+- Subliminal Talk (https://subliminal-talk.com)
+-- Forum: Men's Journals (18+ NSFW) (https://subliminal-talk.com/Forum-Men-s-Journals-18-NSFW)
+--- Forum: Men's Journals (https://subliminal-talk.com/Forum-Men-s-Journals)
+--- Thread: Findingme's UMS journal (/Thread-Findingme-s-UMS-journal)
Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 10-19-2019
I began UMS on 10/2/19, and I've been doing a 4 on/3 off cycle, which has worked good for me. I'm doing 4 loops ultrasonic from my PC, and about 2 days a week I've put on an extra loop while at work.
Why did I begin UMS? I had started DMSI 3.3.2 when it was released, and it moved fast. Very, very fast. I was shocked by the intense desires to socialize on it, as I'm much more introverted. Well, yes, but no. I've not socialized mostly due to FEAR. No other reason. Hell, I was a teacher for a decade, so being around people doesn't scare me. But I pulled off DMSI since my anger surfacing scared me. I'd just come off LTU5, and its aim was more about me being loving and respectable to myself and others, so the anger frightened me. Considering recent revelations of UMS, I realize fear was making up imagined scenarios of me hurting others in my anger, but the root....the root was me fearing me exposing myself. In other words, me being myself around others, not phony.
Which is why I'm writing now. This morning I was realizing I'm in that "almost" state of crossing the line of change. I've noticed it for the last 3 or 4 days. Fear has held this ground all my life, and I've felt parts of me considering (even wanting) such changes, but anger (which is fear in disguise) has lifted its ugly head again. It's like a gatekeeper guarding me, but ..... it doesn't feel good. It feels miserable. Like I feel this suppression of who I am, which has been my norm, and UMS is warrioring for me, breaking down this wall.
And I'm glad I'm facing this. My #1 reason for jumping on UMS was to work through some emotional hindrances. E3 is more aggressive than in either E3 solo or even LTU5. I'm grateful to feel some pain of releasing old ways vs. the pain of constant suppression.
My #2 reason was motivated by the same fears I spoke of before. I have a very large supply of btc mined, and said fears were growing, reducing my willingness to grow, learn, and move forward financially. And UMS is deconstructing some old beliefs/feelings of mine regarding money. I grew up poor, my mom being on welfare a major part of her life.... but it was and is a miserable reality full of victim-minded thinking, hoping someone else/something else would come and save us. I've had uncomfortable realizations of this helpless mentality surface, but UMS isn't sitting pretty and accepting it. That mindset DOES NOT WORK! It just grows more misery, and with it, desires to escape, ignore, or avoid it.
So UMS is definitely doing what it was designed to do. Daily, I'm noticing more things I've avoided--mostly emotional hangups--and I am grateful I'm going through this.
P.S. I just read through my post. I have not begun a journal since being whiny and playing helpless were not helping anyone, me mostly. E3 is definitely working!
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 10-20-2019
I've heard all my life that "money changes people", and as I've been moving along with this last year's investment, the truth in that statement is "money doesn't change people; the responsibility of handling money (or avoiding responsibility) changes people".
This was a big concern pre-UMS, as handling large amounts of money was always linked to fantasy thinking, like "I can hide from life with lots of money". I could do that, but it took so much damn work even imagining it. I have mostly hidden from fears in life. Now seriously, THAT scared me. Having permission and opportunity to hide, in my experience, invites more fear.
I've been seeking out answers to these fears via different investment strategies, and I'm still looking up ideas. I have a solid idea, and the one reason I'm still looking is........it's boring. Not unprofitable, just very, very predictable. I'm seeing I've associated money with a constant hypervigilance which keeps me being even subtly stressed most of the time. Which keeps me heading to work--ughh. Work is not hard where I'm employed, but fear at almost any level is steadily angering me. And this has been my main motivator of achievement at my work. And it's a main reason for fantasizing over quitting.
I'm seeking other's experiences in history or in present life to see how different people think under such changes. I'd also like to thank Shannon for putting in goal #55: Make yourself able to handle and deal with the changes that UMS brings, and do so with ease and confidence.
I'm finding it less stressful to seek out new ideas or possibilities for investments, as real estate is on my radar currently. I watched a webinar last night, and the idea is pretty doable--being a middleman for buyers and sellers.
My last sharing this morning is something which happened maybe 30 minutes ago. I'm on my 2nd rest day, but a real desire built up, and I listened to a single loop. Some emotional stuff was stirring, both before and after, which is why I did this. After listening, I was in the bathroom considering what I'd do today, and I began going back in my thinking like I might just hide today. In fact, I tried going there mentally, and tears surfaced. It felt similar to grieving tears I've felt on other IML subs, and it clicked that UMS is pushing me out of this old way of thinking. I felt the grief of losing ground to old habits of mine. UMS is making change in me. This makes me happy now
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - Ale - 10-20-2019
In my experience, I don' think money changes people... it's more like it makes them show themselves how they always were in the first place.
