Jennie's Journal with Emotional Pain Relief and Healing Aid

[jennielee]

Edit: Thanks ffaux. Yeah it is tough to swallow but actions always tell the truth when words lie. Its just hard to stop loving someone i have loved probably for 7 years or so. (I forget exactly how long). The first time he left me and did so with a never cobtact me again statement too. Then he ended up back in my life again though distant a few years ago.i guess history is repeating itself. Last time he left me like that his life fell to pieces and took a long time to rebuild, and yet here he is repeating it. I hate to watch it happen, but im sure thats how its going to unfold again.

Day 31: i find myself in a state of limbo trying to figure out my next move. I am just shocked at how much has gone wrong. Emotionally i am struggling with how i feel about everything. My hands are tied as far as trying to resolve things through talking to him as he continues to ignore every message i send him. I cant go over to his house again, because hes not worth being arrested for. Part of me wonders how he feels about all this, how he can just sit there ignoring me when ive asked for help and asked to make things right. I find myself wishing he was back in my life, but i have to wonder why id even want that given how hes treating me. I know i deserve better, but at the same time my love for him is deeper than it has been for anyone else my entire life. Seems though that he falls into the same category as all the other men in my life. They always end up hurting me. My first husband did it physically, my second financially and emotionally. And now him who has me borderline to falling flat on my face financially because of a bad business investment and the emotional hole in my heart.

[jennielee]

Well this morning i had to do the right thing by me and my daughter. Unfortunately that may also mean hurting the guy i love. But even he said it, he doesn't matter, its my daughter that matters. I really hope he doesn't force me into the hard route for this, but he screwed me over and i am only asking for him to make things right. It was a really tough call considering all the other things he is dealing with. But i had to ask myself who do i put first, me and my daughter or a man who chooses to ignore me. Hopefully it will work out peacefully without much harm, but i guess that choice is his now isnt it.

[jennielee]

I've been thinking alot today about what i want if or when i decide to have a relationship again. I want a man who will love me with ALL of his heart, treat me lovingly and be honest completely with me no matter how much the truth hurts. I want a man strong enough to make the tough choices and lead, yet strong enough to ask for help too. I want a man i can fall asleep next to, look me in the eye and tell me that he loves me and know he means it.

I dont know why im posting this. Maybe its just part of the healing process, but its been on my mind today as i look back on the mistakes ive made both with men and in my choice of men. I guess if nothing else i have at least become more selective as a result.

[jennielee]

Well tonight i did something i have never done, and never thought i would do. I pushed myself to a new point. I had to let go of things the way they were, and my heart needed to say goodbye. I broke the last tie that bound me to him. The emotional one. Its time to cut my losses and move on with life. I haven't yet decided if im going to persue some sort of recourse for the bad investment or just let it go. Im thinking its probably best to just let it go and be done with it. He isnt going to be coming back into my life again. Im tired of being the toy used for karmic lessons. I am going to relax and be me, and enjoy myself. I believe in myself and will make my dreams of success manifest.

[jennielee]

Day 32: i have woken up this morning not knowing if i was really brave or really stupid last night, but either way i feel good about it. Today is another day for me to enjoy. I am still trying to pick up all the pieces and put my life back together emotionally financially and in every other way. This certainly has been an adventure! I am just most glad that i did something difficult to help me let go. I had to make the right choice for my life. I find myself becoming braver in all areas especially the areas of self exploration. I am slowly coming to define myself and what i want. I definitely feel the barriers of guilt shame and fear weakening by the day. Todays project is to take some time to enjoy drafting what i want to do for my future as far as financially. I have to draw up some new business ideas.

[jennielee]

I got stuck thinking today and sidetracked. I realized that the timing of him coming back into my life and his exit from my life was tied exactly with saturns visit with him. ( there was a 2 degree difference between the day he came and the day he left in saturns position. Likely 1 degree if you count from the day the choice to leave was made.) I find a little comfort in this. The pain im feeling is all ripples of things going wrong for him. Its like he was hit by a bus and i just happened to be handcuffed to him at the time. I realized that as bad as this feels for me, its going to be so much worse for him. In light of that i decided that whatever losses were as a result of him.that i would simply accept it as my own. Its not the smartest choice financially, but i strive to help people not harm them. So in my wanting to make the world a better place i will not hurt him by making him pay for the losses he caused, and that i will continue to support him and his company. I can already see he messed up the choice he was supposed to make. So somewhere down the road he will face it again. Maybe with me, mayve with someone else. Anyway now that thats out of the way its time to move on to the next item in my list. Figuring out what i can do to make the world a better place (and make money to pay my bills too lol)

