OF - Fluffy Journal

[Fluffy]

I intend to start OF 5.75 tonight and use it for at least 8 months.

I wanted to start this journal as I wanted to write some things that I have been having emotional challenges with, so I can then look back and have an accurate idea if I no longer see these or feel about these things in the same way.

When I think of the ones I will list the root of it is seeing someone or something as a threat, which I suppose is what makes me feel them horrible feelings which I guess is what one would call fear. I can totally understand how it can be irrational and logically don't make sense, but when experiencing the feelings it is challenging to get out of that, because it feels real, and as if it is warning me of something important...basically putting a particular negative meaning on something.  

Some of the things that bring up fear (or feeling like there is a threat):

• Thinking of my partner having sex or even finding someone else attractive and/or them even having thoughts of them doing anything of a sexual nature with someone else. Two things come to mind with this, 1) I don't want a girlfriend like that 2) I don't see the point of being in a monogamous relationship if that his how she is 3) I don't want to feel this fear and not listen to it and think it is only in my mind, but in actual reality it is true and I am being deceived. Obviously, I can think I am doing these things for a very good reason, because of my standards and preferences, but if it is all irrational and not true and real, then it is not good on many levels and unneeded. 
  

• Thinking of my girlfriend watching porn and getting off to other guys, especially when I found out that in the past she used to like the lots of guys and one girl scenario. She said she doesn't watch porn any more and don't want to watch porn. But when the topic comes up, I feel the feelings of fear, thinking of her getting off to other guys. 
  

• When we get onto the conversation of guys with big cocks, especially a particular race that is known to have big cocks and she outwardly expresses this fact as true, not through experience but because of her friends, and without a doubt, anyone can easily see that through porn. What makes it worse is her facial expression when she thinks about it, she is smiling smirking, slight laugh when she says it, and it kills and I feel the fear even more. I see/feel this as a threat (fear) as if because someone has a bigger cock they are superior and I am inferior and that they are better than me, and feel my girlfriend would see the same. Even though when I am fully erect and rock hard, I am pretty decent and when I am rock hard I am happy with my size (I even think I am pretty big and feel proud). When I am not rock hard that is a different story. 
  

• Thinking about my girlfriend having a period of casual sex in the past. We have never talked about numbers, but at the beginning, I think I didn't want to know when it came up and that was it, but 10 months later I suddenly realised she had a period of casual sex (when travelling abroad numerous times) and it really hit me and I felt all this fear (threat). I still don't know the number and I don't think it is productive to know, but I was able to ease feelings of it a bit by realising that it was many years ago and one of her LTRs was before me and there was only 1 guy she slept with after that, before me.
  

Out of the above, my girlfriend knows that I have felt, feel this stuff around these topics, apart from the big cock one as I have just never mentioned it for whatever reason that is. We have talked about this stuff, as we are really close and we do have a genuine relationship and it does feel pretty healthy and I do genuinely trust her, love her and want to be with her and I know deeply that she wants to be with me, she trusts me and we see a long term future together, as we are planning to move across the country and move in together as I start a degree in September.

I just know I have these issues above and more, in multitude of different subjects and topics, but these ones I have felt very strongly recently hence why I write the above, and the pain I feel is not nice at all, as if it feels like I am under attack when I go into these topics, it feels like there is a threat to me on some level. I would love to be able to feel neutral about these topics and just think logical and at the same time feel 100% safe. 

I do feel weird that I have these issues, that I am 32 years old and I feel these things very strongly, but I don't know where they come from or why I feel them 100% and/or why they come up now. All I do know is that I have had negative experiences in the past (at different ages) with certain types of women (promiscuous ones) and I have had positive experiences with un-promiscuous ones. I am fortunate that after the later negative experiences, I met decent women and had a few LTR with them good women and I think I now associate certain qualities with certain types of women. But on some level even if I can't see if fully right now, I can get that it is not so black and white like my fear wants me to believe and ultimately feel.

Writing this and rereading this activates all this stuff within me, so I am going to do my best to get off these topics now. I really do hope that Overcome Fear 5.75G helps me to be free of this kind of fear and anything else will be a bonus. I just want to feel good, I want to be good to everyone too, and I know the only thing that causes the separation is fear and feeling that there is a threat.

[Shannon]

Out of the above, my girlfriend knows that I have felt, feel this stuff around these topics, apart from the big weewee one as I have just never mentioned it for whatever reason that is. We have talked about this stuff, as we are really close and we do have a genuine relationship and it does feel pretty healthy and I do genuinely trust her, love her and want to be with her and I know deeply that she wants to be with me, she trusts me and we see a long term future together, as we are planning to move across the country and move in together as I start a degree in September.

