Findingme's UMS journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks for the compliment EP

I didn't know you were autistic.  Have you ever written about it here on the forum?  That might shed light on some degree of resistance you've struggled with.  My ex-wife used to wonder if I had Asperger's since it's like high functioning Autism.  Thinking now, I believe she thought that since I was very resistant to her suggestions or demands about anything.  What I personally noticed was that I self-sabotaged almost anything constantly to hang on to my little "safe" view of my world.  My inner fear and pain was mostly unexpressed, but sabotaging myself was one "honest" expression of it.  Fear and pain mixed equaled anger,  and I pointed it at myself first, then her and my Mom second.  That was all I knew, even though it brought constant pain to me and my closest relationships.

"I didn't know you were autistic.  Have you ever written about it here on the forum?"

Naw I don't think so. Never really came up.

"That might shed light on some degree of resistance you've struggled with."


It might.

"My ex-wife used to wonder if I had Asperger's since it's like high functioning Autism" 

Yeah that's what I have, but they don't call it Asperger's any more. They now call it Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)


 "Thinking now, I believe she thought that since I was very resistant to her suggestions or demands about anything"

Then her comments say more about HER than they do about YOU, even if you WERE to turn out to be aspie.



"What I personally noticed was that I self-sabotaged almost anything constantly to hang on to my little 'safe' view of my world.  My inner fear and pain was mostly unexpressed, but sabotaging myself was one 'honest' expression of it.  Fear and pain mixed equaled anger,  and I pointed it at myself first, then her and my Mom second.  That was all I knew, even though it brought constant pain to me and my closest relationships."

That's useful information to take into account for my self healing. Thanks. Although I think I'm FINALLY past the main hurdle of just letting go of my exfriend and accepting and loving MYSELF. I have FINALLY moved on. I should probably mention that on my thread...

[findingme]

Your post made me think EP. My ex seemed to think I had Asperger's since I was rather reclusive when around her in public, and now that I think of it, I was insistent on being me, which was introverted. I know how to adapt to environments, yet all facades wear down over time. My ex is a true extrovert and is excited by large groups of people. She's always done well when in the spotlight. However, my facade was just that, and I would eventually withdraw in crowds of people. She is the only person who's ever said I might have Asperger's too.

[findingme]

I got up around 4 this morning. I'm usually up at this time, so I allowed it. I've been reading and re-reading my posts lately, looking for growth I'd overlooked, I read some business emails this morning, and I watched a short video that inspired me on doing what I don't want to do. I'm chatting with my miner presently (he's been in the hospital with a bug), and I'm going to take a walk after this post.

I'm writing to share my gratitude that UMS is a full package. One of its goals is to read and watch what causes UMS, and I've not felt old resistance or reluctance to do so. One is also to find joy while achieving UMS, and that's why I'm up now. This is fun!

Going back to doing what I don't want to do, I texted with my daughter yesterday, and her last text I'd missed since I didn't hear it. She asked me if I was coming for Christmas. I'd love to see her. What I'm choosing to do which is kind of unpleasant (but not really) is decline going with a friend to a millionaire's weekend in December. He's actually allowed me to decide to be with my daughter since this event has escaped his attention repeatedly lately. I was told at work I have 2 personal days to take before the new year, I texted my buddy earlier in the week, he said he'd get back to me, but he's not done so. I've gotten the message a number of times that this is not his priority presently. It's a fun gig, but not a priority. So, when my daughter asked, I KNEW I wanted to go.

Yep. This is fun

[findingme]

I was 8 or 9, and it was Christmas time. We were making ends meet, but that meant we had food in our bellies. I'm unsure if the rent was paid, but we'd been taking water from our neighbors to bathe and flush the toilet for many months now. I and my brothers had been searching the allies for wood to burn for heat, as we had a fireplace and no electricity. Several times we'd woke at 11 PM to go search for more firewood since supplies were scarce. We'd been searching the county ditches for soda cans and bottles to turn in for change, and my oldest brother used his sales skills to persuade people to allow him to clean and vacuum their cars at the nearby carwash.

My mom had recently left her 3rd marriage but was working. However, greatly fearing failure, she declined to learn those new things called computers, and she was a bookkeeper, AKA an accountant. She continued keeping all books on paper ledgers but was also demoted in her department. Her salary suffered, and her drinking increased. We'd go shopping at stores for her with paper food stamps, making sure we'd get back as much change as possible so she could purchase cigarettes and alcohol. We were a family, so dissension was not even given thought to by myself.

But something changed on Christmas Eve of that year. My mom had gone down to the local welfare office (I think) requesting a food basket and some help to pay the electricity. She was declined originally, yet she stayed. I know she wept sitting there, as she could turn it on easily, in her normal fashion. I was home during this outing of hers. We'd erected our plastic tree, put up all the ornaments, our stockings, even made a plate of treats for Santa.

