OF - Fluffy Journal

[Fluffy]

Round 3 - Night off 3/3, tonight.

I sorted out my degree and I have now officially got a place, which I am happy about. All plans go go go. I am looking at a few houses/apartments on Tuesday, if we see one we are totally into we will have to nab it up quick.

I tried to nap yesterday in the day, but was unable to, even though feeling exhausted. I have been automatically waking up early in the morning and not being able to sleep in, it is like having a restless feeling even though tired. Kind of strange. It is not a problem though.

Meeting up with some "friends" from my course I did, going around one of their houses and so are the others. Then got my GF staying around mine late evening for a few nights as my parents have gone away. So I have got a few things to enjoy 

[Fluffy]

2 nights out of 6 - Round 4

I noticed I have this thing that I do sometimes it will be easier if I just give a example that just happened recently. So I am in a new city up north, half way point to where I want to move to and I went out to go get myself and my GF a coffee. I was using my Google maps on my phone and following the directions, but it was not easy to be found and I turn back and fourth and then decided to go down this tight alley thinking it will be down there and a guy was sweeping the wet path and said to me "are you lost?" and I told him I was looking for this particular place and looks like it is down this little road judging by this etc he then just pointed over to an ouside sign, that was not down the alley, that they put outside the shop and he just said "over there", and I looked and could see it and I said ahhh yeah and then he just shook his head in disproval then just carried on sweeping and I automatically said sorry as I was walked away. Then I went to where the sign was and the shop was still not there and ask the security guard out side the shop where the coffee shop was and he said it was up stars in that shop, which was totally unexpected. Then I thanked him and proceeded to go through the "exit door" (as there are more strict rules because of you know what) which he asked me politely to not go that way and go the correct way and I did.

This sounds like nothing on one level but ofter these two social situations it made me feel funny, as if I was in the wrong, I don't like automatically apologising for nothing and the fact that the guy shaked his head, over nothing and the silly little thing of me going through the wrong entrance and then somone making me correct myself. It made me feel silly. 

I have come to the conclusion I am not used to being out and about since the whole lockdown thing, so I am thinking I have more social anxiety than normal maybe and the fact I am in a new city up north and everyone has a different accent and my accent stands out and I can tell people know I am not from around here. 

I then went and got coffee and the barrister was friendly and happy and walking around that store I was getting lots of looks from women (I was walking through the women's area though), same with waking through the high street but guys too. It is not too busy as it was just past 9am.

Yeah, I just wanted to note this, as it happens sometimes and I don't like it, but not all the time. 

After the barrister, I was able to not let me thoughts go down the path thinking that people around here are not that friendly etc, I was able to catch myself in going that way, as the way I was feeling was allowing me to realise I am only having thought like that because of the way I am feeling. Then once I got my coffees and went down stairs I was able to at least start to consciously think differently as I know perceptions can easily change and it can seem much bigger and profound than it really is. Depends how I am choosing to interpret the informations I get from my external reality. 

After it happend I thought this would be good to journal down, as I think it is important to keep track of stuff like this in relations to my emotions, thoughts, behavior, reactions as they are all connected to core beliefs, and ultimately rooted fears. It will also help me see how far I have come looking back from the future because I will be able to see, "ah I forgot about that, I don't have that no more". 

It is also best to be honest with one's self, especially being vulnerable. I generally dont mind sharing on here, as I am starting to see being vulnerable (in the right context) as kind of a strength. 

Also, last night when we got to my girlfriends brothers place which we are staying the night as he is not here, as it is a half way point to our destination of looking at places to rent. There was a moment of sudden realisation of the magnitude of the situation of moving out of my parents house, and moving 4 hours drive away (pretty much near the other side of the country, but not quite lol. I started feeling a heavy feeling of sadness, it felt like grief, as if my old life that I have been living, parents place, dogs, brothers, my parents and big beautiful garden etc are gonna die. My girlfriend understood, as she mentions something to me the day or two before and I didn't understand her, and as she did say to me she is grieving her old life and preparing herself. Anyway, I did feel like I wanted to cry and I held it back a few times. It was really interesting as it hit me out of no where. I am thinking as I am away from home now it allows me to tune into being away, easier as... I am away from home right now. 

