Greenduck's LTU5 journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I have a feeling like I never knew who I was. Like life have just felt like a movie, not like the real thing through my life. Like I wasted the opportunity to develop myself. Like so much of my life have been wasted. I know other members also have written about it, so it's probably the sub at work. Maybe the letting go of the past, things that are healing from my past that's now coming to surface. I stick with the feeling and let it play out, knowing that it doesn't really matter what I have missed, only what is in front of me and what I can do with my life.

I want to connect with people. Make people laugh. Have good times. Be loved. Love. Be attracted to others, become attractive myself. Experience the excitement of taking on challenges in life, challenging myself. Be present. Cry, be vulnerable, take risks - and LIVE. I feel it's coming. It's something down under that's happening and I feel that I am close to tears. I want to be me, and I want to be proud and happy about being me, and knowing what that means.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I let SO MUCH of my life pass me by, but what I got is what's in front of me, not what's behind me. So I'm practicing the SAME DAMN RIFF to Thunderkiss '65 over and over again each day until I hav it down pat, then I get the rest of the song, then Black Sunshine, then a few more White Zombie songs, then I get to Metallica. That's the plan: Slowly, but surely. One thing I've learned from this website is whatever you choose is what you get. I choose to become a musician, come hell or high water, even if I'm already pushing 30 and I'm just starting, and all I can do right now is one riff, and I can't even do that well yet. I'll get there, slowly but surely.

I think this is really just a healing process-though-thing. We don't need to go around feeling that we have wasted our lives to be able to enjoy them. But interesting that we both share the same experience. Follow your dreams man!

I just had a though before stepping into the shower, that popped up into my head in english "you can accept yourself and still strive to become better" - that stuff is really profound. I haven't even realized that I was going with that kind of belief, but when I look at it it makes sense, I don't really felt that it was OK to accept myself as I was, because then I would never "become anything". This is clearly an inherited belief from my mother that have caused me a great deal of struggle in my ability to enjoy life, so I am excited to see how it plays out.

That is one of the most important realizations I have ever found.  I discovered it for the first time while I was researching how to get people to respond to the weight loss subliminal by achieving their goal weight.  One of the issues I found was that people either refused to accept themselves and punished themselves for being overweight - which led to them becoming more overweight - or they would try to "accept themselves as they are" and use that as an excuse to just do whatever they wanted, and never lose any weight.  It is so profound that it deserves to be repeated:

You can accept yourself and still strive to become better.

That's my current goal: accepting myself while striving to become better.