Good to see you're feeling the sub running. When I was on my first bloom, I also felt an urge to listen to the sub again. Now I'm on bloom again and so far I don't feel this way.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 10-20-2019
"Show themselves how they always were"
I've heard that many times too. I realize I'd mentally side-stepped that truth, as reading it was and is uncomfortable. Yes, I've had fears of doing stupid shit with money, thus working against myself.
This sub is having me face my truths: my dark, ugly parts of myself. Doing some internal battles presently, as those sour beliefs are hindering me. I am glad they're surfacing, for I can't change what I'm oblivious to.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - Paul1131 - 10-20-2019
(10-20-2019, 07:52 AM)findingme Wrote: "Show themselves how they always were"
I've heard that many times too. I realize I'd mentally side-stepped that truth, as reading it was and is uncomfortable. Yes, I've had fears of doing stupid shit with money, thus working against myself.
This sub is having me face my truths: my dark, ugly parts of myself. Doing some internal battles presently, as those sour beliefs are hindering me. I am glad they're surfacing, for I can't change what I'm oblivious to.
Money doesn’t change people. Having a lot of it, or having anything else that gives them the ability to act as they please just reveals who they are. So if someone gets rich and starts acting like a jerk, they were a jerk before, they just didn’t think they had the power to avoid the repercussions.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 10-20-2019
(10-20-2019, 06:31 PM)Paul1131 Wrote:(10-20-2019, 07:52 AM)findingme Wrote: "Show themselves how they always were"
I've heard that many times too. I realize I'd mentally side-stepped that truth, as reading it was and is uncomfortable. Yes, I've had fears of doing stupid shit with money, thus working against myself.
This sub is having me face my truths: my dark, ugly parts of myself. Doing some internal battles presently, as those sour beliefs are hindering me. I am glad they're surfacing, for I can't change what I'm oblivious to.
Money doesn’t change people. Having a lot of it, or having anything else that gives them the ability to act as they please just reveals who they are. So if someone gets rich and starts acting like a jerk, they were a jerk before, they just didn’t think they had the power to avoid the repercussions.
Just what is it you're afraid you'll do if you have money? For me, it's pretty simple what I imagine I'll do: get my own place and travel the world. Can't imagine doing anything negative with it. What kinds of things do you think you might do? Just curious.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - Zane - 10-20-2019
I havnt given UMS-5.5G a shot but I already have bought one in advance.
Right now I am listening to ARA-5.75G after being on USLM3 for about 11 months.
For me getting money is get free from chains of society and not depend on anyone else to pay my bill and needs.
My Desire for earning and investing money much much greater than anything else right and I am so Damn sure that I will get there that I can bet my life on it..
Learn and face your fears.. Believe in yourself.. That's all you need.. Along with subliminals ofc.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 10-21-2019
(10-20-2019, 07:30 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: Just what is it you're afraid you'll do if you have money? For me, it's pretty simple what I imagine I'll do: get my own place and travel the world. Can't imagine doing anything negative with it. What kinds of things do you think you might do? Just curious.
I didn't have to think much about this answer, as I feel it right now. Old, strong, self-punishing beliefs still exist in me. I've been fearful of me punishing myself for breaking the family norm or unspoken rule that poverty was our lot in life. Fucked up, I know. My mom lived in that helpless, limiting belief, and I accepted it myself to support her. One of UMS's goals is to stop punishing oneself with poverty. I expect this change in me might be subtle, but maybe not.
It's tied to a fear of losing her love when I do this, and more specifically, a fear that I'll abandon her. Me abandoning her has been a major fear tied to money since she always relied on guilt and pity to meet her needs. She passed in July, but those fears are very much alive.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 10-21-2019
Thanks for that question EP. I'm processing this now, seeking to know what's really true vs. what I've just accepted.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 10-21-2019
To clarify what doing "stupid shit with money" means, I live in a small city with lots of money. Stupid money. Me being stupid with money would be me wasting it, giving it away, not managing it. Purposefully losing it or investing in unwise projects or people.
All out of guilt, punishing myself for breaking unspoken rules. That's stupid. I don't want to live like that, yet presently, those are my biggest hangups. I'll definitely listen to loops today at work.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - EvolvingPhoenix - 10-21-2019
(10-21-2019, 12:28 AM)findingme Wrote:(10-20-2019, 07:30 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: Just what is it you're afraid you'll do if you have money? For me, it's pretty simple what I imagine I'll do: get my own place and travel the world. Can't imagine doing anything negative with it. What kinds of things do you think you might do? Just curious.
