Findingme's UMS journal

[findingme]

Thanks EP!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks EP!  

And thanks to YOU as well

[findingme]

I've been bothered by a decision agreed on by me and my male miner regarding something we might do in my mining account, and I was torn while working today. I'm unsure--no, I'm scared. Taking personal responsibility for this was what hung on me throughout much of today. I realize I'm trying to find old childhood comforts and imagined safeguards, but it just ain't working.

And when I first began wrestling with this issue, I turned to my most used coping mechanism--ignoring and even attempting to shut down the real me inside. Within minutes, I realized the disconnect since I felt it. It absolutely sucked. I abandoned who I am and what's important to me, and that's when I felt lonely. It sucks feeling like this. And doing this was my standard practice for decades in my life. Being numb and disconnected meant I wouldn't hurt.

I'm not exactly sure why it started today, but I began getting annoyed with my driver who I thought had ignored some repeated requests (3x). After about an hour of holding little grudges against him, I saw what was going on.

I was mad at him increasingly since I felt he was ignoring me. I thought he should _______________ or _____________. You know, it was "his" fault. I had made him responsible for me and my mood. No s***. What clicked was I had my attention and focus on him, and I'd seen this blaming mindset before. He was my scapegoat so I'd not focus on me and what I was feeling. It was even confirmed within me minutes later. One request I kept making and signaling to him was to pull far enough up for each stop. That way, I could just sling a can inside the back of the garbage truck. But he kept stopping short, making me walk backwards, spending more energy than is needed. I wasn't overly mad, but I finally slung a can at the side of the truck so he'd "get it". It bounced off, and I looked at him in the mirror. He was smiling. We both began laughing, and I saw it. I was angry at him since he wasn't being responsible for me. He wasn't who I was in conflict with, really. He couldn't change anything in me.

Taking responsibility for my own life is where in my head I'm hanging back, trying NOT to be responsible. At this moment, I'm even unsure why. Seriously, I've been finding scapegoats my whole life. It worked, I've felt very unconfident doing this, but UMS is focusing on this. I'm a little mad, even personalizing UMS. "Dammit UMS, give me a BREAK!" Strangely enough, I feel really young writing that.

Right now I'm hot mood-wise, but frustration and tears might come this weekend. I've chosen scapegoats so I'd not face the fear I've had. Something is stewing in me. I'd not personally choose to work on this, but UMS has different plans it seems.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Hmm. I can somewhat relate to what you're talking about here. You know, not taking personal responsibility and becoming disconnected from my true self as a result. I hope things get better man. I'm glad to see your healing and working on these issues.

[Paul1131]

Good progress man. The places that you don’t want to dig are usually where you should be. I think the toughest part for me was recognizing the victim mentality I look down on in others in myself, and admitting to it.

[findingme]

Thanks guys. I began writing yesterday, but stopped. Though I was emotional, I didn't want to start the victim speak and thinking. I know where it goes and how I feel in it, so I stopped. I'm still feeling what came up yesterday though. But my sub rest period begins today.

My plans for working Saturday were changed by my supervisor last minute Friday night, so I stayed home all day listening to 6 loops of UMS. It was working on something deep, and I am extremely grateful of the big picture here, as I flew off the handle at my male miner.

He'd shared how he was considering handing over my mining funds instead of him holding onto the funds. I said ok, but it tripped something in my head, as I wondered if he'd been lying to me about a financial outcome--a big one which he'd given me. I took a shower, and during it, my inhibitions came down. I finished my shower, and the first thing I did was come and directly ask if he had lied to me. My anger was getting hotter, so I kept writing, kept striking at him with accusations stemming from old hurt being picked at all day by UMS.

Here's where something really good showed up. For the last few months, I've been sharing my experiences on LTU5 with him, and UMS this last month. I've shared how UMS has been hitting me on an emotional level, how it's gone straight to some deep roots of mine, and he even shared earlier this week about being in tears himself over family issues. I'd like to say others haven't opened up to me online before, but he is the first male to do so. Having worked with women traders and miners over time, a few have opened up to me about big emotional pains in their lives.

And his first response to me was along the lines of "I'm not sure what trauma you've had with people financially.......". This made me aware he knew something had been picked at by UMS. It was my turn to be quiet and listen. He didn't vent though. After an hour or so, I came back and explained what had happened. And I said 3 times it's not an excuse. My triggers were out, and I'd harmed him in the process. Both then and even now I'm wondering if he was used as a scapegoat. Was I angry at myself and throwing it at him? I'm not sure. But a sadness came up when considering that.