About 3 hours later she showed up. She had so many bags of food and presents that ..... I didn't know how to take it except being excited. We had tons of food. We had loads of boy's toys, and we even had a new Christmas tree with all the lights and add-ons. But she saved the best for last. She went and flicked the light switch, and it came on! The water did too.

As best as I know, someone stepped in and gave us a very meaningful, beautiful Christmas. It was just overwhelming.

Why did I share this? It came up while doing laundry today at my normal spot. Something in me has changed lately, as I'm much more aware of my walk and presence around people. I'd seen an old coworker 2 hours earlier at my neighborhood park, and he said he'd recognize my walk anywhere. He's mid 20's, and he called my walk 'arrogant'. I felt slightly different today like I had power and influence, but I wanted to be personal and helpful with people. The old coworker is doing forex trading now, and I began sharing about how I'm doing with bitcoin mining. He even bought some on his phone while we shot hoops. We'll stay in touch over this.

A lot of Hispanic women were doing laundry today, and I saw them like they were mothers to someone. I softened while thinking of this, and my mind began imagining helping some on Christmas. I even had tears come while folding my laundry, and it linked to the story above. I had a similar day once while on DMSI 3.2 over a year ago, since I'd chosen to open my heart to people.

And my thoughts of helping weren't huge either. I imagined allowing people to do their laundry for free during Christmas week. The thought of giving of myself choked me up, for I've received it myself. Little things matter, and sometimes little things are not so little to people. It was unforgettable to me.

[findingme]

A battle is going on in me, and I felt it this morning upon waking. That battle concerns me accepting myself or not. It's no one else's battle, and I'm finally seeing that. I've avoided this for many years, and I've tried to bury and avoid it this morning while up. Even while writing here, I realized I'm trying to distance myself, like I'm looking at myself in 3rd person.

I did listen more than normal both Friday and Saturday since I had no obligations the next days. I'm writing since I'm feeling flashes of freedom here and there. I'm desiring this change.

[findingme]

I felt very emotional yesterday, and it was both new and familiar.

Yesterday was day 3 of my off days. Nothing different there. But I also received a large amount of BTC from my miner before heading to work. This was my capital amount for me to begin making money daily. However, I've not begun mining since I've not been able to figure out how to start in their system. Customer service on this site is on and off, and they were off all day yesterday.

I noticed old survival thinking trying to run the show in me. First it was victim thinking, and then, slowly, paranoia began. It was an extreme version of the victim mentality, yet I noticed clearly that it wasn't running me. It didn't take over my mind and emotions where I was its servant. That was cool amidst all this. This was a chaos storm trying to run me, and I still had control.

Throughout my day, I noticed a feeling like some old trauma had been dug up. The paranoia was still at its same power level, and I kept asking my miner questions to seek a solution to the mining issue. I constantly had this paranoid suspicion, but since I never gave it reign, I allowed that old trauma feeling to slowly surface. It, too, never took over, but I realized there was a root somewhere.

When I got home, I thought I'd just run ARA 5.75 to soothe me. However, being home meant I could drop my guard, and upon doing so, I realized I needed to attend to this in a direct, safe way. So, I ran UMS loops last night with no highlights of any kind. I felt better this morning.

I'd felt like some trauma case yesterday. Knowing I had tools to handle it kept me sane, but in the middle of it, I was questioning myself. I felt like I've survived with kid glasses on most of my life, and I had been fearing some quick and grand awakening, almost like I felt on UD years back. Like a major survival mechanism was shaken yesterday.

I still feel the same this morning, after thinking about it and writing this out. I'll listen to a single loop this morning, and run my loops tonight.

[findingme]

After I posted here this morning, I was able to chat with a customer service rep about my mining account. I let him know my wishes, and I left for work not hoping much.

My mining began 2 hours ago, and I'm definitely in profit. I'd not been aware they were so active in setting up my account, but he set it up just like I requested. Cool beans.

Running UMS loops now. I didn't feel off emotionally myself--but I was VERY aware of my driver's embedded victim mentality. I listened and watched him bring it into everything we spoke about. It was a toned-down version of the angry victim, and I felt it. I spoke up once about it but realized he didn't want what I spoke of. I found myself stepping towards the angry victim role, so I decided to let him be. Me trying to change him did not bring me peace, and it never has with anyone else. Letting people be themselves is their choice, not mine. I need to live in my own skin, not someone else's.

I'm bothered by this because......I'm seeing it/maybe looking for it in the family who's renting here now. Well, the boyfriend's a drinker, and last weekend I overheard him seeking some support from his future father-in-law while drinking, he didn't get it, and after the FIL left, he began a fight with his woman, him still seeking some pity and validation. He sought a blowup and made it out of nothing. It became him demanding his way and shooting himself in the foot ultimately. He finally left for the evening.

Why am I seeing this? Frick. I don't like the answer, but I must be using this means for attention myself. I am. I have been, even though it's been toned down some. Being around practicing victims is like them waking up to old strategies I've used. I'm sitting here doubting myself in getting rid of it, and I used it excessively for decades. I'm running loops now and will pay attention to it, looking for different choices as I go along.