Do you really think you can "genuinely trust her" and you can have these fears and insecurities at the same time?  Because I have news for you.  Fear does not result from genuine trust.  

Give it some time with OF, and you'll start seeing the magnolia unfold.

[Fluffy]

Out of the above, my girlfriend knows that I have felt, feel this stuff around these topics, apart from the big weewee one as I have just never mentioned it for whatever reason that is. We have talked about this stuff, as we are really close and we do have a genuine relationship and it does feel pretty healthy and I do genuinely trust her, love her and want to be with her and I know deeply that she wants to be with me, she trusts me and we see a long term future together, as we are planning to move across the country and move in together as I start a degree in September.

Do you really think you can "genuinely trust her" and you can have these fears and insecurities at the same time?  Because I have news for you.  Fear does not result from genuine trust.  

Give it some time with OF, and you'll start seeing the magnolia unfold.

Yeah, I see your point. They cannot occupy the same space. I suppose when these fears come up in the moment I perceive something negative and give it a negative meaning and thus my trust is not there. What I mean to say, I trust her as a person overall when I am not being triggered. Obviously, when I get triggered I don't. I don't feel this stuff 24/7 there are lots of moments where it is not there, but certain subjects trigger it. Since we have been together the majority of the time, I trust her. But it has to be said that just because I feel a lack of trust in regards to her, it does not mean she is actually untrustworthy, as I can also see how fear distorts my perception, thoughts and feelings, and a lot of this stuff is my own fears and insecurities and they are just imagined threats, even though they feel real. So I think on some level I know if I didn't have these I would trust her fully all the time. So in some weird way, it seems it is nothing to do with her, but it is me. The only way I will genuinely experience this fully, is if I remove the fears.

I also feel stuff being triggered not just from watching certain types of tv shows, (I have to avoid certain types) but even from scrolling through Netflix and seeing the covers of the movies and tv series, I can be triggered. Which is totally not normal. What is even more strange, I don't feel it when I scroll through Amazon Prime Video.  

If I didn't trust her at all, I wouldn't be in a relationship with her. I also know if anyone cheated on me, it is over, no going back. They have made their bed, they have shown their true colours, they have shown me who they really are and a partner that is unfaithful is not one of my preferences in a partner. Logically I can see that yeah it might hurt lots for quite a while especially if you love them etc but technically they have done me a favour because they have shown me who they really are. 

I will let you know how it goes, and thanks for your response Shannon, it allowed me to question how I am thinking and get some more clarity on this.

[Shannon]

I have been in those shoes. That's why I pointed it out. You're most of the way there. Just a short way left to go. The key is letting go and letting the chips fall where they may, and being okay with it whatever happens. If she's trustworthy it will work. If not, you didn't want her anyway. Let her go and find the right one for you.

[Fluffy]

I am still in bed and still listening, I have pretty much 1 LOOP and a bit to go.

Ultrasonic, flac, mobile phone, 13/15 clicks, on pillow next to me. 


My first night was interesting, very different. The night felt long. At the start of playing it and turning over to sleep, I did have a moment of feeling a slight fear, like losing control, not crazy strong, but I noticed It and acknowledged it. 

Dream

I had a few dreams, but the one I just had was very related to the program. It was getting dark and I was driving in a car and my girlfriend was a passenger and we was on a desert kind of road, with lots of long roads. I took a turn at one road and followed it round, I was going a pretty swift speed and then my girlfriend said I missed the turn and that I am driving into a one way road, so I slammed on the brakes and started to reverse and turn. A car was speeding behind me and had to slam on their breaks but then I realised I reversed too far and my car was backing of a deep high canyon. My car started to fall and dread filled my being knowing that I have made a mistake and I/we are falling to my/our death. During the fall I was saying noooo, as I didn't want to die. I had nothing left to do but wait for inevitable impact. I kept waiting and waiting and at this point I felt I had my eyes closed and I started to feel burning sensations all over my body, I realised I didn't feel the impact, but assumed these burning sensations were from the explosion and this was it, my death. I was then pleading something like don't let this be true, I want to be alive etc.... Then after some time amongst feeling the burning sensations, I felt compelled to open my eyes and as I did I realised I was in my bed, in my bedroom and I felt a sudden relief that I was alive.

