Journal of a Rocket Surgeon

[Spiral]

From my experience... when I ignored others out of fear... those people thought I was a total ass hole. Because if I had to interact with them I would in some way feel nervous and very introverted to the point where I'd want to just not talk to them in the first place. By not sharing moments with others Everyone thought I was an ass. and not the good kind. Doing things out of love with no attachment is amazing and a great feeling. It just can be tough for more than others do to the fear of being vulnerable and surrendering to what is. Sounds like you're making good progress my friend.

[DarthSussudio]

From my experience... when I ignored others out of fear... those people thought I was a total ass hole. Sounds like you're making good progress my friend.

Well... I am a total asshole.

But I'm either an asshole who's on your side, or I'm an asshole who's going to urinate a few inches away from you while you're dying of thirst.

I must be making progress, because after avoiding such silliness I managed to alienate a potential ally, and drew the ire of one of the people I cannot stand... Loathe her actually.

Ah well, no use crying over spilled intestines.

It was a minor petty little thing, and although my attitude was total "F U" I managed to keep a civil tone about me. Which the woman I despise did not.

I rarely if ever need a reason to get into a fight, and backing down especially when I am in the wrong is very tough for me. I particularly hate social game playing, but the older I get the more I realize that it is a human survival trait/skill.

Meh.

If anything I need to learn how to disengage more often.

On the positive side one of the principle "ice queens" actually initiate a pleasant conversation with me.

C'est la merde.

[Spiral]

LOL. There are good and bad ass holes. I'm a good asshole in a sense now that... I disconnect from something on command now if I do not like it. doesn't mean I do not like the person or took what they said personally. that's one thing I struggled with to for awhile but now it's like... why would I want to waste my time..

You'll get there. Especially with that sense of humor of yours.

[DarthSussudio]

LOL. There are good and bad ass holes. I'm a good asshole in a sense now that... I disconnect from something on command now if I do not like it. doesn't mean I do not like the person or took what they said personally. that's one thing I struggled with to for awhile but now it's like... why would I want to waste my time..

Yeah, that's a thought that had occurred to me this weekend. "What would my life have been like if at age 12 instead of getting all super effing pissed by my evil step-mom's devious mind games, and my father's out right psychopathic tantrums instead what would it have been like if I just calmly, coolly ignored their nuttiness and got on with my life?"

Gee, it's as if I'm being subliminally programmed or something.

And Sean, those articles were right on time brotherman, thanx.

[Sean]

And Sean, those articles were right on time brotherman, thanx.

Glad I could help, man!

[DarthSussudio]

Don't much feel like posting a lot this evening, but I do feel like saying that aside from detractors at school I have a lot of supporters as well. There are a lot of really awesome women I go to school with who are my friends, and give me a lot of support and help too. So this is a very good thing.

[DarthSussudio]

Pretty worn out lately. 2nd all weekend professional seminar in a row, plus full time with the classes, and midterms coming up.

Have had things I've thought about sharing but don't have the time and energy to organize the thoughts lately.

Old flame coming back to town tomorrow, will probably hook up, but I doubt anything will have changed between us. It'll be a hot time, but is it what I want?

[DarthSussudio]

Still pretty wiped out. My energy levels are an annoyance right now, I realize that I've been pushing myself pretty hard for the last 2 years but still I'd like to not feel too wiped out to get out and enjoy something. Anything.

Today was day two of a professional seminar, I was mostly too zombiefied to make much use of my time there which also irritates me, but I did get something useful out of it, and had an interesting observation.

During one of the breaks one of the other guys there introduced himself. Asked me if I was still studying, or was a "practicing rocket surgeon". I told him I was still in school, and asked him the same question. "Andy" said he's been in practice for the last 11 years, and he's been practicing the exact branch and methodology of "rocket surgery" that I am interested in going into. Which is hilarious because it's something that the women in my school are quick to down me for, claiming that they'd never come to see a guy for that, and that it won't work the way I want to do it. And here I am with a guy who is obviously successful doing it pretty much exactly the way I want do it, and telling me why the way he does it/I want to be doing it is actually a really good way to go about it.

Cool.

I also noticed something else about "Andy", he brought a hottie with him who only had eyes for him, practically rubbing herself up against him. And yet. "Andy" still had the mannerisms of a "beta" or seemed unconfident somehow. Dunno, maybe he was as wiped out as I am. I certainly wasn't having any "alpha magic" moments today, but whatever I just want to sleep for a week and wake up refreshed. "Andy" seems to be in the situation that I'd like to occupy when I'm done with school. Dunno, dunno.

[DarthSussudio]

Rough day yesterday.

