07-26-2017, 07:35 PM
Day 5 Stage 2,
After deciding to run the course fully, regardless of my dire need for MLS (presumably it works), I have decided to actually contribute something for a change.
Stage 1 has hit me full force with emotions and disrupted a few negative cycles (in particular the cycle of disagreeing -> fighting -> crying). Another disrupted cycle was that of not acting upon injustice. As a result I have plucked the snakes out of my garden per se; two of them to be exact. Both were dealt with through public outbursts (which is a great way to scare off a snake). I have regained some ground in self-respect, and tend to stand up for myself and those I care for. Now is all this possibly placebo? It very well could be.
Now as for my fighting goals... I have managed to stick to BJJ for over a month and week and get promoted. Today alone, I have pulled some moves that felt so beautiful, so raw, so primal. However, good things do not last, and I was quickly reminded of how much more training is required: I was paired with a monster and got humbled. Although, no matter how many times I tapped to him, I got back in there to try again with full heart. It is tough to have no immediate response to a problem, other than years of training. Month by dreaded month, I will get there. As for the hours, I can get about 8-12 consistently. Not at all satisfactory for me, but other priorities for now.
As much as I don't want to write about my pains and complaints, I do have to mention that I am going through a fierce mental struggle on how to dedicate my life. I.e... ->What do I want to focus on? -> Why not do both? -> Won't my effectiveness suffer? -> I want to become THE master. -> Can't burnout. I need a life. -> I don't want to take forever to reach my goals. -> Do just one goal. -> Which ONE? -> Fighting? -> But I started so late -> Not that late, can still do it. What about my other goal? -> Can still pursue it while working -> But it's so painstakingly slow...
As you can see, MLS would be heaven for me, but I promised.
Anyways, I have become much more attuned to social environments and details. Watching Game of Thrones helps. Losing my fear of failure possibly contributes to this as well. Oh the countless times I have failed this past month and still survived...
If I could change one thing though, it would be the hostility I receive from some. Road rage counts have gone up (and not from my end). One drunk tried to fight me and his friends immediately held him back. The last week of stage 1 felt like a giant test to see if I learned anything. If this is the easy stage, I DONT want to imagine the "BIG GUNS". What will happen then? Slight anxiety attacks here and there which have subsided by now... as you can see why I would get them...
Also no sex with girlfriend for two weeks. No fap for longer. Some withdrawals too.
Last thing I noticed, which I know is resistance, is my recent addiction to sugar and caffeine. Will take care of that soon.
After deciding to run the course fully, regardless of my dire need for MLS (presumably it works), I have decided to actually contribute something for a change.
Stage 1 has hit me full force with emotions and disrupted a few negative cycles (in particular the cycle of disagreeing -> fighting -> crying). Another disrupted cycle was that of not acting upon injustice. As a result I have plucked the snakes out of my garden per se; two of them to be exact. Both were dealt with through public outbursts (which is a great way to scare off a snake). I have regained some ground in self-respect, and tend to stand up for myself and those I care for. Now is all this possibly placebo? It very well could be.
Now as for my fighting goals... I have managed to stick to BJJ for over a month and week and get promoted. Today alone, I have pulled some moves that felt so beautiful, so raw, so primal. However, good things do not last, and I was quickly reminded of how much more training is required: I was paired with a monster and got humbled. Although, no matter how many times I tapped to him, I got back in there to try again with full heart. It is tough to have no immediate response to a problem, other than years of training. Month by dreaded month, I will get there. As for the hours, I can get about 8-12 consistently. Not at all satisfactory for me, but other priorities for now.
As much as I don't want to write about my pains and complaints, I do have to mention that I am going through a fierce mental struggle on how to dedicate my life. I.e... ->What do I want to focus on? -> Why not do both? -> Won't my effectiveness suffer? -> I want to become THE master. -> Can't burnout. I need a life. -> I don't want to take forever to reach my goals. -> Do just one goal. -> Which ONE? -> Fighting? -> But I started so late -> Not that late, can still do it. What about my other goal? -> Can still pursue it while working -> But it's so painstakingly slow...
As you can see, MLS would be heaven for me, but I promised.
Anyways, I have become much more attuned to social environments and details. Watching Game of Thrones helps. Losing my fear of failure possibly contributes to this as well. Oh the countless times I have failed this past month and still survived...
If I could change one thing though, it would be the hostility I receive from some. Road rage counts have gone up (and not from my end). One drunk tried to fight me and his friends immediately held him back. The last week of stage 1 felt like a giant test to see if I learned anything. If this is the easy stage, I DONT want to imagine the "BIG GUNS". What will happen then? Slight anxiety attacks here and there which have subsided by now... as you can see why I would get them...
Also no sex with girlfriend for two weeks. No fap for longer. Some withdrawals too.
Last thing I noticed, which I know is resistance, is my recent addiction to sugar and caffeine. Will take care of that soon.
ENTP-A