I didn't have to think much about this answer, as I feel it right now. Old, strong, self-punishing beliefs still exist in me. I've been fearful of me punishing myself for breaking the family norm or unspoken rule that poverty was our lot in life. ***** up, I know. My mom lived in that helpless, limiting belief, and I accepted it myself to support her. One of UMS's goals is to stop punishing oneself with poverty. I expect this change in me might be subtle, but maybe not.
It's tied to a fear of losing her love when I do this, and more specifically, a fear that I'll abandon her. Me abandoning her has been a major fear tied to money since she always relied on guilt and pity to meet her needs. She passed in July, but those fears are very much alive.
Ahhh. I see. Wow man, I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. I have faith in you and UMS though!
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 10-22-2019
(10-21-2019, 06:06 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: Ahhh. I see. Wow man, I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. I have faith in you and UMS though!
Thank you for your words EP. I thought of this this morning, and I was pained by looking like I was seeking pity, as it's something I'd done for years, and I ended up just not speaking my thoughts since words can move people. For myself, I realized I was using people to get attention. The focus being "using people". I didn't feel good doing it in times past, and I want to clarify my growing emotional want and awareness using UMS.
I am intentionally on UMS since it has a stronger E3. Before Shannon's subs, I'd feel something real, like sadness, joy, hope, anger, or anything really. However, I often quickly dissociated from that feeling. True emotions (without guidance) scared me since no emotional guidance was available growing up. And as an adult, I mostly felt like a child emotionally. And that connection to my past would create tons of fear (of just the emotions) since I often felt helpless and undeserving growing up. Help wasn't there, so asking for it was perceived as very dangerous.
This happened on a regular basis in young adulthood. I didn't have major lows, but the fear of them kept me dissociating and distracting myself on a daily basis.
UMS's E3 has this more assertive push into the REAL emotions, which had I not done LTU5, they might have spooked me. But enough major fear has been removed that I am much more open and willing--and wanting--to go into them. I'm not terrified like I used to be. I still have fear, but not the full-force, quickly reactive avoidance like I used to experience.
I'm realizing I want to heal. I want to associate myself again with parts I felt I'd thrown away. Parts I don't easily recognize.
For example, in whome's DMSI thread, a question was posed about love replacing fear. Shannon scripted that love would replace fear. Something clicked in me since when I was on E2, I had this wonderful feeling come upon me in my last month on it, though I couldn't recognize it. I remember genuinely smiling a LOT.
Then, in my early days of LTU5, a similar feeling came up, and I actually looked for that feeling. I took a nap at lunchtime one day, and woke up greatly refreshed! By me shutting my mind down (with all my fears), vivid emotional memories flooded back. Thinking on Shannon's words, love had hit me, and I didn't recognize it! I am seeking this now on UMS, though I'm only doing 4 loops presently. I'm on my 3rd week.
Sounds a bit cheesy, but so what. I feel better by loving myself, and I'm going to keep looking for it. Feels way better than fear
So, I'm not sorry I'm feeling sad at times (or any other emotion). The FRM is allowing my emotions to surface, and that is truly living. Sadness and other emotions may seem hard, but now I'm feeling them, facing them, and going through them without all the tentacles of fear. This is beautiful
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - findingme - 10-23-2019
I'm finding old resistance methods fighting harder to stay alive. Most of it involves victim thinking. As I've looked over my recent posts, though I'm saying "I don't like this", part of me is speaking victim-ish and helpless in my head. However, it's coming closer to being a discussion in my head vs. an undiscussed mandate. Just thought I'd report it since I've seen others share it too.
Money-wise, one of UMS's goals is to not quit. Another is to use our creativity to help create UMS. I found another (temporary) block in withdrawing yesterday after I called Blockchain. I'm finding myself in my own head, considering different ways things could be handled. I've often been very passive in receiving money, and playing an angry victim if things didn't work out. That thinking hurts me, as in my experience, passivity is just me punishing myself via inaction. I found a possible solution, emailed Blockchain, and will likely call them up again since it moves much faster. UMS is changing my thinking.
RE: Findingme's UMS journal - Zane - 10-23-2019
No, matter what we do change is never easy and it never will be but once we learn to adapt to that it turns hell into heaven.
I remember how you were back then but now you know that what's going on within you and you know more about yourself than you have in your previous years...
You are now rising above what you were before.. Have faith, trust in yourself.. Believe in yourself.. The outside is just and illusion.. Keep moving forward my friend.