Realized why I've been so childish about selecting the next sub... there's a major event up during the summer and basically I was putting huge pressure on the next sub, "I MUST become the way I wanna be and it needs to happen NOW!" lol. It was partly about showing off and partly fear that I'll never get "there" in time. Kinda funny since I don't really think there is a "there" - a final goal - anymore. Wrt. to anything really.
So, with that, I took a step back and actually looked at how a normal day is like for me. I'm still holding myself down all the time, its like I always have one foot on the brake. Its irrational, because I know I'm capable, I know there have been times when I've already been totally confident in any of those situations, I know I've had success and I know I'm strong-enough emotionally to shrug off just about anything that's likely to happen.. But it doesn't matter. This is probably a big reason why I've always been fairly tired on any given day, even before subs. It has been getting easier and easier to escape this mode when I go out, but its still very much present in my day-to-day life. And I feel like I have to be really "On" to let myself let it go, or otherwise I'm.. I guess somehow too afraid to risk it. Maybe afraid of getting noticed in a negative way (public attention), or maybe its an ego thing (I'm supposed to be good).
EPRHA. Confidence is a lack of fear. I know its not gonna give me results on a silver platter, its my job to test it. I'm confident already, I just have to allow it. And not concentrate on "being free of fear", but instead of that feeling of being fearless - of being carefree and confident.
Just had my first experience with ignoring shame in the gym... got some pretty hot looks and I was feeling turned on and surrounded by those sexy, sweaty hotties :P I feel calm about this, finally. Will probably post a weekly diary. And a short SM3 conclusion in a few days.
So, with that, I took a step back and actually looked at how a normal day is like for me. I'm still holding myself down all the time, its like I always have one foot on the brake. Its irrational, because I know I'm capable, I know there have been times when I've already been totally confident in any of those situations, I know I've had success and I know I'm strong-enough emotionally to shrug off just about anything that's likely to happen.. But it doesn't matter. This is probably a big reason why I've always been fairly tired on any given day, even before subs. It has been getting easier and easier to escape this mode when I go out, but its still very much present in my day-to-day life. And I feel like I have to be really "On" to let myself let it go, or otherwise I'm.. I guess somehow too afraid to risk it. Maybe afraid of getting noticed in a negative way (public attention), or maybe its an ego thing (I'm supposed to be good).
EPRHA. Confidence is a lack of fear. I know its not gonna give me results on a silver platter, its my job to test it. I'm confident already, I just have to allow it. And not concentrate on "being free of fear", but instead of that feeling of being fearless - of being carefree and confident.
Just had my first experience with ignoring shame in the gym... got some pretty hot looks and I was feeling turned on and surrounded by those sexy, sweaty hotties :P I feel calm about this, finally. Will probably post a weekly diary. And a short SM3 conclusion in a few days.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.