[jennielee]

Day 33: i actually feel alot better this morning although i am still a bit away from my goal of figuring out what to do. For some reason today i have a massive headache monday i am going to see who i can talk to about daycare help, i may have to take a regular job for a little while. My Emotions have finally stabilized in the terms that im "Over him". Anyway my head hurts a bit much to think at the moment so ill probably have more later

[jennielee]

Day 34: i have this really nice sense of peace for the most part in my life today. I have even managed to make a new friend recently too. I noticed a few things in their life i am now "equipped" or able to help them with. The pieces of my own puzzle are starting to come together as well. My confidence is increasing and i am noticing drastically less fear based responses. all in all its turning for the better. One chapter has ended and another has begun. I am more stable now than i have ever been. Honestly it feels good. There are just a few pieces left until its all together but i have a plan at least

[jennielee]

Well looks like monday is job applications day and Tuesday's a trip to the health dept for some testing. With everything thats gone wrong im going to make sure i didnt end up getting screwed in other ways too. Its all a part of life though. When you make a choice you have to accept responsibility. So anyway i should have some time to socialize Tuesday after everything if i can get everything done monday that i need to. I also feel like My panic mode "omg what am i gonna do" is gone too. Its just steady steps toward something practical. As soon as i get my camera back im going to take up some photography on the side for fun. I may also try to work on losing weight eventually, but without a scale that wont do much right now. First step is to get working and get the kid in daycare. The rest will follow. I just hope that i don't get any bad news at the health department because it will be a bad day for more than just me. Whatever it is im confident that i can deal with it.

[jennielee]

Day 35: i managed to get a 5 mile bike ride and a couple applications in. There are some that i need to do online, so my mom is going to give me a hand being that my computer isnt hooked up to the internet at the moment. All in all its been a good morning so far. I feel very strong emotionally today. Like everything is going to work out. The how may not be obvious but its there. Im not panicked just because i dont see it. I will find it. Sometimes it comes at the last minute lol. I finally have peace among the chaos. I feel like im sitting in the eye of a hurricane. Its completely peaceful yet all around it is chaos. Its a very unique feeling. I could get used to feeling this way. Its allowed me to look at everything from the perspective of being calm and logical. I feel that i have grown tremendously as of late. I am no longer a follower. I feel myself becoming more of a leader. I am looking forward to The next couple months of this sub and then i am planning the ultra success sub. Maybe by then the 5g alpha female sub will be out.

[jennielee]

Day 36: well today should be interesting. Im heading to the health department and then spending some time hanging out. Its really nice to be able to socialize again! It was really rough not knowing anyone around the area except my step uncle. I still feel really good emotionally. My confidence is definately alot better. It would seem my lack of confidence in several areas was all due to guilt/shame/fear. I even came to realize what things i would do that i did for someone other than myself. Now its more of a concious choice of do i want to do this or not, and am i doing it for me or someone else. Im not totally to the point where im bombproof enough to face my ex without an emotional response, but almost. I feel i have the courage to tell him off if i had to. Anyway, gotta get ready so i can enjoy my day! Maybe ill write more later.

[jennielee]

Well today hasn't really gone according to plan at all. Its been interesting. I feel detached from everything going on, like emotionally seperated. My social plans got canceled and my plans at the health dept turned out to be lacking and almost a waste of my time seeing as i have to go somewhere else for the rest of the testing. Things are slowly coming together though.

[jennielee]

Well today i got some really great news! Looks like i have found a way to stay in business! That was a much needed sigh of relief. My persistance paid off! Now its off to borrow a few bucks from mom so i can get some local liscenses to get out there at some local events for exposure! today is getting better i knew everything would work out. Looks like my subconscious pulled off some serious manifestation!

[jennielee]

Day 37: yesterday i had to face some rejection, but i dont find myself phased in the least by it. I find myself calm and confident in my current endeavors. I am closer and closer to knowing exactly what i want and doing what it takes to get there. It seems that im more able to draw that line between where i am and where i want to be. I can see the path even if its not something instant. I can visualize all the steps.