My EPHRA 2.0 Journal

[JCasterlin]

Finally, a journal that's not DMSI or AM! People totally underestimate the power of emotional and physical (hello MHS, UD and MLS) healing. They think they need to be the ultimate alpha male or MPUA to be happy and satisfied only to find out years later that their traumas, poor health, and unresolved issues were holding them back. I am currently using MLS 5.5G focusing on detoxing my body resulting in an awesome mood, mind and body. I used to think that all problems were in the mind (focused mostly on meditating a lot) and forgot about the body but now i see how my own physical health was holding me back to achieving higher levels of wellbeing.
I will follow this one, good luck!

Thank You

I have been fighting myself that I don't need this or for that long. Obviously resistance . The more I think about it the more I want to run E2 until I can literally guarantee I'm done getting anything from it or E3 comes out. I know for a fact that I've hold myself back , gotten in my own way, or sabotaged the shit out of myself more than I can remember. I was frustrated & dealing with some fears most of the day today at work. My current inability to be patient & enjoy the process.

[Antaeus]

I read somewhere in the forum how running E2 can be addicting. That would be an interesting experience. I will see how I feel as time goes by if I decide to go beyond the 180 days. I grew up with incredibly toxic as well as mentally & emotionally unhealthy parents & step parents. I never really understood why I had so many of the same issues over & over again in my life until I started reading about narcissism & the traits & characteristics of emotionally unhealthy people. One of my earliest memories is watching my Mother & Father fight. I recall this endless back & forth blame game especially on my fathers end. Guy had been remarried for several years & was still blaming my mother for various wrongs in his life. I saw my father & step mother spend money they didn't have & listened to the sound of the telephone endlessly ringing usually with a bill collector calling or the electric company knocking on the door to either get a past due payment or as in two cases , temporarily shut off the power.
I saw & heard my parents & step parents say & do some of the most toxic , hateful, self sabotaging things . My step father always acted like I was a problem to be gotten rid of. He used to beat on me for the smallest of issues . Usually something related to me somehow being a bad influence on his children from a previous marriage. He tried twice to have me sent to a foster home. Both my parents & step parents seemed to have no problem questioning my intelligence growing up. I was told I would be lucky to graduate high school. Never mind I was the first kid in the family to do so on time & with extra credits. I could go on but as you can see I've got quite a bit inside me I wish to eliminate before I take the journey towards AM.

Yikes! I'm sorry all that happened to you. I'll definitely be reading your journal on this as time goes on. It'll be interesting to see how you progress. Best of luck.

[DavisMind91]

I read somewhere in the forum how running E2 can be addicting. That would be an interesting experience. I will see how I feel as time goes by if I decide to go beyond the 180 days. I grew up with incredibly toxic as well as mentally & emotionally unhealthy parents & step parents. I never really understood why I had so many of the same issues over & over again in my life until I started reading about narcissism & the traits & characteristics of emotionally unhealthy people. One of my earliest memories is watching my Mother & Father fight. I recall this endless back & forth blame game especially on my fathers end. Guy had been remarried for several years & was still blaming my mother for various wrongs in his life. I saw my father & step mother spend money they didn't have & listened to the sound of the telephone endlessly ringing usually with a bill collector calling or the electric company knocking on the door to either get a past due payment or as in two cases , temporarily shut off the power.
I saw & heard my parents & step parents say & do some of the most toxic , hateful, self sabotaging things . My step father always acted like I was a problem to be gotten rid of. He used to beat on me for the smallest of issues . Usually something related to me somehow being a bad influence on his children from a previous marriage. He tried twice to have me sent to a foster home. Both my parents & step parents seemed to have no problem questioning my intelligence growing up. I was told I would be lucky to graduate high school. Never mind I was the first kid in the family to do so on time & with extra credits. I could go on but as you can see I've got quite a bit inside me I wish to eliminate before I take the journey towards AM.

You sir seemed to have been an unfortunate example of how emotionally damaged people turn around and damage others. Emotionally healing is important, you’ll probably find that you’ll be done healing sooner than you think. Remember though that E2 is designed to go at your pace so the greater the effort you put into emotionally healing yourself, the faster E2 will work. E2 is an aid in self healing, and what I found is that although it seems to clear things by itself it’s better when you take the opportunities it attracts to you to face and heal what is brought your way. Best of luck.

[JCasterlin]

I read somewhere in the forum how running E2 can be addicting. That would be an interesting experience. I will see how I feel as time goes by if I decide to go beyond the 180 days. I grew up with incredibly toxic as well as mentally & emotionally unhealthy parents & step parents. I never really understood why I had so many of the same issues over & over again in my life until I started reading about narcissism & the traits & characteristics of emotionally unhealthy people. One of my earliest memories is watching my Mother & Father fight. I recall this endless back & forth blame game especially on my fathers end. Guy had been remarried for several years & was still blaming my mother for various wrongs in his life. I saw my father & step mother spend money they didn't have & listened to the sound of the telephone endlessly ringing usually with a bill collector calling or the electric company knocking on the door to either get a past due payment or as in two cases , temporarily shut off the power.
I saw & heard my parents & step parents say & do some of the most toxic , hateful, self sabotaging things . My step father always acted like I was a problem to be gotten rid of. He used to beat on me for the smallest of issues . Usually something related to me somehow being a bad influence on his children from a previous marriage. He tried twice to have me sent to a foster home. Both my parents & step parents seemed to have no problem questioning my intelligence growing up. I was told I would be lucky to graduate high school. Never mind I was the first kid in the family to do so on time & with extra credits. I could go on but as you can see I've got quite a bit inside me I wish to eliminate before I take the journey towards AM.

