Jennie's Journal with Emotional Pain Relief and Healing Aid

[jennielee]

This morning i found a great quote worth sharing: "If you wait for the perfect moment when all is safe and assured, it may never arrive. Mountains will not be climbed, races won, or lasting happiness achieved."
Maurice Chevalier

This morning i also came to realize that i am more aware of things now than i have been. I can see the path my friend is on and the lesson he has yet to learn. Somehow though i dont think he would listen to me even if i told him, so i have to sit back and watch it unfold. He told me to look at the patterns in my life to figure things out, and i finally see one in how we have been karmically intertwined. He told me that wisdom erases karma, so its probably time for him to recieve the lesson through other means. I may have broken that karmic tie in my revelation, but if i am used again by the universe at least i know what to expect next time. Anyway, the plan for today is breakfast at the park, tracking down the mailman (i dont have my mailbox key yet so i am hoping he will be kind and give me my mail.) Then its time to do some study in astrology. My business plan is all finished and simply waiting for funding. So unless something sells it looks like a peaceful afternoon for ne with plenty of time to reflect.

[jennielee]

Well i decided i was going to ride my bike (12 miles each way) to warn the man i love about what i saw, and to settle some things and he called the cops on me. He didnt even let me explain why i was there and slammed the door in my face. What kind of guy does that to someone they said they once loved? Well guess it will be easy to let go now. I cant believe he was such an arrogant jerk. I was there to help him, not because i thought it would be fun to ride 24 miles in a day. Anyway i need to try to make it home before dark and still have a long way to go to get home.

[jennielee]

I am home now sunburned and sore in places i didnt know existed. I said my final words that i would have preferred to tell him to his face. I hope he heeds my warning because i dont want to watch him suffer and go through the pain i see on the horizon. I have done all i can, so now i have my closure. I wish it was for better and not for worse, but it is closure nonetheless. Even the mighty lion has his downfall. You ever notice that even the strongest lions eventually are cast out and overthrown from their throne. We as humans at least have friends to fall back on (or should anyway). I will be there to help him if he ever can swallow his pride enough to ask. True friends are there in good times, bad times, when you are a nobody or a somebody, when you can lend a hand or need a hand. A person who is only in your life for what you can offer (sex money etc.) Will fade when you can no longer offer it. When you look to them for help they are nowhere to be found. Sometimes we misjudge people and put our true friends out of our life. Sometimes when you hit the bottom you need to go back and say im sorry and ask for forgiveness. I was guilty of it myself when i pushed family away, and when i fell i had to be humble and ask for help. as the old quote says pride goes before the fall. Dont ever ve too proud to ask for help. Even the leaders need help sometimes. Anyway im off to make dinner and soak for a while. Man i am so sore, but i am realky impressed that i did it considering just a few months ago i couldnt even walk a few blocks. My record was 14 miles before today, and that was when i was way younger and didnt have a kid in tow lol! I am even more surprised that i did it on the heels of a 5 mile walk. So today i set a new personal best of riding 24 miles plus towing a kid (she is about 40 lbs plus her trailer weight lol) i am proud of myself. I did the right thing today offering a helping hand even if it was refused and being physically capable of more than i thought i was. I also had the courage to face him when vefore i was afraid to speak my mind out of fear id lose him or something. I definately have less fear and more courage the sub is definately changing my life.

[jennielee]

Day 29: my sunburn hurts less this morning, and my muscles hurt more. I tossed and turned all night due to physical pain. I feel remarkably different. Like the emotional weight is off of my shoulders. I am no longer doing things out of fear, but rather out of the lack of fear. A few months ago i would have been too scared to do the right thing and try to help someone who didnt want it. I know i dont ned anyone but myself and that feels good. I can say what i have to say because im not afraid to end up alone. Id far rather be in trouble over doing the right thing than to sit back and do nothing. I am still shaking my head at yesterday's events.. i dont understand why he was afraid to listen. He should have known better that i wasnt there to try to hurt him. I wont ever hurt him so he has no worries there. I mean i took a 5 mile walk the other day just because i knew he had company and decided that confronting him with company over would have hurt him, so i waited. He thinks he knows it all, but we cant know everything. We all are in a state of learning. Sometimes the source of that knowledge is where you least expect it. Well all i can hope for now is that he reads my texts and actually thinks about them and takes them to heart. I did what i did because i loved him, but right now my love is a gift because he certainly doesnt deserve it after all this. I dont plan on waiting for him to come back either. If its meant to be then it will be, if its not then it wont. One day he will understand what its like to be loved unconditionally. Maybe he will learn to love unconditionally too instead of if you follow the rules then ill love you. Anyway i have to hunt for a product code i wont be able to get from him so it looks like im getting on the phone for a bit before i go to the park today.

