Greenduck's LTU5 journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I saw darwins post about identity and fear and I noticed that a lot of what I believed was me, and in a way that was very ingrained in the way I behaved in life, was due to fear. Like a series of coping mechanisms that made me live life in autopilot, but as this fear is clearing, I see the shores of calmness, and on that beach, I think I will find who I am.

The person I have been around my parents, and this being the person that I identify maybe the strongest with, I also realize is based on fear. It's a very, very deep fear though. A fear based on that I need to be who I am to uphold the illusion they have created for themselves about who they and who I am. So I have gone through my life being the person they needed me to be when around, afraid of discovering who I really am and want to be underneath. I am feeling the pull of that person still when being around them, but I am more and more able to stand my ground and just _be_. You know I'm not even talking that much, just observing. And I am observing how much of the way my parents behave, in terms of social cues, that have decided who I was going to be. A lot of time I have been guided by just social cues, and followed them, out of fear of what would happen otherwise. That is at least my best analysis of the situation. I am intrigued to see how this will play out. I wonder who I can become when I no longer need to follow others expectations of me.

Sounds like you're making rapid progress! LTU5 really sounds amazing. I wonder if it's the E3 sub mixed with the auric shield and the anti-stress subs causing these realizations. Because I noted that E3 isn't a "Go at you're own pace" sub, but a sub with a minimum speed to it. That makes a big difference between it and E2, I think. I didn't notice that before.

[Greenduck]

I saw darwins post about identity and fear and I noticed that a lot of what I believed was me, and in a way that was very ingrained in the way I behaved in life, was due to fear. Like a series of coping mechanisms that made me live life in autopilot, but as this fear is clearing, I see the shores of calmness, and on that beach, I think I will find who I am.

The person I have been around my parents, and this being the person that I identify maybe the strongest with, I also realize is based on fear. It's a very, very deep fear though. A fear based on that I need to be who I am to uphold the illusion they have created for themselves about who they and who I am. So I have gone through my life being the person they needed me to be when around, afraid of discovering who I really am and want to be underneath. I am feeling the pull of that person still when being around them, but I am more and more able to stand my ground and just _be_. You know I'm not even talking that much, just observing. And I am observing how much of the way my parents behave, in terms of social cues, that have decided who I was going to be. A lot of time I have been guided by just social cues, and followed them, out of fear of what would happen otherwise. That is at least my best analysis of the situation. I am intrigued to see how this will play out. I wonder who I can become when I no longer need to follow others expectations of me.

Sounds like you're making rapid progress! LTU5 really sounds amazing. I wonder if it's the E3 sub mixed with the auric shield and the anti-stress subs causing these realizations. Because I noted that E3 isn't a "Go at you're own pace" sub, but a sub with a minimum speed to it. That makes a big difference between it and E2, I think. I didn't notice that before.

No idea man.

I'm looking at integrating the shadow part of my personality. i think that there is where the event's i described above is stemming from. Watching some interesting videos from JBP on that:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv0029eZ5z8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PIDEx-GvnQ

[Greenduck]

Went to work today, and I could for the first time in a loong time see my ability to think have improved. I was able to comprehend information much better, structure things, think more creatively. Still not fully sharp, but huge improvement! Also I have had a hard time liking the receptionist at our office and thinking she is a grumpy b*tch, but today when I said hello we got contact in some way, and she smiled. I think it's more I that have changed and from that me becoming less judgemental which improved the relationship, than her changing (obviously...but still). Small things, but small things are important!

[Greenduck]

Huge improvments since I started, but it comes gradually and doesn't really feel like a big deal, just like a natural development. In general I am much less stress, more grounded, more able to think straight, much less fear and anxiety. Less invested in what other people think and feel. More solution oriented rather than worrying about things. Happier. Able to enjoy things like sitting in the sun on a bench, taking a walk, etc. More creative.

Still have some problems with anxiety, fear and stress, but over time I think they will be dealt with.

Hmm.. what more. Well I think I am more present. And yeah I procrastinate much less when doing things, I have a organized todo and when I start doing something I usually just carry on until it's finished.

Had a really tough day yesteday, but it passed, and I felt much better in the morning. Somewhere I think that my subC is starting to accept the script and started to heal.

[Greenduck]

I'm working on becoming more grounded every day and every day and I see progress. I feel more inside of my body, less worried about stuff that's about to come, and more present, in general less fear around other people and more ability to "stand my ground" in a general sense. I feel more and more at ease. I still have some bad days, and bad parts of good days, but things are constantly improving and moving toward a better place. I don't take stuff so personally as I did before. I'm feeling more and free. Today I sat down and played the piano for one hour, something I haven't done in years. And you know what? Many of the songs I knew before still are there, I can't recall them by writing them out in notes, but my fingers know how to play them. So cool. And I am starting to learn a new song that will take some serious dedication to master, and before I would think it would be impossible to master it, but now I just take it a step at the time and know that with dedicated effort and patience I will get it over time. Huge progress!