I feel better today. I knew what I now understand as only a view of something only in a theory form (that I will experience a lot of growth from this move), but now I feel this as a deep knowing, as if I feel the body of essence of the growth as something that is enanmating from within myself rather than externally. I feel connected to it already and I started feeling it when I started mourning last night. Maybe because things are happening now, things are actually happening. Shit is getting real.

[Fluffy]

Round 4 - 1st night off is tonight, out of 3.

This whole looking for a place to rent thing is making me quite stressed. Last Tuesday we drove 3 hours and 50 minutes to look at 4 properties to rent and we only really really liked the last one, so we put in the applications for it and was to hear back after a few days if we got it or not. Unfortunately, we didn't get it. It was a shame as it was perfect for us in every way.

So next time we are gonna do our best to fit in as many as humanly possible. I called up about 17 properties today and I managed to only book in 3 for next Thursday 30th and 1 for the Saturday 1st August, as the rest was either been taken or they are fully booked for viewings. it's is crazy, but this is the first time doing this like this before, it is a new learning experience.

I just don't like the waiting game, even waiting until next week, sucks. And will probably have to stay up there for a few nights so we can see the one on Saturday too. But we intend to pack Thursday and Saturday out.

Sometimes I think it will be easier if I just got shared student accommodation by myself, but then I wouldn't have a girlfriend any more. I just want all this sorted and done. If we got that place we wanted it would have been all done! None of this back and forth travelling. I just feel stressed about it. Little things about my GF annoy me too, and then my mind drifts to how it feels if it was just me solo and the feeling of easiness of it all. But maybe it is because I feel stressed.

One thing I am not liking about the program is the lack of ability to sleep, which seems like in the morning. I just wish I could have a lay in and sleep more, longer, deeper, but I cant. I feel restless even though I want to sleep more.

[Fluffy]

Round 4 - 1 night off out of 3.

Yesterday eventually I decided that I need to get off the topic of houses, come away, take my mind off of it, relax and realign. I have decided I won't think about it for a few days, as it was causing me stress. So yeah gonna chill and relax and play a new game over this weekend and just forget about the outside world and come back Monday to it all refreshed.

Last night I had fear-related dreams. It involved the context of that I had killed someone and had buried them in my garden and I am paranoid about being found out. It was pretty intense. There was even a moment of thinking about even if they didn't find the body for many years, down the line, if someone else moved into my parents place there would be a higher chance someone would come across it through digging that area up and whatnot. After the dreams, the moment I opened my eyes is the moment I felt a huge relief and only then released that I had not killed/buried someone in my garden in the past. I was conscious of that point between believing that I had done that and then realising it was not true as I woke up and opened my eyes, the relief was so immense. 

On my night off last night, the sleep definitely felt more fulfilling, looking forward to the next two nights of sleep!

[Fluffy]

Round 4 completed.

Been feeling weird the last few days off, this is the first time I have actually felt it might be resistance. Lots of doubts surroundings things, irritated at things, also not happy with myself, a sense of inward direction that wished things be different. I feel the stress of the potential move before it has even happened. Surly it is meant to feel good and exciting. I did get that excited feeling for that first house we applied for and everything seemed great and felt so good looking forward to that potential outcome. This is why it is weird now, as it feels like the complete opposite. Pretty sure this feeling is resistance, as I cannot make sense of it.

When I feel like this and perceive things through this way, even though they feel real, I know I can't trust them 100% as they are all based of feelings, and quite not so good feeling ones at that. Based on passed experience, on one side I have a sense that they might be irrational, then on the other I wonder if I am feeling this way for a good reason, if it is trying to tell me something. My safety is that whatever path I choose, there is no wrong option, as each I can learn by and down the line I always have the opportunity to course correct.

Round 5 starts tonight..

[Fluffy]

Completed 6 rounds, I am on night 3 off, out of 3.

I haven't been feeling like writing here, but I am writing now,

- Last few days I have been feeling bored with this subliminal, but maybe I am just bored in life.

- I have been feeling this readyiness to fight feeling, like when I go out I seem to go through scenarios in my mind of people saying stuff to me or starting a fight or things of that nature and I am automatically going through scenarios of what I would do etc.

- An annoyance with certain types of people has increased,

- Tied in with the above I am not letting anyone disrepect me or "have one over me" type feeling, even to my girlfriend recently, it is like "no I am not taking no shit, I dont care who you are" sort of feeling. Obvouslty, if I am mistaken or wrong, there is repercussions. So not ideal in win/win communications.

