07-18-2018, 05:31 PM
After running DMSI 2 months, facing a growing resistance and having it affect the "security" of me being loving towards females close to me, I pulled off it. I used E2 a few days with good results.......but something was digging in me. It felt very similar to my UD days, like a truth was trying to be let out, so I switched over to UD, knowing it was focused primarily on that. I'm on it not seeking a feel-good, but a truth, many truths in fact, where the avoidance is showing consequences in my life.
I've been on UD about 1 1/2 weeks so far, and like before, anger is slowly growing. If I was lying (to myself), I'd say "it's THEIR fault". But just today I'm realizing I am doing this. Out of survival or whatever, I'm doing this: "if I'm obedient, they'll love me". I'm seeing this with my boss, and I did the same with my wife when we were married. It drains me.
Tied to that, I'm seeing how I've lived and hid in a fantasy most of my life. When I've been s*** on, I'd lie to myself, try to understand them, anything but face my feelings. Anything but feel and be responsible for those feelings. For I may grieve I'd lost something, I may be angry at myself, and the addiction cycle makes so much sense now. "If I run to this, I'll never have to face that!" It's encouraging writing that.
I may be about to break past my present emotional holds I've had in place. I'm not "happy", but I am grateful to have and use UD. I'm not happy presently since I'm seeing myself being used, it's angering me, and I'm seeing how I've "balooned" dangers in my head, just to not really face reality. I'll get through this. I'll go through it. I'll cry some, rage some, but feelings won't kill me. They may actually free me. Those are beautiful days
I've been on UD about 1 1/2 weeks so far, and like before, anger is slowly growing. If I was lying (to myself), I'd say "it's THEIR fault". But just today I'm realizing I am doing this. Out of survival or whatever, I'm doing this: "if I'm obedient, they'll love me". I'm seeing this with my boss, and I did the same with my wife when we were married. It drains me.
Tied to that, I'm seeing how I've lived and hid in a fantasy most of my life. When I've been s*** on, I'd lie to myself, try to understand them, anything but face my feelings. Anything but feel and be responsible for those feelings. For I may grieve I'd lost something, I may be angry at myself, and the addiction cycle makes so much sense now. "If I run to this, I'll never have to face that!" It's encouraging writing that.
I may be about to break past my present emotional holds I've had in place. I'm not "happy", but I am grateful to have and use UD. I'm not happy presently since I'm seeing myself being used, it's angering me, and I'm seeing how I've "balooned" dangers in my head, just to not really face reality. I'll get through this. I'll go through it. I'll cry some, rage some, but feelings won't kill me. They may actually free me. Those are beautiful days
I want to be FREE!