Greenduck's LTU5 journal

[Greenduck]

I was away this weekend with some friends which really was rewarding. Great company, good for, nature. I’m back home now and I think the trip has helped me more than I think. It showed me how normal people are and how in-normal my mother’s expectations on me are and how little I really need to play with what she expect. Her unconscious irritated way of being isn’t my problem and I don’t have to emphasize with it if I don’t want to, and have been doing compulsively in the past. I can tend to myself even when around other people even if it upsets them. Their upsetting emotional state is neither my problem or MY FAULT which is probably the biggest factor behind my suffering. I can stay in my own emotional state and be “egoistical” without guilt, not feeling that I need to change my way of being or catering other people’s needs or desires and neglecting my own internal equilibrium. All my interactions with other people should be on my own terms and my terms only. To have my actions dictated by others is something I have left behind, it’s not something I’m longer interested in tending to and not something I decide to do. I can stay in my own skin whatever happens around me and however upset people around me get, my emotional state is above all and I’m no longer interested in playing the game where my guilt is either used by someone else directly to impact my actions or how guilt is directing my own actions and priorities. However bad someone else feels it’s NEVER my obligation to cater to this. Emotional suffering isn’t my arena where I need to help with. I don’t need to solve problems just because other people have them or present them to me. I don’t need to convince other people of changing their course of action. I’m now letting go of all responsibility of the actions of other people and things I can’t control. My emotional well-being is the best path to other people’s healing, not me trying to make them feel better.

I needed to write that out. The sound of it sounds like LTU is getting more and more grip of me