- My dreams are not as intense as when I first started this subliminal, they are more normal and not as vivid, epic and as in my face. Some still have themes related though. Funny enough last night involved confronting childhood bullies, not caring and ready and willing to fight all 3 of them if I had to, but in the dream they all back off and walked away from me confronting them. Other than this last night, I can't remember the last one that stood out.

- The feeling of disliking people because of their annoyances is not really productive for me, it annoys me more than normal, like it is as if I am feeling angry about it, but not actually angry, it is hard to explain. It is like a strength, but I suppose it would come across like that only in certain situations, other situations would be better with more tact and elegance, that is it ...it feels raw, rough around the edges.

- I have been noticing swear words come out of my mouth, and I am realising it just as they happen, not randomly though haha. I am not a fan of using swear words (I have in the past, until I made a conscious decision to stop it), as I see it as lower class. I dislike it when it happens as soon as I reliase I think damn I am acting like a commoner. I just recently noticed, especially when things get heated. I really dislike it when I swear, makes me feel so low class. I know this sounds snobbish, but I just see it as having high standards and preferences.

- I feel fine about continuing to use OF 5.75 for a minimum of 8 months, I have nothing to run away to anyway.

- One of my concerns is will I be able to learn to smooth the edges and rawness myself?

[KingDavid93]

I have also noticed the “ready to fight” feelings- they have decreased in the last couple of weeks l- but I have also noticed them on past subs, especially on the DMSI line of subs

In the last week or so I have also had more dreams regarding death, dying, etc

I actually had a dream last where I was shot in the stomach and then I died for a bit then I was resuscitated and watched as they pulled the bullet out of me and patched me up

Very interesting stuff

[Fluffy]

Starting round 9 tonight.

Going to twitch to Hybrid from Ultrasonic for a few rounds to mix it up.

I have moved into my own place with my GF and everything is nearly settled, just a few more finishing touches and we can start .... life. Been a busy week indeed.

I am looking forward to starting my degree and I have been organising my mind to prepare for the inevitable.

Some negative things that have come up again recently it's in regards to thinking about other women, a feeling of wanting to experience something new and fresh, for a lack of better words. Entwined with that is the feeling of not finding my GF as attractive, and then also thinking that anything can change in 4 years time and I could have a different life with someone else. The last time this come up was yesterday and I went for a walk and felt free and I picked up all these different vibes of this new area (which is really beautiful and peaceful) and it made me think and feel the potentials of different lives with different people and the feeling of that felt good, free and new and fresh and different. I dont know why this comes up, as it seems to come and go, I am not sure if it is a cause for concern or if it is related to fear of commitment, sticking to one person. Living with someone in this context is a complete new experience for both of us, even just living in my own house is a new experience. So with this new territory there is a lot to naturally and inevitably learn.

[reki]

I do feel weird that I have these issues, that I am 32 years old and I feel these things very strongly, but I don't know where they come from or why I feel them 100% and/or why they come up now. All I do know is that I have had negative experiences in the past (at different ages) with certain types of women (promiscuous ones) and I have had positive experiences with un-promiscuous ones. I am fortunate that after the later negative experiences, I met decent women and had a few LTR with them good women and I think I now associate certain qualities with certain types of women. But on some level even if I can't see if fully right now, I can get that it is not so black and white like my fear wants me to believe and ultimately feel.

Hey man I'm 32 as well and I can partly relate to some of your experiences in my previous relationship. I'm probably even worse. I gave her pretty much everything and I was so insecure. Back then I was in the peak of myself physically. Great body, looks and what not but deep inside I lack confidence and am so scared of losing here. She ended up cheating on me. Good thing I had the guts back then to dump her ass. Nowadays I look worse due to being sick for almost a year now but her being out of my life is one of the best things that has happened to me. Deep inside there is still some anger and resentment towards her but that's what I am working on with my EPHRA (E1 5g) sub. From what I have read OF 5.75g does some awesome shit and you're in good hands. I myself just living life each every single day. Negative shit hits my head as well probably hourly but f--- that. One thing I learned about being sick is that my life can end tomorrow so no more time thinking about negative thoughts and just live in the moment. Looking forward to your updates since I might try OF 5.75g as well in the future. Maybe it will help me get my ass to conquer my fear of heights and I'll visit Mount Everest soon. But first off I've got to heal and live in the present from now on. I wish all the best to you my man.