How angry and resentful have I been at myself for fearing and avoiding success? 'A bit. Quite a bit.

I've never owned that. I think I'm starting to. Which is pretty likely why I vomited at my miner. Which hurts.

A memory came up in those last sentences of me doing similarly with my daughter 2 years back when I visited her in Kentucky. I had so much anger and disgust for myself, and I blew up at her VERY unexpectedly, devastating her emotionally. I balled heavily afterwards, knowing I'd really fucked up then. I was scared of owning my shit, and I damaged someone else with it. I feared I'd killed our relationship. Though not as intense, that same feeling came up with my miner. Damn.

Like with my daughter for months, I was in "heal the relationship" mode. And what just came up was me needing to forgive myself now.

[findingme]

Here's a connected note. In the last 12 hours, I began looking up AM journals, reading one for a good while. I picked up AM6 at the last sale IML had, and I've not had intention of running it anytime soon.

I'm attracted to it since it handles all of me, the social, mental, and emotional parts, all in one package. I've chosen 5.5 subs over AM6 repeatedly, but gaining confidence in one's self is quite a magnet during this very unconfident stage of rooting out emotional traumas. More specifically, I felt a part of me feel freer emotionally this morning, and that was like something said "now I'm ready for this". There's some truth in that statement, but it's also a bit of resistance playing in my head, 5.75 style. I'm not jumping, just dreaming.

I've been focusing on emotional growth and healing for years, so the thought and reality of breaking through excited me. Being able to move on to bigger life goals for myself is a real desire of mine.

In fact, I even had to check my start date with UMS this morning, as it's felt a lot longer than what I thought. I began October 2nd, so these changes have altered my sense of time.

I am dreaming though.

[findingme]

I'm becoming vividly aware of how often and how much I've avoided relationships with people. I was seeing it all day at work, and even when I got home.

At break time with my driver today, we stopped, and within minutes, another driver came by and socialized with us. I'm aware I'd been on my feet for 4 hours, so after 10 minutes with them, I walked away to go sit in the truck. In the past, I'd have sat down first, using any excuse to validate my choice. But some lies to myself seemed to be not be so powerful today. I chose to talk with the driver a number of times today, while seeking to be aware of what he needed too. I had a good day at work, and my actions definitely played an active part.

Then, upon coming home, I managed to hit a full cardboard box out for pickup while turning in my driveway. I'd spun my tire, which caught the box, and papers were all over the road. My next door neighbor, who I've been uncomfortable around since he's extremely lonely and always giving unsought solutions, came out with a rake, and he helped me clean up the mess with me. I was more filled with appreciation for his company and assistance in this. He had willingly helped me, and I valued his company.

I'm not sure what this shows, but it is a change in me. I had good relationships today, and I enjoyed being interactive and honest with both. I even shared my present financial setup with my driver, sharing how my mind has been daydreaming a lot lately vs. being glued to the job. Since this guy is about 5 years from retirement, he could definitely relate.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm becoming vividly aware of how often and how much I've avoided relationships with people.  I was seeing it all day at work, and even when I got home.  

At break time with my driver today, we stopped, and within minutes, another driver came by and socialized with us.  I'm aware I'd been on my feet for 4 hours, so after 10 minutes with them, I walked away to go sit in the truck.  In the past, I'd have sat down first, using any excuse to validate my choice.  But some lies to myself seemed to be not be so powerful today.  I chose to talk with the driver a number of times today, while seeking to be aware of what he needed too.  I had a good day at work, and my actions definitely played an active part.

Then, upon coming home, I managed to hit a full cardboard box out for pickup while turning in my driveway.  I'd spun my tire, which caught the box,  and papers were all over the road.  My next door neighbor, who I've been uncomfortable around since he's extremely lonely and always giving unsought solutions, came out with a rake, and he helped me clean up the mess with me.  I was more filled with appreciation for his company and assistance in this.  He had willingly helped me, and I valued his company.

I'm not sure what this shows, but it is a change in me.  I had good relationships today, and I enjoyed being interactive and honest with both.  I even shared my present financial setup with my driver, sharing how my mind has been daydreaming a lot lately vs. being glued to the job.  Since this guy is about 5 years from retirement, he could definitely relate.

As an autistic individual, I can relate to this issue quite a bit. I am so glad to see you slowly healing this issue and moving towards being free of it! You're making great progress! Keep it up!