[jennielee]

Well this morning was interesting. I found out that i was given the wrong supplier for the most critical piece i need. So now i need to try again to figure this out. I keep getting thrown one wrench after another for this business. Im starting to get very annoyed. For being "set up" so well i sure am doing alot more damage control than selling.

[jennielee]

I find that now after solving my problem i am actually starting to enjoy these challenges. They have boosted my confidence greatly in myself. I have even found some great new innovations that will help tremendously once i can put them to use! I am actually starting to become more positive again! Now the only thing left to figure out is what will help people buy what im offering. I think i just needed that bit of closure so i could clear my head. I feel way more focused and energized. I will still offer my hand to help when i can, but i have plenty to focus on. I think that i may actually have a few things to teach the teacher too someday. i have made my life alot easier with my innovation. It will grant me versatility and ease when my orders increase in the future.

[Shawn]

That sounds really positive!

[jennielee]

Thanks. I just made the choice to be at peace with things, but also at the same time i try to continue to reach out to help. Right now he is still rejecting my help, but if he listens to any of it, one day he may appreciate it. Its far easier to see things when you become disconnected from them or when they are in someone elses life. I am not the type of person to stand idle and watch someone get hurt or hurt themselves. Sometimes it pisses people off, but id rather have them mad then feel guilty i did nothing, or have them come to me later asking why i did nothing. Id rather be able to say i told you so instead of im sorry i didnt help. I dont have many friends, but thats because one im picky, and 2 im proud to be a true friend and that sometimes takes alot. So i dont obligate myself to more people than i can truely be friends to.

[jennielee]

Ok so as my day is nearing the end i am really really sore and wishing i had some Tylenol. I never really take meds because usually a hot bath cures 90% of my aches. I cant do that at the moment because every time my sunburn hits the hot water i feel like i am on fire. I definately overdid it yesterday. Today i made two trips to the park which probably didnt help. I find myself having bad cramps in my thighs this evening, but thankfully laying down eases them. Im hoping the kid will be tired enough for bed soon so that i can get some much needed rest. On the flip side of things i solved my sourcing issue, and have a project for tomorrow. Last night i was actually dreaming that i had reached the position of success and what i wanted to do when i was there. I am going to try to hold onto and develop these thoughts of being successful. At the moment it looks like i may go for ultra success next. Well i still have a few months before i hit that mark. So i guess we shall see .

[jennielee]

Day 30: for some reason i keep waking up ridiculously early, but then again i crashed early last night too. I have come to the conclusion that the man i tried to talk to the other day doesnt really understand how im feeling at the moment or what im even asking of him. Maybe this miscommunication is part of the blockage on things. I think he sees me as trying to get him back romantically. Actually im not. I know the timing is completely wrong for it, and it would be disastrous to do so. What i wanted was to patch up the friendship that got broken when we got involved without paying attention to the timing. I know its going to be a rough time for him, but i wanted to be there to emotionally support him and lift him up. He thinks he has to endure it alone, but he doesn't. Even if you are strong it doesn't hurt to have support. I sat with him before at a doctor's office being supportive and wanted to continue to be there for him through this rough patch. All i expect is honesty. Tell me what im getting myself into and let me choose if i want to take that road or not. Dont decide my destiny for me. Even the rough road has its benefits sometimes. Besides, if everything else is going wrong whos to say you didnt make the wrong choice for me? I should be allowed to know and choose for myself. If i want to help you, let me stand next to you and be there for you. That doesn't make you weak. Thinking you dont need anyone is foolish and prideful. If you tell me that im likely to get hurt by walking with you through the fire and i choose to do it anyway thats my choice. If you tell me nothing and i walk into the fire then you took away my freedom to choose. I wish he would communicate with me. Explain things and let me make tge best choice for me. When someone is forced into doing something they hate without understanding the why behind it you get tremendous resistance. When a person understands why they can accept things even if they hate them. Especially if they can be convinced what they hate is best for them. True love isnt just about trying to keep someone from pain, its about being there for each other in the good times and the bad.

