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Title: Findingme's UMS journal
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#85
I'm a mix between sadness and fear, but I'm writing.

I was home all day, originally planning on doing laundry and shopping. But since I changed my bank account numbers 2 days ago, my debit card wasn't working. I contacted my bank, and out of fear I didn't go to it today, fearing something scary like it might work. I associated that with going out shopping and me hiding behind some mask. I was afraid of doing the same things which I regretted later, and I resisted.

The FRM is showing me fears, and what's inviting to me is they mostly show themselves when I'm around people. Seeing as I could be a homebody, this actually challenges me. For example, I went out to test my card to buy milk 30 minutes ago. I told the cashier I wasn't sure it'd work, and then it got approved. I was purposefully nice to the cashier, desiring to be real, and I succeeded.

When I began driving home though, new understandings were clashing with my old paradigm. I was being hard on myself seeing how I've protected myself by actively avoiding fearful outcomes and situations. And this is why I feel sad, like resisted sadness. I know fear isn't protecting me. UMS is showing me that. The strain I felt was realizing there was freedom out there which takes commitment to take and hold--vs. the long held feeling and belief that hiding from relationships and responsibility is the safest thing to do. My old ways are clashing with the new.

I'm fearing tomorrow morning I'll wake with the same fears and still wish to hide. As an adult male, that makes no sense in the real world. Yet I've lived in a fantasy world for a long time and found it safe. However, even small rewards like my exchange with the cashier tonight felt bigger and brighter than 12 hours at home, fearing numerous things.

I've had such experiences on other subs before, where something in me changes quickly when around people, and vividly. Simultaneously, my resistance is speaking up, and I'm seeing it.

But tomorrow's not here yet. Presently, the inner battle of old vs. new is going, and I have 8 more hours of UMS to run. One day at a time.
I want to be FREE!
 
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#86
I've had clear thoughts this morning, followed by fear, and when I get frustrated like that I begin asking "where did this come from?"

The fear isn't new and overpowering, it's an old predator looking for vulnerability in me. Found out about some illegit practices with my miner yesterday, and I'm desiring to get my money and get out. Not sure how or if I'll do that. Anger doesn't bring good returns.

Then upon wakening this morning, I remembered something I'd seen yesterday in an IG post.

"Slow success builds character, fast success builds ego."

I saw my ego growing when I thought I'd won the 500k. But thankfully the big guys in business are successful since they've been doing this for years, not months. There are defeat stories we might never hear about from them until years later. And this calmed me, as I don't have answers yet. I did find some sanity in this, for it made less dependent on specific results.

Going out to shop and do laundry. I feel some fear--and it's always been there. Ticks me off that I feel fear almost constantly, but it is challenging me to grow.
I want to be FREE!
 
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#87
I want to report something that stirred in me today, and it's never been so clear before.

Going back first, I've had clear times on UD mostly, but E2 too, where I'd go out in public, and since I was liking what I was feeling so much, my normal MO of meeting looks, smiling, or acknowledging someone was put off to the side. What was going on inside me felt way more important, and my self esteem had been taken out of other's control and back into my own. I had a related experience today.

I'd done my laundry, so heading home I stopped at Wally world to get something. When I was leaving, I remembered some women outside while I was coming in, and I thought they were fundraising for something. I'd planned on speaking to them to be nice. That didn't happen though.

They may have been pitching something, but upon walking outside, they both turned to me, didn't say anything, but one of them lit up wide-eyed. I was obviously not wanting to put on a mask, but her lighting up made me smile. I mumbled something, and I kept walking. What entered my mind while I was walking was "I tire myself out trying to make everybody happy". That's when I remembered and held on to past memories of not giving myself away when on that subliminal execution high.

I'd just never heard my thoughts so clearly before. I remembered just feelings before. And seconds ago, I had feelings come up quickly while writing, which were fears saying "is this alright to feel?"

The FRM is doing something.
I want to be FREE!
 
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#88
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#89
I'm comparing myself against other's success, and it doesn't feel good. I'm trying to be detached from my circumstances, but it ain't working. I just went into my emails, which is a habit in the mornings, and focused on one business email. The only reason I'd do this one business is for the money, seriously. But I'm not really an advocate of vaping, and it's a wholesale business. Money is the only attraction.

The root of my discouragement is my female miner set me up from the start a year ago with a bogus support contact, him posing as a Blockchain customer support rep. And I've sent money to him throughout the year. I'd been feeling very wary since she tried to bully me out of my profits 2 weeks back, and it's been growing in me. Not a helpless panic, but rather a insistence on knowing what's really going on. I sent a support ticket to Blockchain, and I found out the email I was given is a scam email. And I've not contacted the female miner yet since I'm too lit about it. I'd attack too quickly.

I've been trading with another male miner who I've shared this whole story with. Yesterday I left a message with him that I wanted to write her, but I sought his opinion about how to contact her. He messaged me last night, but I was already in bed. I found one of UMS's goals is to detect and accept good advice for UMS and to also detect and reject bad advice, and I'm seeing and feeling a difference.

My mind has been eyeing other opportunities though, knowing whether I gain or lose in this deal, I'll still want to move forward. I'm realizing I'd lazily put all my eggs in one basket. Why? Just realized I was afraid of success. Most businesses today give some template to follow so one can succeed. With mining, I'm on the sidelines doing nothing. Even thinking about months back, jumping into an interactive business scared me away, with feelings of unworthiness deciding for me. Something's changing.
I want to be FREE!
 
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#90
A major part of me has been afraid today. I'd like to say it's due to my miner's games, but....I'm not sure that's it at this moment. I'm realizing major changes have happened in my thinking. I have these scary feelings, yet I also observed something neat.

Scary stuff, since it's new: My eyes are forward in this stressor. I'm not seeing or feeling myself back down, and I'm making possible discussions in my head with her. Doing so from fear or anger is not what I'd like to do. With boundaries, yes. With anger or rage, no. Good business deals don't advance when anger is pointed at a person.

Even now, I'm feeling some part of me trying to punish her with anger. And simultaneously, that part is being heavily restrained, like a little boy wishing to tongue-lash this adult woman. However, I have not been active in this restraining process. Is it E3?

My mind has been very active seeking possible solutions. I believe it's scaring me since it's very confrontational and assertive in this situation. I'm normally not like this.

And the neat thing I noticed today: I saw me not being scarcity minded Smile. I spent most of my last paycheck on bitcoin to trade it and multiply it. Yesterday, I'd planned out my money by getting enough food, buying gas for the week, and getting change to do laundry. Everything was covered, and I had $2 and change for the week. I thought I might buy 2 coffees during the week since one's only a buck.

Well, today I worked a route, I ate my snacks in my bag at break, and I realized I'd not put extra food in there. I realized we'd be having lunch right next to a dollar store I use, and I bought 2 snacks when I got there ($1 each) that will last 2 or 3 days. Smart move. When leaving the store, I realized I had no money now. This used to get me fearful, but in truth, I'd get slightly terrified. Fearing I'd not have enough. Fears would spring up as "possibilities". I'd want to isolate, I'd feel poor, and worse, it made me swim in childhood memories of feeling helpless.

But those thoughts never came. I had an emotional flashback when I first realized I was broke, I even tried to allow those feelings, but they wouldn't come. I wasn't owned by fear of being broke. I didn't slip down that slope of self-degradation and abusing myself emotionally. I didn't!

That's a victory! Smile
I want to be FREE!
 
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