Yikes! I'm sorry all that happened to you. I'll definitely be reading your journal on this as time goes on. It'll be interesting to see how you progress. Best of luck.

It's ok. Actually it's not but I'm being given the opportunity to heal all of that & go forward.

[JCasterlin]

I read somewhere in the forum how running E2 can be addicting. That would be an interesting experience. I will see how I feel as time goes by if I decide to go beyond the 180 days. I grew up with incredibly toxic as well as mentally & emotionally unhealthy parents & step parents. I never really understood why I had so many of the same issues over & over again in my life until I started reading about narcissism & the traits & characteristics of emotionally unhealthy people. One of my earliest memories is watching my Mother & Father fight. I recall this endless back & forth blame game especially on my fathers end. Guy had been remarried for several years & was still blaming my mother for various wrongs in his life. I saw my father & step mother spend money they didn't have & listened to the sound of the telephone endlessly ringing usually with a bill collector calling or the electric company knocking on the door to either get a past due payment or as in two cases , temporarily shut off the power.
I saw & heard my parents & step parents say & do some of the most toxic , hateful, self sabotaging things . My step father always acted like I was a problem to be gotten rid of. He used to beat on me for the smallest of issues . Usually something related to me somehow being a bad influence on his children from a previous marriage. He tried twice to have me sent to a foster home. Both my parents & step parents seemed to have no problem questioning my intelligence growing up. I was told I would be lucky to graduate high school. Never mind I was the first kid in the family to do so on time & with extra credits. I could go on but as you can see I've got quite a bit inside me I wish to eliminate before I take the journey towards AM.

You sir seemed to have been an unfortunate example of how emotionally damaged people turn around and damage others. Emotionally healing is important, you’ll probably find that you’ll be done healing sooner than you think. Remember though that E2 is designed to go at your pace so the greater the effort you put into emotionally healing yourself, the faster E2 will work. E2 is an aid in self healing, and what I found is that although it seems to clear things by itself it’s better when you take the opportunities it attracts to you to face and heal what is brought your way. Best of luck.

I posted yesterday how I fight myself about the need to use & stick with E2. Then I read what I wrote about what happened to me growing up & it's so obvious that E2 is what I need. I completely agree about the need to take steps to heal myself. I've questioned how much I can heal from a toxic person when I am at present moment forced to deal with them every day. Thankfully for my & my Wife's sanity & emotional health that will end July 1st. Oddly enough my 50th Birthday. It's scary as fuck to realize how much of my unhealthy behavior & way of thinking in the past is so obvious now & why or how it created endless problems & drama for me. I've said in the past that my whole reason for wanting to run AM is to be mentally & emotionally healthy . When I say I'm aiming to be a Sigma male I'm using the definition of the " Ascending Alpha " that Shannon described. This:

"The Alpha Male program is based on the understanding that every male has the potential within him to be what his genetic heritage is pushing him to be, which is a leader.

This potential is innate in us all, but there are often issues which develop through no fault of our own as we grow up which conspire to set us on the path to something less than our fullest potential. We are frequently taught by experience, society, and other control mechanisms etc. to surrender, instead of be what our genes are telling us to be."

Like a lot of folks I have not been on the path I wanted to be on. My only regret is that I didn't start E2 a couple of years ago when I first purchased it. Yet like a couple of other situations in my life I don't think I was ready. Yeah I have resistance but I know in my heart that this is what I need

[JCasterlin]

Day 5 - Not really expecting much just being consistent & listening daily. For me this is as much a lesson in patience & discipline as it is a healing journey. I have had moments where I would go to a website I would use as a distraction from things to now asking myself " why am I wasting time with this? Time to listen to E2 ". Last night I actually put my cell phone in my nightstand drawer , turned on E2, & fell asleep listening to that on loop.

[JCasterlin]

I have noticed that even when I think I've gotten enough sleep I am still groggy most of the day. I don't think I'm hydrated enough so I'm going to eliminate soft drinks & other things & just go with water during the day

[JCasterlin]

Dealing with a metric f***ton of resistance tonight. My brain is fighting me. Telling me how I don't need this or that if other people aren't going to change why do I have to? It's so silly I know. Because of it I'm beyond frustrated tonight. I'm listening to E2 right now & will continue to do so. I had a cool conversation today with one of the higher ups at work who basically said I will improve but I need to be patient & build confidence. I understand what he's saying & I'm working my ass off to get better but I also realize my progress may take longer than I expected or had to hoped.