[findingme]

Thanks for the compliment EP

I didn't know you were autistic. Have you ever written about it here on the forum? That might shed light on some degree of resistance you've struggled with. My ex-wife used to wonder if I had Asperger's since it's like high functioning Autism. Thinking now, I believe she thought that since I was very resistant to her suggestions or demands about anything. What I personally noticed was that I self-sabotaged almost anything constantly to hang on to my little "safe" view of my world. My inner fear and pain was mostly unexpressed, but sabotaging myself was one "honest" expression of it. Fear and pain mixed equaled anger, and I pointed it at myself first, then her and my Mom second. That was all I knew, even though it brought constant pain to me and my closest relationships.

[findingme]

I've been listening to hybrid loops tonight, and some fears have been rising since I've sat on them all day.

The short story is I learned my miner is wanting to half my present bitcoin amount so we can mine separately. The amount I'll start with is astronomical, and I'll be bringing in an unimaginable amount weekly, while he'll be making much more than me. His cut is 10%, and he requested the halving since higher amounts actually stress him.

I'm trying to wrap my head around it. I worked with my NYer coworker today, and I finally admitted a major fear. I started the discussion like I needed him to answer for me, but I realized soon enough that I needed to admit it to me. I'd associated having mass wealth with ....... well, fear. I'd thought more money meant more fear, so I'd associated this with me ultimately hurting people and myself by abandoning them. This thought brought great pain, so I essentially told on myself, hoping to lessen it. It did help. Someone knows (some of) my income. What I didn't share was the amount my miner will be bringing in, since his gains compounded on a weekly basis grow staggeringly fast.

Later in the day my coworker and I talked more about the money amounts coming in by myself alone, and my intro to this was "holy s***!" since it's something people only fantasize about. I have rarely given imagination to such amounts since I linked it with fear. So UMS is definitely working on this fear plus the adjustment to it.

I'll let both bitcoin amounts grow before doing any withdrawals, and I'll keep it growing. My main IV's are whole life insurance policies. Contractual returns, taxes only on dividends, or exempt from legal threats. Passed on to family with no probate expenses. I've heard about putting them in a trust, but I'm very uninformed on trusts presently.

And what I wanted to watch tonight and just remembered while writing: I bought a collection of interviews with people who have big reputations in wealth building, and I purposely picked the package with a bonus aimed at showing one's children how to live wisely with such wealth. I'd picked up that trustfund babies have had major life struggles since no education was given to them on handling the wealth. It killed their aspirations early on, and without a drive, so can a purpose in life not be sought or seen. This wealth figure made a teaching for parents to help guide them.

[findingme]

I'm becoming more aware of my barriers with people, and I am struggling a little with an invite I got to meet some coworkers in a bar Saturday night. I work with these guys but. I've always stopped there. Maybe it's me fearing--nah, not maybe. I'm fearing letting go of MY past, where I've sat with selective, sanitized memories. Fearing I'll be a little boy, thinking I'm helpless around adult men, me giving in to almost any request. I felt secure when younger, and I need to care for that part of me. Maybe I can hold him; others have spoken of doing this in their minds, where such relationships grow.

I'm trying to find a reason to not go by writing, but it's bullshit. Just scared. --I don't have any "masks" for such environments. I don't drink, but that isn't a reason either. Just scared. This is where I am. This is all in my head too, and I don't have to decide now, so I'll be kinder now to myself.


I'd originally come to admit that I felt like I'd put up walls in my last post by saying "I've got money". I was thinking about that today. I even feared I was being ignorant to others. I tend to constantly look for people in worse shape than I am, for it's an ego boost to help people. I've realized that lately and am wondering about a mature reaction; mature, not esoteric. I've not reached the comfortableness with financial success yet. And battling some self-pity, if it's possible. Old ways are still seeking their home base of "normal", though I've allowed some change on UMS. However, the old ways have not submitted yet.

Still running 6 loops 4 on, 3 off. Day 3 today of my "on" days.


I'm seeing a lot today. I realized I do this kind of manipulation to draw good codependents in to "rescue" me from my fear. It feels good admitting that as compared to the former hidden intention. I am anxious now, simply since I'm realizing truths of mine, and I've often ran the opposite way. Maybe the FRM is finally getting through to these things. I have felt a little more tired this week, bordering on wanting to rebel to anyone manipulating me. I've been napping more, getting to bed earlier, and choosing to snooze even though I'm actively working on getting up earlier.