[ncbeareatingman]

I am still in bed and still listening, I have pretty much 1 LOOP and a bit to go.

Ultrasonic, flac, mobile phone, 13/15 clicks, on pillow next to me. 


My first night was interesting, very different. The night felt long. At the start of playing it and turning over to sleep, I did have a moment of feeling a slight fear, like losing control, not crazy strong, but I noticed It and acknowledged it. 

Dream

I had a few dreams, but the one I just had was very related to the program. It was getting dark and I was driving in a car and my girlfriend was a passenger and we was on a desert kind of road, with lots of long roads. I took a turn at one road and followed it round, I was going a pretty swift speed and then my girlfriend said I missed the turn and that I am driving into a one way road, so I slammed on the brakes and started to reverse and turn. A car was speeding behind me and had to slam on their breaks but then I realised I reversed too far and my car was backing of a deep high canyon. My car started to fall and dread filled my being knowing that I have made a mistake and I/we are falling to my/our death. During the fall I was saying noooo, as I didn't want to die. I had nothing left to do but wait for inevitable impact. I kept waiting and waiting and at this point I felt I had my eyes closed and I started to feel burning sensations all over my body, I realised I didn't feel the impact, but assumed these burning sensations were from the explosion and this was it, my death. I was then pleading something like don't let this be true, I want to be alive etc.... Then after some time amongst feeling the burning sensations, I felt compelled to open my eyes and as I did I realised I was in my bed, in my bedroom and I felt a sudden relief that I was alive.

Man this is some purdy STRONG fear remover..dealing with that heavy shit,pretty much right off,a like a huge Boulder of Fear being dealt with...wow. reminds me of doing a physical  health detox of the body,purging old crap and stuff out. powerful & impressive. keep going,keep sharing. yawl are courage warriors!!

[Fluffy]

I am still in bed and still listening, I have pretty much 1 LOOP and a bit to go.

Ultrasonic, flac, mobile phone, 13/15 clicks, on pillow next to me. 


My first night was interesting, very different. The night felt long. At the start of playing it and turning over to sleep, I did have a moment of feeling a slight fear, like losing control, not crazy strong, but I noticed It and acknowledged it. 

Dream

I had a few dreams, but the one I just had was very related to the program. It was getting dark and I was driving in a car and my girlfriend was a passenger and we was on a desert kind of road, with lots of long roads. I took a turn at one road and followed it round, I was going a pretty swift speed and then my girlfriend said I missed the turn and that I am driving into a one way road, so I slammed on the brakes and started to reverse and turn. A car was speeding behind me and had to slam on their breaks but then I realised I reversed too far and my car was backing of a deep high canyon. My car started to fall and dread filled my being knowing that I have made a mistake and I/we are falling to my/our death. During the fall I was saying noooo, as I didn't want to die. I had nothing left to do but wait for inevitable impact. I kept waiting and waiting and at this point I felt I had my eyes closed and I started to feel burning sensations all over my body, I realised I didn't feel the impact, but assumed these burning sensations were from the explosion and this was it, my death. I was then pleading something like don't let this be true, I want to be alive etc.... Then after some time amongst feeling the burning sensations, I felt compelled to open my eyes and as I did I realised I was in my bed, in my bedroom and I felt a sudden relief that I was alive.

Man this is some purdy STRONG fear remover..dealing with that heavy shit,pretty much right off,a like a huge Boulder of Fear being dealt with...wow. reminds me of doing a physical  health detox of the body,purging old crap and stuff out. powerful & impressive. keep going,keep sharing. yawl  are courage warriors!!

Thanks Keith, will do man 


3 nights.... Obviously early days for me to accurately say what it is doing or what is in response to the program, but I'll give it a try...

I feel my brain is working, not in a typical mental way though. I can nap in day like usual but I feel kind of restless at the same time. I am sleeping more and it seems I have less energy to physically train, but... it is very hot. There are moments through out the day that I don't know what to do, and don't feel like doing what I usually do. 

I did sun bathe for 3 hours yesterday and I now look like a lobster. I am not saying it is related to the program, but I don't care about being burnt I never really have, but haven't made time to deliberately sun bathe in quite a while. 

After the first night, my mind did go into an active working on scenerios in regards to moving. I originally wasn't going to take my "stuff" stored here at my parents house when I move as it reminded me of the past, but after the first night of listening I was in the shower and actually started thinking differently about it and decided it would help me and my girlfriend a lot if I took all my stuff. After speaking with her it turns out what I have, she doesn't have and vice versa, so we pretty much have everything we need furniture, appliances, utensils wise etc. Which will save money and the stress of needing to buy it all. 