2 exams which I may not have done well on, and terrible terrible meeting with the deans of our department. Basically they got the whole department together to tell us "F U, you're screwed." They've been lying to us for months, maybe since the beginning when we enrolled. Gotta make some hard choices, and deal with the consequences.

Two weird things happened yesterday.

I was in the student lounge waiting in between exams and "Amy" comes up to me and DEMANDS an external drive she'd lent me last week. I hadn't really considered it before but I'm pretty sure now that "Amy" doesn't care for me much. The external drive contains a large amount of class room material, notes from other students charts etc. and Amy had made the announcement that she was willing to share it with everyone in our department. Last week I was the only one who took her up on her offer. I hadn't thought about it at the time, but she might have been reluctant to do it, and felt that she couldn't go back on her offer in front of all of the others in class. She even told me I had till next thursday to get the drive back to her, but here she was yesterday morning DEMANDING it from me. Not a polite "Oh hi, do you have my drive today?" Not even a greeting. Just "Give me my drive now." And when I took 30 seconds to reach into my bag to get it she practically stamped her feet. While I was reaching into my bag she actually said "Did you lose it?" When I handed it to her she didn't thank me, just turned around and left. She was staring daggers at me the whole time, really aggressive eye contact which was kind of confusing LOL. Her face was even turning red. Later I decided to see what her reaction would be so I thanked her for the loan of the drive, she was polite but wouldn't make eye contact.

I haven't got much use for that sort of thing.

Later I went to lunch and discovered that my bank card wasn't in my wallet (I left it at home) so I reasoned that I had just enough money for 1 chicken wing and a small side of potatoes. Not such a horrible fate in fact. As I sat down to eat my food at the restaurant I was in this middle aged woman who was dressed perfectly normally walks up to me and says "Are you going to finish that?" and stares at my 1 effin' chicken wing. I almost thought she was going to make a comment about my size, and responded really loudly and aggressively. ("Yes. I. Am.") "Oh well, I'm hungry." she said still staring at my plate. "You don't have to get angry." was her response to my staring directly at her. Still way louder than I'd prefer I told her to have a good day, and mostly in a tone that meant she should f38k off and die. She left after that.

In other news Cindy barely spoke to me, and 3 attractive women I barely pay attention to initiated smiley flirty conversation and touched me.

[Sean]

In other news Cindy barely spoke to me, and 3 attractive women I barely pay attention to initiated smiley flirty conversation and touched me.

If they initiated touch, they are highly attracted to you! Whatever you're doing, it's working.

[DarthSussudio]

If they initiated touch, they are highly attracted to you! Whatever you're doing, it's working.

Well, today was another day of rage and alienating people.

I'm in a shitty situation, faced with crap options and not taking it well. About best I've been able to do is walk away from yelling at nitwits. At least I'm not fantasizing about axe murder though. Thank heaven for small favors.

Is it time for Stage 3 yet?

This shitty patch is a normal feature of my life though, the outside circumstances that are institutional academic politics were going to happen no matter what was going on in my head.

Will keep an eye out for more touchy feely behavior in the future.

[FunkeyMonkey]

It smooths out a lot in stage 3.

[Shannon]

It's always roughest the first time through. It gets easier in each progressive time through because all that crap's been worn off. For me, the whole thing is almost effortless now. I'm loving it. But the first couple times through were very difficult.

[DarthSussudio]

It's always roughest the first time through. It gets easier in each progressive time through because all that crap's been worn off. For me, the whole thing is almost effortless now. I'm loving it. But the first couple times through were very difficult.

There's nothing going on that doesn't happen every semester. I'm not even acting remotely as pissed about it as I was last semester. (In a nut shell they try to f##k us by refusing to schedule the classes we need to graduate. And we pay them lots of money for this.)

I haven't got another 6 months of my life to devote to listening to AM 12 hours a day.

If there isn't a significant and noticeable effect from these programs I am not spending more years of my life using them.

My open mind is tempered by results or a lack there of.

So far I'm reading a lot of "I am too detached to actually have sex with these women who are interested in me" type posts and not nearly enough "I got laid" posts to be over bowled by the awesomeness of these products. I am too unconcerned about not caring about whether I care about having sex to not actually have sex.

(In fairness to the members here I'm reading only a random sampling of posts. But you get my point.)

I am committed to using the program as directed, but that commitment limits what other types of things I can use and do and devoting an entire year to using just one type of hypnotic product is asking an awful lot to just end up "disinterested" in the thing I expect the product to deliver on. This is really only a sticking point with me when it comes to self programming which I've suspended for the duration.

Such are my thoughts this evening.