I'm also realizing my short bursts of tears are me submitting to UMS' instructions (I had some 5 minutes ago, and I'm running UMS now). I've actually been dodging a change or changes in my life on UMS. What has scared me are deep emotional changes. Well, specifically going THROUGH the emotional changes. My past was me trying to stay in one "safe" spot, and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm facing that.

[findingme]

I'm nervous about writing this, but I'm feeling it for some reason.

It's 5 days from Thanksgiving, and I've purposely not hooked up with any family or friends yet to join them. One old MO of mine was using pity, and quite frankly, I do NOT want to use this.

The second motive is ignoring how I've related to people and mostly assuming they thought well of me. I "know" that's my biggest fear now, seeing it while writing.

The simple open door is with my sister. And I'm sick of putting on nice faces around overpowering, manipulative people, which is her norm. Her MO is "my shit stinks! Like it?" And anything truthful is fought against. Her family has learned to agree with her so they don't face her wrath. Quite egotistical.

Yet, I'm torn. I'm blaming, so I call bulls***. I know I put on masks instantly when around her, so I'm enabling her BS. I've seen it time and time again where her reaction to me being honest with her is her playing the angry victim to my truths. She insists on being boss in her home, which is not comfortable due to it demanding we all bow to her demand for control. BUT I think it's a setup. I'm sick of her egotistical ways, and simultaneously, I'm wondering how much I may be projecting my stuff onto her. I can live better by being honest with myself.

Something that pokes me is me seeing myself in her. I have done the exact same as her, meaning not taking responsibility for myself, and putting all my happiness in other's hands, meaning they were expected to "perform" in a certain way. It's loaded with resentment landmines left and right, as NOONE ever fulfills our expectations 100%. One failure builds on another, and tension builds quickly. That's why I'm tense in her presence. I'm also seeing that I made her my scapegoat so it'd be "her fault".

And I'm realizing I've held to this old way of relating to her. Even now, I'm expecting/hoping/wanting her to change to make me happier. That isn't going to happen. I'm changing, and I've not accepted that fully.

A question for me: what do I have to accept so I can be at peace with her, or even with anyone? I've hidden for years behind lies that I didn't need to change, and the FRM is allowing me to see this. Change is inevitable. It's also what life is all about. Am I ready for this change? (questions for myself)

[findingme]

I'm reporting mental money changes here. UMS is a major game-changer since it changes our whole foundation. I've been seeing evidence of that these last few weeks.

Roughly 7 years ago, I began getting into online business ideas. I was newly separated from my wife, I was living alone, and I thought "why don't I try something?" I didn't want to regret it later, so I began looking at online opportunities. I tried out some small opps, but it felt wrong and rushed constantly; a major motivator for many marketers was fear that I'd miss out. Only 2 of those businesses still exist, as they were bigger even then. They were legitimate too.

The mental change I've noticed is an awareness that most online businesses are nothing more than another job. I have a job presently, but most online businesses are set up to "have me", meaning unless I peddle or create constantly, no income will come. But years ago, I learned that being an investor was where I wanted to be. I could be an employee, a specialist running a small business, an investor, or a big business owner. It was advised even then to shoot for being an investor, as one's money makes one money there. Most people think of real estate or trading, which are legitimate investments if one is aware of how to make these work profitably.

I still receive daily emails from legitimate online business owners, and before I began writing this post, I'd checked some. I then read some UMS posts. Some users of UMS are heading the route where a job has them, and I realized I've made some progress. Me looking at some of the common businesses--or rather marketing approaches--made me see this. What I hear when I see many opportunities is an appeal to users not doing so much work, like easier selling or marketing. I also get emails regarding investing, and I actively look into them for things I'd not seen or considered before.

I choose the investor route and have eyed it for years since it is the "easier" way. I'd felt nervous before, but subs even before UMS (USLM, LTU5, even E2) began working on my inner roadblocks. I jumped into one just one asset a year ago with only $700, and it's been considerably higher for months since I traded a percentage of my profits for others to work it. I've associated with those in the field regularly, and I am glad I have. For me, it's the way to go, and I'm learning daily.

One well-known investor is asked regularly "is (any opportunity) a good investment?" He's gotten wiser and regularly replies with "I don't know. Are you a good investor?" Challenging my self-deception via subliminals has awakened my courage and determination, and I wouldn't be where I'm at without Shannon's subs. And due to the asset's nature and my outsourcing the busy work, I have very little to do in the process. My money's made money, which is what I signed up for.