I'm seriously considering only listening to E2 for six months . Then again given all I've been through I know the longer I listen to E2 the better . I just feel like I'm doing everything I can to improve at work & at home & yet I'm literally being forced to wait & be patient.

[JCasterlin]

Day 6 - Still dealing with a ton of resistance. Caught between knowing that listening to E2 is the best thing & wanting to jump to ASC or AM6. I am slowly beginning to realize that a lot of the resistance when I think or feel my life should be a certain way right now. That I don't think I should have to or don't want to wait however long it takes to do the work. Obviously the only way to get where I want to be is to put in the time & do the work. A lot of the resistance & pain I feel comes from comparing myself to other people & their situations. Especially if its work related. It's been a huge struggle for me to watch people I trained with or who were in training classes after me do so well from the get go because they have prior experience in the industry . Intellectually I get that they were at one point where I'm at right now. I'm aware that this way of thinking is probably playing a huge part in how I hold myself back & I realize spending six to eighteen months listening to E2 isn't really that long. This is where I know that I need to become more mature emotionally so I can let go of the attachments that are causing my issues

[DavisMind91]

Day 6 - Still dealing with a ton of resistance. Caught between knowing that listening to E2 is the best thing & wanting to jump to ASC or AM6. I am slowly beginning to realize that a lot of the resistance when I think or feel my life should be a certain way right now. That I don't think I should have to or don't want to wait however long it takes to do the work. Obviously the only way to get where I want to be is to put in the time & do the work. A lot of the resistance & pain I feel comes from comparing myself to other people & their situations. Especially if its work related. It's been a huge struggle for me to watch people I trained with or who were in training classes after me do so well from the get go because they have prior experience in the industry . Intellectually I get that they were at one point where I'm at right now. I'm aware that this way of thinking is probably playing a huge part in how I hold myself back & I realize spending six to eighteen months listening to E2 isn't really that long. This is where I know that I need to become more mature emotionally so I can let go of the attachments that are causing my issues

I can relate to your last 2 posts, I've had that feeling plenty times in life. The only way you don't "keep watch of your progress clock" so to speak, is to work your ass off day and night to relentlessly improve. Make it so you don't even have time to notice how long your progression is taking, or simply take stock of your progress about once a month to make sure you're still on track. Remember too, by comparing yourself to others, you're derailing yourself in many ways. The more you focus on how others are moving forward, the faster you'll make yourself go backwards. Stop giving other people your power and make yourself your only competition.

[JCasterlin]

Day 6 - Still dealing with a ton of resistance. Caught between knowing that listening to E2 is the best thing & wanting to jump to ASC or AM6. I am slowly beginning to realize that a lot of the resistance when I think or feel my life should be a certain way right now. That I don't think I should have to or don't want to wait however long it takes to do the work. Obviously the only way to get where I want to be is to put in the time & do the work. A lot of the resistance & pain I feel comes from comparing myself to other people & their situations. Especially if its work related. It's been a huge struggle for me to watch people I trained with or who were in training classes after me do so well from the get go because they have prior experience in the industry . Intellectually I get that they were at one point where I'm at right now. I'm aware that this way of thinking is probably playing a huge part in how I hold myself back & I realize spending six to eighteen months listening to E2 isn't really that long. This is where I know that I need to become more mature emotionally so I can let go of the attachments that are causing my issues

I can relate to your last 2 posts, I've had that feeling plenty times in life. The only way you don't "keep watch of your progress clock" so to speak, is to work your ass off day and night to relentlessly improve. Make it so you don't even have time to notice how long your progression is taking, or simply take stock of your progress about once a month to make sure you're still on track. Remember too, by comparing yourself to others, you're derailing yourself in many ways. The more you focus on how others are moving forward, the faster you'll make yourself go backwards. Stop giving other people your power and make yourself your only competition.

I will keep that at the front of my mind. There are days I don't care what other people are doing. I'm not sure why it's even an issue for me. I'm fairly certain a lot if not all of it is somehow ego related. I say that because I've asked myself occasionally " how in the fuck is that person doing better than I am? "

[JCasterlin]

Day 6 update - Started drinking water during the day for better hydration but also to not spend unnecessary money. Yesterday I calculated how much I probably spend on average on various beverages & was shocked that I could be spending that much if not more. I would much rather be frugal & save the money whenever possible. I also think lack of hydration may be playing into the headaches I occasionally get. Lastly I was reading something that was posted about the 5G maxing out brain power. Yet another reason to be properly hydrated

[JCasterlin]

Day 7 - I'm going to be careful going forward as to what journals I read. For the time being anyway. As @DavisMind91 said comparing myself to others either with these audios or at work is not helping my progression in any way. Comparing myself to other people is something I know I've done a large portion of my life. I remember growing up & having my parents & step parents compare me to my sibling. Asking why I can't be like him? I realize that has stuck with me & become such a ingrained habit that learning to let go of that will probably go a long way towards self reliance & self validation

[JCasterlin]

Update - another thing I chose to do was go back & eliminate my social media accounts. I have been debating doing it for a while & finally said " f*** it". I'm starting a 2nd job here soon so I'm not going to have the time as it is