can be happy, I have a knee jerk reaction to say that's false. But through a little experiment I realized just how powerful emotions can influence my own thoughts and beliefs. Instead of trying to say that I'm happy or prove it, I just asked myself what it would be like to be happy for no reason, to drop all the excuses and just accept what a state like that would feel like. And I felt it, I experienced it. So I just went back to the belief that I couldn't be happy and I realized that thought was in direct contradiction with what I experienced.

I realized that I sabotage myself. I'm a stubborn thick headed person at times. I constructed my own reality like a house without a door with me inside, I left myself no options. In a lot of ways it's just arrogance, I felt that I was right, that I was justified, and how dare anyone challenge me on my beliefs. I continually tell myself that beliefs aren't easily changed. And why do I do that? Only because that has been my experience. And also the experiences of thousands of others who say that you can't change who you are, that you need years of therapy, or that change is hard. I have no actual proof that any of those statements are true, I just accepted them as the truth.

There came a point when I stopped and asked myself. Why do I do this to myself? And the answer seemed to be that it was just the way it is, make the best of it and hope it gets better. It has taken up a large portion of my life. In a lot of ways it's all I've ever known, I feel like people told me it could be different but I never believed them.

And when I was growing up my parents told me I could be or do anything I wanted, that the sky was the limit. But over the years you get beat down by fear and at times incredible negativity from others that stings like a knife in the gut. And I stop and wonder, what's wrong with people aiming high? Too many people want to drag you down to their level because they themselves are afraid of failing so they never go for it. They'll tell you to get your head out of the clouds or to be realistic. Screw that, I'd rather fail doing something I love than settle for something and be unhappy.

And the other thing is when it comes to the depression and anxiety. These are things I have struggled with, they've caused me immense pain. I think my reluctance to just drop it all in one day is the fact that these things are tied to my past experiences. To just change one day, I'd feel like I was erasing a part of myself from my memories. I would feel guilty because a part of me deep down still believes that it's the truth and I'll never escape it.

I want to move to a state of being where I'm not battling my negative beliefs. Where I do believe, beyond any doubt, that I can be the person I want to be. I don't want to have to worry about slipping up and falling into depression. I don't want to keep trying to be happy, I just want to be happy. I want to be strong, powerful, confident, and I don't want to feel guilty about thinking I'm putting on an act. I want to be unaffected by anyone's negativity because of being at such a high level of knowing what's possible. And to do that I'm just going to start believing that it is possible, that it's not in the realm of fantasy, and I'll tackle each step along the way but without a doubt I'll get there.