NEXT ROUND

[blackwing Z]

Yea it feels crazy, but fortunately since it's bjj I can practice and drill techniques instead of tiring myself out by rolling. The 12 last week felt intense.

I am trying to eat healthy and take wheat grass greens powder type stuff. Also maca is good

[blackwing Z]

Shit.. I only got like 12 hours total this week jiu jitsu again... but I found a new opportunity for training more hours. Will definitely act on it. Also learning so fast. Made a few buddies there too.

The dreams I'm having are very emotional and related to old traumas...
I get lesson on lesson in real life yesterday. It's bizarre.

[blackwing Z]

4 hours towards bjj goal today. Getting way better.

One of guys I rolled with last time noticed I got way better since last class I saw him.

Secret was I finally gave in to the art. No force, no struggle... just flow. But damn my brain is fried now.

[blackwing Z]

Lesson on lesson.

One hell of a week. zero bjj. Gonna come back more strong.

Feeling mistreated at work. That's about to change. Believe me.

I had a feeling of defeat... but I must remember why I go through all this pain... it's to actually get better and have a better life/existence. That starts with learning from the shit and moving on and making improvements.

It's been a month, and I missed 2 days, so I have to make up for it another 4. So... one more week.

[blackwing Z]

Longest most painful month of am6. Maybe a bum rush of all previous stages being held back by ap code?

Eager for MLS. Anxiety, depression, fear, frustration, growth, progress, setbacks.. will actually make a report later

[Benjamin]

Hahahaha... i'm laughing my ass off here because I accidentally misread it as a 'bum rash'.

[blackwing Z]

So first month complete. Now...

I have to find an apartment within a week.
I need to catch up at work... focus is difficult.
Launching a product soon and my team needs me.

Do I switch to MLS 5.5g? Or continue raping myself with AM6?

[kalmah0804]

You should definitely not quit AM6. I have done that multiple times and always find myself keeping coming back to it--better to get the full run out of the way now and then move onto MLS, which will always be there as time goes on.

[blackwing Z]

Okay mental rape it is! Lmao

[blackwing Z]

Day 5 Stage 2,

After deciding to run the course fully, regardless of my dire need for MLS (presumably it works), I have decided to actually contribute something for a change.

Stage 1 has hit me full force with emotions and disrupted a few negative cycles (in particular the cycle of disagreeing -> fighting -> crying). Another disrupted cycle was that of not acting upon injustice. As a result I have plucked the snakes out of my garden per se; two of them to be exact. Both were dealt with through public outbursts (which is a great way to scare off a snake). I have regained some ground in self-respect, and tend to stand up for myself and those I care for. Now is all this possibly placebo? It very well could be.

Now as for my fighting goals... I have managed to stick to BJJ for over a month and week and get promoted. Today alone, I have pulled some moves that felt so beautiful, so raw, so primal. However, good things do not last, and I was quickly reminded of how much more training is required: I was paired with a monster and got humbled. Although, no matter how many times I tapped to him, I got back in there to try again with full heart. It is tough to have no immediate response to a problem, other than years of training. Month by dreaded month, I will get there. As for the hours, I can get about 8-12 consistently. Not at all satisfactory for me, but other priorities for now.

As much as I don't want to write about my pains and complaints, I do have to mention that I am going through a fierce mental struggle on how to dedicate my life. I.e... ->What do I want to focus on? -> Why not do both? -> Won't my effectiveness suffer? -> I want to become THE master. -> Can't burnout. I need a life. -> I don't want to take forever to reach my goals. -> Do just one goal. -> Which ONE? -> Fighting? -> But I started so late -> Not that late, can still do it. What about my other goal? -> Can still pursue it while working -> But it's so painstakingly slow...

As you can see, MLS would be heaven for me, but I promised.

Anyways, I have become much more attuned to social environments and details. Watching Game of Thrones helps. Losing my fear of failure possibly contributes to this as well. Oh the countless times I have failed this past month and still survived...

If I could change one thing though, it would be the hostility I receive from some. Road rage counts have gone up (and not from my end). One drunk tried to fight me and his friends immediately held him back. The last week of stage 1 felt like a giant test to see if I learned anything. If this is the easy stage, I DONT want to imagine the "BIG GUNS". What will happen then? Slight anxiety attacks here and there which have subsided by now... as you can see why I would get them...

Also no sex with girlfriend for two weeks. No fap for longer. Some withdrawals too.

Last thing I noticed, which I know is resistance, is my recent addiction to sugar and caffeine. Will take care of that soon.

[Benjamin]

The conflict you're attracting I noticed atleast for me it was mostly in Stage 1 and 2 of each version of AM.

I don't know what it is, but in the early stages it would bring on aggression from other guys just staring me down or other things. I remember on AM6 down the street some guy just glaring at me like he wanted to smash me and walking right towards me then followed me and stopped when I weaved in between a car because I was aware of what was going on. I found it mostly happened in nightclubs more than anything, as it's the environment for it.. you know just add alcohol and people act unpredictably.

Then in the later stages, especially on the second run I just wasn't attracting it, and started doing security again and I was way more centered in myself and any aggression that did happen I was calm and centered enough to shut it down that way without resorting to the physical like I used to way too much.

[blackwing Z]

That reminds me : I had one instance where I caught my anger brewing early on and held myself back from doing something stupid. I am proud of that. Generally my sentiment is to say screw it and go off of emotion, even if it is costly to me. I have been trying not to "self-sabotage" (keyword).

Today exhaustion hit me hard. I was damn near stumbling on words towards end of work day. Also felt some frustration about feeling "retarded" although I may just not communicate properly or be overtly tired from subs.

After my nap, I plan to do something productive.

STILL on no fap. Gave up 30DaysOfDiscipline challenge ages ago. Considering it again. Hopefully the more and more I bombard myself with, the more sticks. I can use AM6 to gather as much knowledge as possible and then MLS to EDUCE something pretty.

[blackwing Z]

30 hours is insane but you'll be a beast. I'm clocking 12-15 hours of Thai each week and it's absolutely grueling on my body. Was getting so burned out that I actually cut some hours this week. Probably only hitting around eight. You taking anything for recovery?

I've been burning out with 30 too, so I am dropping hours lower. For now atleast. Perhaps I'll have more energy/ time management later.

[blackwing Z]

For sure it's a result of my IDGAF attitude years ago, but my social media and presentation of myself are unacceptable. I want to excel.