Here are a few quotes worth sharing:

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."
Bob Marley

"There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature."
Jane Austen

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
Henri J.M. Nouwen

You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together.
Nicholas Sparks

I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.
Helen Keller

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.
J.K. Rowling

All of those quotes seem to say what i feel better than i can this morning. I still need coffee and its 4:30 am lol. Anyway i hope you all enjoy the quotes. Maybe just maybe he will decide to talk to me, and clear up the misunderstandings. I certainly hope he does before he gets hit even harder by life. I can accept when i am wrong, and i can also forgive others. Ignoring me hurts far worse than telling me to f off. I still love him even as mad as he has made me. He is like a lover, a brother and a best friend all in one. I miss having him in my life. I wish i could have my best friend back even if we were only friends.

[jennielee]

I am more and more amazed at the amount of missing information there was in this "perfect setup" which was supposed to get me on my feet and successful. I am positively amazed at how many problems i have had to work through. Its seems that he screwed up in how he got me started. I am looking at some major issues to solve. And i am shaking my head, plus i have to listen to my mom say that he must have known and that he must have deliberately misled me. It doesn't really matter if he knew. I am committed to this so i have to make it work. Its just not as easy as he made it seem. This is going to take alot more time energy and money than i expected. Before i go investing any more though i have to make sure its viable. I mean if he was helping me then it would definately be doable, but then again maybe all of this was tainted by the timing and the fact that he was involved. I am too sore to go clear my head, plus i have to wait for calls with more information. If i switched to a different business it would only cost me 80 or so per year for the liscense. But the rate im looking at 400 a year for the liscense on top of the 80 plus add to it a commercial lease. With my credit the way it is who knows if i even could get one its just time to stop and think it through. Im sure i can solve this if i just think on it for a bit. Man it sure seems that everything that could go wrong has as far as the business. On the flip side gaining my independence and being on my own is going better than i thought. Now if only i could solve these business issues i should be in the clear. I have to step carefully and think things out thoroughly. I dont need him to help me through this although the moral support and person to brainstorm with would be nice.

[jennielee]

Well after long careful consideration i am saddened to have to put the business he helped me start to the side. The things i need to make it successful in the time i need it to be in order to support me will cost more than i can afford, and its too big of a gamble. I will leave it in the sidelines to grow at its own rate and maybe that will change one day. I need to put the bulk of my energy into something different. Im not quite sure what yet, but my mom has a friend who may have some ideas. In the mean time if it takes off then ill have something going for me on the side, if not hopefully i can at least recover my investment i am so saddened and disappointed at this turn of events. There was just too much done wrong and too much missing information. I cant afford to gamble with a daughter to provide for. I will still likely run a business from home, but it will have to be in a different field, one that doesn't have so many hoops and ridiculousness. There is a reason the big guys have the market cornered.

[jennielee]

I find myself struggling this evening both with my emotions and with the let down over my business choice. I find myself torn between wanting to wait for him, and wanting to set myself free. He has still continued to ignore me and how i feel about things. He made the choices he thought were best for me and already the one regarding the business was wrong. He wont even consider he might be wrong this time. He wont listen to my side of things. As much as he has hurt me with leaving the way he did i still find myself so deeply in love with him. I poured my whole heart into things, and now i am doing what i need to in order to be strong, but on the inside i am devastated. I am pushing through the pain because i have no choice. I feel almost like a fool waiting for him to come back, but if i move on i am scared he will come back when i am taken. I dont know what to do, and i dont even know where he stands because he wont freaking answer me. Part of me is angry at him for taking away my choice in the matter. He didnt even leave me the option of friends. I almost regret everything because i lost his friendship too.i guess adding insult to injury is the fact he set me up for failure too wether he realizes it or not. I am $450 in the red with nothing to show except inventory that is moving so slow it cant Even pay for the diapers my kid wears. I am just stuck again, and i have the hard road of fixing it. It really sucks to walk down that road without your best friend at your side. Anyway i need to find some peace this evening before i get myself into trouble. I just really wish i had someone i could really talk to at the moment. :'(

[ffaux]

You need to look at his actions and interpret them as the truth about how he feels. Don't make excuses for him. It will only keep you holding on to dreams and wishes. He has told you everything you need to move on already and then some with his actions--it's just difficult to swallow. But you need to allow reality to sink in for yourself and for your daughter. I feel a lot like I'm twisting the knife with these words but I'm unkind to be kind. If he comes back when you are taken you will laugh in his face. By then you will have seen through him and see all of his flaws clearly.

Stay strong. This too will pass.