Oh yeah I went out this weekend and just enjoyed the music and dancing. I had some ladies rub themselves on me which felt pretty good, haha. Also a super cute girl came up to me and started chatting but I didn't really know what to do. Anyway, progress in being noticed at least! With time and as I heal and become more comfortable in myself again, things will become more smoother in the area of talking to girls I believe.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm so glad for you, Greenduck! You've gone from suicidal to this! It gives me hope because I've been dealing on and off with suicidal thoughts. I'm really looking forward to owning LTU5 in the future.

[Greenduck]

I'm so glad for you, Greenduck! You've gone from suicidal to this! It gives me hope because I've been dealing on and off with suicidal thoughts. I'm really looking forward to owning LTU5 in the future.

thanks bro. Yeah it has been a journey in the deep valleys but good things ahead. Shannon’s subliminals are a thing of its own. Good luck with your savings, I am sure that E3 will give you much value if LTU5 is to far away for your current situation and you need it.

[Broski]

Really awesome and inspoiring to see your great progress man! Hpppy for you!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm so glad for you, Greenduck! You've gone from suicidal to this! It gives me hope because I've been dealing on and off with suicidal thoughts. I'm really looking forward to owning LTU5 in the future.

thanks bro. Yeah it has been a journey in the deep valleys but good things ahead. Shannon’s subliminals are a thing of its own. Good luck with your savings, I am sure that E3 will give you much value if LTU5 is to far away for your current situation and you need it.

Thanks Greenduck.

[Greenduck]

Not really healing or LTU related but I just watched the big short for probably the third time, and damn that movie really is some real stuff. Showing the true colors of people acting as assholes and screwing over other people. I really liked some of the quotes in the movie:

"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble, it's what you know for sure but aint so"
"Truth is like poetry, and most people hate poetry"
"Everyone, deep in their hearts, is waiting for the end of the world to come."

This is so damn true on a deep level. And it's tragic. And it shows how important it is for you to stay curious and don't fall into the trap of living an easy life in ignorance. And that you can screw people over by doing so, not only yourself. And the responsibility that you have in living your life and not making things worse for others, but to stand up and to find truth, even if it's painful and a mess.

EDIT:
My mother is a real assh*le as I have noted earlier in the journal and in my last journal. She is malevolent. Really. She just do stuff to get a reaction from people. That is her main driving force for doing stuff. I have really tried to see something else, but that's it. She does things to get a reaction from other people. She talk to me and my dad in ways to provoke us, she play the victim, she is angry. Just a pain in the ass and a really negative person blaming the whole world (mostly my dad and I) for her problems. Previously I reacted to what she did, I answered her questions with a blaming connotation, but it goes more and more to that I just ignore her. I just can't put myself in a position where I give up my inner peace to deal with her shit.

I have done that my whole life, and I am no longer interested in pursuing that course of action. Her moods are her responsibility, if I haven't directly done something that I myself can agree on, that could have been reasonable to be upset with (which I have come to understand I don't really do, I am a easygoing person and have had an easy time to be with other people, and have been told that I am easy to be with, not in a way of people would run me over and being a sucker, but just being a emotionally stable and good guy to be with - this is however an issue that I haven't really been expressing my needs as I really wanted, which I have realized have been due to my mother always putting her emotional needs as the #1 priority for everyone which have made me draw back and don't really express my views and opinions maybe as I always wanted - but this is another issue, which I also work on however).

I'm tired of her shit. I'm tired of her view of how things "should be" and her self righteous way of being. When I have the funds to move out, I will. She isn't my responsibility and shouldn't ever have been. She is on her own, my feelings of guilt is slowly dissapearing and this is what have driven me so much in life. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Always overshadowing my needs and wants. LTU5 is really digging into the core issue that have been holding me back my whole life. I am ready to leave my f*cking narcissistic asshole of a mother behind.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Way to go, Greenduck! God! So many people making so many breakthroughs with LTU5! It's SOOO looking like it's worth the $1500 it costs! I'm getting it as soon as I can!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

---------------------------------------- Double post.

[Greenduck]

Had a really painful day today. i felt naked and exposed. Not able to shield myself of the environment. But it's growth. I'm getting there. To be in control, I need to pass the deep waters of being aware first. I know it's just something I am passing through, and that feels reassuring, a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. Also feel some anger and dedication coming up.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

It's very common we mention being in control here on this forum. I do it. Others do it. It's a common thing to mention. But sometimes I think about this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zY6Q-OnMTEE and question whether it's good to even try to be in control. On one hand, we really do have the ability to create the reality we want. On the other hand, seeking control seems to be a fear based thing. So I'm kind of confused as to how I should look at control.

Either way, awareness is a very good thing to strive for. I struggle with it. I go for meditation walks and struggle to be truly present the whole time. I'm glad to see you're getting there yourself though