A better question (it was poking at me inside) is "why?" Why am I seeking this in my own life? I'm seeking old "safe" ways of avoiding responsibility in life. That sounds true. Really true right now. Having a shit-ton of money isn't all la-la land. Mostly since I've been worrying about little hangups happening and imagining bad things happening down the road.

Which is why I'm grateful to have UMS working in me. I'd not have come this far 2 months back, pre-UMS. UMS is my financial shit repellant. Most of my shit has been mental. I'm grateful for the unique privilege of running a powerful, focused money sub while making so many changes in my financial life. I am grateful.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Never mind what you have done in the past. What matters is that you are more self aware and take responsibility for your life now. Keep growing and evolving, man! You're doing great!

[findingme]

Yeah. Taking responsibility now feels better than avoiding it.

For example, I was with a driver today who's been slower for a couple of reasons, but I chose to move quickly. It was not an "I'm afraid" motivation; it was quite different. I did it since I felt good doing it, and I told him a couple of times since he told me I was moving fast. I knew I could, and I wanted to do what I could rather than step down to another's low expectations of themself. I'd have sold out for his approval had I done that. I ran my speed; he ran his. I had no problems with that, and I felt productive today. It's a win-win in my book.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Awesome! Keep up the positive development!

[Paul1131]

Yeah.  Taking responsibility now feels better than avoiding it.  

For example, I was with a driver today who's been slower for a couple of reasons, but I chose to move quickly.  It was not an "I'm afraid" motivation; it was quite different.  I did it since I felt good doing it, and I told him a couple of times since he told me I was moving fast.  I knew I could, and I wanted to do what I could rather than step down to another's low expectations of themself.  I'd have sold out for his approval had I done that.  I ran my speed; he ran his.  I had no problems with that, and I felt productive today.  It's a win-win in my book.

I’ve noticed that too.  I wasn’t big on responsibility before, but now I actually like knowing that I had the control over my life all along even if I didn’t use it well.  If I was in control and caused myself to be in a less than ideal situation, then I have the ability to make it better.  We’re on the road to taking control over our lives.

[findingme]

I'm with you on every word you spoke Paul. I've been much more aware of my choices since I have much more desire and willingness to make changes in my life.

[findingme]

I've been listening to more hours of UMS on the weekends, and fear has been more obvious to me.

I've been on E3's sales page, and I found stuff I'd not seen. It says:

"The fear removal process introduces a new aspect to the healing and clearing process, as some healing and clearing cannot begin until the underlying fears have been dealt with first."

This is probably where I am now since fear seems to be holding a wall up keeping me from moving around freely in life. I've been feeling and facing fear with possible relationships, and also with family members, my sister specifically. I chose not to contact her on Thanksgiving Day, and a small part of me feels bad. I've had fears of holding back my truths when around her, so I actively stayed free from her presence.
Thought I'd report that.

With money, I've invested in more mining machines to get a larger profit. And speaking of making progress, last night I contacted my miner, but I began a blaming conversation with him. I realized this and began thinking about how I could steer this a right way--so I chose to ask him what he saw me doing, and he pointed out I keep returning to being fearful. He told me he's had long term visions for me growing my wealth, and the points he shared I was grateful to hear. He's not been moving in fear. I have. And I was unusually sensitive to hear how I was affecting him plus hear his own stresses in his business. So....E3 is making its way into my financial world finally in practical ways. E2 did this with other traders I've worked with, but E3 is showing me my fear--and I'm seeking to know more truth vs. long-held lies. Which is why I asked what he saw me doing.

I considered buying E3 during the sale.....but E3 in UMS is working. It has scripting so we'd not jump onto other subs to avoid issues. Done. I didn't pick up E3. UMS is doing plenty at this time.

[findingme]

This is my first off day, and I think E3 is working on old sexual traumas. It's showed by me feeling slightly uncomfortable (meaning physically vulnerable) around guys I've worked with today. I even had the fearful imagining of "am I gay?", which I've never thought of except when returning mentally to old sexual abuse periods in my life. Being gay has never been a desire of mine. But the events which happened linked sex with shame, self-depreciation, and self-doubt. Fear too, which is probably why I've been fearful of running DMSI and likely having sex. My fear again was "am I gay?". Returning to this fearful time makes me feel vulnerable, and I submitted out of fear during those experience(s). Last night I was remembering situational lead-ins to what happened. It wasn't normal, and it wasn't right.

E3 is stirring up those old waters, and it's happened before. It happened some on LTU5, and fear did not own me then. What I feel mostly now is sadness having to do with letting go of this marker in my life. The fear has kept me "safe"--and I just wrote that freely. I have believed that.

On LTU5 I went by this without digging in it at all. I remember feeling freer the following day. I'm on UMS due to its more aggressive E3, and so this is not a setback. I'm on the court, playing the game. I just have this idea that I won't really have to do much here, and this is AWESOME! I just have to tolerate some fear and only a small dose of old pain. I don't even know that though. That was fear speaking.