The 2nd day, but dad asked if I am going to take my car when I move as my girlfriend has a car too. My immediate reaction was why wouldn't I and could list lots of reasons why it made sense to take my car and that was it. But about 5 hours later I was sitting outside and I could see my car in the distance and started pondering the side of selling my car and going into that scenerio untill it was an actual possibility.

Unfortunately yesterday I got an email from the college I did a 1 year course with, saying I have outstanding balance with them. Originally when I enrolled last year, I had two options, pay the sum all up front (£3000), or pay in monthly installments. I chose to pay in monthly installments, which should of started coming out monthly back in September 2019, but they never did and as it got towards the end I was actually thinking I was gonna get a way without paying. 

I mean the mistake is on their part as they should of been taking out in installments every month, and I would of been paying it and it would of been payed. I mentioned this in the reply and asked are they telling me that I have to pay the full lump sum. I stopped working back in April and I don't have £3000 just laying around waiting to be spent. So litterly the only way I can pay that is if I sell my car. I didn't want to make and choose the decision like this and would of preferred to sell my car with the original idea of getting all the money (I could sell my car for £5500-£6000). 

So yeah I mean it is what is, but I hoping that they will be understanding, as the whole reason I chose installments to begin with is to make it easier in paying. It don't make sense they expect me to just pay it all in one go, when they have made the mistake of not taking it out in installments all this time. 

Oh well it is what it is and I can only do what I can do, nothing more nothing less. Hopefully I can still get my final grades results in 3 weeks time like planned, as I have to meet my offer for the BA degree I intend to do. 

Dreams

2nd night
I dreamed of being in a store and somone busting through with a machine gun and going to rob the place and everyone in there including me, and me having thoughts that there is no way I going to give over my wallet and thinking if I see an opportunity I am going to take it. 

3rd night
Last night, I actually got bitten by a snake at home and my mother and me rushing around calling the emergency services and getting ready to take me to hospital. It was pretty much If I didn't get there in time I would die or at least lose my arm.

[Fluffy]

4 nights... Changed to 12/15 clicks volume wise.

Haven't felt that strong urge to do my workouts this week, thinking it is because of the lobster like sun burn, the really hot heat and slight nausea I had yesterday, but I am wondering actually how much me working out is based in fear, and If it is, what does it look like without it?

Dreams
Still involving fear based stuff, another one included snakes again but I was able to avoid being bitten, and also being stung by scorpions. I had another where by me and my girlfriend were swimming in the sea and she wanted to swim out much further, but I didn't feel confident enough to do that. I think it was touching on fear of drowning (unless it was more metaphorical), as I can only swim breast stroke, so not exactly the strongest swimmer in the world. And I have had the same scenario in real life with different people about 6 years ago, where I had to turn back as my stamina was going, if I didn't I would of drowned.

[Fluffy]

I ended up doing my training today in the end.

I have been walking around without my top on (around family members) because of my sunburn, and I actually felt indifferent about it, like I didn't care. Where as before I would always make sure to cover up.

Question
I got tonight and Friday night left before my nights off, and tomorrow I will be sleeping around my girlfriends. I am just wondering is there any harm if I listen with the same set up ultrasonic on phone when sleeping next to my girlfriend? I mean currently she will only be exposed now and then, like once or twice a week. I was thinking of using sleep phones, but using my phone with ultrasonic is just so damn easy. I am in two minds, I will obviously do whatever I feel like doing when it comes to it, just want to know if it is okay if I do in this context?

[Shannon]

I ended up doing my training today in the end.

I have been walking around without my top on (around family members) because of my sunburn, and I actually felt indifferent about it, like I didn't care. Where as before I would always make sure to cover up.

Question
I got tonight and Friday night left before my nights off, and tomorrow I will be sleeping around my girlfriends. I am just wondering is there any harm if I listen with the same set up ultrasonic on phone when sleeping next to my girlfriend? I mean currently she will only be exposed now and then, like once or twice a week. I was thinking of using sleep phones, but using my phone with ultrasonic is just so damn easy. I am in two minds, I will obviously do whatever I feel like doing when it comes to it, just want to know if it is okay if I do in this context?

If she is exposed, you'll both be projecting DRS which may make it unusually warm sleeping in the same bed.