[Fluffy]

@reki Thanks man, I appreciate it.

Round 9 - Day 5,

I have been experiencing lots of ups and downs in my emotions lately. I felt inspired to happy for a part-time job, and everything was going well and then I found out about logistics and realised I wouldn't be able to get back home, I had a call planned with the manager and I said I would start straight away, but then found out the logistics and was in a real big indecisive dilemma as I could see lots of pros and cons to taking the job, I seriously did know what to do. I didn't know if my reasons were valid or if I was backing out of it for other reasons, my emotions made me cloudy and super indecisive. In the end, I didn't phone him but just messages the guy as that is how we were exchanging messages beforehand (I was the one that suggested a phone call), I just said to him I won't be able to get back home as there is no trains or busses running at 12:30 am, which is a fact. He replied back what if you finished at 12:00 am, but I told him there are no trains at that time, and the last bus is at 22:30.... and that was the end of that. I was surprised how is shook up all my emotions and I got huge anxiety over it. After I send the messages and it was done with I did feel a weight off my shoulders, but I didn't feel 100% right.

I ended up joining a gym even though it is out of my budget, but I have to do my strength training, just for personal sanity and wellbeing, I have been feeling it since I haven't trained in 4 weeks. I tried some bodyweight training at home, but it just doesn't cut it in terms of the feeling I get and my goals. 

As I have been feeling weird lately in regards to lots of things, pretty much my whole life. Last night in bed my partner said something to me and it made me dislike her and we had a little burst of tension between us, I even said out loud to my self and to her as she was next to me, in frustration "Why did I get into this situation with you!" obviously referring to moving in together etc. I then couldn't find my phone and was trying to find it on the bed and she was getting annoyed with me and threw a few names at me, when I finally found my phone I put on my sleephones and went to sleep eventually, after feeling a lot of mixed negative emotions, it took me a while to calm down. I was going over in how I can get out of this, I could just leave.....but we have a 6-month contract. I then contemplated moving into shared student accommodation and with contemplating that I started feeling some relief, of being able to get out of this situation for numerous reasons. In the morning my mind was on it again and going over everything and pretty much feeling the idea of moving out. Eventually, I said to my partner, do you want me just move out? and she said you can do what you want, I said would you be able to hold your own with this place and she said obviously not, I said well we just have to put up with each other for 6 months then, I then turned over to sleep much much much more. We haven't spoken today since. I mean if anything by 6 months we will know and have the option to go our separate ways. I can't believe I am saying all this, to be honest, all this is just so surreal.

Obviously my partner has lots and lots of positive qualities, and us being together has wonderful qualities but at this moment I only focusing on the opposite. But just for the record and being honest, these things are happening in my mind:

I have a feeling of wanting to have sex with other women, I literally see other women out there (ones I find attractive) and inside I am thinking/feeling I would love to have sex with that. 

If we both went our separate ways, I would be free, I would only have to put up with myself.

In regards to university, in the 3rd year I could freely go study abroad.

I am 32 and this all could be grass is greener on the other side sort of thing. But I know these things are what is causing my resistance. 

On the flip side:

There have been lots of moments where we feel really connected with one another.

Believe it or not, she is my best and only true friend. 

When everything is good between us, we feel like a good team.

There are lots of things where we get and understand each other, and it is balanced out with things in opposition, which allows for growth.  

Sex is good and she is always up for it, but on my side, I don't think I will be able to ever get rid of that feeling of wanting something new and "fresh". 

I was married once in my early 20s, for 4 years. We lived together with my parents. When that ended it was pretty rough emotionally for quite a while, took me quite a bit of time to get over it. But I was the one that wanted to end it, but it still hurt and took me a while to get over it. I just don't want to make the same mistake or go through all that again.

[Fluffy]

Round 9 - Day 6

Cureently I am thinking about stopping OF.5.75 and move onto something else. I have certain goals that it is not helping me with in terms of changing my beliefs to be able to make my life a certain way, and knowing I cannot mix methods whilst using Shannon's subliminal, I wont be able to continue it and use different methods. I fancy a change by focusing on a different area, it feels more exciting then continuing to use OF5.75.