Otherwise, whatever value she gets from exposure will probably be nullified in the not too distant future as the fears regenerate themselves because they were not dealt with fully, since she didn't get the proper level of exposure. 

Those are your only real considerations.

[Fluffy]

Thanks, Shannon.

Round 1 - 1 night off, out of 3.

I ended up listening to it in the usual way, and the funny thing is as soon as I put it on, my girlfriend heard it and was like what is that and started searching around to find the source until she got near me and my phone in hand haha. She must have a super-sensitive hearing because as soon as I pressed play, she was on it. She wanted me to turn it off at first, but once I  explained to her what it was, she was cool with it playing.

Based on one of last nights dreams, I feel like the program must be numbing or blocking stuff in the day and sorting it out when I sleep. As the dream touched on one of my insecurities, but this week it hasn't been there in my awareness as strong and intense as it was before, but in the dream it was, but when I woke up I felt detached from it somewhat, but at the same time it felt like it was being worked on. It is very interesting indeed. I have been really looking forward to hitting play each night. It was cool having a night off last night and I am interested to see how the next two nights off will be,  being able to recharge without input is a positive aspect. Looking forward to starting round two though.

All in all, I have enjoyed round one, I am finding it interesting and I am looking forward to seeing how it unfolds. A part of me doesn't want to get my hopes up to high, but I suppose we will see as the months' progress.

Being with my girlfriend since Friday till Sunday was a pleasant experience and none of my insecurities got triggered in an overpowering way that would make me react irrationally. I was aware of a few instances (thoughts based on externals), but they didn't have much power over me so I could much more be just aware of them rather than seeing RED!

I have never used the DRS, but there was a moment where we were talking and there was a slight misunderstanding, but I could see there was a misunderstanding as to my girlfriend's response, her facial expression and the fact she wanted to immediately change the subject, but before this situation in the past It would have made me react, but this time I could observe what was going on (without being triggered, in reaction to her reacting). It was so cool because I could observe what was going on with the situation and her reaction, but I did not react in return and I could just logically see the situation for what it was and then just talk to her and calmly explain and resolve the misunderstanding in a piece of cake way.

I also became aware of interactions with my family members especially my mother. The same kind of thing where they would react a certain way, and then that would trigger me to react etc. Well in this situation I noticed I said something that would normally get a reaction, but she didn't react in her trigger way, to which I then didn't because she didn't etc.  It was really obvious to me when it happened, it was like this is weird.

I think I have witnessed the shield bouncing back stuff, but I think I will need more time to experience situations of that nature to say 100% with examples, as it is a new experience for me. But yeah I have noticed some changes.

I have always wondered why when someone reacts in a negative way why do I feel their reaction super strongly and then it makes me react. What I am noticing with the situations above, this program is getting its hands right in there and changing this exact phenomenon I have always wondered about.

[Fluffy]

2 Nights off. 

Today I have noticed certain negative feelings coming back in relation to topics that would trigger me before. So whatever was numbing it, covering it or whatever, has faded as I have felt it again today and I noticed It was easier to think about it more. 


In some ways it is good, as I don't want unrealistic expectations, as it has only been one round!

But I will definitely be able to know if it is helping me in the long term, especially on days off, as I know what I feel normally in regards to these certain topics.

It is definitely fear related though, so looking forward to seeing what happens.

[Shannon]

You guys think that OF is "numbing" or "covering" your fears. It's not. It's dissolving them. But they are able to regenerate, which is why when you take days off, you start seeing the effects of them again. The rest period is necessary for continuing on, but the progress is not lost; we still make positive progress with each cycle of listening to rest. In the beginning, it will most likely be the most obvious and difficult. Over time, with many cycles, I theorize that the effects will come to flow into a continuous state of calm and freedom from fear.

Numbing and covering fear is not useful for removing it. We are removing it.

[Hanpan]

You guys think that OF is "numbing" or "covering" your fears.  It's not.  It's dissolving them.  But they are able to regenerate, which is why when you take days off, you start seeing the effects of them again.  The rest period is necessary for continuing on, but the progress is not lost; we still make positive progress with each cycle of listening to rest.  In the beginning, it will most likely be the most obvious and difficult.  Over time, with many cycles, I theorize that the effects will come to flow into a continuous state of calm and freedom from fear.

Numbing and covering fear is not useful for removing it.  We are removing it.

100 % think this is true. 

I did great for the first six days. Today was my first day back on after my three days off. I had a few hours where I felt really strange - like something was happening underneath the surface. After this incident everything got back to normal and was smooth for the rest of the day.